The Band’s announcer for the 1993 football season was Eric Peskin ’94.
September 18, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, flowing onto the field like the swollen Mississippi, it’s the Princeton University Band.
We interrupt this program to bring you the latest update from the Mars Observer. (long pause) But seriously, having failed to locate the Mars Observer after posting its face on America’s Most Wanted,
NASA has started taking out personal ads in The Star, The Sun, The Weekly World News,
and whatever the name of the Cornell paper is. The Princeton University Band has obtained an advance copy of the ad, and it reads something like this:
N.A.S.A. seeks S.O.S (single orbiting satellite) for long-term commitment. Must have good communication skills and enjoy travelling. Hubble Telescope need not apply.
Forming a radar dish, the Band suggests that NASA get help from a space agency with a little more experience. “Star Trek: The Next Generation”
(Band forms a radar dish)
In other news from the Summer, the government announced a new policy towards gays in the armed services. Following the military’s lead, the Princeton University Dining Service has announced a similar policy regarding their entrees: “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The University will no longer discriminate on the basis of digestive orientation. For example, when recruiting new food, Food Services promises not to inquire about the substance’s race, creed, color, or whether it used to go “Moo” or “Meow.” Saluting foods that are “differently digestable,” the Band forms a bone and asks the musical question…
“How Much is that Doggie in the Window?”
(Band forms a bone)
(Band scrambles into concert shell; trash with letters spell acronyms below)
This past Summer, the Department of Food Services, DFS, decided to improve its image by renaming itself “Princeton University Dining Services”–or PUDS. Way to go. In a similar vein, the Housing Office considered calling itself “Housing Our Students Equally.” (HOSE) The Department of Public Safety renamed itself “Fire Inspections Never End.” (FINE) The Campus Mail system will be renamed “Student Letter Office Workers” (SLOW)…as soon as last week’s memo announcing this is delivered…next year. McCosh Health Center has opened a new pharmacy department named “Students Try Drugs,” (STD) and the Admissions Office is now the “Special Office for the Rapid Rejection of You.” (SORRY)
And now, saluting our favorite acronym, the Band plays P.U.B.
“Princeton University Band”
(Band is in concert shell)
This just in from the Dean of Student Life: “Hello. My name is Janina Montero. You killed my father. Prepare to die!”
This score just in from Mars: Martians 28, NASA nothing.
September 25, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at life in America.
Hardly a week passes in America without another celebrity divorce. Take Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson. (“Please. No, really!”) Who’ll be next? We wouldn’t be surprised to hear of the breakup of Mr. Bill and Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton; after all, only one person can wear the pants in the family. Other potential breakups include Siskel and Ebert…after Siskel put his thumb up in the wrong place. And in a real shocker, Bert and Ernie. Why? Don’t ask, don’t tell.
“Love and Marriage”
(Band forms a heart that breaks)
Moving from breakups to breakdowns, how about that American justice system? We’ve discovered that secret negotiations are underway between the government and McDonalds to set up drive-through courts–“McJustice with a side of fries.” Another possibility is Jiffy Lube Justice–“Out in twenty-seven minutes or your next divorce is free!” But the best new suggestion is Wheel of Fortune Justice–the winner gets these valuable prizes, while the loser gets a case of Turtle Wax, a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, and five to ten in Alcatraz, “The San Francisco Treat.”
(Band forms a jail)
Ahh, jailbirds. Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s self-assisted suicide machine is so
popular, people are dying
to use it…once. Next month, Dr. Kevorkian will introduce a whole line of self-help products. Be sure to buy the Home Baby Bronzing Kit, so you can preserve that special moment forever! Watch for the Home Pregnancy Kit, and our favorite, the Do-It-Yourself Appendectomy Kit, complete with Super Ginsu knife–shown here, actual size. (Censored: …and our favorite, the Home Circumcision Kit: so easy, even a child could use it.)
“Mack the Knife”
(Band forms knife with ‘GINSU’ label)
And now, please welcome the Lafayette College Marching Band.
(Lafayette College has no band)
October 2, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at things that didn’t work out right.
Shakespeare may be the world’s greatest playright, but even he didn’t get everything right the first time. For example, an early version of The Merchant of Venice
mentioned not “a pound of flesh,” but a quarter-pound of flesh with cheese…and a side of fries. And in the second draft of Macbeth,
Shakespeare wrote “Is that a dagger I see before me, or are you just happy to see me?” Finally, in an early version of Hamlet,
when Hamlet lifted the skull, he originally said “Alas poor Yorick, you’ve lost some weight.” Saluting manuscripts that never saw the light of day, the Band forms writer’s block.
