September 19, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen of Yale, the following halftime show is brought to you by Delta Airlines — “We get you there…”
The Band arrived in Hanover late last night, looking for a good time. What a nightmare! Crossing the Green, we were confronted by leather-clad Dartmouth security bullies brandishing Breathalyzers. “We’re clean,” we cried, but were busted for “possession by consumption.” As the Band stood shackled to a tree, we witnessed a new era in Dartmouth social life: kegs confiscated, Freshmen frisked for flasks, fraternities placed on double-secret probation. Could it be? Is Hangover New Hampshire now Teetotalersville? Is the body an open container? Can you be prosecuted for a hangover? Will search warrants be issued for your small intestine? Where will it stop? If beer in the stomach is “possession by consumption,” will eating Devil Dogs lead to “demonic possession by consumption?” Forming a stomach pump on the field, the Band suggests the next illogical step: Repossession by Consumption.
(Band forms stomach pump)
Thirsty and frustrated? Tired of watching Hanover High School students drink beer while you can’t? Fear not! As the USS “Kegs ‘R Us” steams through the Straits of Hanover, we are ever-mindful of our holy mission to guide that precious beverage to your lips. The Princeton University Band, those ambassadors of musical diplomacy, follows the example of the US Navy and reflags and escorts all boats ‘o brew to Dartmouth Green.
Oh no, Band! You’ve hit a minor! Don’t serve her; you’ll be put on probation!
(Band forms Straits of Hanover, ship is reflagged, goes through,hits a minor)
But even the generosity of your Princeton friends will not last forever. Dartmouth students must learn to be self-sufficient and creative in their pursuit of happiness.
Dartmouth 1992: the new campus sensation: Straight Robitussin with a Body on Tap shampoo chaser. College authorities have no leads in the mysterious disappearance of four cases of cooking sherry from the Home EC department. In response to the growing concern, the Dartmouth administration delivers a safe drinking kit to students, containing:
- Moussy beer substitute, for the way Dartmouth drinks — and perms its sheep.
- a pack of individually-wrapped swizzle sticks — sanitized for your protection.
- a balloon-full of clean mountain air — for those emergency Breathalyzer tests.
- a limited edition Surgeon General C. Everett Koop nudie glass, shown here.
Offering a toast to Dartmouth’s uncertain future, the Band plays “This Bud’s for You.”
(Band forms C. Everett Koop nudie glass, level goes down)
October 3, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen, in the200th birthday year of the Constitution, the Princeton University Band takes a up close and personal look at American History.
The Band has always thought that the Grateful Dead have been years behind the times. Come with us as the Band places the Dead in their proper era. Philadelphia, 1787: Thousands of delegates driving day-glow Conestoga wagons converge on Independence Hall. Excitingly tossing red, white and blue beachballs, the Fed-heds await opening night of the “Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness” Tour. The curtains part; the candelabras dim. Benny Garcia, his black t-shirt hanging out of his tie-dyed breeches, steps to the podium and mumbles the words that will go down in history as the cornerstone of THE AMERICAN SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT: “We, the dudes and babes of the Altered States of America, in order to form like a total cosmic reality, man, and a laid-back union, do hereby lay down the following groove…”
Forming seven fat, sweaty forty-year-old men in the dark, the Band plays, like a patriotic tune.
(Band forms square with seven people inside)
The Magna Carta is the oldest constitution known to man. But you still can’t cook on it. Ye Olde Ronco proudly presents the self-checking, self-balancing, self-evident, just add voters, so simple even an idiot could run it, instant Constitution. It slices, it dices, it protects your inalienable rights. How much would YOU pay? But wait, there’s so much more. If you order before the Articles of Confederation expire, you’ll also receive this handsome set of ten additional rights not available in any monarchy. If you’re not completely satisfied, return it for a full Restoration, but keep the ten amendments as our gift to you. Ratifiers not included, void where parliamented. Forming George Washington’s Ginsu Knife on the field, the Band plays “Mack the Knife.”
“Mack the Knife”
(Band forms a knife)
It’s the new fall season on television, and Sherwood Schwartz, producer of those fine documentaries “Gilligan’s Island” and “Love Boat,” presents the Founding Fathers as “The Brady Bunch.”
(sung by announcer “yes I really mean sung…” to “Brady Bunch Theme”)
Here’s the story,
of a Mother Country
Who was busy with an empire of her own;
It was far-flung, with thirteen colonies,
The youngest one in curls.
Here’s the story, of a man named George,
Who was bringing up an army of his own;
They were ten thousand men, huddled close together
Yes they were very cold.
Then one day the British raised the taxes
And the colonists knew this really wouldn’t do;
So they broke off international relations
And they said (sigh) “Fine.”
