The Band’s announcer for the 1992 football season was Rob Kutner ’94.
September 19, 1992
And now, the Princeton University Band takes an inquisitive look at family values in the nineties.
The nineties have seen the decline of a great many things: we’ve seen everything from the declining value of the dollar, to Ross Perot declining his presidential bid and a declining faith in the government, to declining land values in Miami. But according to this year’s presidential candidates, the most important thing in decline is family values. A prime example of America’s new-found poverty of family values is the recent scandal involving movie icon Woody Allen and his long-time companion, Mia Farrow. Their tragic love polygon–that’s a many-sided figure for you Cornell students–involving their children, their lawyer, the cook, the thief, his wife, her lover, and Professor Plum in the conservatory with the candlestick, has made all the papers. Under this wave of new publicity, the Band thinks that some of Woody’s movies should be released under new titles in order to cash in on the scandal. Here are a few of our suggestions: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Woody Allen’s Sex Life but Were Afraid to Ask,” “Take the Children and Run,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy that the Whole Family Will Enjoy,” and finally, “Bananas,” because this whole is driving us bananas.
“Thank Heaven for Little Girls”
(Band forms a banana)
With all this talk about family values, the Band was wondering what they really are. Is it a family value when children under 13 fly free? Are Donald and Ivanna Trump America’s most valuable family? Is looting with your children quality time? Can you find family values at a True Value hardware store, or does K-Mart have a blue light special on them? Well, we know what every Republican really thinks a family value is: a tax deduction on every child. Forming:
- your mother
- apple pie
- 2.5 children
- a pre-nuptial agreement
- the Cornell band
the Band salutes family values. “Love and Marriage”
(Band forms pre-nuptial agreement)Family values aren’t just an American election issue, though. Just take a look at how they play the game in England. With Fergie and Di’s impending Royal flush, the deck is stacked against Charles and Andrew for anything except an intense hand of solitaire. With Fergie leaning towards her Texas oilman, and Charles left riding his polo horse, the Band thinks that maybe the French had the right idea in the solution to their royal problems.
(Band forms guillotine)
Speaking of royal pains in the neck, here’s the Cornell band.
September 26, 1992
And now, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at campus news.
Students returning to campus have found bright orange bicycles scattered around campus by the Department of Public Safety. The proctors say that the bicycles are there for us to steal–er, I mean “borrow.” The Band thinks that the loaner bikes are a great way to reduce bike theft; in fact, we think this program should be expanded. For instance, to discourage clapper theft, Public Safety could scatter clappers all over campus. And maybe the Athletics Department could have avoided that embarrassing incident this Summer by sprinkling some extra Ivy League basketball trophies about. And let’s not forget leaving some piles of money lying around for USG officers to embezzle. In keeping with this spirit, the Band would like to suggest that to curb alcohol abuse, the best thing to scatter on campus would be kegs, shown here.
(Band forms a keg)
While we applaud the University’s crime prevention program, we think that it’s time to get serious about safety, as there are not enough regulations already to prevent us from our own stupidity. So, here are some of our suggestions for a kinder, gentler University. In order to prevent the possibility of fire, ivy on buildings may only cover up to 25% of the total wall space. At all major intersections on campus, students must not only dismount their bicycles, but also their sneakers and walk them both across the street. No one must be allowed within 200 feet of Fine Tower and its dangerous sculpture, just in case they should fall. The Dinky’s dangerous and very unprotected power supply should be removed, and the Dinky be powered using the Flintstone method. Finally, the Band cautions everyone to make sure they lock their bikes to an immovable object, unlike the following: the Ivy League basketball trophy, the embosser from the registrar’s office, and finally, the junior class’ Dial-Elm-Cannon deposits.
