CORNELL September 22, 1984

(Announcer blows, taps on mike) Testing 1-2-3, testing…I have outlawed the Big Red menace. Bombing of Cornell will begin in five minutes. What? We’re on the air?….Ahem…excuse me… Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…the Empire State. “Princeton Forward” (Announcer uses commercial voice) This is Henry Schlock, president of H & R Schlock, with one of my 147 reasons why we should prepare your taxes. Reason number 70…We thoroughly prepare the taxes of the typical two-income family. Take two of our best customers, Geraldine Ferraro and her husband, John Zaccarro. Please. We managed to show Gerry how to check boxes without looking at what’s next to them. We can even show you how to get $50,000 to start your own political career. We know of so many loopholes you’ll never have to kiss your assets goodbye. Call us at our conveniently located offices in Bermuda, Zurich, and Libya. (Back to normal voice) This is the Princeton University Band forming a misplaced decimal point on the field and reminding you that with H & R Schlock, you can’t go on the Fritz. “There’s Nothing Like a Dame” (Band forms decimal point) And speaking of being on the Fritz, how ’bout those Mets? With Gooden’ plenty of pitching, including a Darling reject from New Haven, the magic was back until Strawberry and company were jammed by the boys of the Windy City. They have recently left the experts hanging by coming up inches short of the division title. Forming the miracle year of Met Magic on the field, the Band says “with names like Mookie, they can’t be that good.” “Mission Impossible.” (Band forms ’69) Another New Yorker in a difficult position these days is Vanessa Williams. Forming Bob Guccione’s telephoto lens, the Princeton Band takes an up close and personal look at this Empire State beauty. Although she said she didn’t know what she was doing, she’s feeling low these days due to the negative reaction to her over exposure. Zooming in on the action, the Band voices Vanessa’s lament: “I’m just a Girl Who Can’t Say No.” “I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No” (Band forms a lens which zooms longer) 

BUCKNELL September 29, 1984

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…New happenings at Princeton. “Princeton Forward” Construction is a big new thing at Princeton. Juniors are Curling up in the gutters of 1985 courtyard with no place to live while waiting months for six more feet of Frick Labs. The higher-ups at Nassau Hall even love the Band so much they spent 29 million dollars to improve our practice field by installing a new molecular biology building in the center of it so that six majors could have a place to culture new bacteria. The Band finally agrees with the Princeton alumni — the old days were better. “Wipe Out” (Band form house which collapses into a line) The Band would like to remind you to support Campus Fund Drive, a valiant crew who is busy raising a fortune this year to come to the aid of a group starving like none before them, to help in their fight for self-sufficiency and no more cold food, to boldly rescue the Forbes 500 from the desolate dungeon that remains…Princeton Inn College. “Star Trek” (Band forms ‘CFD’ which changes to ‘PIC’) Aren’t you hungry? Bet ya are. Have you been holding the pickles since last May, waiting for Burger King, that palace of greased pleasure, to hit the town of Princeton? Well wait no longer, the Home of the Whopper is here to satisfy your every craving. As the first junk food mecca to hit the streets of Princeton, Burger King will add pleasure and variety to your eating experience, so you can eat it in, you can take it out, you can add more mayo, you can cut the mustard, we’ll even hold the buns. Forming a Whopper on the field, the Band reminds you that at Burger King you can have it your way. “My Way” (Band forms a hamburger) This year another Princeton tradition has been dealt a great blow. To protect freshmen from injury while mounting Nassau Hall the administration, in a typical show of ingenuity, surreptitiously swiped the clapper. Fearing the frustrated freshmen would filch Princeton’s fabled and fabulous silver mace, the administration hid the clapper deep within the university woods. Nevertheless, a victorious group of freshmen snatched their long lost clapper from the grass. Tireless, they then beat the cannon 88 times. Forming a clapper on the field the Band invites the freshmen to hunt us. “Liberty Bell March” (Band forms clapper, possibly the most phallic formation we’ve done in years) 

