September 19, 1981
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at things that are green.
Money, cold hard cash. Dinero. Buckaroos, buckaroos. Like certain other bare essentials, you just can’t get enough of it at Dartmouth; you just can’t get any. After four years of paying tuition, most Dartmouth students feel like they’ve been fleeced — the little money that is left over usually goes for essentials, like Woolite and knitting needles. The Band wishes to salute you poor, overtaxed but happy Dartmouth students because, monetarily speaking, you always get it in the end.
“The Best Things in Life are Free”
(Band forms a dollar sign)
Green. Mummy says it’s just key with pink. Yes, where would any preppie be without his Green Lacoste, Green duck shoes and Lime green cords: probably at Dartmouth. Forming a huddled mass, the Band gators up to Freeport, a little scared that it might not escape from Hanover with its 100% virgin wool jackets intact.
(Band forms huddled mass)
And to you, the green freshman class at Dartmouth, a few words of encouragement. Things may be bad now. You are, after all, a naive, inexperienced, scared, uneducated Dartmouth freshman. But don’t worry. Things will be better soon. In just four short years, things will change. You will be a naive, inexperienced, scared, uneducated Dartmouth alum.
“I got Plenty of Nuttin”
(Band forms ’85’ changing to ‘BS’)
And, speaking of Green, we know that you in the Dartmouth band are green with envy over the high stepping, precision power and sonic glory of those ambassadors of musical perfection, the Princeton University Band.
“King Cotton March”
(Band forms concert shell)
Now, speaking of unbearable green objects, please have patience with the Dartmouth College band.
For many students, chemicals are the sole solutions to complex problems of college life.
Due to distilled periods of compound boredom, flasks have moved from the lab to the hip. Enthusiastic students continue to labor throughout the night to overcome repulsive, physical forces. Successful bonding, however, can occur when students properly administer chemical catalysts to lower inhibitive forces and reach excited states. Illustrating the Heisenberg principle on the field, the Band isn’t sure what it’s forming.
(Band doesn’t form anything)
What name unites Delaware, chemicals, and economics? DuPont, of course. Arriving on an unexplored market, great-great grandaddy DuPont dared to penetrate where none had gone before. Finding little oppposition to corporate expansion, he enlarged his interests to form the sprawling entity which has now virtually swallowed up that entire enormity known as Delaware. After long enjoying solitary domination of the chemical industry, this largest member is being challenged by upstarts like Monsanto, all wanting their “piece of the action.” Forming:
- The amount of Delaware Dupont doesn’t own
- The possibility of a loss to DuPont stockholders this year
- The aesthetic appeal of chemical engineering plants
- An important part of Creative Thinking & Originality
- The Delaware Band
The Band salutes Adam Smith’s “invisible hand” as portrayed by our corporate friend.
(Band forms ‘0’)
No Princeton premedical education would be complete without Organic Chemistry. Some people never reach it, the academic pressures of the University force them to withdraw before orgo. For those who do achieve it, it can be a terrifying though satisfying experience. Late at night, walking across campus, you can hear the moans and blood curdling screams of spent undergraduates as they attempt to master the subject at hand.
Forming a P orbital on the field, the Band reminds all premeds that after orgo, everything is anticlimactic.
(Band forms a ‘P’)
October 3, 1981
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard, squeaky clean look at things that aren’t funny.
And, speaking of insectuous relationships, take the medfly, please. Oh, there’s nothing at all funny about these pests from the west. A desperate Jerry Brown, recalling what has eighteen legs and catches flies, has called in the Dodgers as a special swat team. Of course, given California’s success with its other attempt at environmental control, the band suggests that California make its slogan “save the flies and nuke the whales.”
(Band forms an orange)
And, speaking of flies, the Band asks the musical question, “Waiter, what’s this medfly doing in my 7-Up?”
(Band forms 7-UP)
And, speaking of things that aren’t funny, take the Moral Majority, please. Actually, the Moral Majority is a grave contradiction in terms. Even Jerry Falwell knows that forcing Providence on anyone is immoral…just take a look around. And, speaking of squalor, if blessed are the poor, the Band wants to know why there are only preppies in the Ivy League.
“Get Me to the Church on Time”
(Band forms ‘G.O.P.’)
Marches aren’t funny, so we’re going to play one by the man named after the sousaphone, John Phillip Tuba.
“Washington Post March”
(Band forms concert shell)
And speaking of things that aren’t funny, take the Brown Band, please.
October 10, 1981
We like the administration (Band runs on the field, screaming). But they don’t like us (awwwwww). It’s enough to give a band inde—-gestion. With a bad taste in our mouths, the Band takes a long, hard look at things that are tasteless.
