The Band’s announcer for the 1994 football season was Paul Cernota ’95.
CORNELL September 17, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, rowing onto the field like refugees fleeing Cuba, it’s the Princeton University Band! Band begins rowing out to “Hawaii 5-0″(Announcer interrupts) Look out Band! It’s the U.S. Coast Guard! (Band stops rowing and starts running)So why were all the Cubans fleeing to the U.S.? The Band’s research has turned up the top five reasons for the Cuban exodus:
and the Number One reason Cubans are fleeing to the U.S.: Heard that Cornell admits anyone! For those Cubans determined to attempt the perilous journey, the Band suggests that they remember to bring a copy of Fodor’s Guide to Refugee Camps on Ten Dollars a Day, and their favorite controlled substance–after all, the easiest way to elude the Coast Guard is to be a drug smuggler. Saluting President Clinton’s on-again, off-again, open-door, closed-door Cuban Immigration Policy, the Band forms a revolving door and says, “I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In.” “I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In” (Band forms a revolving door) The Florida coastline wasn’t the only place bombarded by alien forces this summer. The Shoemaker-Levy Comet hit Jupiter with the force of 50 million megatons–or the amount of fiber in just one bowl of Total. Some confused Cornell administrators even ordered a campus evacuation when they heard that the comet was expected to demolish the Big Red…Spot. Astronomers now say that some of the comet fragments missed Jupiter, and are headed straight for Earth! Not to worry, though; President Clinton has announced a new immigration policy: any comet fragments attempting to reach the U.S. mainland will be intercepted and held at Guantanamo Bay. Forming Jupiter, the Band shows that Woodstock isn’t the only place that got “rocked around the clock.” “Rock Around the Clock” (Band forms Jupiter bombarded by comet) Speaking of big blowouts, we’d like to congratulate Cornell on today’s homecoming celebration. The Big Red has a lot to be proud of. For example, in 1609, visiting Professor Gallileo discovered that a heavy student and a light student jumping into a gorge both slam into the rocks below at the same time. Another Cornell milestone was the creation of the School of Animal Husbandry; we’re proud to salute all the animal husbands in the audience today. But the most important date in Cornell’s history is the 1948 founding of the School of Hotel Management, made possible by Ellsworth M. Statler’s generous donation of 100,000 miniature bars of soap. Forming a miniature soap, the Band salutes Cornell: one of the finest institutions of higher education…in Ithaca. “Gumbie Cat” (Band forms Ivory Soap, trash blows bubbles) It’s time now for another lucky program giveaway. Please turn to page 69 of your program. If Drum Major Ed Baier has signed the Statler Hotel ad, you win…the Statler Hotel!
- Gotta keep up with the Haitians
- Cuban TV didn’t have enough O.J. Simpson coverage
- Zaire closed its borders
- On their way to Woodstock
COLGATE September 24, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, crumbling onto the field like Palmer Stadium, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” What goes up, must come down. Consider Palmer Stadium. The eighty year-old structure is going to pieces…literally. But don’t worry; with every game ticket, you will get your very own souvenier hard hat. And those lucky spectators in section fifteen may carry their seats home with them. Yesterday, the University announced that Palmer will be demolished. Until a new stadium is completed, football games will be played at one of the following underutilized sites:
- Hal Shapiro’s office
- the T.I. library
- oh-so-convenient Lot 21
- the Varsity Wrestling training room, or
- the Reserve Room…
and the number one statement overheard from a freshman:
- I love living in Forbes…it’s right in the middle of everything.
- Ahhh…Wa dogs!
- It’s not a keg…it’s a means of egress.
- I’m going to the U-Store…they’re having a sale!
Saluting all those right-handed men in the Class of ’98, the Band plays “Friend Like Me.” “Friend Like Me” (Band forms ’98’) Remember, four out of five campus recruiters recommended Crest over Colgate as a worthwhile educational experience. The original second joke was cut in its entirety by the censors: Speaking of falling down, take USAir Flight 427. (“Please. No, really!”) USAir may not be the safest airline, but look at the bright side. There’s hardly ever a line at USAir ticket counters, and window seats are always available. They’ve even gotten a great new slogan: “We get you on the ground faster.” Plus, on many flights, they deliver you straight to your final destination. And no more waiting at the baggage claim; when you arrive, your luggage is right there!….and there…and there…and there. Seriously though, government investigators have discovered these possible causes for the crash:
- Hi! I’m a freshman. Wanna go out with me?
