September 18, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Disasters.
Dear Diary, What a disaster. Today was just the pits. It started out gorgeous, but then it went straight downhill. I’m afraid I failed my hotel project because the pork I made for the fraternity banquet wasn’t properly boned. I don’t know what I’ll do if I fail, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I feel as if I’m already over the edge. If my grades keep falling, the only thing left to do will be to drop out.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms a gorge and someone dives down it)
But nothing is more disastrous than the social life in Ithaca. While things are cookin’ in the restaurant school, the agriculture students are out to pasture. And even though Cornell students claim their Greek system is classic, everyone knows that it is really in ruins. Compared to Princeton, Cornell’s social life pales so much…that the Big Red isn’t even in the pink.
(Band forms ‘SAE’ changing to ‘SAD’)
Caught in the grip of severe recession, the U.S. economy is indeed a disaster. Auto sales continue to skid. And the construction industry remains in the doghouse. Bracing for the worst, President Reagan has been seen on Washington streets with both old time business associate and intellectual peer Bonzo and an organ grinder attempting to “win funds for the Gipper.” Forming a reasonable facsimile of the trickle down theory, the Band hopes that the President will “take the bullish market by the horns” and charge through unemployment, rather than our pocketbooks.
“Happy Days are Here Again”
(Band forms a drip)
Wishing not to neglect other disasters, the Band forms:
- The number of citizens able to afford homes
- The amount of money left after paying college tuition
- A plate full of school food
- The Environmental Protection Agency’s current budget, or
- The collapsing economy
The Band suggests that this become our new “National Emblem.”
(Band forms concert shell)
And speaking of disasters, take the Cornell Band…please.
September 25, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Pollution.
Something is rotten in the state of Delaware. Besides the Delaware Band. That’s right, the Delaware River. While Dupont allows the state to absorb their waste, they merely recycle their profits. Ha Ha. Asking the musical question, “Why are all the hens blue when the water isn’t?” the Band suggests that you do not go “Down by the Riverside.”
“Down by the Riverside”
(Band forms a River)
Blue hens aren’t the only fowl things in Delaware skies. Working to make America great again, our current administration is relaxing its auto pollution standards to give the Big Three a breath of fresh air. However, Delaware residents are choking on these excessive emissions. Forming a catalytic converter on the field, the Band cleans up its act.
“Smoke Gets in your Eyes”
(Band forms a catalytic converter, and trash percussion shoots out)
But Delaware’s pollution problem does not end with their water and air. Oh, no siree. They have plenty of pollution on what little ground they have. Forming the state of Delaware on the field (Pause) No, that’s too big. (Pause) No, that’s still too big. (Pause) There, that’s just right. The Band sinks to their level and gets small.
“We’ve Got to Get Out of This Place”
(Band forms Delaware, first large, the smaller, then smallest)
And now, forming a garbage heap, the Band prepares to crawl back to New Jersey, the original home of industrial pollution.
(Band forms Concert shell)
And as if water, air and land pollution weren’t enough, prepare for the noise pollution of the Delaware Marching Band.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at… Art.
In the Beginning, there was no art.
(Band is in a blob)But as man’s mind expanded, so did his need for art.
(Blob expands)It was at this point in history that man developed the wheel.
(Center of blob hollows out, forming a wheel)
Now things were really rolling. Then came the oracle bones, which we cannot form. Fortunately for us, the Egyptians constructed the pyramids, which are easy to depict.
“King Tut” (Band forms pyramid, with trash percussion doing hieroglyphics in center)
But music was still in its early stages. The center of art moved to the Mediterranean, where the Greeks and Romans added a new side to art.
(Triangle opens to square, with trash percussion forming fourth side)
And although art did flourish during the Dark Ages, no one could see it.
(Band looks around)But with the Renaissance, man’s attention returned to higher aspirations, captured by Michaelangelo in his ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
“I Want to Hold Your Hand”
(Band forms rectangle, with Pres & Drum Major for God and Christ)
As time passed, society progressed, nations industrialized, technology advanced, and with the creation of the Putnam Collection, art collapsed.
(Band reforms a blob)
But with the artistic performances of the Princeton University Band, music marches on.
