September 17, 1983
Ladies and gentlemen, after a long, hard summer, the Princeton University Band would like to welcome you back to fall with a re-introduction to football.
(“Gillette Look Sharp Theme” is played softly during the next few lines.)
Hello and welcome to the Big Green Stadium. This is Howard Cosell. On the field the Band will now re-enact the dramatic play that allowed Princeton to come from behind for an upset victory over Dartmouth in 1969. Reflecting the political mood of the ’60s, the team shifts left, while the end goes in motion and lines up in the slot. The quarterback fakes a handoff to the back who dives through the hole, and takes a deep drop into the pocket. The receiver in the slot goes down and in, while the other receiver goes deep. The quarterback fakes to the short man and throws long, hitting the open man who has beaten the Indian deep zone, making him a Princeton football hero.
“You’ve Got to be a Football Hero”
(Band acts out play)
But these days, the football hero relies more on the pep pill than on the pep talk. However, the Band could have predicted that a long time ago. Why, playing in a bowl filled with grass, players couldn’t help getting up for the game. Even with Astroturf, the field remains riddled with hash marks. And cocaine has always been a factor, with lines every five yards. Why do you think we’re out here? Forming a bad trip on the field, the Band escapes the green, grim reality of Hanover.
(Band forms a bad trip…you know, a blob)
And for all the naive freshmen, the Band would like to conclude by informing you that after four years of hard work, you’ve got plenty of mutton.
September 24, 1983
And now for something completely different: the Princeton University Band presents the Wild, Wild World of Spurts.
Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sports….Covering Tiger sports for over 60 years, the Band has been on hand for such memorable events as the 1981 football victory over Yale, the NCAA basketball playoffs, and the Pan-Ivy League L.L. Bean Duck Boot Classic, making the Band Princeton’s Number 1 athletic supporters. We bring you the human drama of athletic competition, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms a ski jump, while a skier wipes out and dies)
In today’s show we take you to the traditional Lewisburg javalin catching competition, the Beirut grenade toss, and the Soviet trap and plane shoot. But first a word from our sponsor.
Now, the famous Princeton University Band for Tiger Light: To maintain our high-stepping sonic glory, we’re always sure to bring along plenty of cases of that great new cream ale, Tiger Light. Brewed in Camden, Tiger Light is made for the way ’87 drinks beer — no additives, no preservatives, and no alcohol…never had it, never will. Now, caffeine free! Tiger Light…nothing you’ve ever wanted in a beer…and less.
- a caffeine-free drink
- cream-filled doughnuts
- cows fighting diabetes
- clean formats are dull, or
- the Campus Fund Drive
The Band urges you to support the Campus Fund Drive, now in its 50th year.
(Band forms ‘C.F.D.’)
Today we focus on Princeton University where we take an in-depth look at the annual cane spree competition. In years past, packs of roving freshmen assaulted a solitary soph and his coveted cane, pilphering his symbol of supremacy. Once they possessed a cane, freshmen were able to speak sophomorically and carry a big stick. Today, there are over 14,872 events, ranging from the Fine Tower Platform Dive to the 100-meter Back Stroke in Dillon. Whoops! This year, even the pool is dry for freshmen. Plans for future events are well under way, so do not be alarmed if you see the daring and dangerous “Meet-Someone-From-Outside-Your-Residential-College” Competition, or the ever-popular Mudwrestling in the pit behind Alexander Hall. Looking forward to the cane of the future the Band forms…the Light Sabre.
“Sabre and Spurs”
(Band forms a light sabre, not a dick)
Don’t touch that dial! Stay tuned for the second half of the Princeton/Bucknell gridiron classic!
October 1, 1983
(To the tune of the International Ladies Garment Workers’ Union Song)
Look for the orange jackets when you are dying for fun at a game.
Remember somewhere there is precision
in high school bands that all look the same.
We think they’re really boring so we are funny.
We’ll entertain you at every game.
So always look for those tacky jackets
And you will always be glad that you came.
