September 17, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at What I Did On My Summer Vacation: An Essay.
I went to camp in New Hampshire. On some Friday nights we make a big campfire from railroad ties. We roast marshmallows, Freshman and other weenies. I had fun this summer. Here’s a picture of a marshamallow.
“In the Good Old Summertime”
(Band forms a square with a lone BM in the center with a white plastic bag over his head.)
At camp, we also went high into the clear, cool mountains, to a peak, and deep into the dark, moist swamp. We discovered the wonders of nature. We saw green things and sheep. I had fun this summer. Here’s a picture of a sheep.
“In the Good Old Summertime”
(Band forms a square with a lone BM in the center who drops to all fours.)
The food was bad at camp, but we had to eat it since that was all THAYER gonna serve. There weren’t even any bananas to be found. Out of frustration, we threw food. I had fun this summer. Here’s a picture of some orange jello stuck to a wall.
“In the Good Old Summertime”
(Band forms square while several BM’s are in the center, shaking.)
But I learned a lot at camp. The climax of my summer came when I could READ
my favorite magazines. I had fun this summer at Camp Dartmouth. Here’s my favorite magazine.
“In the Good Old Summertime”
(The square turns into the shape of a centerfold and a lone BM ‘poses’ as a centerfold)
[N.B. This show was performed at an away game, prior to classes, with little rehearsal, and with no Frosh BM’s.]
September 24, 1977
And now for the entertainment portion of the halftime: ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at terms that freshman should know.
The first term is “nerd,” from the Latin “Wimpus Premedicus.” Synonyms include wonk, weenie, wimp, and engineer. Indigenous to Cambridge, New Haven, and certain parts of New Jersy, the nerd can be recognized by black shoes, white socks, a four color pen, and an input/output device protruding from his hip. This precision device, the calculator, can, with a few quick manipulations, accomplish jobs that would take hours by hand. It issues results with great accuracy. Forming his favorite friend, the Band salutes this thriving species, the nerd.
“Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here”
(The Band forms a calculator with the numbers 07734, and spells out the word ‘NERD’ in cards)
The second term is “fleshpile,” from the Greek “Squashema Flattos.” It is indigenous to Prospect Street, band buses, and football fields. Forming a fleshpile on the field, the Band notes that they can often range up to sixteen tons.
(The Band fleshpiles while ‘PILE’ is held up on cardboard cards.
There is a ‘flat’ cardboard BM left at the bottom of the fleshpile.)There is nothing worse than a flat Band member.
The third term that freshman need to know is “clapper,” from the Latin “Riskus Ding-a-Lingus.” Early in the year, several freshmen get the clapper. This year, the frosh got it late. The freshmen acquire the clapper as a memento of their first Princeton experience. The Band salutes this ritual and returns the clapper to its rightful place.
(The Band forms a bell and its clapper. The clapper enters the bell. The word ‘CLAPPER’ is spelled out.)
The fourth term is “Rugby Player,” from the Greek “Occupentor Blairos.” They can be recognized by orange and black striped shirts, and their theme song.
- Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Anita who?
(Better known as “Na Na Na Na Na”)
(Or even better known as “She Loves a G–B–“)The “knock, knock” joke is repeated with “Anita.”
(The Band forms Blair Hall and spells out ‘RUGGER’ in signs.)
The last term is “President William Bowen,” from JOISEY.
“Hail to the Chief”
(Band is in block band while the sign ‘BILBO’ is shown.)
October 1, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at things that are small.
(A ‘Band’, consisting of the Drum Major on his knees and several BM’s playing
toy instruments, lead the entrance.)A phenomenon associated with small things is BROWNian motion. Here, the Band is seen exhibiting this effect. Brownian motion is when particles move over great distances, with much trouble, and still go nowhere. But, after all, where can you go in Providence? The Band now coagulates to play.
“Sweet Georgia Brown”
(The Band bounces off one another, until they coagulate to a blob.)
Speaking of small things, how about the Brown student body? However, its size is increasing everyday thanks to Brown’s new sports recruiting program. One of the major recruiting drives has been toward creating more spaces for female athletes. There is always stiff competition to fill these position.
“Hey Look Me Over”
(The Band forms a stick figure.)
By the way, Rhode Island is VERY small. (Band replies: HOW SMALL IS IT?) Rhode Island is so small that the state bird is a fly. Rhode Island is so small that the state tree is a mushroom. Rhode Island is so small that the manufacture of spaghetti is interstate commerce. Rhode Island is so small that no soap, radio.
(The Band forms ‘HA’ on the field and laughs.)(After a pause) Rhode Island is so small that no soap, radio.
(The Band changes formation into a ‘?’, and scratches their heads.)
The Princeton University Band: they’re INSANE
And now for something really BIG.
(The Band forms a concert shell)
The Princeton University Band would like to thank all of Rhode Island for attending this game in the world’s largest high school stadium, just to hear us play.
