September 22, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Disasters.
Mexico this summer became a world leader in exportation of oil overseas as thousands of gallons reached American soil every day. Unfortunately, this is crude oil, vulgar oil, greasy and unrefined oil — in short “Dartmouth” oil, so called because it spills all over everything and leaves others to clean it up. This is a far cry from the smooth, clear, well-mannered and infinitely more refined oil Americans are used to — what experts call “Princeton” oil. Forming a disabled bird on the field, the Band denounced this foam-borne filth.
“That Old Black Magic”
(Band forms a blob)
Speaking of disasters, there’s always Jimmy Carter. It looks like the only thing he’ll beat in 1980 are defenseless bunny rabbits. Meanwhile Ted Kennedy, riding high on a wave of “draft the senator” movements, contends that he is only testing the waters. With dissension growing, both parties are looking westward to the land of milk and Rodstadt, home of the Brown side-step and the Reagan shuffle. We only hope the country wakes up from this political nightmare.
(Band changes a Carter smile into a frown)
The biggest visual disaster this summer was the exposure of the Ivy League on the pages of Playboy
magazine. It is unclear to us why the photographers chose to include the livestock of Cornell, sludge from the Charles at Hahvahd, and especially those bacterial cultures at New Haven, when so many likely prospects graze the Princeton and Dartmouth campuses. Still, we in the Band feel that it was a disgusting, degrading, and exploitative move on the part of Playboy Incorporated…to raise the price to $2.50 for the September issue.
“Hey, Look Me Over”
(Band forms a Playboy foldout)
(Band forms a block Band)
And now stay tuned for a real live disaster, the Dartmouth Marching Band.
September 29, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at The Changing Face of Princeton.
A recent cosmetic addition to campus is the installation of yet another piece of art in the Putnam sculptural collection. Pigeons have been dropping by all week and a pleased spokesman for Princeton’s dog community said, “Ruff, ruff, ruff, RUFF.” Joining Jacques Lipschitz’ “Flying Fortification” and Picasso’s excellent “Head of Woman,” this addition throws up another obstacle to frequenters of the pub. Forming “Oval with Points,” the Band salutes these strangers in the night.
“Strangers in the Night”
(Band forms Oval with Points)
High up in your dorm, late at night, when the roaches have eaten every last ounce of your junk food, and Nassau Hall is bonging two a.m., you begin to hear the call of the Wawa. (Band makes jungle noises.) Rolling down University Place at a fast clip, your eyes light up as you rush in and see the Fritos and Lays potato chips. Forming the Nabisco triangle on the field, the Band salutes this 24-hour institution.
“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes.”
(Band forms a triangle)
The biggest change on the face of Princeton would be the adoption of Andy Brown’s answer to Yale, the CURL Report. Nothing if not a controversial plan, CURL’s detractors claim it fascist, while its supporters see it as a democratic utopia. The Curl debate is getting hairy and the Band offers its own solution: Lake Carnegie Boathouse College, with running water in every room. No ifs, but oars, it will be the best thing since the Princeton Inn.
“Don’t Fence Me In”
(Band changes ‘CURL’ to ‘CREW’)
And now, bringing a smile to the face of Princeton, here’s “The Washington Post.”
(Band forms three lines and marches off at the trio)
October 6, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Nukes.
One of the scariest fallouts of the “nukes are nice” philosophy is the possibility of nuclear theft, and the construction of a home-made A-bomb. Remarkably little radioactive material is needed — a mere ten grams would suffice to level Kansas; four grams would convert New York City to a foul, dirty, dangerous pit where no one in his right mind would live; one gram in the water supply could disorient millions; and Providence, Rhode Island, could be wiped off the face of the planet with two firecrackers and a well-placed kick. Hoping you have a finished basement, the Band says, “see you six feet under.”
“Somewhere Over The Rainbow”
(Band forms huddle, then rainbow)
A spicy issue this summer has been Senate ratification of the SALT II accords. Carter’s sweet dreams of shaking a victory out of Congress have not yet crystallized. Seasoned opposition has soured the President’s plans in this embittered battle. Tossing his pride over his shoulder, Carter has been left at the negotiating table asking feebly but politely, “please pass the SALT.” When it rains, Mr. President, it pours!
“Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head”
(Band forms umbrella)
Glowing with pride after a narrowly averted disaster, the booming town of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is cooling down. This despite overheated reaction to a core of events which hung over their heads like a dark cloud last March. With hats off to the boys at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and their novel solution to the problem of unsightly facial hair, the Band forms:
- Three-Mile Island
- Five-Mile Crater
- Jane Fonda’s new hairdo
- a mushroom…pizza, or
- Nuke the Brown Band
(Band forms a mushroom)
And now the Band fuses into a high-energy musical group.
(Band forms three lines)
And now, the biggest bomb of all, the Brown University Band.
October 13, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Ten Years of Women at Princeton.
1969 was a year of big events. Man made it on the moon, Nixon made it to Washington, and women made it at Princeton. Suddently, liquor became more than a weekend pastime, Holder became more than the name of a dorm, and Henry and 1901 didn’t have to, well, you know. The Band salutes 1969 and its beatiful addition to the Princeton campus.
“Both Sides Now”
(Band forms ’69)
Although women have graced the Princeton campus for these ten glorious years, it was not until 1979 that they were judged good-looking enough to interest Playboy Magazine
. Despite being surrounded by an ever-tightening web of slick opposition, Playboy
photographers remained firm in their resolve to offer entertainment for men, degredation for women, and $400 for a full frontal pose. Forming what’s under that stack of Time
and New Yorker
magazines, the Band asks those of you who snuck out and bought the September issue to stand up and cheer.
“You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”
(Band forms a Playboy bunny)
Things have progressed greatly since that magical year, but the women of Princeton are still greatly outnumbered. With two men and a math major to every woman, most coeds will have their fill of Princeton men in four years, while many underclass men watch the sex lives slip through their fingers. Looking to a brighter future for sex ratios at Princeton, the Band warns the admissions staff that if they don’t stop, they’ll go sex blind.
“On a Clear Day”
(Band forms glasses)
[CFD promotional announcement]
(Band forms ‘CFD’)
October 20, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the continuing soap opera, “As the Tiger Turns.”
When we left wide-eyed Sue Pyne at the end of last week’s show, she had just splashed down in soggy New Jersey. Freshman Week, out beloved space cadet set out in search of the true Princeton Experience. At the Union party, she met senior Phillips Andover Hotchkiss VII. He wined her and dined her at Lahiere’s, he clothed her at Landau’s, and, when they got really close, the showed her his carrel at Woody Woo. But she couldn’t measure up to his high standards. His sweaters were imported, his wine was imported, and alas, so were his women.
“Get It On”
(Band forms a preppie striped belt complete with alligator)
Turned away from the world of docksiders and monogrammed sweaters, sophomore Sue Pyne found herself in the bulging biceps of a “hunk,” er, that is, a “tree,” er, better make that an “athlete-scholar.” He was a thirteen-letter man, learning more letters each week. She taught him ‘P’. She was his most ardent supporter, but he spent too much time practicing with the other guys. Alas, she got tired of the ping pong table every weekend and left him blowin’ in the wind.
(Band forms a pair of goalposts and “kicks” a ball over them)
In her junior year at Princeton, Sue longed for intellectual stimulation. Pulling an all-nighter at the E-Quad, she stumbled upon T.I. Hewlett Packard ’51A. It was love at near sight. he was cold and calculating, she was Ever ready. She played rock ‘n roll, he rewired her speakers. She offered him drugs, he did a titration. She mentioned sex, but it did not compute. Alas, this terminal relationship proved to be little more than a waste of valuable computer time.
(Band forms calculator)
After our heroine turned off her engineer boyfriend, Sue became obsessed with a fantasy of the “perfect man.” She wanted someone who knew the score, was adept at any formation, someone who could walk and chew gum at the same time. She found it, ladies and gentlemen, and you’ll find it too: the Princeton University Marching Band.