(Band walks out one by one from sidelines to form blob)
There are few organizations larger than AT&T. However, Bell’s quest for total monopoly has been hung up for good. While new firms like MCI are SPRINTing past her, an expectant Ma Bell is busy enduring labor pains. Once the cord has been cut, the new-born companies will offer innovations such as party lines with built-in taps and direct dial service to Mexico via Taco Bell. Forming the Liberty Bell on the field, the Band reminds you that obscene phone calls are the next best thing to being there.
“Liberty Bell March”
(Band forms Liberty Bell which breaks up into subsidiary blobs)
One large disorganization is Congress. Though the size of this institution remains the same, the Congressmen’s wallets and the speaker’s waistline are expanding uncontrollably. I mean, when Congressmen sit around the House, they sit around
the House. While on summer recess, Congressmen have become junkett food junkies, getting them countless pages behind in their work. But no discussion of the unbalanced government diet would be complete without mentioning the bloated pentagon budget, stuffed with $10,000 punctured airplane tires, and $900 screws. Forming a wobbly warhead on the field, the Band illustrates the ill consequences of defective parts.
(Band forms wobbly warhead)
Moving from the founding fathers to Godfathers, the Band recognizes the world’s largest organization — the Mafia. Moving in the mob’s racket, the Band would like to make you an offer you can’t refuse and expose Brown alums whose fiddle cases contain more violence than violins. Straight from the horse’s mouth, the Band has learned…Hey! What’re you doing in here? Oh! Ouch!…O.K., O.K., we’ll play. Play, Band!
(Band forms a coffin)
And now, for the slimiest mob around, take the Brown Band….please.
October 8, 1983
And now for something completely different: The Princeton University Band takes an up-close and personal look at psychology.
All right, Band, step into my office and let us probe the inner folds of your psyche. Here, sit on the couch, Band. On second thought, get off the furniture. Now it’s time for a little word association. Just say the first thing that pops into your head. Ready? Mother…(“superior”); hand…(“cuff”); hair…(“net”); blow…(“pong”); big…(“10”); jack…(“in the box”); tastes great…(“less filling”).
Hmmm. From this test, we can tell you’ve been spending too much time with Tom Wright…(“WRONG”). Forming a rubber room on the field, the Band bounces back.
“I Love Lucy”
(Band forms square)
This is a test of the emergency Rorschach system. For the next sixty seconds, the Band will test your creative thinking and originality. —-tone—- If this had been an actual dirty joke you would have been instructed where to go in your area. This is a test; this is only a test. Forming the ever-popular ink blot on the field, the Band asks the musical question, “Do you see what I see?”
“Hey, Look Me Over”
(Band forms and ink blot…you know, a blob)
All right, Band, step into my office and let us probe the inner folds of your psyche. Oh, no! Have you ever experienced that strange phenomenon known as Deja Vu? Have you ever experienced that strange phenomenon known as Deja Vu? Forming a rubber room and fearing the outside world, the Band says, “I hear you knocking but I can’t get out.”
“I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In”
(after the Columbia Band has just played it five times)
(Band forms a square as before)
And now the Band will execute an incredibly complicated formation to test your perception. Remember that this is a daring and dangerous maneuver. The Band members are trained professionals and wear special protective clothing. Please do not attempt to duplicate this yourself. Forming an intricate optical illusion on the field, the Band asks, “Which of these two lines appears longer to you?” and demonstrates that the Band is composed of many multiple personalities.
(This is a medley of several very different songs–split personality time)
And now the Band makes like a personality and splits.
October 15, 1983
And now, Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band forsakes precision and intelligence and joins the Navy.
(Note: when each set of a number and letter in parentheses is pronounced, someone runs out a puts a cone somewhere on the field.)
You look like a fine group of strapping young Band members. (G-5)
By the look of those uniforms, you belong with the elite Naval Oranges. Band, you have to start at the bottom as seamen 3rd class and work under one of these famous captains: (D-2)
Captain Ahab, Captain Nemo, Captain Kirk, Captain Bligh, Captain America, Captain Marvel, Captain Fantastic, Captain Stubing, Captain Kangaroo, Captain and enille, Captain Muon, Captain Entropy, or Captain Crunch. No, Captain Crunch has come down with Crunch-Berry-Berry.