Polyester is tasteless by any stretch of the imagination. This miracle material, putting a new wrinkle on today’s fashions, threatens to undermine the very fabric of traditional society. Whether it’s Quiana for Diana or Fortrel for Fred, from Orlondo, Florida, to Dacron, Ohio, polyester leisurely suits America. Forming a pair of Columbia Band slacks on the field, the Band salutes permanently pressing problems of flammable fiberts with its rendition of “Singing in the Rayon.”
“Singing in the Rayon”
(Band forms a pair of pants)
How do you spell tasteless? If television programming itself weren’t bad enough the commercials provide little more than sixty seconds to go for the gusto, munch a bunch, or take the pause that refreshes… Oh, what a relief it is.
(Band forms ‘COKE’)
Our jackets are orange and black, the field is green, and our eyes are vivid red. If this scene doesn’t seem right to you, you must be watching from West College.
“Hey, Look me Over”
(Band forms a television set)
How about those guys in the Orange and Black jackets? They rehearse ten hours a week, travel to strange, faraway places, (sometimes don’t get to do pregame), drink massive quantities of beer, and still find time to attend classes and write papers. Yes, the Princeton University Band, I thing we’ll keep them.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms concert shell)
October 24, 1981
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the New Wave.
The new wave in politics depends on an old one. Recalling the words of a famous dad, “Son, if you want to make a splash in politics, don’t make waves,” we note that fahthah’s advice didn’t hold water. Asking the musical question, “Waiter, what’s this trout doing in my front seat?” the Band forms a VW on the field, suggesting that if junior had bought a love bug instead of been smitten by one, he might be gracing the Oval Office today.
“I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”
(Band forms ‘VW’)
Displaying the kind of hard hitting nutritional savvy that got him elected, President Reagan has proposed a new wave of items masquerading as vegetables in school lunches. Such savory and tempting side dishes as baked stuffed pickle and mayonnaise au gratin would be served regularly, in addition to small bags of staples such as paper clips and metal shavings to provide iron and other essential nutrients. Thanks to some clear consummate testimony by the senator of soup, however, Congress mustered enough opposition to defeat the new proposal; which Reagan hoped they would pass with relish. Anticipating the reasons why ketchup is not a vegetable, the Band recognizes the importance of clear Heinz sight.
(Band forms 57)
Turning waves of federal spending into a sea of Red Lines, Mass Transit systems tunnel into the bedrock of city dwelling. Subways are, after all, a quick, reliable, and dependable way to go around Boston; just ask the Band. With modern building techniques, their construction can be easily and quickly accomplished with minimal disturbance or inconvenience to anyone important. Forming a subway token on the field, the Band slugs it to the MTBA and the Red Line extension project with hopes that all that digging in Harvard square will yield something more valuable than fareboxes.
(Band forms Boston T symbol)
How many times have you tried to kill 200 millions pesky Communists with an old, rusty missile? Frustrating, isn’t it? Now Ronnieco presents Blastomatic. It dessimates, irradiates, irradicates, eliminates, and even annihilates but still leaves your lovely buildings standing. How much would you expect to pay for an arsenal that can do all this? One billion? Ten billion? But wait, there’s so much more! Act now and you get this handsome B-1 bomber and these lovely silos in Utah to display your new toys in when not in use. Call toll-free before midnight tonight. Senators are standing by to accept your bribes. Visa, American Express, and Selective Service Cards accepted. This offer not available in stores.
(Band forms missile which launches)
October 31, 1981
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at great Eastern cities.
The most modern industrialized city of the east has little crime, little unemployment, and little people to match. Furthermore, Mukashi aru otoko no hito wa nentucket kara deshta. Koku wa sukku dekiru hodo wa. Na guyido shta ureshisona kao shteita ni itte chinu kirei. Shinagara mimi wa keento dearebu pokusurundesho. Ah, I live in Osaka, but I love Tokyo.
“Turning Japanese” -> “New York, New York”
(Band forms pagoda)
Tired of the hustle-bustle of the free world? Why not spend a fun-filled lifetime behind the scenic iron curtain? Yes, Moscow, great eastern center of free thinking, liberalism, social and political liberty, and the invasion of the month club. We salute you, Moscow, for generously hosting the apolitical 1980 Olympic games. Forming:
- An anabolic steriod
- The number of medals won by Sri Lanka
- The number of East German women swimmers without 5 o’clock shadow
- the amount of money NBC made on the Olympics or
- the Penn State Band
“Olympic Theme” -> “New York, New York”
(Band forms 0)
Ah, but let us not forget that culinary capital of the world, Paris. Home of such dining pleasures as crepes suzettes, escargots, and ze legs de frogs. But the band loves the other school of french cooking. We love zeir fries, zeir toast, and zeir onion zoup, aussi. Forming ze golden arches do triomphe on le field, the Band awaits the day when we may return for chicken McCordon Bleu.