BROWN October 6, 1984

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Princeton Culture. “Princeton Forward” Any salute to Princeton culture must start with a tribute to Princeton’s only architect, Robert Venturi. His “chair here, piano there” philosophy succeeded in miraculously revamping Upper Cloister into the Peter S. Firestone Common Room. Brilliant, Bob. And who can forget that bastion of misplaced brick, Wu Hall. Adorned with more circles, squares, and triangles than a Romper Room play house, the big Wu was so well designed the University has made plans for rennovations after only two years. Forming a T-square, the Band sends Bob back to the drawing board. “Flinstones” (Band forms T-square) But Princeton culture assumes many forms. Take the Putnam Collection. Please. No, really. From Song of the Vowels (better known as Aerial Rendezvous) to the new and improved Mound for Viewing Earth and Sky; from that classic Biblical representation, Abraham and Issac, to the You Know What it is But We Can’t Say It in front of the Equad, the campus is positively littered with these works of art. And now, forming our personal favorite, Big Green Doughnut With Teeth, the Band says, “Aren’t you glad we didn’t pay for this?” “I’ve Got Plenty o’ Nothing” (Band forms Oval with Points sculpture) When Princetonians want vocal culture, they listen to one of the campus’ famed singing groups. While the Tigertones and Tigerlillies paw at each other, the Nassoons rehearse in the dungeon of 1901 Hall in front of wildly cheering cockroaches, dogs in skivvies, and Katz-en-jammers. Students in search of aural pleasure carefully avoid the dangerous Footnotes, whose singing is known to cause fallen arches. Frankly, the Band loves the Off Beats off tempo music. Forming an Arch on the field, the Band takes out its Tigressions and plays Tiger Rag. “Tiger Rag” (Band forms gothic arch) No show on culture could be complete without that paradigm of cultural excellence, the Princeton Band. Our shows have been described as “rotten to the very core,” “containg enough phallic imagery for two Henry Miller novels,” and “suitable for the graffitti that adorns our public toilets.” But our most vocal critic in recent times has been Peter Malcolm ’43 who affectionately wrote us “…hope you dry up and blow away. Hatefully Yours, Peter Malcolm.” And they call us immature!! But Jack Brown ’35 was the one who discovered our true cultural attraction when he wrote “The band reflects the attitude of the student body and does not, as I had hoped, perform its tasteless show unsupported by the Undergraduates.” In its 65th year of high-stepping sonic glory the Band salutes its fans. “Stripper” (Band forms “PUB,” all members drop their pants to reveal orange boxer shorts and hop off the field at the end with pants still down) 

COLUMBIA October 13, 1984

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…women. “Princeton Forward” What salute to women would be complete without a tribute to the Statue of Liberty? Echoing the inscription that has come to symbolize American hospitality…Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Give me your wallets, your watches, your jewelry, and while you’re at it, give me your clothing, your life savings, and your first born. By the way, welcome to New York. “New York, New York” (Band forms an apple) [The following joke was written, but not performed since the combined Princeton/Columbia show did not have sufficient time for it.] (In Joan Rivers voice) Can we talk? What’s the difference between Dolly Parton and me? Oh, grow out, I mean grow up! Speaking of sleeping beauties, Princess Di moaned “Where’s the beefeater” in her sleep and awakened poor Charley. Oh…what of that classic beefeater, Liz Taylor, whose special order at her favorite restaurant is a cow with a fork! She puts mayonnaise on aspirin!! A cop stopped her on the street yesterday and said she needed license plates! Oh — you don’t know — she told me she was donating her wardrobe to the Statue of Liberty. Oh — they had to take it in!! Oh — look, the Band’s forming my profile on the field. “I Hear You Knocking, but You Can’t Come In” (Band forms vertical line) And why is Michael Jackson such a flaming superstar? It’s as easy as 1-2-3 — his secret: A voice that’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Michael’s been the torch bearer for a new anti-drug campaign. Their motto: No Coke; Pepsi. Although the Band prefers Coke, if you can’t join ’em, Beat It. “Virgin de la Macarena” (Band forms Michael Jackson’s glove) 

