The Band’s announcer for the 1995 football season was Robert Wright ’97.
September 16, 1995
And now, taking the field like a band that has better things to do than spending every waking moment learning how to march back and forth: The Princeton University Band.
The Band welcomes the Class of 1999 to Princeton. This class is so large, there’s not enough dorm rooms to go around, forcing a search for extra housing. For example, students could live in President Shapiro’s office–but only during office hours. Or how about a Butler double; there’s always more room in the But. We could put some freshmen in cryogenic suspension, making them the first members of the Class of 2099. Wisely, the University passed on these ideas, and instead leased some mobile homes. Saluting Princeton’s new trailer park, the Band forms a tornado magnet.
“U.S. Airforce March” (a.k.a “Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder”)
(Band forms a horseshoe magnet. Trash “tornadoes” onto the field and is pulled into the magnet)
So why did
so many freshmen come to Princeton this year? We polled the Class of ’99 and found the following reasons:
- (censored: couldn’t get into Hahvahd after killing mommy)
- heard that Cloister Inn is accepting freshmen
- Dean Hargadorn’s just a guy who can’t say “no”
- couldn’t make it through Citadel “Hell Week”
- (censored: heard no one’s died on Outdoor Action…recently)
- two words: Wa Dogs
But by far the most popular reason was that they wanted to meet those hot Women of the Ivy League
. Saluting the U-Store’s top-selling magazine, the Band forms a centerfold.
(Band forms magazine, centerfold opens to reveal a tiger in a suggestive pose)
Speaking of strange bedfellows, take this Summer’s merger of Walt Disney and ABC. (“Please. No, really!”) Still more mergers are on the way, including the L.A.P.D. and Public Safety: they dare
you to call Lockout now; the U.S.G. and the Muppets, creating the greatest puppet show on Earth; and the U-Store and Parker Brothers–Monopoly: it’s more than just a game. But the biggest merger of all is Home Depot and Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School, letting you find all your tools under one giant roof. Forming our second-favorite tool, the Band hammers the Woodrow Wilson School.
“Phantom of the Opera”
(Band forms a hammer)
Run away Band; it’s the Cornell drum section!
September 23, 1995
Bouncing onto the field like an overdrawn check, it’s the Princeton University Band.
The following joke was cut in its entirety by the censors:
Last week, the University and New Jersey Transit finally settled with Dinky-climber B.J. Miller for a considerable sum. What could Mr. Miller do with all that money? We have a few suggestions:
Forming the value of personal responsibility, the Band salutes Princeton’s newest millionaire alumnus.
“Miller Time” (Band forms ‘6.0’)
- buy an electric train set
- Post-It Notes saying “Danger, 10,000 Volts”
- buy a copy of AC/DC’s Greatest Hits
- start a new fraternity: Zappa Alpha Pi
- keg party!
- a lifetime supply of rubber-soled shoes
Have you see the price of a Princeton thesis lately? We know of one student who’s invested a lot…in rewriting the Honor Code. Lending a hand, we offer these possible wordings for the new Honor Pledge:
- I certify that the money used for this thesis was obtained in accordance with University regulations.
- I pledge that I have not violated the Honor Committee during this exam.
- I plead the Fifth.
- I pledge that this signature represents my own work in accordance with University regulations.
- I pledge that I have not violated the Honor Code…until now.
Forming a thesis, the Band presents this helpful advice for the Class of ’96: always keep your receipt.
“Pomp and Circumstances” segues into “Kiss Him Goodbye”
(Band forms a thesis, a receipt falls out at segue)
Speaking of forced withdrawals, take Senator Bob Packwood. (“Please. No, really!”) Pretty soon, the ex-Senator will have a lot of time on his hands. We hear that he’s considering some exciting new careers, including a job as new Ad Director for Calvin Klein, or working as a photographer for Women of the Ivy League II
. Maybe he could handle his own secretarial pool, or he could become the fashion consultant for the movie Showgirls
. Forming Senator Packwood’s pension, the Band reminds Bob to “Watch where you’re stuffing those dollar bills!”