“La Marseillaise” -> “New York, New York”
(Band forms McDonalds arches)
And now we would like to present our musical tribute to that fine city of brotherly love located on the scenic Delaware River, birthplace of American liberty and home of such fine imported brews as Schmidts and Schaefer, that’s right, Camden.
“Born to Run”
(Band forms the Liberty Bell)
November 7, 1981
The Maine University Incognito Marching Band presents a salute to the majestic state of the future. Fabulous Maine, the state of destiny.
Many famous people have come from Maine. For example:
- Ayatollah Khomeini
- Maynard Ferguson
- Johnny Tremain
- The Main Ingredient, and of course
- the Tasmanian devil
“Come on, Baby, Light My Fire”
(Band forms an ‘M’)
These people can be found in many interesting positions throughout the world. Some of the places are:
- Main Street, USA
- The Spanish Main
- Over the Bounding Main
- Armenia, and
- el Alamein
“Show Me the Way to Go Home”
(Band forms an ‘A’)
Maine residents believe in many abstract ideas, such as:
- Eminent domain
- Being Humane
- Being Germain
- Remembering the Maine
- Preventive maintenance
- Kleptomania, and
“I Want to Hold Your Hand”
(Band forms an ‘I’)
Some things that you can find back home in Maine remain:
- Maine potatoes
- Main streams
- Chicken show mein
- Lo mein
- Romaine lettuce
- Ptomaine poisoning
- water mains
- gas mains
- and mainly, mainy more, not the least of which is the world renowned Main Lobster
(Band forms an ‘N’)
And now the for main course, the maine event — those main men in their mangy jackets, the P.U. Band.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Turkeys.
Able to pluck victory from the beak of defeat, Reagan and his gaggle of gobbling advisors sent the AWACS winging their way on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia. But on the domestic scene, it’s not all gravy for “Turkeynomics,” a poultry excuse for a well-balanced economic diet. Forming a wishbone on the field, the Band hopes our student loans won’t be carved up.
“I Got Plenty of Nutton”
(Band forms a breaking wishbone)
Basking away in C Floor, nerds are the second biggest flock of turkeys on campus. Up to their gizards in books, nerds are sandwiched between matrix analysis and mayonnaise and rarely dare to stick their mechanical pencil necks beyond their carrels. Forming Pi on the field, the Band salutes these whiz kids of Princeton and their ancient Athenian ancestors, the Geeks.
“Hard Day’s Night”
(Band forms pi)
Turkeys and stuffing go together. So do stuffing and shirts. Speaking of the administration and the USG, birds of a feather flock together. In response to recent administration head that we appear better dressed the Band replies that without Creative Thinking and Originality there would be no fun whatsoever.
“Hey Look Me Over”
(Band forms ‘CTO’ changing to ‘NFW’
When it’s time to stuff your bird, many students find it necessary to trot to the U-Store candy counter. Although sometimes you feel like a nut, you can’t get anything when you’re on the stop list. We’re not talking turkey when we say that there are two things at Princeton you can depend on. Outrageous prices at the U-Store and musical satisfaction from the Princeton University Band, or your money back.
(Band forms a concert shell)
November 14, 1981
And now for the entertainment portion of halftime… Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long hard look at things Yale has that Princeton doesn’t.
Caged in dark, cramped dorms, bulldogs are collared into residential colleges while tigers are free to choose their own lifestyles. The long arms of Yale’s administration have their hands in the personal lives of every student, manipulating rooming and eating options. Thanks to an open-minded administration, however, Princeton undergrads have control of their own living arrangements. (Band yells, “But Larry!”)
Oh year, we’re getting residential colleges, too, aren’t we. Never mind…but remember, as you curl up with a mystery tonight, the butler did it.
“Don’t Fence Me In”
(Band forms the mathematical sign for curl)
Prestigious professional schools can be found at Yale, but not at Princeton. While students are Princeton may end up on Disciplinary Probation for studying someone else’s briefs, there is a law school at Yale for anyone so inclined. Students at Yale can play doctor in the med school while Princetonians must satisfy themselves playing house in the architecture school. For the scientifically minded, Yale, like any fine university, has a top notch engineering program. (“But Larry!”)
Oops! I forget, Yale’s engineering school isn’t accredited anymore. Sorry.
(Band forms a sign with a slash through BSE)
One thing that Yale and Princeton share is a rivalry with another major university. As USC has its UCLA, Michigan its OSU, Princeton its Rutgers… (“But Larry!”)
Goofed again, didn’t I? Anyway, Yale has its rivalry with another well known northeastern school; a rival institution with which Yalies love to do battle, where every conquest brings delight to Yalies young and old. That’s right, Vassar.
