September 18, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Our Upbringing.
This year, the Band’s size has increased greatly due to the influx of freshmen. In the process of reviving their childhood fantasies, these innocent converts from youth are shocked and dismayed to discover the many unanswered questions from their storybook past.
- What kept Sleeping Beauty in bed for a hundred years and what finally aroused her?
- Does Peter Pan ever stick to the roof of your mouth?
- Why is it called Never-Never Land?
- Who did Mother Goose?
- When the Princess slept on those twenty matresses was she really on top of a pea?
- How did the Goose lay those Golden Eggs?
- a pea
- a freshly laid golden egg
- not to mention c)
the Band plays a childhood favorite. “Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?”
(Band forms a circle)Where did he go?
(Band looks at their shoes)
Moving on to Alice’s Wonderland,
- Who Tweedled Dum and who Tweedled Dee?
- Why was the white rabbit always afraid of being late?
- Did Alice really find Wonderland down the rabbit’s hole?
- And finally, what made the Chesire Cat smile?
Cracking a smile on the field, the Band salutes that happy pussy cat.
“Make Me Smile”
(Band forms a smile)
How about the Wizard of Oz?
- Why was the Yellow Brick Road yellow?
- Truthfully, how many of you have eaten a Munchkin?
- What was the Tin Man so rusty, and why did he need oiling?
- Why was the Scarecrow singing the Yalie’s theme song — “If I Only Had a Brain?”
- And, what was that man doing behind the green curtain?
The Band makes OZ on the field, but clicking our heels together we declare: there’s no place like Princeton.
“We’re Off to See the Wizard”
(Band forms ‘OZ’)
October 2, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University G-rated for Parents’ Day Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Saturday Afternoon at the Movies.
The Band first takes a “fantastic voyage” back through “the best years of our lives” and examines “the longest day” in movie history. At first it appeared a “good morning to Miss Dove” but by “high noon” “on a clear day” it was evident that “all was not quiet on the western front.” Everyone knew that this was the day that “Mr. Smith goes to Washington,” “Tarzan goes to Manhattan” to see “the birds,” a “funny girl” with a “gold finger,” together with “my man Godfrey,” a “thin man” with a “seven year itch,” go through the “petrified forest” “to Russia with love.” “Citizen Kane” even spent “a day at the races.” No, on this day “history was made at night.” None other than “Frankenstein” and “King Kong” decided to spend “a night at the opera.” “The sound of music” filled the air, and as the two were “singing in the rain,” a “blue angel” and a “Maltese falcon” swept down on the two beasts and took them away “north by northwest” to “Casablanca.” The Band pays tribute to days such as these which are truly “gone with the wind.”
“There’s No Business Like Show Business”
(Band forms a star)
Leaving the glorious golden age of the cinema, the Band zooms in on the latest trends of the silver screen. Civilization toppled and nature gone wild. Big, brawny beasts battling the precious preserve of prosperity, purity, and peace. One recent release features the thrilling story of man and a vicious creature that relentlessly destroyed anything in its path: JAWS. And who can forget the thrilling story of a mean and vicious creature that destroyed anything that got in its path: GRIZZLY? And finally, there is the thrilling story of a mean and vicious creature that relentlessly destroyed anything in its path: ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN.
“Hail to the Chief”
(Band forms an eagle’s head)
And now the Band fades into a sneak preview of the soon to be released Star Trek feature movie. Stardate 36-24-36 hike! The U.S.S. Consolation Prize is being skyjacked by the PLO. Captain James T. Kirk, realizing the seriousness of the situation, asks first officer Dr. Spock, “what are the odds?” The reply: “3.4 to 1, Princeton to win.”
Before Quirk can send Spock to sickbay, Muscles McCoy suddenly collapses and intones, “I’m dead, Jim.” Enraged at the death of a dear friend, Captain Quirk order Phasors, Proton Torpedoes, and Chief Engineer Johnny Walker Red fired in random directions. And, lo and behold, the PLO is defeated, two Romulan warships are dismantled, four, count them, four Klingon vessels are decimated, New York’s financial problems are solved, and Muscles is resurrected. Forming a phasor beam on the field, the Band salutes this soon to be seen cinematic celluloid spectacular.
“In the Year 2525”
(Band forms straight line)
October 16, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at America’s Favorite Pastime.
As everyone knows, the Princeton Band has been invited by the New York Yankees to play at the World Series. Faced with this honor, and national television, the Band has decided to clean up its act. We must precise and stand erect, holding our heads up high. No more double intendres or sexual innuendos. We must search the Band and root out the incompetent. It’s time to get the jerks off the field. Saluting America’s favorite pastime on the field, the Band forms:
- a fungo
- a broken bat
- a popped fly
“You Gotta Have Heart”
(Band, who up until now have been marching straightly and not forming
anything, scatters to form a bat)
Included as one of the benefits of going to the World Series is a chance for a trip to the Bronx. Every member looks forward to cruising up the scenic New Jersey Turnpike, taking in the sights and smells of Elizabeth, crossing the turbid Hudson, and arriving in the historic Bronx. Filled with the euphoria of this approaching excursion, the Band would like to greet the Colgate fans in an appropriate Bronx fashion.
“Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here”
(Band forms ‘NY’ and turns to give Colgate fans a Bronx cheer)
We have obviously done our best to clean ourselves up, but what about baseball? Consider a typical Yankee inning. The lead-off batter, in an age old contest against the pitcher, a “fastballer,” tries to get to first base. Four balls and he’s there. The next man performs poorly; he strikes out. The runner steals second, sliding into a scoring position. The third hitter, an excellent stick handler, hits a high hard one for a home run. Both he and the runner score on this easy pitcher who, after all this action, needs relief. Having a ball on the field, the Band questions the propriety of the All-American ball game.
“Take Me Out to the Ball Game”
(Band acts out the above scene while it is being read and then forms a baseball)
And now, for the benefit of The Gaily Prints Anything,
the Band plays on.
“Here Comes That Tiger”
“Orange and the Black”
President Bowen, it’s ten o’clock; do you know where your band is?
October 23, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen (and Hahvahd Johns), the Princeton University Marching Band plays tribute to Princeton’s Birthday with a 230 balloon salute.
(230 orange and black balloons are released as Band steps off)
Today being the exact 230th anniversary of the founding of the College of New Jersey, the Band would like to recall some of the greatest moments in Princeton history.
- 1746: The found of the College of New Jersey in Elizabeth, N.J.
- 1747: The founding of Vassar, Mr. Holyoke, Yale, and other girls’ schools.
- 1748: The founding of SECH.
- 1826: The invention of the cotton gin.
- 1917: Freddie Fox is born.
- 1951: The conversion of Chancellor Green.
- 1974: Wawa
Princeton University and Amy Fox, Happy Birthday!
(Armed with party hats and noisemakers, the Band forms CNJ)
In the beginning, the College of New Jersey was created all-male. These were hard times. But enlightenment came upon the minds of the trustees, and Princeton was declared coeducational. Students were convinced things couldn’t be beat. However, barbaric customs known as parietals were still enforced, thus preventing students from enjoying viable social alternatives. Parietals were abolished because of intense pressure, and, on the seventh day, as Adele Simmons would say, “It is good.”
“Happy Days are Here Again”
(Band forms a series of male and female “sex symbols”
[you know, the little circles with the arrows] before forming that sickening smile-face.)
But, the one ambition of all Princeton fans, past, present, and future:
(Band members with raincoats flash BEAT HAHVAHD signs) (First the Band flashes ‘BEAT HARVARD’ to the visitors’ stands. Then the flashers turn around in place, flashing ‘DRAVRAH TAEB’ to the Princeton stands. Finally they unscramble to spell ‘BEAT HARVARD’…except the ‘B’ can’t get the raincoat open until the last note.)
October 30, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen, standing in for the Princeton University Marching Band, which is on vacation this week, we present the Imitation Marching Band. We have to call it imitation — but you don’t.
After their recent debate, President Ford accused Jimmy Carter of deliberately deceiving the American people. A noted expert on deception, Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo, suggested that Carter submit to a lie-detector test. However, Carter’s sons, Skippy and Jiffy, replied, “there’s no need for that. Whenever Dad lies, he just grows another tooth.”
“Hail to the Chief”
(Band forms a peanut)
Speaing of not getting the facts straight, we are inevitably reminded of our campus newspaper. We recognize that The Daily Princetonian
serves many purposes; never before have our birdcages been so luxuriously carpeted or our fish been better dressed. When asked if he had ready the editorial page, one Band member replied, “No, should I have?” The Band salutes the Yellow Rag’s distinctive semi-prose style.
(Band forms quotation marks.)
True artistic beauty comes through suffering, so Band members are encouraged to abuse themselves as much as possible. The hardest part occurs during halftime, when the Band goes down to the field. We blow our horns, beat our drums, and assume various highly strenuous positions, such as the one you see now. This takes a lot out of us, and by the time we get off the field, we are really beat.
“Goin’ Out of My Head”
(Band forms all-purpose blob)
November 6, 1976
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Metamorphoses.
“This Could Be the Start of Something Big”
(Band forms male symbol — a circle with an arrow.)
Of course, the most important physiological change in Yale
history came quite recently, when Richard Raskin changed into Rene Richards, and became the first woman ever to graduate from Yale. By the way, is it true that Rene Richards plays tennis without Spauldings?
“Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair”
(Band forms two balls which turn into a tennis racquet)
And now, in a display of its incredible versatility, the Band changes itself into a variety of things. Forming first a cantaloupe, next a softball, third a full moon, and finally a Yalie from the top.
(After each formation the Band plays “Ta Da” chord a step higher,
scatters, and reforms a circle, except the last time when it forms a square.)
And now, for the most amazing trick of all, the Band turns itself into musicians.
“Orange and the Black” (Band forms concert shell)
FLASH, Eli Yale awoke one morning from troubled dreams to find himself transformed into a monstrous vermin. “Well,” he said, “that’s better than a bulldog!”
(Escape line – in the event that oranges are thrown: We are sorry that the Band is forced to leave the field, and call attention to the maturity and consideration of the Yalies. We are disappointed but not suprised.)