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
(Band forms a block)
Speaking of frustration, take the mighty Mississippi. (“Please. No, really!”) The Band visited the Midwest this Summer, and here’s some of the things we overheard:
- Damn–I just washed the car!
- Has it been forty days yet?
- You know, this whole flood could have been prevented with a little Thompson’s Water Seal.
- Hey, can you float me a loan?
- Dive! Dive! Ah-oogah! Ah-oogah!
- Toto, I think we’re not in Kansas anymore…more like the Gulf of Mexico.
Forming a liquid asset on the field, the Band invites you to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud. “Mississippi Mud”
(Band forms a house that sinks into the water)
Watching the Midwest levies fail made us think of other things that didn’t quite work as planned. How many of these inventions do you remember?
- the Edsel
- eight track tapes
- the Craftmatic Adjustable Toilet Seat–costs so much less than ordinary flat toilet seats. Heat and massage optional.
- the 30,000 volt edition of Operation–it takes a very steady hand
- the Swiss Army Suppository–you never know what will pop out next
- the Steam-Powered Toupee
- the Waltons action figures, and finally,
- Acid Wash Face Scrub, shown here, because “If you don’t look good, we don’t care!”
“Phantom of the Opera”
(Band forms an acid flask with smoke coming out of the top)
Sometimes it isn’t things that go wrong, but people. The Princeton University Band compiled this quick and easy checklist–if you can answer “yes” to one or more of these questions, then there’s something wrong with your roommate:
- When she steals utensils from PUDS, does she take only the knives?
- Does he phone home with a Speak-n-Spell?
- Is all her homework done in red ink, but you can never find the pen?
- Is his last name “Menendez”?
- Does she say she doesn’t need to study because Judgement Day is nigh?
Wishing Judgement Day were already here, the Band plays “Jesus Christ Superstar.” “Jesus Christ Superstar”
(Band forms a sideways cross)
This just in from Jerusalem: Roman Empire 1, Jesus Christ 0….no, make that 3.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an up-close and personal look at incompetence.
(Band scrambles onto the field)
Too often, we only hear about the best and brightest in the news, while the truly awful goes unrecognized. In the spirit of fairness, the Band presents this list of the world’s greatest incompetents:
- NASA, proud parents of the Hubble Orbiting Space Doorstop and the Mars Eavesdropper
- the master chef at the Jack In the Box food chain–remember, all employees must wash their hands after using the restrooms!
- Dan Quayle’s parents, for not using protection
- the valet parking attendant at the World Trade Center
- the Brown Band
Forming a terrorist target, the Band salutes the city that never sleeps…because the bombs keep on exploding!
“New York, New York”
(Band forms a skyscraper that explodes)
Any discussion of incompetence wouldn’t be complete without mentioning NASA…again. The Band’s compiled this list of reasons we haven’t heard from the Mars Observer:
- isn’t speaking to us until we apologize for all those Hubble Space Telescope jokes
- ran off with that cute Venus probe
- Oliver North was selling parts to the Contras
- was never built–NASA spent the $10 billion on an awesome keg party
- still in shock over Burt and Loni’s breakup
- the Brown Band
But seriously folks, we all know the real reason: waxy yellow buildup. But never fear–NASA is building the Quiet Transmission Intensification Probe, or Q-Tip, shown here, actual size.
“The Sound of Silence”
(Band forms a Q-Tip)
Incompetence in the space program is one thing, but incompetence back at home is even scarier. After just one visit to local hospitals, the Band came up with this list of things you don’t
want to hear on the operating table:
- I’m Dr. Kevorkian, and I’ll be your anesthesiologist today
- Appendectomy? I thought you said “vasectomy”!
- The reverend is waiting by the door
- Nobody move–I just lost my contact
- Hey, catch!
- scalpel…sponge…clamp…arc welder
- Was this a man or a woman when it came in?
- Bzzzzt! Hey, why didn’t your nose light up?
- I got my degree from Brown; why do you ask?
Forming an EKG on the field, the Band hopes you never get one of these doctors under your skin.