(Band forms a block band and flashes)
One thing Princeton has that Yale doesn’t is a band that is willing to put itself to the ultimate test. That’s right. We’ve been at the heart of a massive amount of controversy this year including local and media attention. But it is not UPI, The Philadelphia Inquirer,
nor The New York Times
that is our audience. We think it is time for you
, our true audience to decide. Will all those who want to see the Band change into a bland, boring, and banal organization devoid of character and personality in the tradition of a big ten marching band please raise your hand and quack like a duck. (pause)… Now all you who think that the Band should remain at the cutting edge of satire and continue in its irreverent, humorous, disrespectful, and generally crazy and spirited tradition, please applaud. Thank you.
“Stars and Stripes”
(Band forms a concert shell)
November 21, 1981
Ladies and gentlemen, in its farewell performance of the 1981 marching season, the Princeton University Band would like to take this opportunity to salute some of the things that make America great.
(Band marches out to the “Washington Post March”)
The automobile. Symbol of American know how. Four wheeled steel icon representing America on the move. Recognizing the pioneering spirit of such great Americans as Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone who together paved the way for the network of highways and byways which join the cities of this great land, we pay tribute to the driving spirit and ingenuity of American inventiveness and to the V-8 engine.
(Band forms Chevy emblem)
From its modest beginnings in 1776, the United States Military has grown into the most awesome defensive power that the world has ever known. Reminding all true Americans that eternal vigilance is the price of liberty, we form the Trident Missile submarine Ohio on the field and demonstrate how this newest addition to America’s defenses will keep the oceans safe for democracy.
(Band forms submarine which torpedos a Russian trawler)
And what makes America great? It’s American industry. And what makes American industry great? American labor. Organized American labor. Hard working, devoted men and women who have that 110% effort to make American productivity the envy of the modern world.
(Band forms ‘AFL CIO’)
Wait a minute, Band. Union rules. It’s time for your milk and cookies break. (The Band stops playing and drinks milk eats cookies on the field). Wasn’t that great? (Band responds mmmmmmmm!) And wholesome, too.
Fellow patriots, we’re lucky to live in the United States where we enjoy a high standard of living, religious freedom, high technology, gasahol, mood rings, slice-O-matics, cruise control, aerosol cheese, no pork product bacon bits, rich corinthian leather, Koolaid, video games, pasteurized processed artificial cheese product, mom, marriage, Bob & Tina, apple pie, baseball, football, championship wrestling, gong show, Wink Martindale, John Cameron Swayze, Don Pardo, Charo, Roto-Rooter, the Ty-D-Bol man, ring around the collar, racial & sexual equality, Sandra Day O’Connor, the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team, the L.A. Dodgers, Speigel Catalog Chicago 60609, chain letter, chain link fences, chain smoking, Art Linkletter, Dandy Don, Howard Cosell, Mister Rogers, corn, wheat, rye, barlet, Cap’n Crunch, amber waves of grain, Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse, Dumbo, Bonzo, Burgess Meredith, Twinkies, plastics, wind-up dentures, joy buzzers, whoopy cushions, slinkies, Budweiser Bud Man, Potato Buds, nose glasses, rubber chickens, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Road Runner, the White Tornado, Iron City, coal miners, coal miner’s daughter, farmers’ daughters, alumni daughters, travelling salesmen, the Golden Gate, the wide Mississippi, purple mountains majesty, the vast plains, the mighty Pacific, the giant redwood, the proud and sturdy oak, the LARCH, Stars and Stripes, higher education, monopoly, parcheesi, Redi Whip, the Whopper, 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun, God, guns, guts, chaw, frog jumping, potato chips, aluminum siding, hula hoops, hot dogs, pizza, Clearasil, Oxy 5, Oxy 10, oil filters, the space shuttle, Tatum O’Neil, Shirley Temple, The Duke, Phyllis, Brent, and Irv, Charles Huber ’51, Nathan Hale, PVC, RCA, PCB, DDT, JFK, RFK, CBS, ABC, NBC, JKSC, NFW, BVD, BFD, FBI, IUD, CTO, FDR, MTA, MX, ERA, ELO, DNA, PRB, NYC, TRW, RPM, IBM, MBA, BSE, CPA, THC, PHD, LSD, MIT, NIT, NCAA, LSU, M.I.C. K.E.Y. M.O.U.S.E.
(Band forms ‘USA’ and sings “America the Beautiful” as the list is read)
Yes, America, home of free press, freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Where, unlike any other country in the world, a group of 100 students can be given the opportunity to voice its views in front of thousands of people every week and where citizens bask in the blinding light of liberty.
The Band remains on the field to be joined by the participants in high school band day and plays, en masse, “The Orange and the Black” and “The Thunderer.”