- ran out of fuel waiting for Denver Airport to open
- shot down after straying into Soviet airspace
- pilot thought he saw Elvis
- overshot the White House
- stewardess spilled McDonald’s scalding hot coffee on pilot
BUCKNELL October 1, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Band takes a long hard look at Unnatural Selection. “Princeton Forward” We all know Princeton was your first choice, but don’t think your options ended there. Sooner or later, you’ll have to join a club. And one of them will have to choose you. It’s bicker time and the rules keep changing. It all started when DEC combined the sign-ins and bicker processes to form “Semi-Bicker,” or “Snicker.” Now the other clubs are restless and are considering these selection methods:
- There’s the Slow Bicker, also known as the “Slicker” process
- Lenient Bicker, T.I.’s favorite, is nicknamed “Liquor”
- Finally, there’s Deviant Bicker…..you get the point.
There are plenty of course opportunities at Princeton following the opening of several new departments. These include the Fire Department, located in Blair Hall, and the Department of Dining Services, offering your first course, soup, followed by your second course, salad. Sadly, Architecture 307, How to Build a Student Center, will not be offered this decade. Forming the progress on the new campus center, the Band reminds you that a new center will always be one day away. “Tomorrow” (Band forms amorphous blob) The Woodrow Wilson School has a difficult choice. Who should they pick to replace recently-departed Dean Bienen? (Band members yell “Pick Me! Pick Me!”) How about Woodrow Wilson? (Band members look disappointed.) No; he’s unlikely to make any controversial decisions. Maybe they will choose President Clinton? Maybe not; all his affairs were domestic. And then the Wilson School could ask Bob Vila. That man really knows how to use his tools. But what if nobody accepts the appointment? The school would need to place help-wanted ads, like the following:
- Math 101
- How to use Voice Mail
- Architecture 205
- Where is my Room? (Required for Tiger Pizza delivery personnel)
- Public Safety 204
- The Obstacle Course: How to get onto Campus
WWS needs PhD with ability to BS. Should own pool cleaning equipment. Strong interest in Turkish studies, Moroccan affairs, or rich princes a plus. Interested applicants should call 8-3825 and ask for Hal.“Call Me” (Band forms phone) If you thought finding a Dean was tough, try finding a place to land. Of all the places to land, someone chose the White House, and Security officials are busy deciding which of the following caused the crash:
- The pilot ran out of fuel waiting for Denver Airport to open
- Dan Quayle was making his last desperate attempt to get into the White House
- Arkansas Dominos was trying to deliver a pizza in under 30 minutes
- The pilot spilled McDonald’s scalding hot coffee on himself
- It was a well-planned attack by the vanguard of the Haitian Air Force. No, wait. It was the entire Haitian Air Force.
BROWN October 8, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, swaggering onto the field like overpaid baseball players, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band rolls off, then starts swaggering onto field without playing)Oh wait, we’re on strike. (Band runs onto field)It’s Parents Day at the Princeton-Brown game, which brings to mind our two school’s most-famous sons: Lyle and Eric Menendez. Fortunately for Lyle, the transition to jail life has not been too shocking…yet. Princeton taught him not to walk out the front gate, and now that’s not even a problem. Actually, Lyle enjoys prison much more than Princeton. In jail, his room’s bigger, the food’s better, and his roommate doesn’t puke all the time. Even from the slammer, Lyle upholds the tradition of “Princeton in the Nation’s Service.” Saluting Lyle’s service to the nation, besides twenty-to-life, the Band forms a license plate. “Live and Let Die” (Band forms a license plate that reads ‘TIGER’, changes to ‘LIFER’) Last week, workers were cleaning and refinishing the statue “Oval with Points.” And like how most things on campus respond to change, it exploded. After Oval with Points split open, workers were surprised to find:
- the clapper
- a jelly cream center
- Jimmy Hoffa
- and scrunched in the bottom: Rhode Island.