(Band forms waves, cardboard boat rides waves)
Band, you have become such experts at cleaning up yourselves, your first assignment is to decontaminate the Love Canal. Be careful, Band, for there are many dangers lurking ahead. (A-6)
The canal is rife with toxic chemicals. You must try not to become wasted along the way. Enter the first lock at your own risk…(B-9)
Oh no, Band, you’ve sprouted an Aloha Deck! You’re serving Tequila Sunrises in the Acapulco Lounge! The toxic waste has mutated you into…The Love Boat!
(Band forms a lock which the boat goes through)
Beware, Cap’n Stupid, you’ve left the tainted, festering waters of the Love Canal. You are venturing into even more hazardous seas. (C-1)
AAAAAARRGGHH! Avast ye mateys. This is Long John Silver. Long Johns, for short. No relation to Little John, Tommy John, or Elton John. Now, take hold of this puny vessel, men. Grab the dabloons. Not the balloons, buffoons, the dabloons. (Pirates attack boat while Love Boat crew fights them off.) (A-4)
Well, shiver me timbers and blow me down. Julie and Gopher are too tough for us. They’re beating us back. We’ll have to walk the plank. We just can’t…slow the Band down.
“Blow the Man Down”
(Band forms ‘G.F.P.’, no one but the Band understands as Groovy Fish Party)
Congratulations, Love Boat, you’ve bravely handled another hearty mission. Now, Band, synchronize your watches. You’re entering the heavily-mined port of Guadalajara. You must return to your quarters (B-4)
Eighteen hundred hours. Carefully survey the territory. Round up as much booty, such as pinatas and wicker elephants, as possible. Take no prisoners. You have your orders, now…(F-9)
Oh, no! You’ve sunk our Love Boat! And unlike rats, we’ll have to go down with our ship.
“Sink the Bismark”
(Band forms the grid for Battleship and boat gets sunk)
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes the long road to Hahvahd.
The road to Hahvahd begins at a very young age. While mummies knit one and pearl two tiny duck booties, daddies arrange for Junior’s nanny and college trust fund. Snotty tots plot to become hot shots by uttering their first words, “goo goo Hahvahd,” or by bawling, “Smithies are great.” Forbidden from playing with common children, these brats choose a childhood devoid of social development. Forming a pacifier on the field, the Band illustrates the future Hahvahdite’s best friend.
(Band forms Pacifier)
Once out of their tweed diapers, these ambitious brats have the unenviable task of prepping. While some Choate at the prospect, others simply And-over the job to Daddy. Once they’ve Groten in, however, these budding young preps spend more time on Exeter curricular activities than on their books. With an education like this, the top schools become more remote and getting in anywhere becomes imperative. How about those S.A.T. scores? Well, it looks like you can’t get into Princeton…You’ll have to settle for Hahvahd.
(Band forms ‘S.A.T.’ changing to ‘S.A.D.’)
After Junior is forced into attending Hahvahd, he finds the crimson-shirted education isn’t all it’s stuffed up to be. Unable to shed their adolescent predilection for Dr. Suess and Dr. Dentons, Hahvahd undergrads forsake the traditional college campus, choosing instead to romp for four years in the yard. Forming a 1000 sheet roll of two-ply, squeezably-soft Hahvahd diplomas on the field, the Band says, “You’re pompous without circumstance.”
“Pomp and Circumstance”
(Band forms a roll of toilet paper, it unrolls, a sheet tears off.)
So, Jonny Hahvahd, now that you’ve got your degree, what can it get you? Not much. No more caviar, no more champagne, no more Boston Beans, you can’t even get scrod. It certainly can’t get you employment. But the Princeton University Band, those ambassadors of musical perfection, form a helping hand on the field and say, “We’ve always got a job for you.”
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
(Band forms a helping hand on the field)
October 29, 1983
Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, in its funny mission to explore the outer limits of humor, to transcend the bounds of New Jersey, vainly seeking out intelligent life in Philadelphia, daring to go where no Band has gone before…The Princeton University Band.
