DARTMOUTH September 21, 1985

Ladies and gentlemen, in memoriam of our visit to Dartmouth, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the wonderful state of New…Jersey.

“Princeton Forward” The Princeton Band just drove in from New Jersey, and boy are our lungs tired. New Jersey is a solid waste storehouse, a slagpit seeping with sewage-saturated cities of sordid stenches and silly pseudonyms. Take Mawah. Please. No, really. While you’re at it, take Trenton, Secaucus, Rahway, Elizabeth, Metro Park, Metuchen, Paramus, Passaic, Hopat Cong, and don’t forget Ho-Ho-Kus. We don’t mean to imply that everything in New Jersey is contaminated, but the state tree of New Jersey is dead, and even our jackets glow. Speaking of garbage, what’s the difference between a New Jersey girl and garbage? The girl gets taken out once a week. Forming a barrel of biohazardous chemical waste on the field, the Band plays, “Take Me Out to the Slagpit.”

“Take Me Out to the Ballgame” (Band forms the radioactive warning sign) Elsewhere in the Baaadlands….New Jersey’s anti-perspirant poster child, Bruce Springsteen, defies the old adage about singing with food in your mouth. The Boss “Prooved it All Night” in “Candy’s Room,” but his “Hungry Heart” was “Born to Run.” Bruce sung “I’m Going Down (South)” in my “Pink Cadillac.” Driving west on “E Street” in Asbury Park, he put his “Jersey Girl” on a “Downbound Train” and married Julianne “I’m on Fire” Phillips. Forming a sweaty headband on the field, the Band dreads the coming of little Springsteens who will surely be “Born in the USA.”

“Born in the USA” (Band forms circle, puts on headbands, and takes off jackets to reveal rolled-up sleeves) But seriously folks, we may be from a bastion of biohazardous quagmiredom, but New Jersey is the Garden State. With such sterling facets as the Jersey shore, Atlantic City, People Express, and the scenic New Jersey Turnpike, with such quaint resorts as the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop. And what about sports? New Jersey is blessed with the presence of: Doug Flutie, Doug Butler, Hershel Walker, the New York Giants, the New York Jets, the New York Nets, and now, the Statue of Liberty, and our new and improved state song.

“New York, New York” (Band forms N.J. which changes to N.Y. with trash kickline in front) But the best part of New Jersey is — leaving. And to the Dartmouth College Class of 1989 we say, “Aren’t you glad we came?” But now we’re “Born to Run.”


LEHIGH September 28, 1985

(The Band marches out in a precision manner to a fancy cadence. Marching down the fifty yard line in two lines, the Band branches off and forms a block formation in the center of the field. Band marks time until formation is complete. Drum Major high-steps through the center of the formation to the front of the field, and salutes the home crowd.)

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the New Princeton University Precision Marching Band, World Renowned for its High Stepping Sonic Glory. (pause) Unfortunately, due to construction delays imposed by the State Planning Board, the precision portion of our show has been delayed indefinitely. (Drum Major falls down)

(Band marches in random directions playing “Princeton Forward”) The Princeton Band would like to welcome the Class of 1989. Arriving on campus, freshmen found that many traditions had been abandoned. The writing sample was scratched from the Freshman Week schedule, and cleverly concealed proctors were posted to prevent pilfering of Princeton’s precious prize, The Clapper. Although unable to mount Nassau Hall and snatch the Clapper, the Freshmen were able to snatch their mummies’ credit cards, thus enriching their education while impoverishing their parents. By graduation, these students will no longer be “Like a Virgin” in the “Material World.”

“Material Girl” (Band forms ’89 then changes to $$) While the Freshmen are busy climbing the social ladder, other things are also rising on campus. Feinberg Hall, towering over the campus, will satisfy the needs for entering freshmen for years to come. When finally completed, these hi-rise freshmen will be able to savor the unique spectacle of the new Molecular Biology Building, Princeton’s first building designed with MacPaint. Commonly mistaken for an argyle sock, Mr. Venturi’s latest erector set nightmare surpasses all his previous handiwork. Inspired by a bowl of Wheat Chex, this landlocked steamship is lavishly equipped with bay doors, conveniently located on the third floor. While the MacBio Building nears completion, anticipation mounts among frustrated residents of yet another building. The Edwards 74 are anxiously awaiting the day when they can finally come out of the closet, the kitchen, and their friend’s living room. When will Edwards construction finally be complete? The Band has a good idea.