“Washington Post March”
October 9, 1982
These people, dressed as they are, have come from all over the country and all walks of life to play “Let’s Make a Deal.” And here’s TV’s big dealer…Monty Hall. (Band cheers) Who wants to make a deal? (Band yells “Me! Me!”) No, no, President Sovern (Columbia’s president), not that kind of deal. (Me! Me!) OK, you, in the orange and plack plaid jackets, come on down. (Band runs onto field)
“Family Feud Theme”
OK, Band, I’m prepared to offer you $50 for those orange and black plaid jackets. (“NO!”) How about $100? (“NO!”) All right, how about those jackets for what’s inside Carol Merrill’s box? (Band takes off jackets) Well, Band, you’ve just won $50 worth of Extra-Strength Tylenol and a trip to…Fantasy Island.
“Girl from Ipanima”
(Band forms a box)Welcome to Fantasy Island. Smiles, everyone, smiles. And what is your fantasy, Band? (Random shouts) Now, now, Band. This is Fantasy Island, not 42nd Street. Tatoo, show the Band to their gift. That’s right, a new Cordoba. (Trumpets play Cordoba cheer, Band makes amazed cries.) The complete driving experience. Luxurious. Affordable. Unlike 42nd Street. Answering the age-old question, “Where does Corinthian leather come from?”, the Band forms a rich Corinthian cow.
“I’m an old Cowhand”
(Band forms ‘COW’)
And now, would you trade in this fine, tropical vacation for what’s behind Door #1? (“YES! YES!”) Congratulations, you have just won the high-stepping, earth-shattering, is it live or is it Memorex, sonic glory of the Princeton University Precision Marching Band.
Generic Sousa March
(Band forms concert shell)
But here’s what you missed behind Door #3. Oh! It’s a zonk, the Columbia Marching Band.
October 16, 1982
(Band marches out to cadence of the movie “Stripes”)
- Where have you been?
- Training, sir!
- What kind of training, Band?
- Army training, sir!
- Do you mean to tell me that you have constructed this entire halftime show without the help of a faculty advisor?
- That’s the fact, Jack!
Who can forget that dire situation approximately one year ago today? America’s back was against the wall. The Soviets occupied Afghanistan. The Middle East sat like a nuclear time bomb, ready to explode. And the Communist threat enveloped El Salvador, despite our military advisors. But the West Point military masterminds had a deeper concern. Retreating from the offensive attacks of other Ivy League bands, the sharp wits and jackets of the Princeton University Band struck fear into their overdisciplined hearts. Discretion is the better part of valor, their braintrust decided. “BAN THE BAND,” they cried. And as a result, the impressionable young cadets were safe from the wit of their countrymen.
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms ‘WIT’
changing to ‘BAN’
And now a word from our sponsors:
Do you know me? I used to be Secretary of State, but with unemployment what it is today, I have to subsist on my meager pension. That’s why I carry this…The American Distress Card. Whether it’s hotel accomodations in Beirut or lunch on the run in El Salvador, I know that wherever I go, even the White House, I can say with confidence, “I can charge here.” The American Distress Card. (Band flips cards spelling ‘CY VANCE’.) Don’t leave the Administration without it.
“Hail to the Chief”
(Band forms American Distress Card)
And now, the Band will perform a musical arrangement of the famous speech by General Douglas MacArthur presented to the West Point graduating class of 1962.
“Duty, Honor, Country”
(Band forms block band, then dons sunglasses and corncob pipes)
We shall return.
(Band strolls off field)
October 23, 1982
The Princeton University Band would like to remind all students, alumni, friends of the tiger, and our special guest George Schultz to refrain from coptering during their halftime performance.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Leisure Time.
Oh, wow, man, when we want to hang out, we go to the mall. For sure. I mean, like, designer jeans are just so cool. Oh my God. But, man, we’d never go to the coop. It’s so grotey. Like, totally. Gag me with a spoon. I am just sooo sure. (Band forms jeans with ‘Veritas’ on pocket, changing to ‘PUB’ on pocket.) Hey, wow. Check out that bandamundo. For sure. I mean, they’re forming a groovy pair of designer jeans, like, check it out. Megacool, or what.
