The Band’s announcer for the 1990 football season was Paul Conrad ’91.
September 15, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an up close and personal look at things Big and Red.
Sports fans of all ages will long remember Pete Rose from the Big Red Machine, but unfortunately Pete’s now breaking rocks instead of records. If you think about it though, prison life’s a lot like baseball; there’s those pinstripe uniforms, that regimented life, and those showers with other men. Pete has far more in common with his fellow inmates than he might think: he knocked balls out of the park, his roomie knocked over liquor stores; he made umpires eat dust, his other roomie made his mother bite the dust. Forming Pete Rose’s view from his prison cell, the Band offers this fallen hero a little advice: don’t mess with Bubba.
(Band forms vertical bars)
Pete Rose isn’t the only thing Big and Red having trouble behind an iron curtain; there’s also Russia. America’s helping to grease the wheels of that Big Red Machine with hamburger diplomacy. Boris Yeltsin, after a tough day stirring up revolution, you deserve a break today! Here’s Ronald McDonald with your foreign aid package, McGlasnost, and it comes complete with burger, small fries, soft drink, and a different action figure each week. Choose from Lenin, Stalin, Trotsky, or GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip. Isn’t the presence of a big goofy clown peddling Happy Meals just what Moscow needs to keep its republics from breaking away? Hey Band, what are you going to do now that you’ve formed an independent republic, (shown here)? (“We’re going to Disney World!”)
“Mickey Mouse March”
(Band forms an independent republic)
While we’re on the subject of Big Red things, take Rosanne Barr after a long day at the beach. (“Please. No, really.”) The Band would like to salute Rosanne and all of our other favorite Big Red things by forming:
- Mars, the Big Red planet
- Jupiter’s Big Red Spot
- a baboon’s Big Red Spot
- Gorbachev’s Big Red Spot
- the Cornell band
Speaking of whom, we’d love to stay to hear their big band versions of Muzak classics, but….we gotta go now.
(Band forms big red blob)
And now, the only real band that thinks
they’re in the Ivy League….
September 22, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen: the weekend update from Princeton Eyewitness News and Information Service, with your host, the Princeton University Band.
Our lead story today concerns tightened campus security. In response to demands for better lighting and more proctors, the University has installed new card-activated locks in Forbes College. Way to go, guys. These Door Unlocking Devices, henceforth known as DUDs, will keep us safe from common thieves, muggers, and any marauding pizza delivery men. Forming your forgotten pie chilling in the night air, the Band plays a musical tribute to all the delivery men left out in the cold.
“I Hear You Knocking But You Can’t Come In”
(Band forms pepperoni pizza)
In a follow-up to our lead story, Healthwatch correspondent Al Frente reports that your Forbes College card keys, shown here, can also be used in case of a medical emergency. Not only do they unlock doors, but they also serve as Lifecall emergency transmitters.
Imagine if this happened to you: (Band falls down and yells: “Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”) But thanks to your new blue cards, Band, you don’t have to twist and shout all night long.
“Twist and Shout”
(Band forms rectangular card)
Our business segment tonight concerns the recent spate of acquisitions spreading from Wall Street to Prospect Avenue. Apparently this merger mania began with third floor bicker and has since blossomed to include entire clubs. The recent merger of Dial, Elm, and Cannon Clubs has sent shock waves through corporate America. In a surprise move, the DEC Grad Board has announced the hostile takeover of troubled corporate giant RJR Nabisco. Indeed, now it’s possible for DEC members to have their cookies and toss them too. Forming one too many Oreos on the field, the Band reaches for a little brown jug….of Mallox.
“Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms Oreo cookie)
Apparently, the DEC merger was prompted by a series of unfortunate accidents in which Dial members were found stuck to the taproom floor. Faced with the increasing cost of member removal from sticky floors, the Grad Board had no choice but to seek out new floors to conquer. Hence, the merger. Saluting great strides in the areas of fiscal responsibility and floor safety, the Band forms:
- Dial Elm Cannon
- Dumb Excuse for a Club
- Drinking, Eating, and Carousing
- Don’t Expect Cooperation
- a Dozen Empty Clubs
But remember, if DEC continues to grow, soon they’ll have no one to play with but themselves.