You are entering a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. This show starts in the END ZONE.
Drum Major’s Log–Star Date 10/29/83
Following our rescue of James Watt from a woman, a black, two Jews, and a cripple, our mission sent us through a Crab Nebula of horrors where we encountered a frustrated tribe of Quakerians. In a one-sided battle of wits we were able to outsmart the tribe and their state school of thought. Now on standard course for the Schulkyll system…
(siren noises) Red Alert, Red Alert. We’re being driven off course by unknown forces. All systems reverse thrust — we have to pull away! We’re being sucked into a BLACK HOLE!!! Well, at least we’re leaving Philadelphia.
“We Gotta Get Out of this Place”
(Band forms a blob which contracts into a black hole)
Though many argue the incomprehensibility of the cosmos, the Band demonstrates its knowledge of the ultimate principles of the universe:
- We are Star Stuff
- We all started with a big bang
- 186,000 miles per second — a speed limit that saves lives
- is for dog
- = mc squared, and
- the Penn band.
“Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”
(Band forms a star) BAND WARS Episode 60 9 lives of the Band
Decimated by recent uprisings and midterm break, our heroes, a small Band of rebels, have escaped to a desolate, barren, God-forsaken, worthless, polluted, infested, out-of-the-way planet called Philadelphia. They are without Leia, who has stayed behind to beat off the advancing storm troopers, and Hand Solo, who is already becoming blind from injuries received in the line of duty. Trapped in a Penn of deceit and treachery, our noble heroes must prepare to face their arch-enemy, Darth Censor, who, even as they play, is inching his way toward them on the battlestar SEPTA.
(Band forms a concert blob)
(In Darth Vader Voice)
“Band, you have gotten away with this week’s show, but I see the clean in you. You will turn to the good side and together we will rule the BIG TEN…It is your destiny.” (Band runs off field) “Go, Band. Flee from me. But I know that you will join me in the end.”
November 5, 1983
Come with us, as the Princeton University Band takes you on a journey to that mystical world of the Orient.
First of all, China is big. As a matter of fact, it is quite big. (Band asks, “How big is it?”) It is sooo big that when the Chinese sit down to eat, there are over a billion served. Living in such an ancient civilization has several pros and cons. For instance, the pros include such niceties as silk, ming vases, rickshaws, opium, and the great wall, SHOWN HERE. And here are the cons: Genghis KHAN, Khobilai KHAN, Wrath of KHAN, KHAN Edison, Chaka KHAN, James KHAN, ScantiKHAN, King KHAN, KHANdiments, and Stream of KHANsciousness. And remember: KHANfucious say: Why does a dog chew its bone? — Because it KHAN.
(Band forms the Great Wall)
Have you ever felt left out at a party when the discussion turns to the ever-popular subject of Taikwandoe? Avoid this embarrassment by subscribing to Martial Arts Digest,
Magazine of the Masters. Meet Quai Chang Caine, the priest who single-handedly defeated every evil, slave-mongering railroad boss in the old west…in slow motion. See our Sumo centerfold. And remember, Confucious say: “When Sumo wrestler sit around Pagoda, Sumo wrestler sit around
“Baby Elephant Walk”
(Band forms a pagoda)
Welcome to another episode of Samuri waiter. After you waiter Tojam is finished serving you your Bu Foo Pork, Fried Rice, and sub gum yuck, settle back with a cup of Cherry Blossom tea. Oh, may I read you fortune cookie? Hmmmmm…Confucious say: “Take out Chinese food…Please.”
(Band forms chopsticks)
But no discussion of the Orient, the world’s economy, or bad horror movies would be complete without mentioning Japanese exports. Whether it’s Kawasake or Mitzubishi, Subaru or Isuzu, autos drive the Japanese economy. When America’s yen for big cars hit the skids, Japanese business shifted into overdrive and began to crank out the cars. Why, Japanese businessmen have started referring the America as the land of the rising Datsun. Detroit’s motto became, “I used to have a V-8.” But do we worry? We’ve always got the musical majesty of the Princeton University Band.
