The Princeton University marching Band takes a long hard look at things that are green.
It is common knowledge that there are two basic kinds of students at Dartmouth: offensive and defensive, although the Princeton Band has found that most are offensive. And, although there are plenty of left tackles, we find there is not enough right guard.
“You’ve Got to Be a Football Hero”
(Band forms aerosol can)
Speaking of Dartmouth vegetables, the Band makes a pea on the field and salutes the jolly green giant and his little green sprout.
“Jolly Green Giant”
(Band forms a pea)
Forming a used tissue on the field, the Band notes that excessive frigiditiy at Dartmouth has caused a shortage of kleenex, tissues, napkins, and other articles.
(Band makes arm motions)
(after Greensleeves the Band softly plays “The Sound of Music”)
Ah yes, the Green Hills are alive with the sound of mucus. This has led many people to believe that the main drawback of Dartmouth is the cold. This sleaves Dartmouth students with one alternative.
September 28, 1974
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the Rutgers University Marching Band. The Rutgers Band always comes on the field in a most charming and graceful manner, reflecting the innate sensitivity of Rutgers undergraduates.
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
Once on the field, the Band performs a complicated dance step.
“Ta-Da”(Band stick beats into a line)
This is followed by a typical Rutgers dance rendition of one of their Top Ten hits. Watch now as the Band renders a split hare on the field.
(Band forms a split hair — two horizontal lines)
(Band stick beats into a hand)
The Band drops everything to look at what it takes to make a Rutgers pom-pom girl. (‘girls’ come out front)
(Band is in hand formation)
The two most important requirements for a Rutgers pom-pom girl are:
and (1) left.
(Band is in hand)
The Band gives the pom-pom girls a big hand as they leave the field to perform with the Rutgers horse.
(Band is in hand)
(stick beats into arrow)
Everybody knows that no Rutgers show is complete without a bit of precision drill. So, finally the Band executes a typical Rutgers exit.
(Band changes <—-<-<-< into ——>)
The Princeton University band takes a long, hard look, at things that go in your mouth.
Everybody has a favorite thing to put in his mouth. For instance:
- with Spiro Agnew, it was his foot;
- with Richard Nixon, it was his leg;
- and, with Shleby Cullum Davis, it is always both feet.
- with a baby, it is a bottle;
- with a Princeton undergraduate, it is a bottle;
- and, with a Princeton Alumnus, it is a bottle;
- finally, with a Colgate undergraduate, it is paste from a tube.
The Band now forms a mouth on the field and asks “What’s your favorite thing?”
“My Favorite Things”
(Band changes from ‘?’ to ‘<‘)
One expert on things that go in your mouth, Eule Gibbons, a renowned natural foods freak, recently was rushed to a florist after mistakenly eating an artificial Christmas tree. During a preliminary autopsy, doctors also discovered a chronic case of Dutch Elm disease complicated by termites. Mr. Gibbons’ remains were put in a savings account and composted daily. The Band forms a compost heap on the field and plays a musical tribute to Eule and his ravenous appetite.
“Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”
(Band forms compost heap)
Many students go to Commons to put things in their mouths, strange as that may sound. The Band displays one such item, the famous Commons T-bone. The Band maintains, however, that as far as Commons is concerned, “what goes in, must also come out.”
(Band marches a ‘T’ into a mouth while playing “The Old Grey Mare.”
After entering the mouth, the Band emerges in blob formation playing “Blowing in the Wind.”)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at recent campus innovations.
(Band breaks from block band and goes into keyhole)
Speaking of jaundiced jingo journalism, one of the most startling, striking, and superfluously stupid innovations on campus is accurate and informative reporting by The Daily Princetonian
. Last spring, the Yellow rag featured an article on the most effective techniques for breaking into dormitory rooms. The Proctors subsequently reported a 43% increase in theft. Thieves on campus would like to thank The Daily Princetonian
for an invitation to…
“Walk Right In”
(Band stick beats into a blob)
The Band notes yet another innovation, the Wa-Wa supermarket, which seems to have made campus facilities complete. And indeed, Wa-Wa seems to have everything. Where else can you buy a candy bar, a soda, and a pack of chewing gum, and still get 2 cents back from your five-dollar bill? And yet, even disregarding the prices, it would still be easy to reject Wa-Wa’s quality. We now join some bewildered Princetonians, inspecting the meat section, as they ask:
“How Much is That Doggie in the Window”
(stick beats into curves)
Finally, the Band welcomes our special guests this afternoon. In our stands are 300 odd alumni, who are here to observe innovations. Noting the Open Admissions policy, one toothless alum was overheard to say “This certainly has broadened the Princeton Experience.” Forming on the field:
- a broadened experience
- an experienced broad, or
- an oval with points,
the Band salutes this particular innovation.
“Thank Heaven For Little Girls”
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University vacationing Band reveals the shocking truth as it takes a long, hard look at 50 years of Brown bands. The Brown band was formed in 1924 to provide musical entertainment at football halftimes. It is during this period that the Brown band is credited with the invention of the world’s first bass drum roll.
(Drum major and student conductor march out, with the latter rolling bass drum.)
However, that didn’t work. So after considerable cogitation, they decided they needed something more.
(Trombone and one cymbal join them)Unfortunately, they still had problems. For instance, they spent 10 years trying to answer the Zen Buddhist-inspired question “What is the sound of one cymbal crashing?” Giving up on quality, they decided to try quantity, and this was the result:
(Band marches on playing Brown’s fight song in three different keys.
Band is wearing brown paper bags on feet and heads.)