HAHVAHD October 27, 1984

All characters in this show are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to Mondale or Reagan, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Narrator: One quiet afternoon in Gotham City…What’s this?! The Princeton Band? Here…for a campaign parade? Look! It’s the Penguin and Riddler! Quick! Somebody call Commissioner Gordon!! “Princeton Forward” (Band marches out carrying signs, banners, etc.)
At Penguin campaign headquarters:
Waa! Waa! The deficit! The deficit!
Little does Gotham City know that with his five year, 330 million dollar Campaign for Penguin that diabolical demcratic dodobird threatens to fill the moneybags under his eyes with new tax money, leaving the people of Gotham well…spent.
“Batman Theme” (Band forms bat symbol)
Meanwhile, at the Riddler’s ranch:
Riddle me this, Batman, are you better off than you were four years ago? What do you mean ketchup isn’t a vegetable? There you go again!!
Meanwhile, back in the Bat Cave:
Holy lesser of two evils, Batman, Penguin’s got his plan and Riddler’s got his record, but Bonzo would still be a better candidate!
Can the Caped Constituents correct these criminal campaigns? Stay tuned…same Bat band, same bat belfry, same bat channel.
“Also Sprach Zarathustra” (Flasher routine) GO PRINCETON NO BAT CRIMES BEAT CRIMSON 
It’s election day here in sunny Gotham City. What’s this? Riddler trying to fix the election? And Penguin stuffing the box too? Look, here come the Caped Crusaders to the rescue!
Holy villainous voters, Batman, let’s get ’em!!
“Washington Post” (Band forms rectangle; Batman, Robin, Riddler, and Penguin, fight in the center while trash members hold up signs at each hit saying “BOFF,” “KAPOW,” and “THRUST”) 
I hope you’ve learned, Boy Wonder, that both these candidates are really Jokers.

PENN November 3, 1984

In an attempt to supplement the sorry state of schooling of those at the University of Pennsylvania, the Princeton University Band goes on a long trip to the days of our innocence and takes a long, hard look at…educational TV. “Princeton Forward” No student’s education would be complete without the fantasies of Walt Disney. Though Walt’s been freeze-dried into a state of suspended animation, his celluloid survives him. Everyone remembers Quaking in their boots when Snow White swallowed the poison apple. And who could forget meeting “Lady and the Tramp” and catching the “Love Bug.” Forming Pinocchio’s nose on the field, the Band tells a lie. Oh no!! We’re running too long — we’re out of time! We’ll have to turn into a pumpkin. “Mickey Mouse Theme” (Band forms circle which elongates into a phallic-like object, and then changes into a pumpkin.) Though the show is geared to a higher educational level, some of the more advanced members of Penn might have taken that memorable stroll down Sesame Street. Since New York property rates have skyrockted, Sesame Street has taken a turn for the worse, descending into Philadelphia. Oscar, evicted from his trash can, has become a vent-man in South Philly. Ernie’s rubber ducky has taken to attacking him in the bath tub. Even Mr. Hooper, the new Dean of the Wharton School, can’t stop the rampant alcoholism. Now, Cookie Monster is tossing his cookies rather than eating them. But some things never change. Forming a test of your Sesame Street education, the Band says “One of these things is not like the other” and asks: “Do you see what I see?” “I Saw Her Standing There” (Band forms two circles and a triangle, just by chance resembling the female anatomy.) And now, Children’s Television Workshop and the American State Department have sponsored this public service announcement about National Safety Week. Reminding you that 186,000 miles per second is a speed limit we can live with, the Band forms:
The number of safe American Embassies
The number of students that didn’t get into Penn, the safety school
The number of whales actually saved by campaigns
The number of soaps in the house smaller than Safeguard
The number of people who can safely drive the Schuylkill Expressway, and
The Penn Band
“Little Brown Jug” (Band forms a zero) (Mr. Rogers voice) Hello, boys and girls. Today is a very special day. We are going to the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Can you say “urban blight?” Sure. I knew you could. Just a minute now while I come out of my closet and we’ll catch the neighborhood SEPTA trolley to that Land of Make-believe. (Trolley bell rings) Oh, here’s Mr. McPhealey eating a cheese steak. Do you have a speedy delivery for us? No? But isn’t it a beautiful day in the neighborhood? Oh no, I forgot, we’re in Philadelphia. But here’s a real fairy tale: You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania. “Gospel John” (For no particular reason, the Band forms a blob) 