“Gimme Some Lovin'”
(Band forms a dollar sign)
Senator Packwood may have a tidy nest egg, but the rest of the government is strapped for cash. The budget’s in trouble, and Congress is trying to save some bucks. Last week, they voted to:
- replace Air Force One with a Geo Metro
- substitute Star Trek reruns for space shuttle flights
- save on Medicare by appointing new Surgeon General Jack Kevorkian
- and to raise money by selling Senate seats, if there are any left unsold
Forming the Senate retirement home, the Band suggests that you bribe a senator now…before they’re all gone.
(Band forms a jail)
Money’s tight all over, and even your U-Store card has its limits. But when your old cards lose their charge, just replace them. You can use the new AT&T 1-900 PhoneCard to really reach out and touch someone, and the Exxon Card to buy gasoline by the tankful…or the tankerful. And for cost-cutters, there’s the Lorena Bobbit credit card: it slices, it dices, it economizes! Forming a credit card, the Band says: “The check’s in the mail.”
(Band forms a credit card)
Turning from checks that bounce to people, how about that Miss America pageant? In the spirit of this year’s competition, the Band is reconsidering the swimsuit portion of our weekly halftime show. Forming a telephone, the Band invites you to call in your vote by dialing 1-900-36-22-36.
(Band forms a telephone handset)
Sorry, Band; the votes are in. Keep it on. Keep it all
September 30, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, invading the field like the Hamilton Police Department, it’s the Princeton University Band.
We hear the Hamilton Police have arrived on campus, and they’re so
popular, Colgate University is changing its name…to “Police Academy.” You know, the Hamilton Police are following in the footsteps (and speedtraps) of a long line of law enforcement officers–even as far back as prehistoric times, when the Ten Most Wanted
list only went up to six. Of course, the police had it tougher back then, before the invention of the donut. There were no plainclothes officers because, well, there were no clothes. Fingerprinting was a challenge without opposable digits. And even back then, the police had to endure the N.R.A. (or “National Rock Association”) reminding them that “Big heavy rocks don’t kill people, people
kill people.” Saluting prehistoric crime fighters, the Band forms a big heavy rock.
“Rock Around the Clock”
(Band forms a big heavy rock)
Of course, when the Hamilton Police aren’t busy writing speeding tickets and issuing summonses for disturbing the peace, they do
provide some much-needed protection. Still, the Band’s favorite crime buster is The Club
. And there are so many new versions for the ’90s:
- You can protect your sandwich from thieves with The Turkey Club
- Protect your telephone with The Rotary Club
- You’ll never again say “Leggo My Eggo” when you have The Breakfast Club
- We can replace the U.S. Army with The Country Club
- To protect your valuable furs, try The Baby Harp Seal Club
- And when walking down the dark streets of Hamilton, we recommend The Night Club
Saluting Hamilton’s night life, the Band forms the only club you’ll find after dark.
(Band forms The Club
The Band is honored to be present on this auspicious occasion. No, not Parent’s Weekend, but the installation of Hamilton’s third traffic light. It’s one giant step for traffic safety, but a setback for Colgate’s Varsity Drag Racing Team. Saluting New York’s 374th largest city, the Band forms a traffic light.
“Basin Street Blues”
(Band forms a traffic light, music stops and starts as light changes)
Slow down Band; it’s a speed trap!
