The Band’s announcer for the 1998 football season was Abby Wasserman ’00.
September 19, 1998
Hey Princeton! Nice stadium we’ve got here. Be a shame if something were to…happen
(Band runs screaming onto the field)
So…we were wondering: does this
stadium come with a manufacturer’s warranty? We’ve heard that to ensure that it
doesn’t crumble like Palmer, the University is taking steps to preserve Princeton Stadium, including a regular tune-up every 10,000 miles, asking spectators to leave their shoes outside, and only using the stadium for special
occassions: say…five games a year. To really
preserve it, they could try:
- stadium slipcovers
- Turtle Wax
- wrinkle cream
- Scotch Guard
- or cryogenic freezing
Forming a pair of goalposts, the Band suggests using Viagra — to keep the uprights upright.
(Band forms a pair of goalposts)
Ya’ know, forty-five million dollars is a lot of money to spend on a stadium that’s only used a half-dozen times a year. How will the University ever
recover its investment? Always willing to lend a hand with a tough job, the Band suggests finding new uses for Princeton Stadium. For example:
- use it for ECON 101 lectures
- rent out the fifty yard-line — by the hour
- grow grass…no, the other kind
- demolish it, then sell commemorative pieces
- fill it with water and re-enact ancient sea battles
- let that water freeze, then sell tickets to Princeton Capades: Proctors on Ice!
The stadium would be a great place for:
- nude olympics training
- competitive dwarf tossing
- Godzilla’s litter box
- (censored: target practice for Swissair)
or, with a few minor adjustments, Princeton Stadium can become the world’s largest pool table, shown here, actual size.
(Band forms the World’s Largest Pool Table)
(Drum Major wields his enormous cue stick, sinking balls in pockets)
Be sure to join us again next week for Princeton Stadium’s newest event: MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!!
September 26, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, plummeting onto the field like the Russian economy, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Boy, the Russian economy is in deep trouble. Take the ruble. (“Please. No, really!”) You know it’s a bad sign when the only thing that goes down faster than the ruble is Monica Lewinsky.
Other signs that the currency is in trouble include:
- the World Bank tries to repossess the Kremlin
- Russia’s electric bill is so long overdue that Lenin’s beginning to thaw
- the government tries to raise money by selling Beanie Babies
- (censored: The ruble is falling faster than Swissair )
- and, your chief export is…CITIZENS!
favorite Russian export, the Band plays Tetris.
“Georgia on My Mind”
(Band plays Tetris)
Of course, there are
advantages to the falling ruble. For example, now Russians have money to burn…literally. There’s no more waiting in line to buy toilet paper; just use what’s in your wallet! And with the return of the barter system, chicken is now legal tender…and just as juicy!
Forming the shrinking ruble on the field, the Band reminds you that the only thing worth less than a ruble is (censored: a Lafayette diploma)
a Canadian dollar.
“Friend Like Me”
(Band forms a shrinking ruble)
(Censored: And now please welcome the winner of the 1984 Miss America Pageant, the Lehigh Marching 97.)
Run away, Band! It’s Boris Yeltsin, and he’s trying to pay us in vodka!
October 3, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at television.
“Princeton Forward”You couldn’t watch TV this past Summer without seeing those occassional reports about President Clinton’s “extracurricular activities.” We were fascinated to read in the Starr Report
that before the President decided to come clean, his legal team proposed a number of explanations for the infamous stain on the dress. For example:
- it was McDonald’s “special sauce”
- it was due to a bizarre cake decorating accident
- (censored: it was caused by a chronic dribbling condition)
- it’s just Sox’s “little surprise”
- (censored: it’s the stain left after Swissair crashed into the dress)
- it’s an unfortunate Olestra side-effect
- or simply “Those darned pigeons!”
Forming a stain on the field, the Band asks “what kind of person doesn’t do her laundry for six months?”
“Great Balls of Fire”
(Band forms a stain)
Of course, you can
see television that’s not
about Bill Clinton. You just have to watch TV after three in the morning, like we do. That’s where we learned about the most amazing new products, like:
- the Thyroid Master
- Wrinkle Creme de Menthe
- Buns of Lithium
- the Pork Juicer
- Hooked on Prozac
- the Ginsu Lenin: it slices, it dices, it COMMUNIZES!