“Can’t Turn You Loose”
(Band forms a U-lock)
Later this year, students will be able to get cable TV in their own dorm rooms, and the Band has heard that one of Tiger TV’s first offerings will be the NUDE OLYMPICS TRIPLECAST! For just $19.95 a day, you get three channels of non-stop excitement. On the blue channel, we’ll feature continuous showings of last year’s police videotape. Tune into the white channel for up-close and personal coverage of the athletes, featuring profiles like you’ve never seen before. Experience all the excitement of the competition…in SUPER SLOW MO. And on the red and chafed channel, our cameras will take you into the very courtroom where the Princeton Borough judge trying the athletes was actually tried for DWI. Tune into all the juicy details, as our investigative reporters get to the bottom of the matter, shown here.
(Band forms a butt)
(Band runs off and re-forms in the endzone. Band has removed jackets and boaters, revealing red sashes; berets are optional.)
Mesdames et monsieurs, la band de Lafayette.
Eh bien, la France. Chamet, la Louvre, champagne. Sasson pour homme egoiste. Pepe Le Peu. Au Bon Pain. Et maintenant, zee Lafayette Band vould like to salute a few of our fayvoreete Franch things, by forming:
- a kiss
- a bikini, or
- April in Paris
“April in Paris”
(Band high-steps into a Hershey’s Kiss, which changes into a bikini bottom)
France’s greatest hero was Napoleon. Next to him, Lafayette was, well…taller. But that’s not important now. Saluting France’s second greatest hero, for his actions in this country, the Band plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever.”
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band high-steps into a concert shell)
Say…have you ever seen the Princeton Band and the Lafayette Band together in the same place at the same time? Think about it.
October 3, 1992
And now, from deep in the bowels of New Jersey, the Princeton University Band takes a moving look at transportation.
Just how do you get from there to here? We’ve been keeping tabs on how to take trips, and want to know: how do you take a trip? Not having the fifty dollars or the street connections, the Band thinks that the way to travel in style is to book passage on a sailing vessel. Historically, seamen have made many discoveries of Titanic proportions, such as: nausea, scurvy, sunken chests, Jimmy Hoffa, the Bermuda Triangle, and the joys of oil slicks. All of these treasures have been yielded from the sea. Men and women such as these have made sea travel the most elegant way to go. And remember, the oldest forms of transportation are the safest–what could possibly happen? Forming a boat, the Band says, “Hello, sailor.”
(Band forms a boat complete with sail)
Well, those of you Lehigh students who missed the boat should try the majestic, primal power of the locomotive. What can compare with the thrill of riding the Iron Horse? After all, the train has had a forceful impact on our society. Where would we be without the Soul Train? Or the Peace Train? Or John Coltrane? And we can’t forget the train of thought, the training bra, and most importantly, the gravy train. Forming a train on the field, the Band asks the question: If a train leaves Lehigh at 100 mph at 2:00 and another train leaves Princeton at 3:00 travelling 69 mph, which one will Amtrack crash first?
“Take the A-Train”
(Band forms train, smokestack puffs smoke during song)
Come with us as we take a look into the 21st century, where boats are all washed up and trains are out of steam. To get higher and stay up longer, you can’t beat a spaceship. Just ask George Jetson…and his boy Elroy. Soon everyone will be travelling on flying saucers, just like Elvis. But today, with the space program stalled, it looks like the only way to get off Earth is to take a rocket. Forming a rocket, the Band shoots off into the sky.
“Star Trek: The Next Generation”
(Band forms a rocket, and exhaust comes out during song)
Remember: sometimes a train is just a train.
October 10, 1992
The Princeton University Band would like to present some advice to help you survive Parents’ weekend.
Congratulations, all you freshman parents! You finally got the little rugrat out the door. For a mere $25,000 a year plus shipping and handling, your children don’t have to go to Brown! With this incredible deal, you receive one or more of the following:
- a spacious dorm room complete with smelly roommate and roach motel!
- a U-Store card, good at thousands of U-Stores around the world!
- all the DFS flatware you can carry away!