we suggest that Public Safety post signs saying: “Danger! Artwork Ahead! 10,000 pounds pressure! Do not climb on top!” “Birdland” Not many people know that Elvis got his start at Princeton playing such songs as “Ain’t Nothin’ But a Wa Dog,” and “Heartburn Hotel,” a touching ballad in honor of Dining Services. In tribute to the King of Princeton, a new student organization, PELVIS, or “Princeton for Elvis,” has thrust onto the scene, determined to change the ins and outs of campus life. In response to demands from PELVIS, administrators will grow longer sideburns and The Prince will be replaced by The National Enquirer, so that students can keep up on the daily events in Elvis’ life. Finally, in the Ivy tradition of “The Big Green,” and “The Big Red,” Princeton’s mascot will now be…. “The Fighting Blue Suede.” Forming Elvis’ blue suede shoe on the field, the Band proves that if you play it, he will come. “Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms a shoe, Elvis Presley appears and gyrates around field) Can we have your attention please? PELVIS has left the field.
- Oval with Points
- The number of baseball games you saw this month
- Bill Clinton’s popularity rating
- Oval with Points…today (Band splits)
- A plaid doughnut
- the Brown band
FORDHAM October 15, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at things that were withdrawn. “Princeton Forward” In light of Howard Stern’s early withdrawal from the governor’s race, we propose an equally-qualified candidate: David Letterman. Here’s Dave’s Top Ten reasons why he should be governor:
and the #1 reason David Letterman should be governor of New York: with Paul Shafer, he would form the world’s most dangerous government. “New York, New York” (Band forms New York) Speaking of withdrawal, take General Raoul Cedras. (“Please. No, really!”) This week, Cedras withdrew from his dictatorship of Haiti, all thanks to former President Jimmy Carter. What did Carter offer Cedras to convince the dictator to leave? Could it have been:
- Move the state capital to Sioux City, Iowa
- Stupid Human Tricks–oh wait, they already have the legislature
- Political opponents? No problem: STEAM ROLLER!
- Canned ham for everyone!
- Crazy lady could break into governor’s mansion
- Would have Tasty McDonald’s Fries with Bill Clinton
- “You can’t give me a speeding ticket; I’m the guv’nuh”
- Have CBS actress Angela Landsbury get tough on crime
- Promises a new Disney park on Ellis Island
- a lifetime supply of Georgia peanuts?
- a safe haven…in Cuba?
- a luxury apartment in the South Bronx?
HAHVAHD The 75th Birthday Show October 22, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, joining with its alumni to celebrate its 75th Birthday, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at Princeton, ourselves, and Harvard, or “The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly.” “Princeton Forward” In The Beginning, there was nothing. Void, without meaning. Kind of like…Harvard. Then God, Princeton Class of ‘0, said “Let there be plaid.” And there was plaid. Orange and black plaid. And God saw it was good. The plaid begat the Band, and the Band begat the scramble, shown here, actual size. Earlier, Princeton and Rutgers had created the football game. Now God parted the first half of the game from the second half, and the Princeton Band crossed the void between the halves. Thus was born the first college football marching band. Forming 75 years of music, marching, mirth, and merriment, the Band reminds you of God’s Eleventh Commandment: “Though shalt not send thy children to Harvard.” “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” (Band forms ’75’) Speaking of Princeton milestones, the University’s 250th birththday is not far away. To help you prepare, the Band has compiled this brief history of Princeton University:
Forming Blair Hall, the Band pays tribute to the only building on campus that’s also a heat-producing appliance. “Phantom of the Opera” (Band forms Blair Hall) If you thought Princeton’s been around for a while, take Harvard. (“Please. No, really!”) Even after 350 years, Harvard’s still trying to get it right. For example:
- The College of New Jersey is founded
- Students agitate for a campus center
- Tiger mascot is attacked by Cornell Fife and Drum Corp
- Palmer Stadium erected
- Palmer Stadium starts falling down
- Blair Hall burns
- Blair Hall burns
- At Princeton, scientists labor to unlock the secret of fusion, while at Harvard, scientists labor to unlock…their cars.
- Princeton graduates lots of Secretaries of State, while Harvard graduates lots of…secretaries.
- Princeton’s Ralph Nader is one of our country’s greatest consumer advocates, while Harvard’s Timothy Leary was one of our country’s greatest….consumers.
- After Princeton, Bill Bradley drove the lane and later became a Senator…while at Harvard, Teddy Kennedy became a Senator, but couldn’t drive in lane.