This fall on Fox Network, re-live the exciting birth of a nation. Arnold Schwartzenegger is…THE RATIFIER. Starring Erik Estrada as Thomas Jefferson Oprah Winfrey as Betsy Ross and Benedict Arnold as “the Treasonable Guy.” Thursdays after “Which One’s My Father?” on Fox.
(Band forms ‘T.V.’)
And remember — Just Say No — to snuff.
October 10, 1987
Now that that’s over with, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at today’s burning issue: the new fire regulations.
“Princeton Forward”A reading from the Book of Residential Living, chapter thirty, verse five:
And in the ninth month of the fifth year of Lowe, Princeton Charlie didst decorate his room in a sinful manner. It came to pass that he didst awake to the smell of evil smoke. Lo and behold, he beheld a blaze enveloping his chamber. His sofa was in cinders, his hot pot aglow. He ran for the door, but his Jim and Tammy Bakker poster seemed only to mock him as it ignited. He realized he was a cinder in the eyes of the Dean — 11% of his walls were covered. As he succumbed to the flame of the beast, he did hear angelic choirs and did see a heavenly light illuminating the letter ‘e’ for egress above his window. He was saved from eternal room inspections. He escaped out the window and ascended into heaven.
(Band forms lower-case ‘e’)
The Band just met Mr. Fire Inspector, and boy are we confused. Is a lightbulb a heat-producing appliance? When hanging a poster on cinder-block walls, do railroad spikes count as small tacks or nails? Can you place a rug on your floor or would that prevent it from being clearly recognizable as a floor? Always willing to lend a helping hand, the Band reminds you to hang your memo board to the right of the door, so that in the event of a fire, it is clearly recognizable — as a memo board. The Band hopes your next words won’t be “I Hear You Knocking, But I Can’t Get Out.”
“I Hear You Knocking”
(Note: Columbia played this 5 times, in 9+ minute show)
(Band forms door, memo board moves around during song)
The Band feels that the University could be made safer still. Having fire inspectors remove “Sphero” from Butler College because it was attached with adhesive was a good idea. We have some more suggestions. Sure the administration has outlawed Fun-Tak, but they’ve overlooked other dangerous adhesives: DFS mashed potatoes, pads of butter, static electricity, and the stuff on the floor of Dial Lodge. Other areas cry out for improvement: take the dress code. The Band feels that clothing should cover no more than ten percent of the student body; while we’re at it, construction should cover no more than 10% of the campus, Robert Venturi should design no more than 10% of Princeton buildings, no student should take ceramics courses for more than 10% of her curriculum, and no team should have more than 10% of its members named Garrett.
Forming the number of new regulations in the housing booklet, or Northwestern’s favorite number, tha Band salutes football…Columbia Style.
(Band forms ’35’)
October 17, 1987
Princeton University Band, this is your life!
Dateline: sixty-eight years ago, Arthur Osborne became the proud father of a six-pound nine-ounce bouncing baby Band. The next year, contraception was legalized in New Jersey. Looking oh-so-cute in our orange and black plaid diapers (drum major displays same), we began crawling at an early age. (Band drops and crawls. Drums complain.) A short while later, we uttered our first word: “Scwamble!” Our childhood joys included digging in the sandbox in front of Firestone Library, splashing in the Wilson School wading pool, and playing with large fuzzy things — kind of like Lehigh’s hats. Soon however we had forsaken childish playthings for a friend we cherish to this day — the bottle.
(Band forms baby bottle)
But our good looks and charm won’t get us everywhere, for a band without an education is like…well, Lehigh. So the Band went off to school. We were good at nursery school. Nap time, Band! (Band lies down.) We never got A’s in discipline, however. (Tuba section begins fighting.) Bad Band! Go stand in the corner! (Naughty tubas sulk over to corner.) But we loved the playground. Let’s play Simon Says. Simon says scramble, Band! (Band scrambles) Stop scrambling, Band! (Band stops) Oh, no, Band. I didn’t say Simon says. You’re out. (Band pouts and sulks into next formation.)
High school was tougher. We learned to march in gym class. We failed gym class. We made our jackets in home economics. We failed home economics. But our teachers liked us. We got extra credit for clapping erasers, shown here.
(Band forms erasers, claps them together, puffs from extinguishers)
And so the Band went on to graduate from Princeton, cum laude. Taking stock of its options, the Band applied for positions we felt especially qualified for: beer taster in Milwaulkee, fashion consultant for K-Mart. Some of us even auditioned for the New York Philharmonic, but were told Mozart never wrote anything for the inflatable kiddie pool. Of course, we could have become full professors at Lehigh, but we preferred to keep a shred of our dignity. Things looked pretty bleak. Having run out of alternatives, the Band turns to the oldest profession — farming. Forming a hoe on the field, the Band plows through “The Horse.”
(Band forms hoe)
October 24, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen, got a quarter? The Princeton University Band takes a look at where you give your money.