- and the chance to learn exciting new social skills (engineers need not apply)
But wait! There’s so much more. If you stay in the program for two years, you also get a further opportunity to be gouged by your eating club or starve as an independent! It’s not that bad, though…at least you can drown your sorrows every weekend on the Street. “Basin Street Blues”
(Band forms a basin)
Well, now that your loving parents are here, the Band would like to present you with some Do’s and Don’ts about how to treat them.
- Do show them the Good Stuff package you got from Housing; do not show them the package you got from SECH.
- Do show them the fine architecture in the Chapel; do not show them Butler.
- Do introduce them to your advisor; do not introduce them to your dealer.
- Do show them all the interesting foliage in Prospect Garden; do not show them the interesting foliage growing in your dirty laundry.
- Do take them to visit your lecture hall in McCosh; do not take them to see your bed in McCosh.
- Do take them to meet George at the Haven; do not introduce them to Stan at Community Liquors.
Saluting Stan from Community Liquors, the Band plays “Little Brown Jug.” “Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms a jug)
It’s important that your parents feel they’re getting their money’s worth from your Princeton education. But no matter what Princeton’s faults may be, at least it’s not Brown. You should make sure to remind them of the following facts:
- At Princeton, you can’t major in Rock and Roll.
- McCosh doesn’t stock suicide pills.
- Princeton is not cutting academic departments.
- The town of Princeton is not run by the Mafia.
- Our school colors don’t sound like something that needs to be cleaned.
- Princeton is still need-blind.
- President Shapiro has not been seen watching movies with Pee Wee Herman.
- Elvis has been seen at Princeton.
(Band forms a jail)
(Band forms a ’96’)
But really, what have you learned so far at Princeton? The Band is sure that you’ve picked up a lot of extra knowledge outside of your classes, but it’s probably better that you don’t tell your parents about some of the skills you’ve been picking up, like your new-found skill in head-butting lamps, or that you’ve been named to represent Wilson College in the 1993 Nude Olympics. And certainly don’t let them find out that three-quarters of your phone bill is 900 numbers, and that half your U-Store bill is comic books and soft porn. And finally, don’t tell them that you’re dating faculty. But there’s one skill you’re certainly not in danger of using while you’re here. The Band would like to salute the Class of ’96 in its impossible mission.
(The ’96’ changes to a ’69’)
And now–this just in! Ross Perot has once again withdrawn from the presidential race!
We just flew in from the Republican National Convention, and boy, do those guys know how to throw a party! Here’s a few of the things we overheard:
- “Yes, you can vote for Quayle and I’ll still respect you in the morning.”
- “It’s not a recession; the economy is just ‘differently growing’.”
- “So Barbara, this is what Texas looks like.”
- “Birth control? If Ross Perot can pull out, so you can you.”
- “It wasn’t a riot; it was ‘intense urban renewal’.”
- “What?! Women can vote?”
- “That’s what I like about the Republican Party: everyone’s just like me.”
- “No, Dan; the teleprompter doesn’t play Super Mario Brothers.”
- “So, what’s your family value: $1 million?”
- “This party doesn’t pander to special interest groups like women and minorities.”
Forming a road, the Band wonders if, come January, George Bush will be the latest unemployment statistic. “Hit the Road Jack”
(Band forms a road)
Never to be accused of ridiculing only one side of the issue, the Band now takes you to listen in on those wacky Democrats:
- “We don’t think of it as a tax, exactly. More sort of an ‘involuntary gift’.”
- “So Ms. Flowers, what are you doing after the convention tonight?”
- “Say, is there a draft in here? I’d better leave the country.”
- “Off with her head!”…”We can’t do that, Tippy.”
- “Congressional Bank Card: Don’t leave the House without it. No interest, 0% financing, no payments…ever.”
- “You hear about Tipper’s problem with the Democratic ticket? Too much sax and Gore.”
And now, the Band plays a tribute to Bill Clinton…without inhaling. “Happy Days Are Here Again”
(Band forms “concert line” which collapses as Band members run out of breath.)