“He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”
(Band forms ‘DEC’)
The following is a public safety announcement by the Princeton University Telephone System….but you can call us PUTS. Learn to identify these sounds:
- This is the sound of a dial tone….(Band plays dial tone)
- This is the sound of a busy signal….(Band plays busy signal)
- This is the sound of a truck backing up outside your window at 7:00 am in the morning….(Band plays busy signal)
- This is the sound of you phoning your neighbor….(Band plays five notes)
- This is the sound of E.T. phoning home….(Band plays “Close Encounters” theme)
- And this is the sound of you phoning home….(Band plays lots of notes, segueing into….)
(Band forms telephone receiver)
The announcer isn’t wearing any pants. Film at 11.
September 29, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, join the Princeton University Band as we go back to school. Quick, Band — you’re late to class!
(Band scrambles onto field)
I hope you remembered your homework, Band. Oh, no! Don’t feel bad; ever since there’s been homework, there’s been late homework. Take Throg, the cavekid, who was the first to try this line: “I dropped my problem set, and it broke!” Plato used this one on Socrates: “Zeus seduced my mother and stole my homework!” In the Middle Ages, Copernicus once tried: “The Church banned my homework!” During the Irish potato famine, many a schoolchild lamented: “My family ate my science project!” And in the 1960’s, the love crowd often claimed: “Somebody smoked my English paper!” Forming a scrap of homework blowin’ in the wind, the Band pays a musical tribute to these early proponents of higher education.
“Blowin’ in the Wind”
(Band forms a scrap of paper)
Eww! What’s that smell? Must be lunchtime! Good thing you brought your plaid lunchbox, Band. Lunchboxes have come along way since Throg’s lunch cage. Achilles never left his tent without his Trojan lunch box, complete with secret compartment. And even French Revolutionaries carried lunch boxes filled with cake. During the 80’s, many a schoolchild went without his Ding Dongs due to the popular, yet difficult to open, Rubik’s Lunch Box. Forming a boxed lunch on the field, the Band reveals its favorite lunchtime goody.
(Band forms lunch box)
Oh no, Band; you shouldn’t have eaten so much at lunch — it’s time for Gym. Everyone always loved athletics. In the beginning there was volleyboulder, an exciting but short-lived sport, which was quickly renamed “squash.” Some years later, Viking crew teams kept fit with events such as the two mile pillage, the one mile pillage, and the half mile pillage and burn. Though the Vikings were the first traveling athletes, the first official away game was, of course, the Crusades. Forming an athletic sword on the field, the Band plays the crusader’s favorite fight song.
“When the Saints Go Marching In”
(Band forms a sword)
Just who is this Jim guy anyway, and why do we have to put on shorts to see him?
October 6, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band invites you on a journey through four years of Princeton.
Y’now, freshman say some of the darndest things….and the Band has been listening. We’d like to present our top five list of silly first-year questions:
- Which club is this?
- Can I have a beer?
- What’s third floor bicker?
- Dude, did you know that you can order pizza from those phones with the blue lights?
And the number one silly question uttered by a freshman:
- Excuse me, Professor, can I go to the bathroom?
(Band forms question mark)
It’s sophomore year, and a young Band’s fancy turns to thoughts of….bicker! So, you want to join a selective club? Are you ready for your interview?
- What is your name?
- We’re the Princeton Band.
- What is your quest?
- To join an exclusive eating establishment.
- What is your favorite club?
- Dial….no, Elm….no, Cannon…ahhhhh!
I’m sorry Band, you’ve been hosed….shown here.
(Band forms hose)Speaking of getting hosed, take junior year room draw. (“Please. No, really!”) Goodbye residential college, hello junior slums! Forming your one-room triple on the field…
(Band forms large rectangular box)No Band, that’s too large….
(Band shrinks)That’s still too large….