YALE November 10, 1984

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Cockroaches. “Princeton Forward” Cockroaches getting you down? Well, The New York Times reports that a Yale professor has recently developed an earth-shattering breakthrough in entomological passion. Dr. Stuart Schreiber has invented a new synthetic cockroach aphrodisiac which purportedly sends male cockroaches into a frantic phase of “heated sexual frenzies” often lasting over twenty minutes and followed by a fifteen minute “cooling off period.” This is all true, folks. According to Schreiber, the male roaches experience “severe sexual fatigue” and damage to various vital body parts. For years, scientists have been searching for this elusive substance which will no doubt give a whole new meaning to checking in to the roach motel. One Dutch professor raised and dissected 75,000 virgin female cockroaches. But Schreiber, instead of just searching on the Yale campus, put out his feelers into the commercial market and managed to find some young virgins to sacrifice for only a dollar a piece. And you wonder why tuition is going up. Forming a one of those 75,000 cockroaches on the field, the Band plays “Get it On.” “Get It On” (Band forms a cockroach) You wake up one morning — something’s not quite right. You want to take out the garbage — for dinner. Suddenly Kafka becomes your favorite author. You feel strangely different — you feel like crawling around in the pantry. Your legs have fallen asleep — all six of them. The idea of buying a virgin female cockroach for a dollar doesn’t seem quite so stupid anymore. Forming Gregor Samsa on the field, the Band reminds you: Metamorphosis. You never think it’ll happen to you. “I Feel Pretty” (Band forms the same cockroach) Come with us, as the Band further researches cockroach control…If cockroaches bug you, it’s a Forgon conclusion that you should raise the Black Flag and stage a Raid on their cracks and crevices. In the future, one can use a computer to debug one’s home, Orkin simply seduce roaches away with a No-Pest Strip-tease. And if you still can’t get Rid-a-bugs, sell them to Dr. Schreiber for a dollar a pop. Forming their national emblem, the Band responds to the traditional cries of cockroaches across the country: “Don’t Tread on Me.” “National Emblem March” (Band forms the same cockroach again, then does “dead bug” on the field) (Band yells “RAID” and scurries off the field.) 

DARTMOUTH November 17, 1984

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at…Farewells. “Princeton Forward” F. Scott might have called it This Side of Paradise Lost if he knew four years ago of all that was here today, gone tomorrow. We’d like to take a walk down memory lane with you now to recall these things which we’ve all lost in the last four years: PIC and New New Quad, the Biochemistry department (causing the loss of the Band field), lots of courtyards, Madison Society and Commons (we don’t really mind that one), Firestone access and thousands of socks to the laundry. Have you lost your patience with us yet? But wait, there’s so much more that’s disappeared…Gone is alcohol — and the Pub, Andy Brown ’69 and Patty Hearse ’69. Even Dartmouth has lost its sheep and doesn’t know where to find them. We’ve lost good upperclass room draw, Project ’85, and great P-parties. And of course, the Band lost its pants. Forming a telescope on the field, the Band searches for what we haven’t lost. “Another One Bites the Dust” (Band forms a hugely phallic telescope) And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Band pauses to say goodbye to our beloved administration. Out with J. Anderson “Bad Bad Leroy” Brown and in with Eugene “I know my pipe’s cool, do your ears hang” Lowe. Bye-bye to Eva “You and me against the registrar” Gossman and Richard “What do you mean the Dean’s date was last month” Williams. So long to Frederick “join us after the service for sticky buns” Borsch and Don “Borrowing from the University is always” Betterton. But seriously, folks, we bid farewell to William G. and his Band of Reknown, who’s crowning achievement was letting us into Princeton. “Maleguena” (Band forms Eugene Lowe’s pipe) And now, for no particular reason, the Band looks at power tools. Whether it’s a #9 rotary drill or a circular saw, the working man is always using his Sears tools craftily. For that great GM feeling, Mr. Goodwrench and his power tools are always on the job. Power tools are also great stocking stuffers. During the holiday season you can electrically carve your turkey or Black and Decker-ate your tree. And speaking of food…Colonel Sanders and electric grinders with lettuce and tomato are always a well-deserved break. Fortunately, power tool break-down is never a big problem — spare parts can always be bought from Tom “we want to help you do things” Wright. “If I Had a Hammer” (Band forms a screwdriver) Turn out the lights, the party’s over. It’s the Band’s Last Picture Show, time to make a Farewell to Arms. And legs. And phallic formations, Curl puns, Batmen, and even cockroach jokes. On the whole we’d rather NOT be in New Jersey, and though Princeton’s partying is such sweet sorrow, we must wish all of our audience “Happy Tails to You.” We’d like to send regards to Reagan, say farewell to Fritz, bye-bye Bilbo, and so long to all our loyal supporters. Though we’ll soon be Gone with the Wind, we’d like you to know that when it comes to Music, Marching, Mirth, Creative Thinking and Originality, frankly, my dears, we DO give a damn. “Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms the Princeton shield, with fire extinguishers going off at the top of each point) Thththththat’s all, folks!!!!!!