October 7, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, marching onto the field with more plaid than the Scottish National Guard, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Now that Ross Perot’s started the trend, everyone wants to form a political party of their own, including some pretty famous people. Just this week, the Band was solicited by:
- The Party formerly known as Prince (trash member flips up sign showing Prince symbol)
- The Donner Party: B.Y.O.B. (trash member flips up sign showing stylized fork)
- The 89-Second Party: Mike Tyson will run for office, but only in an uncontested election (trash member falls down)
- The Michael Jackson Slumber Party (trash member flips up sign showing white glove)
(censored: The Family Values Party, led by Lyle and Erik Menendez: they have a solution for Social Security; trash member flips up sign showing a shotgun)
- The Brown band (trash member flips up sign showing arrow pointing to Brown band)
Forsaking all these lost causes, the Band reminds you that there’s always Marion Barry, one politician who really knows how to party. “Miller Time”
(Band forms a concert arc)
What’s a party without pizza and some drinks? Oh no, Band! You went to Papa Gino’s. Time for a surprise test; let’s see if you get an ‘A’. While Papa Gino’s customers try to recover, the restaurant tries to recover its clientele with these new slogans:
- You’ll never believe what we’e putting on pizza now
- Delivery in one-half hour, or your ambulance ride is free
- Everything you wanted in a pizza…and more
- You’ve tried the rest, now die–I mean dine–with the best
Forming a pizza, the Band reminds you that October’s topping of the month is E. Coli.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms a pizza with pepperoni that flip over to reveal viruses)
Even if the thought of pizza makes you sick, you’ll always be able to buy medicine with the new Brown Card
. In addition, this valuable card can be used as a personal flotation device by residents of Hegemon Tower, and sharpening the edges makes it a Deadly Ninja Throwing Card
. If you put it in your bicycle wheel, the card goes “thwack thwack thwack.” And students who use it often receive Brownie Points, qualifying them for the more exclusive and crispy Golden Brown Card
. But best of all, if you can figure out how to convert flex points to dollars and shekels, you pass Econ 101! Withdrawing from our account, the Band forms a declining balance.
(Band forms a dollar sign, which shrinks during song)
Ding dong–pizza delivery.
October 14, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, this show has been certified 100% O.J.-free. Ooops–make that 99%.
It’s Freshmen Parents Day, and all week long, members of the Class of ’99 have been trying to answer one important question: once Mom and Dad have met your roommate, what will
you do with them? Always willing to lend a hand, the Band has some helpful suggestions:
Do take them on a tour of the Art Museum
Don’t take them on a tour of the STEAM TUNNELS
Do take Mom to the U-Store to buy Princeton postcards
Don’t let Dad buy Women of the Ivy League
Do introduce them to the cute squirrel outside your room
Don’t introduce them to the party animals next door; and
Do take them surfing on the Net
Don’t take them Dinky Surfing
Forming a ’99’, the Band reminds the freshman parents that they’ll always be loved…especially when it’s time to pay the bills.
“Everybody Needs Somebody”
(Band forms ’99’)
Yes, no matter how insignificant you are, someone, somewhere, needs you. Take Vice President Al Gore. (“Please. No, really!”) While Bill Clinton’s been making the headlines, Al’s been pretty busy, too. As Vice President, he has many important duties, like:
- taking Socks to the vet
- inhaling…since Bill still doesn’t
- pumping gas for Air Force One
- taping E.R. when Bill’s away
- mowing the grass next to the Information Superhighway
- managing Clinton’s appointment calendar…just like the Arkansas State Troopers used to
- at National Security Council meetings, he brings the pizza; and,
- once each day, he empties the White House ashtrays.
Saluting the Vice President, the Band forms an ashtray, shown here, actual size.
“You Can Call Me Al”
(Band forms an ashtray, complete with smoking cigarette prop. Drum Major “cleans” ash tray with broom.)
(Band runs off and re-forms in the endzone. Band has removed jackets and boaters, revealing red sashes; berets are optional.)
Sacre bleu, it is ze Band de Lafayette!
(Band random precision marches into the next formation)
You may have noticed that ze Band de Lafayette is rarely seen at football games. Why? Because we prefer ze European flavor of soccer, a sport with a certain…je ne sais quos. Soccer’s better than football in so many ways; for example:
- the American’s haven’t beaten us in soccer…yet
- we like to show off ze legs
- there’s more heading
- the Super Bowl halftime show makes me toss my escargot; and,
- if you screw up in football, you’re traded; if you screw up in the World Cup, you’re dead.
Forming a soccer ball, ze Band reminds you: look twice before you kick that goal.