October 8, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at what Princeton doesn’t offer.
One thing that Princeton doesn’t offer is majors in Physical Education. However, many students pursue athletic minors without official University sanction. For recreation, some students play ball, dribble, shoot, score, or, more likely, strike out. The athletically unsuccessful can always try their hand at solitaire. Fulfilling their Phys Ed requirement, the Band gets physical and performs its favorite exercise, the jumping jack.
“Mr. Touchdown, U.S.A.”
(The Band forms a stick figure which does one or two jumping jacks)
Of course there are some school schools that Princeton just does not have. Some suggested schools are: the Burt Lance School of Creative Accounting, the Idi Amin School of Charm, the Consolidated Edison School of Electrical Engineering, and the Columbia School of Elementary Education. The Band now forms:
- Burt Lance’s liquid assets
- Idi Amin’s charm
- the power reservoir of Con Ed, or
“I’ve Got Plenty of Nothing”
(The Band spells out ‘ZERO’)
There’s been a lot of BICKERING on campus about ALTERNATIVES to SELECTIVE music groups. PROSPECTS looked dim for those musically UNACCEPTABLE instrumentalists who we cut from Glee Club Inn, the University Orchestra Club, and the Kats & Jammers. For some, the Band presents a MUSICAL ALTERNATIVE to this DEHUMANIZATION.
Forming a band on the field, the Band salutes itself, and provides what is sorely lacking at Princeton: musical entertainment.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band members salute each other while forming a block band)
October 15, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at parent’s fears.
Fear A: The Princeton Band halftime show.
“Princeton Forward”That wasn’t so bad…was it?
Fear B: Lack of companionship.
Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Class of ’81, every freshman is assigned a Resident Advisor to whom he or she may come to be advised. Little Charlie’s RA, a knowledgeable senior woman, behaves just like a mother away from home. She is ready and able to help her young charges through their first Princeton experience.
(Band spells out ‘RA’.)
Fear C: Impersonal teaching
Woodrow Wilson introduced the preceptorial system, to foster close and personal relationships between faculty and students in small classes. However, many students take such low enrollment courses as Chemistry 201 — in Frick Auditorium, Psychology 101 — in McCosh 10, Economics 101 — in Alexander Hall, and, finally a Music 103 precept in Palmer Stadium. And now, for your first assignment: Name That Tune!
(Band forms a ‘G’ clef.)
Fear D: too much
We contacted the head of the University sex counseling service (the true
Dean of Student Affairs) who told us that despite the efforts of some concerned alumni, SECH was conceived, even though it was a hard pill to swallow. The Band notes that there’s often a waiting line for SECH services. We believe that motherhood is the necessity of invention, so, the Band makes its own suggestion.
“I Got Rhythm”
(The Band spells out ‘SECH’)
And Fear E is fear of F, flunking out.
One fear that the Band offers no solution for is flunking out. Dropping its Grade Point Average on the field, the Band illustrates a common Princeton occurence. With a GPA like this, the Band is forced to hastily withdraw.
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(4.0 -> 3.0 -> 2.0 -> 1.0)
[The following was the original version of the last joke. It was not used.]
And fear E is fear of F.
If a student is unable to keep up the hard work long enough to satisfy the University, he may be forced into an unexpted involuntary withdrawal. While dropping one’s workload prematurely may be a pleasure, the embarassment of premature elimination is a comeupance not soon forgotten. However, the University is a real softie. After a short rest, most students can enter again — the first time. The second, they may have to matriculate elsewhere. As the Band withdraws from the field, the Band tell Freshman parents to FEAR NO MORE.
(The Band, in block band, withdraws from the field while playing.) [How many double entendres can you find in this joke?]
October 22, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the taking of Harvard Yard 1-2-3.
At 12:15 this morning, the Princeton University Band, armed only with their mighty instruments, overcame the weak defenses of the Harvard Band, stealthily entered Harvard Yard, and absconded with the Harvard Band’s silicone-injected, more than 40-inch diameter, size D, and vastly overrated, bass BOOM-BOOM.
To facilitate handling, we removed all the hot air — so prevalent in the Harvard Band — and shrunk it down to its present size.
(The Band forms a circle around a toy wagon containing a small drum with a small ‘h’ painted on it.
BM’s act like the Harvard “goon squad” and point their instruments like machine guns.
Throughout the show, a BM totally destroys the toy drum.)
STOP, nobody move. Out atomic physicist has booby-trapped the stadium. The stadium will not be defused until our demands are met. They are as follows:
- admit that you are the Stanford of the East.
- you will pronounce R’s like normal human beings.
Repeat after me: PaRk the caR in haRvaRd yaRd.
And demand c) the total destruction of Eli Yale Community College.