“I’ve Got You Under My Skin”
(Band forms an EKG which flatlines)
And now, the only band that gets under everyone’s skin…
October 16, 1993
Storming onto the field like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches out, led by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)
Famine. Pestilence. Death. War. No, not next week’s episode of Beavis and Butt-head,
we’re talking about those Apocalyptic jockeys. Take Famine. (“Please. No, really!”) In our never-ending quest to feed the starving masses, the Band offers these simple suggestions to alleviate world hunger: invite friends over to dinner…think about it. Or try the Ethiopian Ultra-Slimfast plan: a shake in January, a sensible meal in June, and another shake in December. (Don’t forget to breathe!) But hey, famine does have its good points; after all, you could actually fit two people into a Butler double…if they hold their breath. Besides, if you haven’t eaten for a month, you have more room for our favorite beverage.
(Band forms a keg)
This just in from New Haven: Pestilence. That’s the Horseman we avoid like the plague. Are you bugged by pestilence? Why not try a large roach motel…we’ve got 1901. If that collapses like an Alabama bridge, try a shot of Plague-Be-Gone.
Or if all else fails, use the top of the Dinky as a bug zapper…we know it works.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms the Dinky)
And now, a Horseman who needs no introduction: it’s the Grim Reaper. How can you tell if you’ve been reaped?
- You have that bloated feeling all month long.
- A rest stop on the Turnpike is named after you.
- You have maggots in all those hard-to-reach places.
- You have a waxen complexion that won’t go away.
- You have that not-so-fresh feeling all the time.
- It feels like your skin is crawling…Oh no! It is crawling!
Forming a coffin, the Band says… “I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In”
(Band forms a coffin, signs say RIP, Grim Reaper kills members)
And now, live from Bosnia…it’s War! Mankind and warefare go way back. The first arms race began with rocks. This led to a counter-weapon, paper, which covers rock. The arms race escalated with the development of scissors to cut paper, until rock smashed scissors, leaving man back where he started. Another notable invention was the catapult. No one knows how many kittens lost their lives to produce that one. Fire, used in the Middle Ages to level towns, is also effective for renovating dorm rooms–try it, you’ll like it. With modern technology, the future is even brighter… Have you ever faxed your professor a letter bomb? You will!
Saluting man’s ingenuity in self-destruction, the Band performs “National Emblem.”
(Band forms a concert shell)
Oh rats! This just in from Europe: Bubonic Plague: 13 million, Europe: nothing.
October 23, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look.
Confused about Cable TV? Can’t find your favorite channels anymore? We can help. The Princeton University Band presents this directory of the new cable lineup for your viewing pleasure. On channel 6, it’s the Menendez Network–when they say “Don’t touch that dial,” don’t
touch that dial! Tune to Channel 9 for the NASA Network: All static, all the time time…available on Pay-Per-View for just $19 billion. Simulcast on channels 7 and 11, it’s the Convenience Store Surveillance Network: You give us 22 minutes, we’ll give you a holdup. Tune to 8, the English Channel–it’s not just for swimming anymore. And for our French-speaking viewers, there’s Chanel No. 5. Finally, on Channel 13, it’s the Michael Jackson Kids Network. Remember kids: everybody needs somebody.
“Everybody Needs Somebody”
(Band forms a TV)
Hey couch potato! Turn off the boob tube already. You’ll go blind doing that! Besides, for real journalism, most turn to newspapers. Where else can you get headlines like:
- Dewey Beats Truman
- Truman Hits Back
- Princeton Crucifies Holy Cross
- Barney and Grimace: Separated at Birth?
- Water recedes–Iowa Found Missing
Forming journalistic integrity on the field, the Band plays “Washington Post.” “Washington Post”
(Band forms a rolled-up newspaper–not a dick)
Our favorite quality newspaper is of course TV Guide.
Check out this week’s issue for shows that didn’t quite make the Fall lineup:
- Family Feud, featuring the Menendez family
- The Frugal Gourmet, with Jeffrey Dahmer
- Soul Train, brought to you by Amtrak
- The Fugitive, starring General Aideed of Somalia
and our favorite,
- 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, starring Mary Jo Koepechne
(Band forms water. Car driving on top crashes, and man in car runs away.
Woman in car sinks below water, then lies motionless on the field.)
This score just in from the Nobel Prize Committee: Princeton 3, Harvard nothing.
October 30, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at things to come.
My, how time flies when you’re having fun! Has it really been a whole year since we bid a fond farewell to George Bush and his merry men? Where are
they now? Oliver North has become the new host of Let’s Make a Deal,
while John Sununu is now the head of USAir’s frequent flier program. George Bush, the head man himself, is now the sushi chef for the Japanese Prime Minister. The late William Casey has retired to his garden, where he is into flowers. Ex-First Dog Millie is the new president of Columbia University. And finally, Dan Quayle is a spell-checker for ETS. Forming the letter ‘e’, the Band salutes those who think at a different speed.