(Band forms a soccer ball, Drum Major receives a red card and is ejected)
(Band random precision marches into the next formation)
Speaking of deadly games, take nuclear testing. (“S’il vous plait. Non, vraiment!”) Despite worldwide opposition, our beloved France has resumed testing nuclear bombs. “Why?” you ask. There are so many good reasons:
- France needs to defend itself from power-hungry Greenpeace
- we don’t like the way Belgium looked at us
- our bombs say “Best if used by March 1996”
- pretty colors…oooh
- there are too many Pacific islands anyway
- we’re doing our part for evolution
- bomb envy
- we wanted to smoke some ‘shrooms
- Charles de Gaulle would have wanted it that way; and,
- We’re a superpower. Really! We are!
Forming a mushroom cloud, ze Band reminds you that “fusion is the language of loooovve.”
(Band forms mushroom cloud, fire extinguishers provide smoke)
Lafayette! We have returned!
October 21, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, speeding onto the field like congressional progress, it’s the Princeton University Band. (long pause) No? Try this: Flying onto the field like charges of sexual misconduct on Capitol Hill, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Let’s start with the U.S. Congress. To enliven dull sessions, maybe they could take their cues from sports. For example, put a forty-five second shot clock on speeches. Institute a penalty box for misconduct: “Senator Packwood: 2 minutes, holding.” And get children interested in goverment by selling Congressional Trading Cards: each pack comes with a stick of pork. Forming a Congressional Trading Card, the Band says “Collect all 535, including the rare Strom Thurmond rookie card.”
“National Emblem” (Band forms a Congressional Trading Card, complete with stats) YEAS 421
After watching T.V. for the past year, it seems to us that the American justice system is one big game. Well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: let’s replace the judicial system with T.V. game shows!
- Replace Divorce Court with Family Feud
- Lawyers can object, Double Dare or take the physical challenge
- Instead of appeals, you can Press Your Luck
- Who needs a tedious jury selection….You–in row 23! Come on down!
In fact, who needs a jury at all? They spend so little time making a decision, we might as well just choose a verdict by spinning the Wheel of Fortune, shown here, actual size.
(Band forms Wheel of Fortune, with spinning signs: a noose, $5000, FREE SPIN, and ALCATRAZ)
Speaking of going around in circles, take the U.S. Presidency. (“Please. No, really!”) The whole election system needs to be overhauled. For example, let’s replace the lengthy and boring primaries with March Madness
…sorry Alabama, but your voters are academically ineligible this year. Or just let Publisher’s Clearing House
run the election: YOU may already be the next president! And let’s make the National Conventions more exciting by combining them with MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES!
“We’ve filled the Republican National Convention with 50,000 pounds of MUD
MUD mud!! Perfect for SLINGING
SLINGING slinging!!” Forming a Monster Truck Rally, the Band casts its vote…for TRUCKASAURUS.
“We’re an American Band”
(Band forms a Monster Truck Rally, two trucks battle it out)
Run away Band! It’s Teddy Kennedy…and he’s driving a monster truck!
October 28, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University “Midterm Break Elite Strike Force” Band lends the senior class a hand in getting a job.
To land a great job, you’ll need a great resumé. While the Class of ’96 is busy padding their resumés, the Band suggests they leave off a couple of things. First of all, don’t
mention your high grades in Bartending 101 and Pig Latin 203. Second, the Nude Olympics is not
a varsity sport. Third, getting a high score in Tetris
the same as “computer expertise.” Fourth, don’t
mention you were named to First Team All-Street Robopound 1993-94-95.
you do, don’t mention your previous work experience with Princeton’s Student Moving Agency.
Saluting the care shown by our friends at the Student Moving Agency,
the Band wishes them good luck by forming a table, and saying “break a leg.”
“Friend Like Me” (Band forms a table, on punchline the people in legs fall down)
With a great resumé in hand, you’re ready for your interview. We have a couple of tips:
- When you arrive at the interview, don’t request a chair for your “imaginary friend.”
- Maintain good eye contact, but do not maintain full body contact.