“Deck The Halls” (Band forms a Christmas Tree, complete with trimmings, lights, and star) Speaking of frustrating delays, take the American Judicial System. Please. No, really. Sixteen years after women were allowed to enter Princeton, the three male eating clubs are finally being challenged. Frankly, we think it’s about time. But until the recent court ruling is enforced, the Band must resort to guerilla tactics. Anticipating a close shave in court, the Band sallies forth and attempts to join an all-male club.

“Gillette Look Sharp Theme” (Band forms a moustache) But the real question on the minds of Princetonians young and old is, “Can the 1985 Tigers get the job done?” The Princeton Band says “Yes.” And with their talent, drive and spirit, the Tigers are surely on the road to #1.

“Cannon Song” (Band forms #1)


BROWN October 5, 1985

To Whom It May Concern:

We, the undersigned, cannot condone the cruel and callous condemnation and confiscation of kegs on this colorful college campus. Cordially, The Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Forward” When in the Coors of human events, the administration feels that it’s Schaefer to Foster a sober Budweiser student body, kegs become a thing of the Pabst. The administration and students are at lagerheads, because each student knows that his Heineken Naragansett and enjoy a cold one around the quad. The administration thought that they problem in the Bud, but students are still Millering around in search of that elusive golden brew. The Band asks the musical question, What’s Lowenbraun? Kegs, shown here. And you can’t have them. Tough Schlitz.

“Beer Barrel Polka” (Band forms keg) While other campuses are rolling out the kegs, students at Brown must find something else to roll. Although some may want to get out of this joint, not all are upset with this tragic turn of events. One campus group that is particularly happy is SADD. Forming:

Students Against Drunk Drivers
Students Against Dry Dorms
Stop Admitting Democrat’s Daughters
Send Dollars Against Dyslexia
the Brown Band

we say, don’t despair! In four short years, when it’s time to relax, if you’ve got the diploma, we’ve got the beer.

“Welcome to Miller Time” (Band forms ‘SADD’) Doesn’t the thought of four sober years just make you want to die? But wait! Don’t take that cyanide pill! There are so many other ways to escape the grim reality of Brown. Try hanging out with high school students — they always have beer! Drink methanol and get blind drunk. Get a lobotomy and try taking your courses graded, for once. Or, if you can brave the long lines, go to the corner drug store and pick up the Real Thing.

“I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” (Band forms blob, is cut into four lines) But for a truly harrowing example of sobriety at its worst, take the Brown Band. Please.


COLUMBIA October 12, 1985

The Princeton University Band welcomes Freshmen Parents, and congratulates the Class of 1989 on being admitted. Just how did they get in? We’d like to know. Let’s take an up-close and personal look at college admissions.

“Princeton Forward” So ya wanna get into Princeton. Your GPA is good — you’ve kept it up for four years. But let’s see how well you score on your S.A.T. Forming an oval on the field, the Band invites you to darken us in with your #2 pencil.

(Narrative over music)

Question #1: If Gordon buys a dining hall for $9 million, and Malcolm buys a Residential College for $3 million, how much would you pay to have the Molecular Biology building named after you? Please show all work.

Question #2: Columbia is to victory as

17 is to 49
Garrett is to tact
Lions is to Tigers
Bears, oh my!

“Theme From Jeopardy” (Band forms Oval)

Stop. (“Jeopardy” music stops) Put your instruments down. (Band members do so.) Close your booklets. You will now have a short break before your next formation.

No application would be complete without the alumni interview. Does this ring a bell?…

(a la Monty Python)

Next. What is your name? Alfred E. Quagmire. What is your quest? Higher education and intellectual stimulation. What is your favorite color? Orange. No — black! Aghhhh!

However, there’s no reason to see the interview as Risky Business. In fact, it can be a learning experience for both parties involved. For the more experienced and well rounded students, the private administrative interview is in order. Applauding these more personally revealing sessions, the Band forms a magnifying glass and invites you to “Hey, Look Us Over.”