- Knock knock!
- Who’s there?
- Anita who?
(Band forms ‘PUB’ and marches off during second chorus)
Will Sue Pyne find true happiness in the real world? Will she find the real world? And…what about Naomi? (dramatic pause) What’s that you say? You want more? Well, OK!
(Band rushes back onto field) “Confidence”
(Band forms ‘I LOVE PU’)
“Basin Street Blues”
(Band plays last two songs in a concert shell, marching off during the last strains of “Liberty Bell”)
October 27, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the Cambridge Syndrome.
Morning breaks over the Charles. It’s a day not unlike any other. The last Wellesley girl has caught her bus. Your roomate has taken out the Globe
and brought in the trash. It’s time to get up and walk the Cliffie. But all is not calm in Cambridge. A strange glow engulfs the campus. The temperature rises and flamers are seen all over Harvard. Noses have turned skyward. The core curriculum has melted down again.
(Band forms a blob which explodes into CH4)
Somewhere in the bowels of Harvard Yard a phone rings. Ace janitor Derek Bok rushes to pick it up only to hear a strange, eerie sub-human voice at the other end saying, “PAHK the CAH at HAHVAHD YAHD” (read in a real Harvard jerk-off voice….honest Madge, that’s what Harrison told me to write). Recognizing the Senator’s voice, Bok tries to hang up, but the former law student runs on, commanding, “Mr. Bok, report to the bridge
“Star Trek Theme”
(Band forms a star)
Boldly going where no man
has gone before, Bok races around the Harvard campus, immediately recognizing the symptoms of the dreadful syndrome. Forming:
- delusions of grandeur
- confusions of gender
- profusions of MIT women
- Princeton envy, or
- New Haven anyway,
the Band suggests that you all get out while you can.
“Show Me the Way to Go Home”
(Band forms ‘F YALE’)
But don’t worry, we’re just kidding. Everyone knows there are no breeders in Cambridge.
(Band forms a big-time double wavy line and marches off, impressively)
November 3, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Using Your Imagination.
Everyone who lives in Philadelphia uses their imagination; mostly to imagine they are living somewhere else, like Palm Springs, Miami Beach, or Pittsburgh. So why don’t you use yours too? Imaginee that instead of freezing here today, you are in that fertile, floral paradise: the Garden State of New Jersey.
“Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”
(Band forms a flower)
Everyone in Philadelphia also imagines that their beloved mayor Rizzo will actually leave office when his term expires. The mayor himself is planning, with his friends Vito, Luigi, and Don Corleone to have Philadelphia secede from the Union and form the Grand Duchy of Rizzolio, based on truth, pasta, and the Sicilian way. The Band, however, has found that the mayor will be taking a new position in a noted state institution.
“America (from West Side Story)”
(Band forms the bars of a prison)
Penn students use their imagination a lot too. And it takes a lot of imagination to believe that Penn is in the Ivy league. There’s also the imaginary Penn ice hockey team, the imaginary Penn radio station, and of course the imaginary Penn football team.
(Band forms a football)
Imagine that this is Big-Time football. You’re watching the first all-Ivy League Rose Bowl. And here is the world famous, All-American, 250-strong, Princeton University Marching Band.
(Band forms a ‘P’)
Now, for your own good, try to imagine that the Penn band is not playing here today.
November 10, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Sixty Years of Marching, Music, and Mirth: The Story of the Princeton Band.
(Three people limp out: a tuba, a drum, and a piccolo)
At first the band was a small, but famous group (the three lie down and form a ‘P’). Its problems were obvious (Band starts running on). For one thing, there was no football, and no
halftime (Band walks off in disgust). But in 1869, Princeton invented football (Band runs on, gleefully). But there was still no halftime (Band walks off again). So in 1920, Princeton invented halftime entertainment (Band runs on again and forms a birthday cake), and the rest of the Ivy League still hasn’t caught on.
“Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here”
That was no ordinary afternoon in 1920. It was Princeton’s season opening, and people eagerly awaited a hotly contested match. It was halftime and neither team had been able to score. The game was tight and something was needed to relieve the mounting tension. Suddenly, an orange and black clump was spotted in the middle of the field. Music filled Palmer Stadium. Giggling was heard, then laughter. Then raptured cries of joy. The Princeton University Band had arrived.
“Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms a Princeton shield)
God only knows when the Yale band was started, but then only God knows why
the Yale band was started. Let’s face it, not even God
knows why Yale
was started. After all, He did go to Princeton.
“2001” (Band forms a block band while 8 flashers spell out such messages as YUCK FALE, BEAT YALE, and CENSORED)
Times have changed, but some things still remain the same. The Harvard band still has its bass drum and the Yale band still has its violins, but the Princeton Band still has its class. So for many years to come, we’ll proudly begin each week: “Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band!”
(Band forms P.U. BAND and marches off at the trio)[NB – During the trio of Stars and Stripes a group of Princeton students jogged around Palmer Stadium with the Yale bulldog, whom they had absconded with (oh Hell, they just plain stole him) a few days before.]
November 17, 1979
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Ancient History.
When man first mastered the tools he had at hand, he entered what we call the Stone Age. Examples of Stone Age activity can be found outside Paris, in France; at Stonehenge, in England; and just outside Ithaca, in upstate New York. Typical Stone Age pasttimes were beating animals, women, and rocks into submission with large wooden clubs. When this became boring, he domesticated the animals and women, threw rocks at one another, and discovered fire, which was quickly banned as a hazardous heat-producing device. Cavemen caught toasting their meat were subject to disciplinary action — usually in the form of selective clubbing or confiscation of the animals and women.
“Rock Around the Clock”
(Band forms a wooden club)
After the Stone Age, came, in quick succesion, the Iron Age, the Copper Age, and the Bronze Age. The smelting of these metals made possible the seven wonders of the ancient dorm room — including the Curling Iron, the Adjustable Hot Pot, the Fountains of Popcorn, the Collosus of Toast, and the Hanging Gardens of Extension Cords. Then entered the Golden Age of Regulations, and with it the Princeton Fire Code, which threatens to hurl mankind back into the Stone Age — or worse still, into the uncivilized limbo of disciplinary probation. Trembling with fear on the field, the Band wonders what will be banned next.
(Band forms a blow drier)
After the first ten years of the seige of Troy, the Greeks made a huge horse. Not suspecting that fifty Greek soldiers had gotten inside, the weary Trojans pulled it in their city. That night, the Greeks slid out of the horse and opened the gates of Troy so the rest of the Greeks could get in. With their protective wall broken, the Trojans could no longer contain the powerful onrush of the Greeks. Men and women learned from the sack of Troy that accidents do happen, and the spirit of Troy lives on in the hearts, minds, and wallets of millions. Forming:
- the head of the Trojan horse
- the middle of the Trojan horse
- Andy Brown
the Band plays, “The Horse.”
(Band forms a horse’s head)
Following the Greeks were the Romans, the great lawgivers. The the rigid rules of the Pax Romana grated on some, the dreaded sword of the Codus Incendi cooled down the hot beds of insurrection which threatened the Empire. Emperor Andus, the bearded terror of Universitasis Princetoniansis, ruthlessly threw thousands of hot pot hiders to the Deans, claiming, “I like to fiddle around as well as the next guy, but heat-producing devices really burn me up.” Forming Emperor Angus’ shield, the Flaming A, the Band toasts his goal of cold cereal for all.
“Light My Fire”
(Band forms an A surrounded by flames)
Speaking of Ancient History, when was the last time Cornell won the Ivies? When was the last time Yale turned down a football recruit? When was the last time Andy Brown walked to the Student Center for a cup of coffee? And speaking of the heights of western culture, when was the last time you beheld a sight as awesome and inspiring as the Princeton University Marching Band?
“The Orange and the Black”
(Band forms a block band and is then surrounded by the high school bands)
(Band forms a Double Rotating P and executes a perfect double rippled tip of the hat to end yet another fine season of music, marching, merriment, and mirth.)