Don’t compliment the interviewer on his toupee.
- When asked about your career goals, do not refer to “taking over the world.”
- Be very suspicious of questions about your ability to sort mail.
- Don’t ask “Did you see me last night on America’s Most Wanted?”
mention your previous managerial experience…except if it was somewhere you had to wear a paper hat. Demonstrating our
managerial experience, the Band forms McDonald’s golden arches, and asks “you want fries with that?”
“Virgin de la Macarena” (Band forms the golden arches)
Congratulations! You aced the interview and got the job! Here are a couple of pointers for that all-important first day at work:
- Take cover if a disgruntled former employee walks in…and your new job is at the Post Office.
- It’s a bad sign if, when the regulators show up, your boss tells you to “Eat these documents.”
Don’t ask why the serial numbers have been filed off all the office equipment.
- The stapler is not a toy.
- And don’t open packages that make loud ticking noises.
Forming your new office on the field…. (Band forms an office) no, that’s too big… (the office shrinks) no, that’s still too big… (the office shrinks further)….the Band says “I Hear You Knocking, But You Still
Can’t Come In.”
“I Hear You Knocking But You Can’t Come In”
I’m sorry Band; you’ve been downsized.
November 4, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at abnormal psychology.
“Princeton Forward”Statistics show that mental illness afflicts one in seventeen Americans…all of whom have appeared on Oprah.
Our favorite mental illness is schizophrenia. (Hey, did I already say that? Yes, I did! No, you didn’t!) Anyways, here are some signs that you
may be schizophrenic:
- friends think you’re a nice bunch of guys
- enough voices in your head for four-part harmony
- you play Battleship with yourself…and you both lose
- short-term memory loss
- short-term memory loss
- the Penn band
Forming multiple personalities on the field, the Band says “d) short-term memory loss.”
“Tea for Two”
(Band forms multiple personalities, i.e. two blobs)
OK, so maybe you’re not
schizophrenic. But you still might be crazy; maybe even psychotic, like this. (Band scrambles) For some peace of mind, why not take this little sanity test:
- Do you argue with your roommate, but live in a single?
- How many bands do you see on the field?
- Have you ever awoken from a dream involving a duck, a Vegematic, and 500 pounds of raw meat? No? Me neither.
- Do you think everyone in the stadium is looking at you? Yes, you?
- Does our planet’s yellow sun give you superhuman powers?
- Do loud sounds make you nervous? (Band plays loud note)
- Are your kitchen appliances plotting against you?
- Are you Napolean? Or Josephine? Or both?
Saluting megalomania, the Band forms France, shown here, actual size.
“La Marseillaise” segues into “Looney Tunes”
(Band forms France)
Uh oh; looks like the Band’s failed our sanity test. But don’t worry; treatment is
available. Unfortunately, often the cure is worse than the illness. Let’s start with electroshock therapy: because 35,000 volts can’t
be wrong. Would you prefer psychoanalysis? OK, tell me about your mother…was she “hot”? Or try hypnosis: You are getting sleepy, sleeeepy. When you wake, you will be…a chicken! Or if money for doctors is a problem, just send for the Ginsu Knife
: “It slices, it dices, it LOBOTOMIZES!” But the Band’s treatment of choice is Prozac. Forming Prozac, the Band says “swallow this.”
(Band forms Prozac)
The Band would like to leave you with this thought: d) short-term memory loss.
(Censored: And now, please be kind to the Penn band…they haven’t had their treatment yet today.)
November 11, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at mankind’s greatest achievements.
Among mankind’s greatest achievements is the construction of the seven wonders of the ancient world. Man has continued building great monuments throughout the ages. For example, while ancient man built the Great Pyramid of Giza, modern man built the Great Landfill of Staten Island. Rome has the crumbling ruins of the Coliseum, while Princeton has the crumbling ruins of Palmer Stadium. And while the Greeks marvelled at the Colossus of Rhodes, today we
marvel at the colossal construction on New Jersey roads. Saluting the pinnacle of modern transportation, the Band forms U.S. Route 1–the road that’s perfect for yalie’s, and other people going nowhere fast.