This just in: Perot has re-entered the race! Hey, Mr. Perot, why are you getting back in the race? “Well, I liked it so much, I bought the country!” The Band now salutes the only man able to sit on both sides of the fence at the same time, with Perot’s theme song, the “Hokey Pokey.” (Sung) You put your candidacy in, you put your candidacy out…
(Band forms a circle and hokey pokeys)
Well, the election is getting kind of close, and like Ross Perot, you’re going to have to make a decision and stick with it.
(Band forms four voting levers; signs with names begin hidden)
So Band, who are you going to vote for?
(First sign flips to reveal…) Bush? (“No!”)
(Second sign flips to reveal…) Clinton? (“No!”)
(Third sign flips to reveal…) Perot? (“No!”)
(Fourth sign flips to reveal…) Madonna! (the fourth lever is pulled)
Remember: every vote counts, unless it’s for Ross Perot.
October 24, 1992
Ladies and gentlemen, solving all of the world’s problems on the halftime field, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Our cleanup begins at home. America’s leaders have failed us. But all is not lost! The Band would like to announce its candidacy for the office of president. Check out these qualifications: we’re taller than Ross Perot. We’ve got more sax than Clinton’s ever had, and we actually do know nothing about the Iran-Contra scandal. We haven’t vomited on any foreign dignitaries…recently. And finally, we’ve got more moral convictions than a Harvard Business School graduate, and less legal convictions than a Harvard Law School graduate. Forming the Capitol Building on the field, the Band suggests that the only government job suitable for a Harvard graduate is delivering the Washington Post.
“Washington Post March”
(Band forms the Capitol)
It’s not just America that’s in trouble, though. The rest of the world’s in pretty sad shape too, but we think we know why. We’ve discovered that global warming is caused by all the hot air rising from Cambridge. The recent resurgence of disco was created by the Harvard band. The Sun will go nova in four billion years, engulfing the Earth, and not a single Harvard professor is doing anything about it. And the hole in the ozone layer, shown here, can be directly traced to the fact that Harvard sucks.
(Band forms ozone hole)
So, all the world’s problems are caused by Harvard. Surprised? Yeah, right. Looking for a universal solution, the Band consulted the writings of Nostradamus, astrologist Jeanne Dixon, the Wizard of Oznot, the Dalai Lama, Chris the janitor from Spelman, and ancient Norse prophecies. They left us with this cryptic message, translated from the original runes:
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms concert shell and flashes)
THOR AS SHAVED MARTYR
HARVARD EAT MY SHORTS
PRINCETON KICKS TAIL
And remember, Princeton is to Harvard as the thrill of victory is to the agony of defeat.
October 31, 1992
Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your wallets; it’s the Princeton University Band.
There has been a lot of talk lately about reducing the drug problem through the legalization of marijuana, especially among Columbia band members. The Band applauds this logic, and believes it should be extended to solving other crime problems too. Take theft. (“Please. No, really!”) Legalizing theft would reduce crime, increase tax revenues, and create job opportunities for all those out-of-work Columbia graduates as “resource reallocators.” Plus, it would give New York’s overworked police force more time to relax in Dunkin Donuts. Saluting New York’s finest, the Band forms a jelly donut, and says “I hear ya knockin’, but ya’ can’t have my wallet.”
(Band forms a jelly donut)
Speaking of empty consumerism, we’ve heard that Mattel is yanking its talking Barbie dolls off the shelves, and replacing them with a new line of talking political figure dolls. Where the talking Barbie doll would say “Math is hard,” the new Dan Quayle doll will say “Spelling is hard,” the new James Stockdale doll will say “Public speaking is hard,” and finally, the new Gennifer Flowers doll will say “Bill Clinton is cute.”
“Phantom of the Opera” drowns out last word
(Band forms a smiley face)
And remember, ladies and gentlemen, the Columbia halftime show is like bad Chinese food: it’s quick, bland, and you’re hungry again in an hour.