“Baby Elephant Walk”
(Band forms ‘e’)
Speaking of unemployed world leaders, take Mikhail Gorbachev. (“Please. No, really!”) A year later, our favorite Communist leader has turned to Capitalism…with his own line of shaving products: Gorbashave! “The first government shaves incredibly close; the second even closer. I liked it so much, I disbanded the country!” And don’t forget to try Yeltsin Aftershave. It makes you smell like vodka and feel like a million rubles. That’s Yeltsin Aftershave…by Lenin. Saluting Yeltsin’s new government–democracy with a side of tanks, the Band forms the Russian Parliament Building.
(Band forms Russian Parliament, which explodes)
All this change is driving us crazy. Speaking of driving, have you seen the latest models from Detroit? The ’94 model year is underway, and the newest cars feature many exciting new options, such as:
- radio, CD player, and cable TV (one mile cable not included)
- headlights, taillights, fog lights, and disco lights
- for the health-conscious driver, there’s the driver-side Stairmaster and the all-wheel jacuzzi
- included with the new electric car is a warning sign: 11,000 volts–Don’t climb on top!
- regional options to target specific local problems include the Midwest model, now with sandbags which inflate instantly in case of rain, and the L.A. model, now with rear-mounted machine gun, and our favorite new feature, the Clap-On Windshield Wiper–shown here, actual size.
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms a windshield with wiper)
Our favorite part of the car is one that hasn’t changed in years: the backseat. And you know, seatbelts aren’t the only protection used in a car. In just ten years, you too will be able to use one of these special devices:
- The Ginsu Condom: it slices, it dices, it circumcises!
- The IUD: not just a birth control device, it’s also the antenna for your cellular phone
- The Inflatable Diaphragm: in case of emergency, it can be used as a flotation device
- The new and improved RU486, known as the RU586 or Pentium…but it has a slight overheating problem
- and finally, the Economy Sponge: Bounty, “The Quicker Picker Upper”–69% more absorbent than the other leading brand.
All this sounds nice, but maybe it’s safer just to “Dream of Jeannie.” “I Dream of Jeannie”
(Band forms a bottle)
A portion of this halftime show has been made possible by the Princeton University Dining Service. Remember: For all you do, this PUDS for you!
November 6, 1993
The Princeton University Band takes a bite out of crime. Ouch!
The Band would like to reduce crime here in America. How about shipping all of our criminals to Australia–wait, that’s already been done. How about shipping all of our criminals to Philadelphia–wait, that’s already been done. Well, maybe we should stiffen gun control. Before purchasing a gun, prospective buyers should have to answer some simple questions like:
- Do you have a thing for Jodie Foster?
- How do you like your job at the Post Office?
- Is your last name “Menendez”?
- When you look out the window of your book depository, do you see a grassy knoll?
Forming a loaded weapon, the Band asks, “Is your gun controlled”? “Peter Gunn”
(Band forms a gun, trash members shoot from gun and die on field)
Speaking of a loose cannon, take the Penn professor who has been accused of seducing minors. (“Please. No, really!”) Hundreds of freshman guys are protesting his arrest; their rallying cry: “He’s been like a father to us!” Even superstar Michael Jackson is coming to his aid and lending a hand. This professor has even hired a young lawyer from Penn Law to get him off…scot free. Forming a lollipop, the Band overhears him asking “Hey little boy, do you want some candy?” (Censored: …the Band overhears him asking “Hey little boy, wanna Blow Pop?”)
“My Favorite Things”
(Band forms a lollipop)
You might think that this professor is your worst nightmare. But wait! There’s so much more!
- Your television receives only one channel…and it’s the all-Barney network
- Captain Hazelwood is trying to parallel park the Exxon Valdez in your backyard
- Star Trek VII…written and directed by William Shatner
- Yassir Arafat in a thong
- The Penn Band
The Band forms our worst nightmare: Quayle in ’94…no–make that ’96.
“Phantom of the Opera”
(Band forms a campaign button which says “Quayle e ’94” then changes to ’96)This halftime show has been dedicated to Mitch Williams…the hero of Philadelphia.
November 13, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents: “Universitatis Princetoniensis: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!”