(The Band forms a ‘P’ and ‘Y’. BM’s in raincoats flash ‘BEAT YALE’)
(The ‘P’ sweeps over and absorbs the ‘Y’)
Taking a cue from New England Telephone, every minute you delay, we will charge you a humongous sum. But hurry, it’s increasing even faster than your tuition.
“Double Your Pleasure”
(Band forms ‘1.000’ and the decimal point — tubas — keeps moving over)
In a parting gesture of pity, the Band offers something Harvard hasn’t had for two years: entertainment of a musical variety.
At the conclusion of this song, all those not leaving the stadium IMMEDIATELY will be subjected to the world’s biggest regularly appearing bomb: the Harvard Band.
“Washington Post March”
(Band is in concert shell and marches off while playing.)
October 29, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the Sound of Philadelphia.
(Only the introduction and ‘chorus’ of “Forward” is played.)
People in Philadelphia haven’t been hearing the sound of Philadelphia lately due to all the pollution in the city. The Band now forms the most useless organ in Philadelphia: the ear.
“Sounds of Silence”
(The Band forms an ear. The letters E-A-R are shown on signs.
The song is alternately played loudly and softly.
When a giant Q-tip removes some wax (the tubas) from the ear, the Band plays loudly only.)
And now, let’s all disco down to the real sound of Philadelphia.
(The Band forms two dashed lines at midfield and DOES the Hokey Pokey.
Signs spelling ‘BOOGIE’ are held up.)
And now for the best sound to be heard in Philadelphia since the Liberty Bell cracked: “The Liberty Bell March.”
“Liberty Bell March”
(The Band forms a bell. The giant Q-tip is the clapper.
Band members will form a crack. ‘BELL’ is spelled out in cards.)
[N.B. The Penn speaker system is reputed to be THE worst. This show was written so that it could stand on just the visual and musical aspects.]
November 5, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the advantages of a Yale education.
And now, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Psychology.
During his experiments on bulldogs, Eli Pavlov noticed that everytime he rang his gong (Band rolls over and plays dead), all the Yalie bulldogs rolled over and played dead,
[If Princeton us winning at halftime]
Just like their football team.
[If Princeton is losing at halftime]
Just like a usual Saturday night in New Haven.
“Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone”
(Band forms a bone)
No psychology study would be complete without a Rorschach inkblot test. What do you see on the field?
- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
- Burt Reynolds
- FARRAH-FAWCETT MAJORS
Or, for those with great perception,
- the Princeton Band
Well, with a Rorschach test, “Anything Goes.”
(The Band forms a blob.)
One experiment that every Psych student performs is to put lower forms of life throgh mazes. The Band now forms a maze that a Yalie could NEVER get through.
(The Band makes a double ‘P’ with the bottom open, forming a maze.
A BM in a blue sweater and white pants fails to negotiate the maze.)But in pity, the Band now provides this much simpler maze that anyone, even a Yalie, could get through with a little bit of luck.
“With a Little Bit of Luck”
(The Band changes into an open double ‘Y’.
The ‘Yalie’ manages to go from the bottom, out the top of the ‘Y’.)
You are getting sleepy.
Watch the Band.
You now see before you the 2000 strong, high-stepping, soundpower, Princeton Bigtime Marching Band, playing a hard driving arrangement of “March Grandioso.”
(The Band forms a concert shell at the hash mark, and marches off at
the end of the song to the cheers of thoroughly drunken Alums and students.)
[N.B. The first option of the Pavlov joke was NOT used.]
November 12, 1977
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the Real World.
(The Band continues to march, while playing, all the way into the tunnel
at the closed end of Palmer Stadium.)
Aw, come on back here. It’s not THAT bad!
(The Band marches BACKWARDS out of the tunnel while playing.)
After shelling out $28,000 one might expect a job awaiting you after your Princeton liberal arts education…RIGHT.
But of course, premeds and prelaws don’t have to worry about their futures…RIGHT.
And you can always come back and work for Princeton. Right, Scott? Right, Dave?…RIGHT. Promises, promises.
(The word ‘RIGHT’ is spoken in a Bill Cosby, ‘you-poor-fool’ tone of voice) (dollar sign changes to cents sign)
But don’t worry, just take this simple test.
- What is your name?
- What is your age?
- What is your favorite color?
- What is the average airspeed of an African Swallow?
If you answered one or more of these questions… you can enroll in The Driver Training Institute, the Yale School of Leaders and Gutters, or, the Cornell School of Motel Management.
In the real world, some newspapers don’t put news on the second page, have editorials on topics other than Bicker, and don’t pick Princeton to win every week. Yes, Virginia, there are more things worth reading in newspapers than just Doonesbury.
The Band fondly salutes our own Tiger Rag.
(‘R A G’)
In the real world, some people don’t think orange and black is an acceptable way to dress. But some people have no taste at all.
“The Orange and the Black”
(‘P’)[At the conclusion of the O & the B, the Band executes a perfect double rippled tip of the hat to conclude another great season of performances.]