November 7, 1992
Hey, Penn Band: don’t quit your day jobs.
And now for something completely different: it’s the Princeton University Band.
The other day the Band was deeply disappointed to hear that the Penn Vetinary School was considering closing its doors…forever. What could have led to this tragedy? Maybe it was the suspicious number of cheesesteak vendors springing up nearby. Or the strange open graves in the local pet cemetary. Of course, the Vetinary School has been going downhill ever since Jeffrey Dahmer was forced to leave his directorship. Then there’s the rumor that Millie, the White House dog, is suing for malpractice after she was accidentally spayed during a routine root canal operation. But we know the real reason: it’s just another sign of Penn’s decline — it’s just a case of rats fleeing a sinking ship.
“Mickey Mouse March”
(Band forms mouse ears)
In its infinite wisdom, the University has proposed a four-year residential college system. Oh joy. We’ve been pondering what this will mean for Princeton. When they divide up the buildings, who takes Spelman, who takes the slums, and who takes it for four years in the But? And of course there’s always Shapiro College: it’s only open on alternate Mondays between 8:30 and 8:45 am. And what will become of all those abandoned buildings on Prospect Avenue? Can you trade four clubs for a hotel? Saluting two more years of screwing your roommate, the Band asks: When you’re having this much fun, why stop at four years?
“Rock Around the Clock”
(Band forms ‘4’)
The Band just finished filling out its senior survey and felt there were some important questions left unasked. So please participate in our own survey by turning to page 69 in your game program. Here are the questions:
1. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned at Princeton?
- Ross Perot is really short.
- Avoid stained glass windows when naked.
- McCosh is right: Sudafed can cure cancer.
2. Have you tried drugs?
3. What’s the best way to pass at Princeton?
- Eat lots of fiber
- the Penn Band
Selecting our only option, the Band salutes the power of prayer.
“When the Saints Go Marching In”
(Band forms a halo)
Well, the election’s come and gone, leaving two new additions to the unemployment line. In the wake of their catastrophic defeat, the Band would like to offer our suggestions on where they can go and what they can do with themselves.
- do domestic cleaning (he’s always wanted to clean the House).
- live off Millie’s royalties.
- get a job as a professional lip-reader.
- campaign for Quayle in ’94.
- take a long vacation in Kennebunkport…oh wait, he’s already done that.
Ross Perot can:
- play Dumbo in “Disney on Ice.”
- open a fast-food chain called “Perogies.”
- buy a small state instead…like Arkansas.
- open a store on Nassau Street called H. Gross Perot’s.
Saluting these election losers, the Band plays “Birdland.”
(Band forms concert shell)
And remember what they always say about Princeton and Penn: Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly cuts right to the bone.
November 14, 1992
And now, the Princeton University Band takes a cold, hard look at cold, hard cash.
From the dawn of time, man was concerned about saving money. In fact, even yale students know that civilization was founded on the banks…the banks of the Tigris and the Euphrates, that is. Although successful, the first banks faced some logistical problems. It was tough to find a safe deposit box big enough to hold a goat. And the less said about the first piggy bank, the better. But with banks came problems. The Band’s crack investigative team has discovered that the Tower of Babel, the Sphinx’s nose, and Stonehenge were all not completed due to the failure of the first S&L, 10,000 BC BCCI. Saluting this financial disaster, the Band says “this could be the start of something big.”
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms Stonehenge)
Money has been an important concern at yale, even back to colonial times. While Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24 in trinkets, the Indians were lucky enough to unload New Haven for three Snickers wrappers and a Pepsi can. yale’s financial problems have extended right up to today. Yes, yale is bankrupt. Morally, intellectually…oh yeah, and financially. yale is currently revising its need-blind admissions policy into a new “need-astigmatism policy.” In other words: “Come closer, let me see your wallet.” Money aside, what would it take to make us go to yale? Apart from a lobotomy, it would have to be at gunpoint.