Back in the dawn of time, when God was still an undergraduate, Princeton was a very different place. For example, students bickered hunting and gathering clubs. McCosh prescribed leeches and blood-letting instead of Sudafed. And students took courses such as:
- Math 371: Zero with Applications
- Architecture 101: Building Campus
- Politics 200: The Pillage and Burn
- History 372: The American Revolution with hands-on lab (this course meets the P.E. requirement)
- Religion 101: Why Yours is Wrong
and the most popular class, Alchemy 201: Changing Lead into Gold, shown here, actual size. “The Old Gumbie Cat”
(Band forms ‘Pb’, changes it to ‘Au’)
But how does Princeton compare with yale? Princeton students are extremely familiar with Plato, Newton, and Marx, while yale students are extremely familiar with…their bulldog. All yale students are English majors, while Princeton students are required to have a full command of the English language before
admission. Princeton students need to go to the Street for the clubs, while yale students needs clubs to go down the street. Princeton students look at problems concerning the world today, while yale students look…a lot like the bulldog. Hey yalies, have you given your bulldog a bone lately?
“Friend Like Me”
(Band forms a bone)
What of tomorrow’s Princeton? It’s the year 2001, and the future is now. Replacing the old Dinky is a new and improved Mag-Lev Dinky, but you still
can’t climb on top. James Hogue, a.k.a. Alexi Indris-Santana, is the Dean of Admissions, and the University is famous for the Woodrow Wilson School of Intergalactic Affairs. Of course, traditions are still important on campus. For instance, the first snowfall of nuclear winter is celebrated with the Nude Olympics (sunblock #100 recommended). But what will become of yale? As New Haven’s horrifying deterioration continues, students will no longer apply
to yale–they’ll be drafted.
Yes, it’s 2001, and yale has gone to the dogs.
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms upside-down ‘Y’ and flashes)
ITS LIKE HELL
KILL THE ELIS
Tune in for next week’s feature entitled: “A Day in the Life of a yalie,” or “The Voyage of the Damned.”
November 20, 1993
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at things that were cut.
Speaking of things that were cut, take the Superconducting Supercollider. (“Please. No, really!”) Why was funding for the SSC cut?
- accelerated particles break the federal speed limit
- it made everyone dizzy
- spontaneous human combustion
- it was built, but NASA lost it
- you can split the atom, but you still can’t cook an egg on it
- couldn’t find a big enough rubber band to start it
- had trouble shifting out of second
and the real reason: all garage doors in a fifty mile radius opened whenever it was turned on. Watch as the Band plays “Another One Bites the Dust” as conducted by our own Supercolliding Superconductor…with pie! (Conductor is pied.) “Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms Supercollider, trash members re-enact atomic collisions)
No discussion of things that were cut would be complete without mentioning that sensational trial. You know, the one where the wife went after her husband with a knife. We can’t say exactly
what happened, but let’s just say that someone is missing something very…important. Her husband, whom we’ll call Richard, lost his head completely. In fact, he went to pieces over it. Over to you Dick. Oh, sorry; Dick’s not here right now, but he’ll be back later. Richard’s wife took her prize for a joyride, and threw it out of her car window. Fortunately, search parties found it. Doctors reunited Richard, and say that if he is not completely satisfied, he can return the unused portion for a full refund, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “keep the tip.” And remember, membership has its privileges. Forming a search party, the Band plays “Hit the Road, Jack.”
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms road, trash members form search parties)
How could we do a show on things that were cut without mentioning the New Hampshire state slogan? The Band has found this list of slogans that lost out to “Live Free or Die.”
- Try our maple syrup or die
- New Hampshire: sometimes it’s sunny
- New Hampshire: there’s still a few sheep left
- America ends here
- You’ve got a friend who’s heard of New Hampshire
- New Hampshire: like Vermont, but upside-down
- New Hampshire: it doesn’t smell funny anymore
- New Hampshire: it’s on the way to Maine
- New Hampshire: home of the giant sucking sound
- New Hampshire: you’re soaking in it
and finally, “New Hampshire: we have an airport, I think.” Saluting a state that we all want to leave, the Band plays “Night Train.” “Night Train”
(Band forms New Hampshire)
And now for Papa Bear Jack Hontz, President Sue “Chaste Little” Berube, Student Conductor Wolff “Old Nass Forever” Dobson, and Drum Major Amy “Death is Always Funny” Szuchmacher, this has been your announcer Eric “I’m not Rob” Peskin, Class of ‘93.5 on your FM dial, reminding you that you’re all….weird! Goodnight.
THE DARTMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 20, 1993
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)