…and the Hamster Shooter, shown here, actual size.
“We’re an American Band”
(Band forms a Hamster Shooter)
Run away, Band! The Hamster Shooter is stuck on “autofire”!
October 10, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the winner of the 1998 Miss America Pageant: the Princeton University Band!
Last week, President Clinton announced the first federal budget surplus in nearly thirty years. He’s proposed a number of ways to spend the seventy billion dollar surplus, including:
(censored: hold a Supreme Court Orgy: tonight, the ROBES COME OFF!)
(Censored: install passenger-side airbags into all Swissair jets)
(censored: hold a House of Representatives All-Month Kegger)
- hold a House of Representatives month-long bash
- buy 1500 new football stadiums
- strip mine the solar systems’ eight OTHER planets
- a fourteen dollar Railto haircut for every man, woman, and child on Earth
- buy Rhode Island…but why bother?
- the Brown band
While these are all great ways to spend the budget surplus, the Princeton Band has a better idea: outfit Air Force One for time travel by installing a flux capacitor, shown here, actual size.
(Band forms a flux capacitor)
In August the United States bombed a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan because it was secretly making chemical weapons. This week the U.S. State Department released a bulletin listing these ways you can tell that the pharmaceutical plant down the street is really
a chemical weapons plant:
- Saddam Hussein keeps stopping by for his “special prescription”
- The Viagra makes you grow an extra…arm
- With every six boxes of aspirin you get a free canister of nerve gas
- aisles and aisles of anthrax!
- the lip balm ticks
- the prophylactics (censored: condoms) come in three varieties: ribbed, fiesta-colored, and bullet-proof
- they sell the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, festering, hacking, where’d that cruise missile come from, so you can rest eternally medicine
…and today’s special is Preparation H Bomb,
shown here, actual size.
(Band forms box of Preparation H, which explodes)
Paging the Brown band: your pharmaceuticals have arrived.
October 17, 1998
There is no halftime script for this game because Lafayette Athletics imposed unacceptable conditions upon the Band’s performance. The Band did not travel to Lafayette.
October 24, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, reminding you that crimson is a color
, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Ahhh, don’t you just love that new stadium smell? And look, we found the stadium’s owners manual; it says:
CONGRATULATIONS on your purchase of a new Viñoly Soccer Stadium! Used properly, it might not crumble in 82 years. Do not use stadium if safety seal has been removed, and if crimson rash appears, seek immediate professional help. For your safety, do not operate the stadium when in the bathtub, and for best results, dry clean only. (Censored: Using the stadium as a landing site for Swissair jets will void the warranty.) Should catastrophic structural failure occur, please return your stadium to the manufacturer for repair or replacement. Damage due to neglect or misuse will void the manufacturer’s warranty.
Attempting to void the manufacturer’s warranty, the Band forms catastrophic structural failure.
“She’s Not There”
(Band forms a section of the grandstands, which collapses)
Speaking of catastrophic failures, take Hahvahd!
(“Please. No, really!”) Of course, we don’t really
mean that. U.S. News and World Report
ranked Princeton, Hahvahd, and a school in New Haven equally well. Still, Hahvahd’s curriculum isn’t quite
- At Princeton, students study Rocks for Jocks, while at Hahvahd, they study Tweed and Greed.
- We study Clapping for Credit, while they study Clapping While the PEASANTS DANCE!
- Here: Psychology 101; there: Me Me Me Me Me Me Me.
- Here: Plant Biology; there: Selecting Your Gardener or “Leaves for Jeeves.”
With courses like these, it’s no wonder that Princeton’s greatest alumnus is God, Class of ‘0; while Hahvahd’s greatest alumnus is (Censored: the embodiment of evil:)
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms concert shell and flashes) DARTH VADER OATH DEATH TO HARVARD PRINCETON ROCKS
(Censored: We leave you with this thought: if Princeton shines with the light of a thousand white-hot suns, Hahvahd sucks like a black hole.)
We leave you with this thought: if Princeton shines with the brilliance of a thousand white-hot suns, Hahvahd shines with the brilliance of a 15-watt nightlight.
October 31, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents: “child’s play.”
