Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the world of sports.
With the presidential election so close at hand the biggest news has been of course the Olympics. This year’s games were the first to employ a sex test to determine an athlete’s gender. Several female athletes crammed for weeks for the test but flunked when an examining board looked into their genes. Forming a testy situation we overhear a confident girl remark…
“Hey Look Me Over”
(Band forms a blob)
Turning our attention to a favorite indoor sport, the Band comes upon Penn’s famous girl’s dorm, aptly named Hill Hall. The Band notes that its heavy fortifications, single front door, and lack of rear entrance, render the interior impregnable. Forming Penn’s female fortress, we see their frustrated student body attempting to…
“Climb Every Mountain”
Finally we observe that Philadelphia has been called the world center of sports. They have a professional baseball team, basketball team, soccer team, and perhaps someday even a professional football team. Their fans have been called the worst in the world. In fact, they’ll boo anybody (…SEE). Forming nothing to cheer about, the Band remarks why…
“I Got Plenty of Nothing”
(Band forms PENN)
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the bottom third of the Big Three.
The Band sympathizes with Yale University on their unsuccessful bid to merge with Vassar College. Never before has an entire school been shot down, although we can certainly understand why. Forming either
- the symbol of that well-known girl’s school
- the first letter in Vassar, or
- a Y that has no tail,
we overhear Virginia Vassar resolving her problem…
“Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”
(Band forms ‘V’)
The Band now salutes Yale’s secret societies, those fine examples of the democratic spirit. While men at other school spend their time tapping kegs, Yale boys tap each other, in an effort to enlarge their membership. We note that these bastions of status are affectionately called tombs, so we form a plug for them, in an effort to socket tomb.
“Mutual Admiration Society”
Speaking of Eli’s outdated institutions, we turn our attention to the only classless college in the country. Over 200 years old, this college has never adapted to present needs, and though enrollment is continually increasing, nevertheless we forsee it falling in the near future. Yes, the Princeton Band salutes the outdated Electoral College, and notes where it belongs…
Finally, the Band applaud’s Yale’s efforts to bring girls to their campus…and also their efforts to keep them away. Although co-education may soon come to Yale, with male and female bulldogs littering the campus, we nevertheless note that Yale boys, especially in Trumbull College, now refuse to make room for incoming women. We thus see a despondent coed sadly leaving the campus, knowing she will not be able to work under the best minds at Yale, and we hear her lament…
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
(Band forms circle)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band spells out the future of coeducation at Dartmouth.
Presently, the Dartmouth social scene resembles a bleak, New Hapmshire winter — covered with snow, but frigid, nonetheless. The situation is such that the only girl Danny Dartmouth can make is the ice sculpture he built in front of his frat house the night before. Forming an ‘F’ for Danny’s frostbite, the Band bemoans his frozen plight.
“Love is Blue”
Gazing into the future, we find that coeducation has finally come to Dartmouth, and we see Hanover’s new coed, Dottie Dartmouth, after her first trying week on campus. Forming on the field an uneasy scholar, the Band overhears Dottie holler…
“Show Me the Way to Go Home”
(Band forms blob)
After several months of overcoming large obstacles, Dottie has finally adjusted to the pressing demands of college life. In fact, her acclimation has been so complete that she, like her fellow inmates, makes the weekly journey to Colby Junior College. Noting the pull of Colby’s glamour, the Band forms a ‘C’ for Dartmouth’s clamor…
“We’ve Got to Get Out of This Place”
After a whole year in the Dartmouth environment, Dottie has finally evolved into the only creature possible. Now she is finally able to handle all her problems — from harmless monkey business to full scale guerilla warfare. Yes Danny Dartmouth, to your dismay, the Band greets Queen Kong, and now forms a…Q!
“Who’s Sorry Now?”