(box shrinks further)The Band would like to salute all seventy-six square feet of your new floor space.
“Seventy Six Trombones”
Nothing strikes terror into the heart of a Princeton senior quite like the word “thesis.” To all you procrastinating seniors, the Band presents common early warning signs of a troubled thesis:
- It’s January….and the bartenders at Marita’s know you by name.
- It’s February….and you have the highest Tetris score of anyone on your hallway.
- It’s March….and you’re thinking of becoming an engineer.
- It’s April….and you don’t know your carrel combination.
- It’s May….and your computer says: “This disk is unreadable. Do you want to initialize?”
“Another Bites the Dust”
(Band forms ’91 which changes to ’92)
The Band wanted to do a joke on the lives of graduate students, but Dean Ziolkowski told us that grad students aren’t permitted to have lives.
October 13, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at blunders throughout the ages.
Blunders, errors, foul-ups, screw-ups…they happen all the time. The first blunder in history was committed by Adam and Eve, of course. They weren’t satisfied with eternal bliss under the watchful eye of a benevolent God. No, they had to go to the local Garden of Eden McDonalds and order a delicious, but forbidden, hot apple pie. Thus not only did they fall from grace, but they burned the roofs of their mouths in the process. Forming an apple on the field, the Band salutes the biggest forbidden fruit east of Eden.
“New York, New York”
(Band forms an apple)
Getting run out of the Garden of Eden wasn’t half as dumb as running into the Valley of Death. Everyone knows that the Charge of the Light Brigade was a pretty stupid maneuver. The British army had the same strategy as the Bucknell football team: let’s run it up the middle, they’ll never expect that! (“Splat!”) Five hundred brave soldiers had to die for the British army to learn, once and for all, that Crimea doesn’t pay.
(Band forms a cannon)
Speaking of blunders, how about NASA. Lately, it has had problems probing the heavens. Take the Hubble Space Telescope:
Mirror, mirror in the scope,
whoever made you smoked some dope.
You weave and wobble in the sky,
your engineer must have been high.
Your mirror is cracked, your lens is broke;
he must have taken another toke.
It is for you we play this tune:
By the Light of the Silvery Moon.
“By the Light of the Silvery Moon”
(Band forms crescent moon)
Just who is Nell, anyway?
October 20, 1990
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an in-depth and responsible look at environmental problems.
The world is full of trash…but enough about Harvard. Since the University put a landfill on our practice field, the Band has been exploring techniques in recycling technology. For example, we’ve discovered that old bowling trophies can be recycled into Nobel Peace Prizes, slums in the Bronx can also be used as buildings for Butler College, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves can be re-used as the Harvard football team. However, we still haven’t figured out uses for saran wrap, carbon paper, or Harvard diplomas. Illustrating the difficulties of being environmentally conscious (or conscious at all), the Band laments its recycling box blues.
“Basin Street Blues”
(Band forms recycling box)
There is an up side to the destruction of the environment. Once all that pesky ozone is eliminated, we can use Antarctica as the world’s largest tanning salon. Thanks to Exxon, Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks now come in regular and unleaded. Nuclear winters will mean great skiing. Even Three Mile Island has its benefits…after all, two heads are better than one. But best of all, the greenhouse effect will melt the polar ice caps, thereby flooding the streets of Cambridge. Will it happen, or is our dream all wet? Only time will tell.
“William Tell Overture”
(Band forms a sailboat)
It’s 2001, and the more things don’t change, the more they stay the same. For instance: Rose Kennedy is still alive, Jackie Kennedy is still a size six, John Kennedy Jr. still hasn’t passed the bar, Ted Kennedy still isn’t President, and the Harvard band still isn’t funny. Unfortunately, the environmental crisis still looms large. Picture this, if you will: Harvard is no longer in Boston, because Boston is in Boston Harbor. Forced to higher ground by the greenhouse effect and rising tides, Harvard has sought a new haven….in, that’s right, New Haven. With Harvard and Yale side by side, they’ve created the world’s largest intellectual vacuum and produced the prime location for a toxic waste dump. The Band would like to salute Harvard’s difficult movement and a brighter future for the rest of us.