Paying for a political campaign can be a headache. While some candidates are simply Biden their time until Dukakis’s in Iowa, other have been Gore-ing their competitors during speeches at $500-a-plate dinners or Dole-ing out videotapes to The New York Times
. The pace of campaign fundraising can make one look un-Kemp-t, while weak Harts can become Bushed. Dupont is, anyone can become President if they have the moola — even the Princeton Band! Look at our credentials: we’re the media’s darlings, and we have high principles and no convictions. Throwing our hats into the ring, the Band strikes up the Democratic Party campaign theme.
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms ring, throws in hats)
Band, have you sinned today? Was the Beastmaster in your closet when you dressed this morning? Have you thought evil thoughts? Done evil deeds? Drunk evil drinks? What the hell kind of name is Oral, anyhow? Repent, Band, repent! Step up to the altar, credit card in hand, and lighten your heart and wallet. We do not discriminate against cash, check or money order, and He has installed a Bay Bank Express 24 direct to heaven. But remember, the Church does not take IOU’s, and it doesn’t take American Express. Praise now, our ushers are standing by.
- Praise the Lord
- Pass the Loot
- Penguins that Limp, or
- Polygamy, Theology and Licentiousness,
the Band plays “When the Cash Comes Rollin’ In.” “Saints”
(Band forms ‘P T L’)
Welcome back to the Princeton University Band-Aid Telethon. We need your money. God has told us that we cannot leave the field until we have raised $100 million…We’ll wait…Call now at 555-BAND. (Flashcards spell out phone number.) That number again, 555-BAND. Let’s hear those phones start ringing. (Glocks simulate phone rings.) And with a pledge of one dollar or more, you’ll receive a complimentary tax-deductible trombone player. Now here’s the lineup of today’s otherwise unemployed telethon talent: Charo, Engelbert Humperdinck, Bill Buckner, the Hahvahd Band, Fred Grandy, Oliver North’s lawyer, and the cast of ZOOM, Box 350, Boston Mass 02134. And here’s Old Blue Eyes Himself, with a song he’s sung far too many times.
“New York, New York”
(at pause in music: “That number again,” flashcards change to BEAT YALE)
For proof that charity should begin at home, here’s the uncharitable Hahvahd Band.
October 31, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to Franklin Field, where it’s Christmas in October and snow is everywhere…
(Band, dressed in white bags, “ghosts or snow, whichever” marches out)
Twas the month before Christmas, and all through Philly,
both Rizzo and Goode were feeling quite silly;
Their supporters were covered with the mud they’d been slinging
and they’d all gone deaf from the songs they’d been singing:
“Wilson B. Goode” and “Rizzo Uber Alles,”
were the tunes the campaigners cried out full of malice.
Then what to the weary electorate should appear,
But an orange and black band, a tiger, some beer.
With a message of hope, of music, of mirth,
“Get out of Philadelphia, there’s nicer places on earth!”
Forming the political middle of the road, the Band reminds you that voting and driving don’t mix.
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms dotted line)
Like elections, the Olympics come but once in four years. America’s young atheletes are tingling with anticipation, but since the US government provides no funding, they must take the job of soliciting funds into their own hands. The US Olympic Committee has hired Don King, boxing promoter extraordinhairy, to head the “Victory Seoul” tour, featuring Michael Jackson as the Olympic Flame. In related news, Jackson has offered $15 million for Jesse Owens’ skeleton, only to be outbid by Lisa Lisa. Jim and Tammy Bakker have donated the proceeds from the sale of the doghouse, while John DeLorean pledged $500,000 dollars the the Winter Olympics, only to withdraw his offer when he realized he’d misunderstood that while the atheletes skiied on snow, they skiied on top of the snow. Even the Band, always athletic supporters, gets into the act. Forming our favorite events — the bobsled, rhythmic gymnastics and a new event for 1988, synchronized snow angels, the Band plays the Olympic theme.
“Olympic Theme”(Band splits into groups performing bobsledding, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized snow angels)
Oh no Band! You’ve skipped a few pages on the holiday calendar. It’s Halloween, not Christmas! What are you going to wear? OK, you could just go as ghosts…you are wearing white sheets. But why not trick-or-treat in a slightly more exotic costume, such as:
- Homer Hankies
- Elmers Glue-Stix
- f the Penn band
Forming 1/3 of Frosty the Snowman on the field, the Band reminds you that if the snow isn’t white, this must be Philadelphia.
“Frosty the Snowman”
(Band forms a blob)
November 7, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a look at Princeton’s four seasons.
Ah, autumn at Princeton. Can you say idyllic? Can you say picturesque? Can you say, where’s my umbrella? November and New Jersey…the the wind whistling through your room, wafting the pungent aroma of wet squirrels into your every pore. Ah, this is Princeton.