Speaking of child’s play, G.I. Joe has a new commanding officer: Hasbro’s brand-new General Colin Powell Action Figure. And later this year, watch for:
- the anatomically-correct Bill Clinton action figure (censored: comes with Monica Lewinsky action figure)
- the Al Gore INaction figure
- (censored: the Christopher Reeve traction figure)
- the Nicotine Patch Kids
- the Princess Di Commemorative figure–some assembly required)
- G.I. Joey Buttafucco, with KUNG FU GRIP
- Bulimic Barbie
- the Diaper Me Dan Quayle doll
- Hug Me Saadam Hussein
- Spank Me Marv Albert
…and our favorite, the Burp Me Boris Yeltsin action figure, which comes complete with its own vodka bottle, pictured here, enlarged to show texture.
(Band forms vodka bottle)
While playing with dolls is all well and good, the real
thrill for children of all ages is the amusement park. But children of the 90’s demand more cutting edge thrills. For example, we suggest:
- Bumper Cruise Missiles
- the Waltzing Teacups of Death
- the Lobotomizer
- the Monica Lewinsky Free Fall Tower (censored: it just keeps going down)
- Dr. Kevorkian’s Fun House
- (censored: the Swissair Flight to Oblivion)
- the House of Plagues
- the Merry Go Down
- The Flog Flume
- the Tunnel of Angst
- Dismemberment Land
- Refugees of the Caribbean
- Schubert’s Unfinished Roller Coaster
Forming Schubert’s Unfinished Roller Coaster, the Band takes you for a ride you’ll never forget.
(Band forms Schubert’s Unfinished Roller Coaster)
Remember Band: it’s always funny ’till someone loses an eye.
November 7, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, reminding you that there are starving children in New Haven who’d love
that toast, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Princeton Borough recently passed a law prohibiting open containers of alcohol on public property. It seems to be working a little too
well. For example:
(Censored: Predicting the choice of a new generation, the Band forms a syringe of beer and invites you to “take a shot.”)
- Misunderstandings have led to a borough-wide crackdown on lemonade stands.
- Winos have switched to drinking rotgut from Ziploc bags.
- Burger King has reported massive thefts of snap-on lids.
- To avoid carrying drinks on public property, students over 21 returning to campus from Prospect Street Eating Clubs travel exclusively in the STEAM TUNNELS.
- (Censored: And to avoid using open containers ENTIRELY, some Eating Clubs are now serving beer intraveneously.)
- And to avoid using open containers entirely, some Eating Clubs have found a new way to serve beer….
Forming the beer dispenser of a new generation, the Band invites you to “take a shot.”
(Band forms a syringe)
When John Glenn returned to space this week, it was no surprise that television covered his every word. Here’s some of what we
overheard on the space shuttle broadcasts:
- “Senator, we’ll never escape the Earth’s gravity doing 15 miles per hour.”
- (cut by Band after it appeared in ‘Newsweek’: “Discovery, this is Houston. You’ve had your left blinker on for the last 20,000 miles.”)
- (cut by Band after it appeared in ‘Newsweek’: “The first time I went into orbit, I had to do it barefoot, in a vacuum, uphill, both ways, and I LIKED IT!”)
- “Senator, are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
- (censored: “Hey, isn’t that Nova Scotia down there?”
“How can you tell?”
“I see the burning wreckage of a Swissair jet!”)
- “We’ve been going around in circles for 50,000 miles. Can’t we just stop and ask for directions?”
- “Hello, Dominoes? It’s delivery in 30 minutes or the pizza is free, right?”
- “But Senator Glenn, we just stopped for a bathroom break 5000 miles ago.”
- “I thought you packed the oxygen.”
“But I thought you packed the oxyg–aaghhhhhhhhh.”
Forming a solid rocket booster, the Band reminds you: (sung) “When the moon hits your eye–YOU’RE TOO CLOSE!”
“I Can See for Miles”
(Band forms a solid rocket booster)
Don’t touch that dial! Coming up next is the Princeton football team, and they’re
November 14, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin we would like a warm welcome for Bill Bours of Princeton’s Class of 1939, who is currently attending his 70th consecutive Princeton-Yale football game.