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms concert shell and flashes)
HARD MOVE, GROAN
HARVARD, GO HOME
See Dick run. Run, Dick, run.
C. Anthony Broh. Broh, Anthony, Broh.
October 27, 1990
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cold and calculating look at budgetary problems.
Like Rosanne Barr on one foot, budgets are tough to balance. When we heard the U.S. Government was in the hole, the Band wanted to lend a hand. Here are some of our suggestions for raising money:
- Congress could hold their first annual car wash.
- The Marion Barry tapes could be re-released for VHS and Beta.
- The government could raffle off Dan Quayle’s Nintendo collection.
- The D.E.A. could hold a brownie sale.
Forming a kilo…uh, a box of brownies on the field, the Band raises its consciousness and national revenues.
“Up, Up and Away”
(Band forms a brownie)
They say that a penny saved is a penny earned, but $10 billion saved is even better. One way the government could try to save some money would be to cut Dan Quayle’s allowance. They could also force Bush to take unpaid vacations, thus reducing his paid workdays to ten per year. And since he’s off so much of the time, does he really need a thousand points of light? Let’s just give him five hundred….and a night light for Dan. But none of this would even be necessary if they made just a few reductions in defense spending. Saluting a $10,000 budgetary tool, the Band shows Bush how to cut the Pentagon down to size.
“Mack the Knife”
(Band forms a pentagon which changes to a square)
The Columbia band learned everything it knows about balancing a budget from watching our government in action. A penetrating investigation came up with this secret copy of the Columbia band’s budget:
income $ 2000.00
music $ 0.25
cab fare $ 20.00
tips $ 457.00
legal council $ 100.00
Era (because protein gets out protein) $ 400.00
hand-held power pools $ 750.00
brownes and related foodstuffs $ 900.00, and
cold fusion research $ 4.5 billion
Forming an imbalanced budget, we salute Columbia’s imbalanced band.
“My Favorite Things”
(Band forms a balance)
Yo Band….Get Out!
November 3, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a pointed look at the dimensions.
Dimension Zero: The Point. By far the least of the dimensions, much like Penn, the least of the Ivies. But getting straight to the point, the Band demonstrates its geometric prowess by forming:
- that broken light on the scoreboard
- the point of no return
- the tip of Mr. Spock’s ears
- the tip of a Penn student’s head
- the Penn band
Oops. Sorry; they’re pointless. Well, our mothers told us not to point anyways. Saluting one one-thousandth of George Bush’s dream, the Band plays “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”
(Band forms a point)
Dimension One: The Line. “What’s cookin’, good lookin’? Wanna shake with a Quaker?” This is an example of a bad line. Demonstrating its one-track mind, the Band forms:
- a cosmic string
- the Mason-Dixon line
- the EEG of your average Penn student
- the shortest distance between the Band and a beer keg
- the Band going off on a tangent
- “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
“The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
(Band forms a line)
Dimension Two: The Plane. Going back and forth gets boring after a while, so it’s nice to throw in the occasional side-to-side. In the immortal words of Tatoo, “Boss, de plane, de plane!” Discovering the second dimension can be a traumatic event in the lives of certain young children, when they go looking for Fluffy, only to find her in the middle of the street — road pizza, that is. Some of our favorite things are even flatter than Fluffy: Joan Rivers’ stomach after liposuction, the Penn band’s jokes, and DEC’s beer.
(Band forms a plane)
Dimension Three: Space, the final frontier. The Band is always looking for new spaces to fill. There are lots of types of spaces. For example, there’s the space between David Letterman’s teeth, or the space between the Quaker’s ears. The space between Forbes College and campus has plagued many a freshman on his way to his 9:00 at the Equad. Of course, there’s always the Penn band; they’re spaced out. Saluting a three-dimensional Fluffy before her untimely demise, the Band plays “I Can’t Turn You Loose.”