When it’s time to relax, Americans break out the bottles and grab for all the gusto they can. From California’s Napa Valley to Hahvahd’s Mahtha’s Vineyard to Princeton’s Schafers City, the Band will drink no beer before it’s time. It’s time. (Band takes out beer cans and drinks) Yes, it’s everything you’ve always wanted in a band…and more.
(Band forms ‘BUD’)
Oh, no, Band. You tied one on last joke, and now it’s time to get in step with America and shape up. Here’s Richard Simmons to help you out. Come on fatties, work off those pizza agency thighs and beer bellies band. (Band does drinking motions.) No, that’s how you got those beer bellies. (Exercise motion, coincidentally resembling vomiting motions.) That’s better. After these exercises, you’ll be able to flex better than Harvard’s offense.
“Hey, Look me Over”
(Band forms ‘E’, for no particular reason)
But in Cambridge, students spend their leisure time exposing themselves to classics.
“Theme from 2001”
Band forms ‘H’ with the cross bar made up of the flashers, who form:
October 30, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Things That are in Bad Taste.
“Princeton Forward”All Princetonians have been forced to swallow the bad tasting food at Commons. If it isn’t Turkey Tetrachloride or Seafood Nuremberg, you can bet DFS will be serving their mouth-watering rendition of steamed yak curry. However, the Band would like to offer an alternative to this culinary catastrophe. Forming a plate of Band jackets on the field, the PUB shows that we aren’t a band with bad taste, we’re just a band that tastes bad.
“Sink the Bismark”
(Band forms circle with some band jackets piled inside)
I’d like to talk to you a little about…bad commercials. From Scope’s insulting morning breath to Ti-D-Bowl’s innoculous sailor, the American public finds it difficult to stomach the bad taste of Madison Avenue. Fighting fire with fire, the Band forms:
- a White Castle burger (a small circle)
- a Wendy’s burger (a square)
- a Jumbo Jack (a little larger circle)
- or a Big Mac (a larger circle), or
- a Whopper (a very large circle),
and asks the musical question, “Aren’t you hungry?”
“Where, Oh Where Has my Little Dog Gone?”
And now, the Band will list all the things that are in good taste in Philadelphia…(Pause). Well, there are always cheesesteaks.
“Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms a cheesesteak)
But never fear, because here’s the great tasting, not available in stores, take two and call us in the morning, P.U.B.
“Liberty Bell March”
(Band forms a concert shell)
Of course, everyone says the epitome of bad taste is the Princeton University Band. The PUB has carefully walked the fine line between subtle humor and blatant smut. Abandoning humor, the Band reverts to smut. Forming a huge, pulsating…Sorry the rest of this show has been cut. (Band, which has been running around as if to go into formation, stops in place, shrugs, and walks off the field.)
November 6, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at… ooh la la… French things.
“Princeton Forward”Where would the fashion industry be without French innovation? From Yves Saint Laurent to Inspector Clousseau, the French are always at the height of fashion. Besides, where do you think lingerie comes from, Camden? But France’s contribution to style does not stop with clothes, oh no! Forming the ever-popular goatee on the field, the Band thanks heaven for little curls.
“Thank Heaven for Little Girls”
(Band forms a goatee, bearing absolutely no resemblance to female anatomy)
Let’s play Family Feud. And here’s your host, Richard Dawson. Give me the top three answers to this question: Name a famous French military officer. “I’ll say Napoleon, Richard.” (Ding!) “Let’s go with Charles DeGaulle, Richard.” (Ding!) “How about Jacques Cousteau?” (Buzz) “Show me Beldar Conehead, Dick.” (Buzz) OK, visiting audience, you have the chance to steal. (Pause) What’s that? Lafayette? Show me Lafayette! (Buzz) Well, the Band keeps all the money, but let’s see the correct answer. (Pause) Pepe Le Pew of cartoon fame. For Johnny Olson, this is Richard Dawson saying so long for the feud, and may all your kisses be French.
(Band forms a box, flashing correct answers when they are called)
And now, take French cooking… for example. France has brought us the soufflet, the crepe, and the fries, aussi. In fact, almost anything tasty to eat comes from France. But let us not forget the most famous French culinary contribution…the quiche. Forming a fish on the field, the Band forsakes this foreign egg pie and reminds everyone that “Real men don’t eat quiche, they eat tuna fish.”