Ladies and gentlemen, now with the secret ingredient that leaves your yale Bowl spotless and pine-fresh, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward”
After our grueling midterm exams, we at Princeton enjoyed our Fall Break last week. And what better way to spend a beatiful sunny autumn day than by playing video games? Just a few of the new and interesting games we
played over break included:
- Sonic the Pledgehog
- Super Menendez Brothers
- Touch Football ’98
- Noah’s Arkanoid
- Personal Space Invaders
- Alabama Shareware presents: Honky Kong
- Q-Bert versus Dilbert
- Immoral Kombat
- and of course, Ice-Pac Man, Back-Pac Man, 2-Pac Man, 6-Pac Man, and Juice-Pac Man.
favorite version of Pac Man on the field, the Band shows what it takes to be a true winner.
(Band forms a Pac Man game)
Speaking of winners, we all know that last month Princeton Professor Daniel Tsui won the Nobel Prize in Physics. But have you heard about the lesser-known
Nobel Prize winners? For example:
- the Nobel Prize in Civil Engineering went to the makers of Viagra, for the erection of large structures
- The Nobel Prize for Literature went to Ken Starr
- Al Gore won the Nobel Prize for E-n-e-r-g-y C-o-n-s-e-r-v-a-t-i-o-n
- Monica Lewinsky won the Nobel Prize in Biology, for her groundbreaking work in DNA collection
- (censored: Swissair also won a Nobel Prize in Physics)
- Tonica Jenkins won the Nobel Prize in Creative Writing
- Bill Bours, Princeton Class of ’39, won the Princeton-yale football attendance prize
- And yale University won a Nobel Prize in….hmmm…nothing!
Forming the Nobel Prize yale didn’t
win, the Band thanks the Elis for playing. Please accept our lovely Nobel CONSOLATION Prize: it’s the Nobel Prize Home Game…spark of genius not
(Band forms a Nobel Prize)
And always remember, it’s not whether you win or lose, as long as you don’t
go to Hahvahd.
THE DARMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 21, 1998
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
November 21, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, celebrating its 80th marching season, the Princeton University Band reminds you that if it’s Big and it’s Green, it’s probably
As football season comes to an end, Princeton students turn to the winter sport for which Princeton is famous — that’s right — the Nude Olympics. Last year’s snow-free winter crushed the Olympic dreams of Princeton athletes, and left the Nude Olympics in deep financial trouble. But never fear: the International Olympic Committee announced that it’s taking over the Princeton Nude Olympics. Their changes include:
- New corporate sponsors: Stanley Hand Tools, Tyson Frozen Meat Products, and Rebok: makers of the only official clothing of the Princeton Nude Olympics.
- Holder residents are renting out their rooms as skyboxes, and Holder Tower is being replaced with a huge Olympic Flame.
- And remember, you can forget your shirt and forget your pants, but don’t forget your Visa card, because at the Nude Olympics they don’t take American Express.
Where will it all end? Promising to get to the BOTTOM of it all, the Band forms…a bottom.
(Band forms a bottom)
While the future of the Nude Olympics seems assured, what of Princeton’s
future? What will the University be like in a hundred years? Peering into our crystal ball, the Band makes its predictions:
- Following a nuclear war, Princeton will go co-co-co-ed, admitting students of all four genders.
- In the Nuclear Winter, the Nude Olympics become the “Excessively Clothed Olympics.”
- (Censored: Students hold an annual candlelight vigil to commemorate the crash of the Swissair Translunar Shuttle)
- The new Honor Code pledge is: “I pledge my honor that this represents the work of THE COLLECTIVE”
- The Speaker at Commencement 2098 is Strom Thurmond
- The last remaining student dorm room is converted into office space
- For their safety, each student is issued his or her own personal handrail
- To be politicallly correct, Princeton’s new mascot is the gender-nonspecific, ethnically neutral, non-endangered Big Orange
- The Dinky is replaced with the MAGLEV Dinky…. DANGER, 10,000 Tesla! DO NOT levitate on top!!
And with the addition of its 100 millionth book, Firestone Library finally implodes. Demonstrating that too much
knowledge can be a bad thing, the Band forms the Black Hole of Firestone Library.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms a Black Hole, books swirl in)
And now, for Stud Conductor Pete “My father’s a pair of slippers” Photos, Drum Major Chris “Wilson Kiosk” Hyson, and President Ken “Nice Ass” Lee, this is your Announcer Abby “Sax Babe” Wasserman saying “you can have this microphone when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”