Failing in musical ability, they tried a bit of precision drill. Emulating Ohio State, they attempted to form a script Brown on the field.
(From a block band, the band starts forming a script brown to “Notre Dame Victory March,”
doesn’t get very far, tuba dots the ‘i’)
However, they were never successful, and they submitted the problem to Hymie Blatowski, Brown’s crack mathematician, who proved the formation was topologically impossible. In spite of all these problems the Brown band made steady progress; and in 1969 an aural miracle occured during a heated argument.
(Band plays “Stars and Stripes” with cymbals missing, conductor gets mad and cymbal players try to hit him.
He ducks and cymbals crash, band stops and goes “oooooooh!”)
(cowbell cadence off)
The Brown Band has lived happily every after.
November 9, 1974
The Princeton University Band takes a long harding look at concerned alumni.
Recently CAP, sometimes known as Concerned Alumni of Princeton, has attributed the rise in campus crime to the opening of the FitzRandolph Gates. For all you freshmen and transfers, those are the gates across from Nassau Liquours. The Band, however, maintains that most of the trouble comes from the pen of T. Harding Jones, a self-appointed theologian, philosopher, campus politico, sociologist, lawyer, and Great Right Hope. The Band now gives CAP a right-handed compliment.
“Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms ‘R C AP’, then the ‘R’ marches into place)
The Band would now like to salute Shelby Cullom Davis ’30. As many of you know, Ambassador Davis has made magnificent contributions to Princeton in the past. Now, he supports the student’s favorite comic book — Prospect
magazine. The Band would like to join Ambassador Davis’s long list of beneficiaries. We plan to travel to the West Coast this spring and would welcome Mr. Davis’s support of our trip. If he does help, we promise that while in California we will serenade another of his favorite charity cases, Richard M. Nixon. If he gives us enough, we promise we will stay in California.
“California Here I Come”
Following the example of CAP, certain alumni of Harvard have formed their own reactionary organization, the Harvard Johns. At a recent metting, after the secretary took the roll, they fought over the last tissue. Then they went on to discuss a recent retirement which left a vacant seat on the board of Harvard Johns. Finally, they went on to formulate their two main objectives, which read as follows:
- Number One) To rectify the gross misconceptions heaped upon us by radical student movements.
- Number Two) to establish a flush fund to keep things running smoothly for us and our posteriorities.
Unlike ambassadors and alumni, undergraduates have no visible means of support. To rectify this situation, the Band suggests that an organization for undergraduates be formed. This organization, to be named the Concerned Undergraduates of Princeton, would give students the added lift they need in today’s rough and tumble world. The Band now spells on the field:
- cup, or
“June is Busting Out All Over”
The Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at poor taste.
We would like to thank the Yale Band for giving us the opportunity to participate in a salute to the great American composer Ives. In his remarkable career, Mr. Ives not only broadened the spectrum of American music, but he also revolutionized the theory of harmony and counterpoint. Yes folks, we’ll always remember good ol’ Burly — that guy could really carry a tune. The Band now forms on the field
- Burl Ives singing “God Bless America”
- Kate Smith singing “Jimmy Crack Corn”
- or c) Jimmy crack corn singing “God bless Burl Ives”
“Coca-Cola Theme Song”
Being the Princeton Band means never having to say you’re sorry, so with this in mind, what can you say about a 25 year-old bulldog that died? That it had more tail than most Yale students? That it liked telephone poles, and fire hydrants, and Yale students? What the Princeton Band can say about the bulldog, is that it died of overuse. Forming:
- a bulldog
- a yale student, or
- a combination of the two,
the Princeton Band offers its condolences to the bulldog and all his descendants in the stands.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at higher mathematics.
The first mathematician was, of course, Adam. Although the concepts he had in hand were rather unsophisticated, we must not overlook the fundamental arithmetic relationship which Adam discovered and applied with invaluable assistance from Eve.
“Getting to Know You”
(Band forms 1+1=3)
Another important mathematical concept is the geometric progression. This exhibits the interrelationship of mathematics and biology. This interrelationship was best explained by a little-known (but very knowing) instructor of mathematics who, when asked by one of his students how to evaluate a geometric progression, replied, “Just do it like a rabbit.” The socially inept student may ask, “Why rabbitus prolificus
?” The Band responds, “Y nought?” on the field.
“Double Your Pleasure”
(Band forms Yo)
It has come to our attention that there are those who are not fully appreciative of the intellectual (and other) pursuits of the Band. To counter these suspicions, the Band would like to present our addition to the field of topology, which we have named “Stadium Theory.” Although a thorough exposition of the details is far beyond the scope of this show, we will present here a few of the theorems for illustration.
- Theorem 1:
- (Well, never mind)
- Theorem 2:
- The enjoyment one experiences at a football stadium is directly related to the percentage of alcohol in the bloodstream.
- Theorem 3:
- The successful operation of the Princeton Band requires a large number of dollars. Thank you for your support.
- Theorem 4:
- The degree of dissatisfaction exhibited by a Princeton alumnus as he writes a letter complaining about a half-time show is often directly proportional to the square of the number of years which have passed since his graduation.
- Theorem 5 (also known as the “Dave Rahr Sensual Limit Theorem”):
- As the Band approaches the Sensual Limit, Dave Rahr tends to “poop-oop.” Think about it.
The proof of these theorems is left as an exercise for the interested observer.
(Band forms Q.E.D.)
The Band, of course, realizes that a necessary condition for the enjoyment of any intellectual endeavor is that the person involved posess sufficient mental capacity to apologize to the members of the Concerned Alumni of Princeton, who were, no doubt, bored by this show.