“I Love Paris in the Spring Time”
(Band forms a fish)
Concluding our tribute to France, the Band recognizes France’s greatest cheese and forms…De-brie.
“April in Paris”
(Band stands in random formation)
November 13, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Defensive Systems.
yale students, how many times have you been afraid to leave your room at night because you fear you will be mugged in the hallway? Fear no more. yale’s equipped with the Muggers’ Motel. Developed by the East Germans for use on the Berlin Wall, this system keeps yalies free from those pesky rapists, tacky townies, and most importantly, students who forgot their keys. Feel confident before, during, and after leaving your residential college. The Muggers’ Motel…Thugs check in, but they don’t check out.
(Band forms rectangle, whole trash plays muggers (bugs) checking in and not checking out)
The only institution that spends more on defense than yale is the United States Government. Each year, billions of our tax dollars are spent developing weapons systems able to penetrate any enemy’s missile screen. There is the Neutron Bomb, the B-1 bomber, the MX missile, and the Cruise Missile. Besides, who wants Trident anyway? (Band shouts, “I do! I do!”) With this dangerous warhead build-up, the Band looks forward to Mutally Assured Destruction and says, “What-Me-Worry? We’ve always got the B-52’s.”
(Band forms ‘M.A.D.’)
Today’s most popular form of defense is the insanity plea. Whether it’s shoplifting at Wawas or shooting the President, the insanity defense is the sure-fire escape route. Why, Delorean could use this madcapped method, claiming his coke isn’t the real thing. Even the Band has pleaded insanity in times of trouble. Forming a loose screw on the field, the band shows that we’re still crazy and gets off scot free.
(Band forms a screw)
Demonstrating that the best defense is a good offense, take the ever-offensive yale band…Please.
November 20, 1982
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…things we haven’t abused lately.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. Each little pig built a residential college to keep out the big, bad upperclassmen. The first little pig put together many old, scattered dorms, but it was a dumb idea and they fell down. The second little pig found a bunch of new buildings and named his residential college after a famous school for public and international affairs, but that too fell down. But the third little pig found some new new buildings and began to build a new new dining facility out of big strong bricks. But it fell down before it could be completed. Ha! Ha! The Band doesn’t get Mathey, they get even.
“Get it On”
(Band forms three rectangles which fall down, one by one)
The following sweeping generalizations and ridiculously simple solutions to complex problems are presented by a group of former students interested in returning this most-exalted University to the moral and ethical principles upon which Princeton was founded.
- Let’s issue all students cats and hotpots at registration.
- Let’s eliminate bicker.
- Let’s give everyone more financial aid.
- Let’s remove all religious symbols from the University Chapel.
- Let’s hire more extra-terrestials for responsible positions in the administration.
Wouldn’t that be nice? These Band shorts have been brought to you by the caring, responsible alumni of Princeton.
(Band forms four blobs which form ‘C.R.A.P.’
at the end)
One of our oldest and dearest friends is leaving the University, and the band would like to take this opportunity to get in one last hot pot shot at J. Anderson Brown. So…This is your life, Andy Brown. Do you remember this voice out of your past? “AAAAH, it’s a drug bust!” And remember when the Band was in trouble last year? You came to the rescure by wisely changing our sexually-repulsive line “Law students can study each others’ briefs” to this rib-ticklin’, side-splittin’ kneeslapper: “Law students can study each others’ shorts.” Ha! Ha! Luckily, we didn’t take your advice then, Andy. But seriously folks, we’d like to thank Andy for being such a wonderful lame duck this year. (Entire band quacks) Commemorating Andy’s class on the field, the Band asks, “What time is it, Andy?”
“Carol Burnett Theme”
(Band forms ’69)
And as we conclude our 1982 season, the Band would like to thank everyone for the support and applause that we have received throughout the entire season. Ttthhhat’s all folks.
“St. Louis Blues”
(Band forms concert shell)
And this is your announcer, Larry “You can’t say my last name” Wiener signing off for the final time.
THE DARTMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 20, 1982
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)