“I Can See for Miles”
(Band forms Route 1
(Band scrambles directly into a wheel)
No doubt one of mankind’s greatest achievements was landing on the moon. Another notable technological milestone was the invention of the printing press, making possible both the Gutenberg Bible
and The National Enquirer
. Some of mankind’s other great scientific inventions include the airbag…and the airsickness bag; Velcro, blue M & M’s, the Vegematic, Spam, New Coke, and G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip. Of course, everyone knows that mankind’s first and greatest invention was the wheel, shown here, actual size. (Band has formed a wheel) However, few people know that the first
wheel was designed by a yalie, and it looked like this
. (Round wheel changes to a square wheel) Paying tribute to yale’s many contributions to science, the Band reminds you that without yale scientists, cold fusion would be impossible.
(Band forms a square wheel)
No discussion of mankind’s greatest achievements would be complete without considering the arts. Who can fail to appreciate the painted ceiling of the Sistine Chapel…or the graffiti-covered walls of Princeton’s Student Center bathrooms? Each year, thousands of tourists are awestruck by Michelangelo’s statue of David, and just as many are left gaping at that thing in front of Equad. And let’s not forget about history’s great thinkers, who developed such philosophies as existentialism, Marxism, Darwinism, and sadomasochism. But undoubtedly, the achievement that set mankind apart from the animals was the development of language — something that some yalie’s are still
trying to master. Demonstrating our
mastery of language on the field, the Band reveals the philosophy we
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms concert shell and flashes) ICY AERATED ALE ERADICATE YALE TIGERS KICK ASS
And tonight, tune in to TigerVision: at 8pm, it’s yale’s Greatest Achievements,
followed by Seinfeld
THE DARMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 18, 1995
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
November 18, 1995
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band will return after these brief messages.
Stuck with nothing to do after the game? Let’s see what’s on T.V. At 3:30 pm, we have Ricki Lake with Men Who Love Small Furry Animals, and the Women who Love Them.
Speaking of which, it’s Lassie,
at 4:30. At 5:30 MacGyver
builds a nuclear reactor from a paper clip, a wad of chewing gum, and a duck…for the third time. 8 pm is Murder, She Wrote
; in the series finale, Jessica Fletcher, the last remaining resident of Cabot Cove, is killed…but solves her own murder! Contemplating this exciting evening, the Band forms a T.V. remote and says “Stop playing with that; you’ll go blind.”
“The Muppet Show”
(Band forms T.V. remote control)
And now a word from our sponsors:
From the people who brought you the Abdomenizer and the Thighmaster, it’s the Tushy Toner! In just fifteen minutes a day, you can flex your way to the butt you’ve always wanted. The TushToner is scientifically designed by our fitness experts, because at TushToner, we really do
have our heads up our butts. But that’s not all you get! We’ll throw in a free FatBeGone, our patented Home Liposuction Kit. Forming liposuction, the Band watches those excess pounds melt away.
(Band forms liposuction — a deflating blob, with fat shooting out courtesy of a fire extinguisher)
And now, your local news. In the headlines:
- Elvis enters the presidential race. Polls show him leading Bob Dole by 20%.
- Anticipating tough winter, New Hampshire residents vote 53-47% to die rather than live free.
- From the world of medicine comes the new onion and garlic diet: Lose 20 pounds and all your friends in a week.
…and this just in: Princeton Band concludes its 77thth marching season. Thanking our Musical Advisor Jack “Papa Smurf” Hontz and Kirk Unruh, the Band plays something other
than “Hawaii 5-0.”
“The Invincible Eagle”
(Band forms a concert arc)
For Band President Dave “Where are My Pants?” Thom, Drum Major Ted “I’m not Crazy, Just Misunderstood” Peltier, and Student Conductor Erica “Keep That Mace Away From Me” Greulich, this is your announcer Robert “The Komodo Dragon of Love” Wright saying: “Repent, all of you! For we are the doomed!”