“I Can’t Turn You Loose”
(Band forms coordinate axes)
We were going to make a joke about the fourth dimension, but we ran out of time.
November 10, 1990
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cutting look at medicine.
It’s been a long time since surgery meant drilling holes in people’s skulls to let the evil spirits out. Nowadays people are having holes drilled in their skulls to get hair transplants…and having holes drilled in many other parts of their bodies to get silicon implants. Not wanting to be left out in this day of cosmetic surgery, the Band recently improved our dance steps by getting a lambadamy. Demonstrating our surgically inserted talent, the Band dances the forbidden dance.
“Liberty Bell Tango”
(Band forms a scalpel)
Speaking of removing things, Saddam Hussein has been doing his part for separating families worldwide. And anyone who’s undergone this forced kin removal knows just how painful it can be. To ease pain such as this, doctors have been prescribing a number of treatments: there’s Valium, Perkadan, nonoxynol-9, and the ever-popular blow to the back of the head. But in all our searching for that ever-elusive relief, we’ve found only one cure for all that yales us.
(Band forms glass which slowly drains)
There comes a time when modern medicine can do no more and you need to turn to something stronger: faith healing. John Kennedy Jr. made the small donation of his life savings and, lo and behold, he passed the bar, which makes him the first Kennedy capable of passing a bar. But who needs MCATS and med school when there are legions of gullible, err, faithful, out there just waiting to be relieved of their pain…and their bank accounts. Looking forward to a lucrative new career, the Band says, “Give us $5 million, or we won’t leave the field.”
“When the Saints Go Marching In”
(Band forms a dollar sign)
Unfortunately, some things can’t be cured…like the Yale band.
November 17, 1990
Stumbling onto the field like a flock of turkeys with their heads cut off, the Princeton University Band takes a puritanical and pious look at Thanksgiving.
It’s a little known fact that before the Pilgrims settled at Plymouth Rock, they landed on the scenic Jersey shore, but left after stepping on a dirty needle. Imagine what Thanksgiving would be like if the Pilgrims had colonized Princeton; we’d be eating roast squirrel and meatless turkey parmesan. If they had settled in San Francisco, we’d all be thankful for Rice-a-Roni (what a treat!); but boy, it’s a good thing they didn’t land in New Hampshire, otherwise we’d all be enjoying sheep, just like the guys at Dartmouth. Forming a lamb chop, the Band says, “I’ve Got Plenty of Mutton.”
“I’ve Got Plenty of Nothing”
(Band forms a lamb chop)
The Band’s favorite part of Thanksgiving is eating Mom’s leftovers for weeks and weeks. That stuffed bird can sure be used for a lot of things: there’s turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey pot pie, turkey stir fried with tofu, turkey ice cream, caffeine-free turkey Slice. Speaking of turkeys, take the Dartmouth band. (“Please. No, really.”) But after weeks and weeks of all this cold meat, we’re glad when we get down to the bone. Forming a wishbone on the field, the Band invites you to grab us and make a wish.
“When You Wish Upon a Star”
(Band forms a wishbone)
Speaking of Thanksgiving, the Band would like to take this moment to remember all of the people who made our 72nd season of marching, mirth, and merriment so successful. Special thanks to Chris and Myrt for always being there, to Amy and Tom for not catching our funniest lines, to Jack “Hotfoot” Hontz for all the trouble he’s seen, to Sam Howell and Dan Martin for all their help during the Harvard game, to Harry Sluncheonette for his excellent coffee, to all those hapless students in Wilcox Hall and the Student Center during our show-writing sessions, to DEC for being such an endless source of humor, and to the Class of ’39 and all our other loyal fans for their enthusiastic support.
And now, President “Buxom” Beth Katona, Conductor Kelvin “The Pelvis” Lee, Drum Major Mike “Don’t Touch My Mace” Amabile, and your Announcer Paul “I’m Still Not Wearing Any Pants” Conrad sign off in style while the Band plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever” — just because we can.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms Princeton shield)
THE DARTMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 17, 1990
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)