COLUMBIA October 29, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Band takes a long hard look at the rise of civilization. At first, there was chaos. (Band scrambles onto field)Then six million years ago, man first appeared. These were early Neanderthals, known today as Penn students. They had little order or purpose in their lives, kinda like today’s Harvard students. Later we saw the development of tools, who now attend yale. Other evolutionary paths in society included the early innkeepers who are now at Cornell, the early shepherds who now frequent Dartmouth, and those would just couldn’t make the grade are now at Brown. Forming survival of the fittest on the field, the Band salutes our forefathers. “Flintstones” (Band forms amorphuous blob) Civilization could not have progressed without energy sources such as steam. Not many people realize steam gave us such great inventions as:
- The Steam-Powered Q-Tip: it goes in one ear, and out the other
- The Steam-Powered Pacemaker: warning–may cause heartburn
- The Steam-Powered Ginsu Knife: it slices, it dices, it vaporizes!
- And the Steam-Powered University President: you know they’re always full of hot air
PENN November 5, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at the SATs. OOPS! Too late for you, Penn! (Band scrambles onto field) Question 1: Analogies Quality education is to the University of Pennsylvania as:
Forming multiple choice on the field, the Princeton Univ–Hey Penn Band! Keep your eyes on your own paper! “William Tell” (Band forms four empty circles and one filled-in) Question 2: Sentence Completion I went to Penn because…
- Day is to night
- Rolls Royce is to Yugo
- Filet Mignon is to Philly Cheesesteak
- The 82nd airborne is to the Haitian airforce
- The Penn Band
Forming G, none of the above, the Band demonstrates one way to forget you’re at Penn. “Little Brown Jug” (Band forms ‘G’) Question 3: Reading Comprehension Listen carefully to the following passage:
- It’s a good quality school
- I didn’t get into Princeton
- I didn’t get into Delaware County Community College
- Circus didn’t want me
- I’m too ugly for beauty school
- The Penn Band
I will not eat green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am.In the above passage, the green eggs represent:
Forming angst on the field, the Band reminds Penn students that random and haphazard guessing is unlikely to improve your score…divine intervention may be required. “Jesus Christ Superstar” (Band forms angst) Remember Penn applicants: you get 400 points just for signing your name.
- The Republic of Ireland
- The essential meaningless of life in today’s alienated society
- The egg salad you left in the fridge last week
- Pluribus Unum
- The Penn Band
THE YALE SHOW THAT NEVER WAS November 12, 1994(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
YALE November 12, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at rejection. “Princeton Forward” Everyone’s experienced rejection, some more than others. Take yale. (“Please. No, really!”) Before deciding on the motto, “For God, For Country, and For yale,” these mottos were considered, and rejected:
- For God, For Country, and For Sale
- For God, For Country, and for another minute, add 25 cents
- For God, For Country, and For No Apparent Reason
- For God, For Country, and FORTY BUCKS??!
- the do-do bird
- the infectious tropical disease
- the Chia Pet
- the fighting Blue Cheese, and let’s not forget
- the yale padlock
- Coming Soon to Sega Genesis: Super Menendez Brothers
- American Gladiators: the Family Edition
- John Wayne Bobbit Doll–some parts sold separately
- Hooked on Phonics…and a few other things by Marion Barry
- And especially for yale students, your very own Roach Motel
- replacing Vice President Al Gore with Dan Quayle
- moving the President to a safer part of the world…like the Middle East
- covering him with a latex body condom
- place an intercom outside the White House repeating: “The President has left the building. There is nothing to see here. Please disperse.”
DARTMOUTH November 19, 1994Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at fortune. “Princeton Forward” Ahh, fortune. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Lately for Bill Clinton, it’s been bad. After this month’s Republican landslide, what will Bill Clinton do for the next two years? He might:
- take up horticulture…spend more time cultivating flowers
- one word: inhale
- go whitewater rafting
- develop Alzheimer’s, just like President what’s-his-name
- run errands for Bob Dole
- The Hanover Lottery: the lucky winner gets a one-way ticket out of town
- The Congressional Lottery: if your ticket starts with a ‘D’, you lose
- The California State Lottery: where last week’s winning number was 1-8-7. (Illegal aliens and their families are not eligible to play.)