- wet leaves blowing across the courtyard
- wet freshmen running to their 9:00 AM clsses
- drunk upperclassmen stumbling home
- construction pits full of water
- the cavity creeps, or
- the Colgate Band
the Band looks for a sunny day, over the rainbow.
“Over the Rainbow”
(Band forms rainbow)
Autumn’s crisp, bright colors yield to the sparkling white of snow, which, mingling with New Jersey’s pure rainwater and fertile soil, forms the delicate gray which colors Princeton’s winter heart. Students pass these blessed months with a variety of celebrations. The mood is festive: squirrels roasting on an open fire, Jack Daniels nipping at your nose. In Februrary, Sophs pass many weekends in front of the eating clubs’ cozy fireplaces, where weenies are toasted and so are the students. But the favorite Princeton celebration occurs at the first winter snowfall. Sophomore spirits rise as the full moon hovers above Holder Courtyard. Saluting winter sports, the Band forms Holder Courtyard by the light of the silvery moon.
“By the Light of the Silvery Moon”
(Band forms a butt)
Spring at Princeton comes in like a wet squirrel and goes out like very wet squirrel. Spring: when students study and sunbathe until the rain forces them indoors; when squirrels frolic on green lawns until rain forces them inside…your room. Spring, when blossoms open in Prospect Garden, until rain erodes the topsoil and they wash away; when students in Houseparties finery promenade down Prospect Street until the rain makes Buffy’s bodice quite transparent. Finally in May, we realize we haven’t done squat on our theses. So, as the sun comes out and the mud dries, we rush to our carrels. Forming a squirrel typing footnotes on the field, the Band contemplates a “Hard Day’s Night.”
“Hard Day’s Night”
(Band forms a blob)
You may not have been in sunny Princeton this summer, but the Band was. By mid-June, the squirrels have recovered from their Reunions hangovers. Who can forget the annual administration-faculty orgy on Cannon Green? By the way, remember that July is positively the last month to submit your JP. Late-July also saw the U-Store’s 70%-off Sale. And who could forget the highlight of the summer: the USG’s triumph — the U2 concert in Jadwin…in mid-August. Applauding the USG’s Major Attractions Committee, the Band wonders when they’ll get a clue.
(Band forms question mark)
November 14, 1987
(Band staggers, weaves and crawls out along 50 yard line)
Once upon a time there came to Princeton a stranger from the faraway land of Michigan. He was called Harold, and he became King of the Princetonians. And Harold went forth across the campus, assembling knights for his Round Table. He met Sir Lowe the Responsive; Sir Benacerraf the Benificent; Sir Curtis the Cautious, who blunted their swords lest they hurt somebody. Other knights included Sir Loin the Beef, Sir Rhosis the Liver, Sir Veza the Beer, and Sir Vey says — XXX. (Band blows buzzer-type note) Away went this merry troupe in search of adventure and mirth.
“Riding Music from the Holy Grail”
(Band forms clapper)
Harold, this is God. (Band drops to knees and grovels) No, no stand up. (Band stands up) I hate that. Now listen. I am giving you and your knights a task. A holy mission to prove yourselves worthy of your new realm. You shall go and seek the Holy Clapper, shown here, and return it to its rightful place atop Castle Nassau. (Band plays auspicious yet foreboding minor chord.) If you succeed, you will prove your worth, and make the trustees really happy. NOW GO!!!!
(still in clapper)
After many days of searching the length and breadth of the campus, King Harold and his knights came upon a castle. Inside, a lone squire sat at the head of a huge table.
- I am Harold, King of the Princetonians. Who are you?
- I am Don Lu, Chairman of this USG committee.
- But there’s no committee here! How did you get to be chairman?
- As USG President, I appointed myself.
- Well who voted for you?
- NO ONE VOTES FOR USG PRESIDENT!
- How’d you become President then?
- The Ghost of Stan Park ’85 materialized from Lake Carnegie, holding aloft from the bosom of the waters a law school application, shown here. That is why I am your USG President.
- Well, we don’t have time to restructure this farcical student government. We’re on a mission from God. Don Louie, Louie, we gotta go now.
(Band forms law school applications)
Finally, during ground-breaking ceremonies for the new cross-campus canal system, Harold and his Knights unearthed the Holy Clapper. They climbed the tall tower of Castle Nassau, despite Sir Curtis’ objections, and reattached the clapper with a miracle adhesive they’d scraped off the floor of Dial Lodge. The glue held so well that Sir Curtis was sure the clapper could never be removed again. The Band salutes King Harold’s round table and the many uses of their discovery.
“Also Sprach Zarathustra”
(Band forms upside-down Y with flashers)
WHAT FIXES ELIS?
ROUND TABLE GLUE
NEUTER A BULLDOG
THE CORNELL SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 21, 1987
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
November 21, 1987
(This show is missing from the archives.)