(Band forms ‘V-8’ changing to ‘5-0’)
November 12, 1983
Come with us, as the Princeton University Band takes you in search of eternal bliss.
While gluttons find internal bliss in food, Princetonians external bliss in orange and black plaid jackets, and Rip Van Winkle nocturnal bliss in forty winks, many others have searched for eternal bliss in knowledge. Great thinkers, from the Greeks to the geeks and the ascetics to the assanines, have praised the joy of texts. We at Princeton have continued this rigid discipline. However, others who were unable to handle the stiff admissions competition to get into Princeton have developed an alternative creed: “Ignorance is bliss.” With this knowledge in mind, the Band would like to remind everyone that: Elis Lack Intelligence.
(Band forms ‘ELI’ with the ‘E’ backwards
Forsaking knowledge, the Band finds eternal bliss in humor. Take our one-liners…for example.
- A yalie walks into a bar and says, “I haven’t had a shot in weeks.” So I shot him.
- A yalie walks into a psychiatrist’s office. Psychiatrist says, “You’re crazy.” The guy asks for a second opinion; the doctor says, “You’re ugly, too.”
- And dumb. Boy, I’ll tell ya. yalie once won a gold medal — so he had it bronzed.
- Had to shoot a bulldog last week. Were he mad? I reckon he weren’t too pleased.
Great jokes, huh!?! Unfortunately, all we ever get is an eternal hiss.
So, to honor another abused American, the Band forms Rodney Dangerfield’s tie on the field and says, “We get no respect.”
“There’s no Business Like Show Business”
(Band forms Rodney’s tie with the top moving back & forth)
We realize that the quest for truly eternal bliss is a never ending Odyssey that will no doubt lead us into the farthest reaches of time and space.
“Theme from 2001”
(Band forms upside down Y, and flashers say:)
And now, the Princeton University Band, the paradigm of orchestral magnificence, provides the ultimate source of eternal bliss: the sonic glory of John Philip Sousa’s “Stars and Stripes Forever.”
“Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms four lines)
November 19, 1983
And now for the entertainment portion of our halftime: The Princeton University Band examines…power.
Of course, the biggest source of physical
power is petroleum…oil, that is. Black gold, Texas tea, Saudi soda, Kuwait koolaid. Gushing forth to grease the gears of America’s great industries, no one dreamed that those wondrous holes in the ground would ever dry up. Although OPEC imports have kept us in the black, we realize that this SHELL game cannot keep us MOBIL for ever. Energized for life, the die-hard ingenuity of the Princeton University Band is ever-ready to provide powerful alternatives. Forming the Duracell copper-topped Band on the field, we say, “No Band looks like us…or lasts like us.”
(Band forms the copper-topped battery, the top closes)
Shocked with the negative charge of energy vulnerability, American scientists are currently conducting a batter of experiments to short-circuit this revolting dependence. Today, solar power provides bright alternatives and nuclear fission breaks the petroleum bond which has the U.S. over a barrel. But these measures are merely Forrestalling the inevitable. Only fusion unites these atomized approaches. With this energy source in place, we will be able to hang a sign on our door which says, “Gone Fission.”
“Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms sign saying ‘GONE FISSION’)
America’s grain silos, even more than our missile silos, provide the fuel for America’s hungry economy. While some chicken out and consider agriculture’s power as poultry, other continue to break out of this hard-boiled shell, bearing the yoke of defending farming as eggs-citing. No over-easy task! Why, everyone knows that there’s no use crying over spilt mulch. Now that’s food for thought! For you visiting Big Red cud-chewers, we say, “You call this joke corny,
but we call it a-maize-ing.
(Band forms a fried egg)
And now, at the close of our 64th consecutive season supporting Tiger football, the Princeton Universtiy Band would like to salute the students, alumni, faculty, friends, fans, and especially the ushers of Section 3 who have supported the Band and Tiger football in this and every year. Please feel free to sing along as we perform “The Orange and the Black.”
“The Orange and the Black.”
(Band forms a script ‘P.U.B.’ and does a ripple bow at the end)