Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Darmouth College — past and present.
A distinctive feature of the Dartmouth campus is Darmouth Hall, an authentic miniature replica of Princeton’s Nassau Hall. This building is part of the college built in 1769 by King George III, who’s son bombed his SAT’s but still wanted to go to an Ivy League School. This college was originally established in Lebanon, Connecticut, but was moved to beatiful Hanover for better TV reception. For over two hundred years, what happened?….Nothing. And then…they came.
“Also Sprach Zarathustra”
(Band forms circle)
Yes Virginia, coeducation has arrived in Hanover. Even the Big Green football team has not made it as big as the coeds have. Dartmouth, delighted to see the coeds come, have found rising interest in the formerly-bleak New Hampshire wilderness. Even now, with the male-female ratio down to 300 to one, we can still hear Danny Dartmouth’s perennial “Vox Clamantus in Deserto” — his voice crying out in the wilderness
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
(Band forms sad face)
Finally, we note with amusement the fact that a full eleven of Dartmouth’s female class has gone out for crew. We wonder why such a grueling sport has such an allure for big green women. What kind of attractions do they find in the oarhouse that they can’t find on campus? Without trying to answer these questions we salute these seemingly intrepid girls, as they pull to make the team. Forming a big green woman on the field, the Band wonders if a successful girls’ crew team can outstroke the mens’.
“Blow the Man Down”
(Band forms happy face)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at five easy pieces.
Speaking of peace, the Band looks forward to the end of that prolonged, brutal, expensive, and above all unpopular conflict, the 1972 Presidential campaign. The candidates have launched attack after attack against each other’s positions, accentuating the differences between them. We note, however, a common theme struck by the Presidential contenders. We form
- an honest remark
- a fat chance, or
- a forked tongue
knowing that in reality such rhetoric is but
(Band forms four-pronged fork)
Speaking of peace, the Band turns to the recent accord reached after months of dispute and delicate negotiations between Johnny Carson and his former wife, Joanne. Forming Doc Severinson and the NBC orchestra on the field, the Band wishes Johnny well with his newly-found peace and happiness.
“Wedding Bell Blues”
(Band forms two broken lines at angles, i.e. ‘// ||’)
- a Body by Fischer,
- a hidden television camera,
- front row seats,
- a noisy candy wrapper, or
- all of the above,
the Band overhears Fischer’s remark
“I’ve Got You Under My Skin”
(Band forms blob)rendez-vous
in quest of an honorable peace, we recall trips to Peking, Paris, and Hollywood. Should Senator George McGovern be elected President, however, the Band would be forced to ask the musical questions, “I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now?”
“I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now?”
(Band forms question mark)
Speaking of easy pieces, the Band shoots the moon and offers the fifth easy piece as a constellation prize.
“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”
The Princeton University Band would like to ask a few musical questions about Philadelphia P.A. systems. “Princeton Forward”
(Porky Pig stutter)
(Band forms ‘WHO’)
(Band forms ‘WHEN’)
(Band forms ‘WHY’)
Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of all the freshman mothers…and fathers in our audience, the Princeton University Band salutes Parenthood.
We begin our tribute today with a look at history’s hottest romance, which produced Rosemary’s Baby. The father, a little horned devil, was the biggest flamer this side of a Colgate man. But, as luck would have it, Rosemary knew only the flames of passion, and ignoring the father’s bad reputation and low class status, bore the unusual child. Forming:
- a pair of hot pants
- a flaming gut
- a forked tail
- a deviled egg
the Band overhears Rosemary’s lament “The Devil Made Me Do It.”
“Come on Baby Light My Fire”
(Band forms forked tail)
No parenthood salute would be complete without the recognition of the world’s all-time greatest father. Of course, the award has to go the Frazier the lion, of the Los Angeles Zoo, who, at the human age equivalent of 95, managed to father 35 cubs in a 3 month span. Unfortunately Frazier up and died a month later; yet for his ability, the Band forms:
- a line of lions
- a lion lying down
- a line of lions lying down
“I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”
(Band forms a horizontal line)
Next the Band would like to salute the world’s all-time greatest mother. As you have probably guessed, the Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe wins in a walk. Unfortunately the noted historian, Mother Goose, makes no mention of an old man who lived in a shoe. Thus it remains a mystery to this day as to how Madame Shoe and her house of leather managed to acquire so many children. But the Band suggests that anyone who lives in a shoe must be a professional walker and leaves it to future historians to make the connection.
“Walk Right In”
(Band forms a shoe)
Finally, the Band turns to the most ordinary of ordinary families: Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Cleavers, TV’s “Leave it to Beaver” family. Looking in on Ward and June and Wally and the Beave, we recall some of the family’s more exciting adventures:
- Wally learns to dance.
- The Beaver locks himself in the bathroom.
- Lumpy Shaves his chin.
- Eddie Haskell manages to nauseate the entire TV audience.
- Ward wonders just what to do with the Beaver.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a cutting commentary on the butchering of these jokes by the Princeton University Band’s beloved Board of……..Advisors, the Band forms a meat cleaver on the field noting that had these jokes gone on as originally written, the heads of the Band would have been little more than meat for the chopping block.
“Theme from Leave it to Beaver” on kazoos
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at great American political figures.
In this corner, weighing in at 350 pounds is William Howard Taft. Taft was not only a trustbuster but also busted many a truss in his brief but corpulent career as president. His accomplishments include being the only American president to ever get stuck in a bathtub. Late in his career, Taft was to sit in three of the nine seats on the Supreme Court and cast the deciding votes in the landmark case of 1923 which allowed the unlimited immigration of German beermakers and Italian cooks. Recognizing the difficulty America has in filling even one of President Taft’s shoes, we
won’t even try.
(Band forms a fat stick figure)29th President of the United States, devoted father of four, two by his wife. Harding was a broadminded president returning to normalcy every night, after searching for an honorable peace. It is for these efforts that a plaque has been erected in the White House room named in his honor, the blue room. It reads: eighth in war, first in peace, and third in the hearts of his countrymen. He was first in the hearts of his countrywomen too, as he got a lot of their vote to shake off tough competition from his opponent James Cox. As president, Harding attracted many slimy magnates from the oil industry. The Band wonders just how much Warren and his cronies kept hidden under the TeaPot Dome as they worked hard-in to the night.
“Hard Day’s Night”
(Band forms a teapot)
Finally the Band feels that the world of politics should make some contribution to the world of show business instead of the other way around.
To this end, may we suggest the movie A Separate Peace
starrring President Thieu, or Senator Thomas Eagleton in Shaft
. The record industry should benefit from John Mitchell’s rendition of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” And, in fact, the trend has already begun. The Band recently learned that Senator George McGovern will star as the ambassador to Massachusetts in a new TV series “Make Room for Teddy.”
“There’s No Business Like Show Business”
(Band forms ‘BIZ’)
(As the Band is marching off the field)
This show was produced by John Fairley and directed by Bill Clean. This has been a fairly clean production.