(Band forms a gun)
And what of the future? Two hundred years from now, none of us will use money…because we’ll all be dead. But really, we will still be using money, it just will look a little different. For example, the Susan B. Anthony dollar will be replaced with the equally useful Dan Quayle dollar, as soon as he learns to count that high. The Home Shopping Network will boom with the introduction of the $19.95 Ronco Buck. But by far the most popular new currency will be the $69.00 Madonna coin, featuring Madonna, front and back. Lending a whole new meaning to the phrase “heads or tails,” the Band plays “In the Mood.”
“In the Mood”
(Band forms a coin)
And remember: money may be the root of all evil, but yale is definitely the fertilizer.
November 21, 1992
Blazing onto the field like tomorrow night’s bonfire, it’s the Princeton University Band.
The future of Princeton is assured. The University is building a power plant, and guess what–it’s THERMONUCLEAR. What will this mean for you? Well, consider plasma InstaHots. And if you think your pipes are noisy now, boy are you in for a surprise. Now WPRB will have a new 30,000 megaton antenna–“Radio you can hear on Mars…through your toothbrush.” Replacing the Nude Olympics will be the Nuclear Winter Olympics. And DFS food will stay warm forever.
DeNunzio Pool will become the slowest pool in the league because of its heavy water. And finally, head butting lamps will become much more exciting, shown here.
“Virgin de la Macarena”
(Band forms mushroom cloud)
Well, the end of the millennium is fast approaching, and with it, the end of everything. Yes, the apocalypse is coming, and no one will be left to clean up after it. How do we know? Well, take a look at these signs of the end of the world:
- Columbia beats Cornell in football.
- The infinodryer in 1903 stops working.
- All 2000 copies of the Prince are delivered on time to the right rooms, and they actually say something.
- A campus center is built.
- The Princeton ratio is 50/50.
- Beer is not served at Reunions.
- Harry’s Luncheonette buys out DFS.
And then there’s the biggest sign of the apocalypse: the graduation of the son of our most famous alum, God, Class of ’00. “Jesus Christ Superstar”
(Band forms a mortarboard)
So, what does the future really hold? Well, let’s ask our Magic Eight Ball.
(Band forms Magic Eight Ball)
- Which school is better, Harvard or Yale? (Magic Eight Ball shakes…sign in center says “NO”)
- Pardon me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans you’re wearing? (Magic Eight Ball shakes…sign in center says “Why yes”)
- What can a Dartmouth student expect from his future? (Magic Eight Ball shakes…sign in center shows McDonald’s arches.)
How does a Dartmouth student choose between going out on a Friday night and tending his sheep? Well, he flips a coin, shown here.
(Eight Ball is now a coin. Band flips coin: each side runs to other side. Trash in center “moons.”)Uh oh, looks like tails! Oh well, Dartmouth, you’ll get yours in the end.
“Everybody Needs Somebody”
We’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Princeton football team on bringing the Big Three Championship back to Tigertown. You know, it’s not called the Big Three for nothing. After all, three is:
- The number of Harvard students it takes to fill a hot air balloon.
- The minimum number of days required for a Princeton student to write a thesis.
- And finally, it’s the number of Yale students it takes to screw a lightbulb…into a bulldog.
As we form a Big Three Championship–actual size–we’d like to remind you that Princeton is to Harvard and Yale as the U.S. Olympic Basketball team is to Angola and Sweden.
(Band forms a big ‘3’)
Concluding our 74th season of marching, music, mirth, and merriment, we’d like to thank Amy, Joyce, G. Donald Murray, and Jack “Big Daddy” Hontz for all they’ve done. And now, on behalf of President Doug “It’s not my fault” Natelson, Student Conductor Ed “If you can afford her” Baier, and Drum Major Lyle “Nature Boy” Andrews, this is your announcer Rob “I blame Clem” Kutner, reminding you that God went to Princeton, Satan went to Harvard, and George Bush went to Yale.
THE DARTMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 21, 1992
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)