“Hey Look Me Over” (Band forms magnifying glass) You remember, don’t you? It was April 16th, 4:15 p.m. You’d just gotten back from the big yearbook meeting, and mummy was fixing you an after-school snack of Campbell’s tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. When there it was. (Band plays first bar of Beethoven’s Fifth.) That big, fat letter from Princeton. Not everyone got a fat one, though. There were lots of people who had to read skinny little letters that began: “Dear Theodore: Every year Princeton University receives thousands of applications from highly qualified students…” The Band would like to take a moment to acknowledge our sympathies for all those applicants who couldn’t meet the stiff entrance requirements: Madonna, Francis the Talking Mule, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Mr. Clean, GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip, and the Columbia Band. We commiserate with those who had to settle for Columbia. Sorry — we hear you knocking, but you can’t come in.

“I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In” (after the Columbia Band has just played it 5 times) (Band forms ‘NO’) Of course it was hard to get in, but now you’ve got to pay to stay in. How can you beat the rising cost of a college education without being caught in the vice-like grip of financial insecurity? If you want to avoid the financial aid office, you could liquidate your assets or even drain your savings; but be careful, there are substantial penalties for early withdrawal. Forming the shrinking dollar of student loans, the Band offers this advice — still don’t think you’ll be able to pay? Don’t worry. If all else fails… Punt. Oh, no, Columbia! You can’t even do that.

“Mission Impossible” (Band forms a dollar bill which shrinks)


COLGATE October 19,1985

I’m Harry Reasoner. I’m Morely Safer. And I’m Andy Rooney. These stories and more on 8 1/2 Minutes. Brought to you by the Colgate Band. Today, the part of the Colgate Band will be played by The Princeton University Band.

(Band is dressed as tubes of toothpaste, wearing white garbage bags and styrofoam cups on head.)

“Colgate Fight Song” (in Andy Rooney voice) Don’t you just hate going to the dentist? First they make you sit in the waiting room and listen to bad Hawaiian elevator music, while you read five year old issues of Highlights Magazine. And what about those fishtanks? You know, the ones built into the walls. How do they feed those fish, anyway? How clean are their teeth? What happens when they die? When they finally bring you into the office, you have to sit on this stupid chair. They put this lead apron on you — what do you use a lead apron for? Baking cookies in a microwave? Then they say they’re gonna take some x-rays, and then they leave the room. What about your arms? Don’t they absorb radiation? Of course, there is one good thing about going to the dentist — don’t you just love when he gives you the gas?

Playing Classical Gas, the Colgate Band demonstrates the correct way to floss.

“Classical Gas” (Band forms teeth and gets flossed)

While the Colgate Band sleeps, a pasty film covers their mouths. They wake with the worst breath of the day. “Morning.” (Band falls down.) For those foul-mouthed Colgate Band members, four out of five Colgate alumni recommend that they wash their mouths out with soap. But they say:

(To the tune of “Supercalifrigilisticexpialidocious”)

When we get that morning breath or chronic halitosis Even though the smell of it is really quite atrocious We’ve tried Scope and Listerine and even tried Lavoris But no matter what we do alumni still abhor us.

But on a serious note, (Band plays a note) the Colgate Band has found that the cause of most oral odor is too many feet in one mouth, and offers a surefire deodorizing solution.

“Colonel Bogie” (Band forms a smiley face) “Oh no! It’s the Cavity Creeps!” (Smiley face turns to Mr. Bill face.)

The citizens of Toothopolis have not been brushing properly. They’re leaving their mouths vulnerable to attack. Good thing they have Colgate with MFP. The Colgate Band would now like to demonstrate proper brushing technique, and reminds you that, if you don’t clean your teeth after you eat, they may all come tumbling down.

“Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho” (Band forms a brush and moves back and forth)

The Encounter
I was suffering from simple chronic halitosis. Heading to the Reserve Room for a long, hard night of studying, I popped a Certs in my mouth. Good thing.
I was heading back from the Student Center. I had just smoked eight packs of clove cigarettes and figured I needed a Certs. Good thing.
Oh! Excuse me! I didn’t mean to knock your books all over Firestone Plaza.
Hey, you got your Molecular Biology in my Fluid Mechanics!
Well, you got your Parables and Miracles in my Economic Policy!
Luckily these kids had just taken their Certs, the breath freshener with two, two, two tastes in one: tastes great and less filling.
Gee, your breath smells great!
Thanks. Hey — you wanna invite me over to your place for a beer?
Sure! If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the beer.