The Band’s announcer for the 1999 football season was Lee Hadbavny ’01.


CORNELL September 18, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, wandering aimlessly onto the field like freshmen with a campus map, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band marches randomly onto the field and plays “Princeton Forward”) To us, Summer means hours of mindless entertainment at the movie theater. Here are some of our favoriate movies from this Summer:
  • A young boy has a chilling secret, and a bad gas problem, in “The Third Sense: Smell”
  • Giant mechanical tarantulas attack Quaker Bridge Mall, in “Wild Wild West Windsor”
  • Three student filmmakers go into the woods, and come out with bug bites and poison ivy in “The Blair Itch Project”
  • Animators team up with laundromats to bring you “The Giant Iron: Wrinkled Clothing Attacks”
  • Beauty pageants in Ithaca get a bit too fierce in “Drop Dead Gorges”; and
  • Ronald Reagan makes his triumphant return to the silver screen in “I Used To Know What You Did Last Summer”
But our favorite movie had to be “American Pie.” Saluting the crowning moment in modern cinema, the Band forms a warm apple pie. (Band forms a warm apple pie and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”, ‘CENSORED’ sign appears) Another movie we saw this Summer featured our favorite animated rodent joining the Mafia: “Mickey Mouse Blue Eyes.” Speaking of famous mice, Princeton students have recently used genetic engineering to breed more intelligent mice. After two of these smart mice escaped from the lab last week, the University published this bulletin listing ways to tell if the mice in *your* home are genetically-engineered:
  • they demand white wine with their cheese
  • before chewing through electrical cords, they unplug them
  • they appear on “Jeopardy” instead of “Wheel of Fortune”
  • the mice start frolicing in your window a la “Hamsterdance”
  • they eat wood chips less often
  • every night they try to take over the world
And instead of running away from cats, they challenge them to a winner-take-all game of Tic-Tac-Toe, shown here, actual size. (Band forms Tic-Tac-Toe board and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”; a cat and mouse play) Run away Band; We’ve organized or participated in an event which perpetuated activities associated with past Nude Olympics!

LEHIGH September 25, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen: it’s 8:25pm. Do you know where your Band is? “Princeton Forward” Ever since we heard about Princeton’s first night football game, we’ve been looking forward to the excitement of football under the stars. Of course, there are both advantages AND disadvantages to night football. For example:
  • One hundred thousand watts of light provides every fan with a FREE SUNTAN! (“That’s Good!”) However, if the game goes into overtime, a hundred thousand watts provides every fan with FREE SKIN CANCER! (“That’s Bad!”)
  • On the plus side, football under the lights looks WAY COOL from the Goodyear Blimp. (“That’s Good!”) But, it’s a non-league game, so the Goodyear Blimp JUST DOESN’T CARE. (“That’s Bad!”)
  • Fortunately, one hundred thousand watts of light repels thieves going for your car. (“That’s Good!”) Unfortunately, one hundred thousand watts of light attracts mosquitos going for your BLOOD! (“That’s Bad!”)
Reminding you of the most serious danger of night football, the Band salutes a fan’s best friend: a can of bug spray. (Band forms can of bug spray, which kills swarm of bugs when they fly by, and plays “Night Train”) Bugs aren’t the only hazard facing fans at night football. During the second quarter, bats circling the stadium carried off a dozen young children from the upper deck! On the other hand, that SURE SAVES on babysitting bills! Speaking of bills, powering these lights for an entire game will result in quite a bill for the University. In fact, generating the gigawatts of electricity powering the lights for tonight’s game required the destruction of hundreds of acres of Brazilian rain forest. You know what THAT means: Brazil nuts for EVERYONE! For future night games, the University is exploring other ways to obtain those 1.2 gigawatts of power. Our suggestion: extension cords…LOTS and LOTS of extension cords. Or better yet, generate the power using genetically-engineered hamsters running in a giant hamster wheel, shown here, ACTUAL size. (Band forms a giant spinning hamster wheel, complete with a genetically-engineered hamster, and plays “Time Warp”. When the wheel stops spinning, the hamster runs up inside the wheel, reaches the top, looks down, holds up a ‘Yikes!’ sign, then plummets to the bottom.) Would the last person here please hit the lights on your way out?

FORDHAM October 2, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the OFFICIAL band of the new millenium: the Princeton University Band. “Princeton Forward” The year 2000 is just around the corner, and with it, the Y2K computer bug. To prepare for the collapse of civilization, experts recommend you stockpile emergency supplies, including the following:
  • a thousand-year supply of clean water…start boiling now!
  • a wall calendar for 1900, just in case
  • [Cut] Y2K-Y Jelly
  • shoe polish…becauseNO ONE should start a new millenium looking less than their VERY best
  • “Bible Cliff Notes”…since there MAY be a quiz at the end
  • clean underwear, because ya know, that won’t be available in the new millenium
  • a “Get Out of Hell Free” card, just in case the guy on the corner of Prospect Avenue is right
  • and a “Countdown to Y3K Clock,” shown here, actual size.
(Band forms a Countdown to Y3K Clock and plays “Rock Around the Clock”. The clock hand starts at ‘MM’, sweeps around to ‘MMCCL’, ‘MMD’, ‘MMDCCL’ and finally back around to ‘MMM’) You know, if the computers DO go haywire and think it’s really 1900, that wouldn’t be so bad. There ARE some advantages to rolling back the calendar. For example:
  • there would be fewer state capitals to memorize
  • all the old William McKinley jokes would be funny again
  • Barney the Dinosaur would still be ninety years away
  • [Cut] Coca Cola still made from cocaine
  • there’d be no Home Shopping Channels
  • smallpox for EVERYONE!
  • airline food wouldn’t be NEARLY as bad…because it wouldn’t exist yet
  • there’d be much cheaper collision insurance…for your horse and buggy!
  • only HALF of Princeton would be coffee houses
  • the Amish would have ALL the latest gizmos
  • and there ain’t nothin’ that couldn’t be cured with a sack of leeches
Saluting the wonder drug of 1900, the Band forms…a leech. (Band forms a leech and plays “White Rabbit”) Speaking of the end of civilization, take the Apocalypse. (“Please. No, really!”) According to the Scriptures, signs of the Apocalypse include:
  • the fat lady sings
  • Francis Ford Coppola releases “Apocalypse Right About…Now”
  • there’s ample parking in Princeton
  • the Student Center finally opens
  • SOMEBODY beats The Wiz
  • [Cut] dry bicker
  • Dick Clark’s hair finally turns grey
  • someone ACTUALLY WINS the Pass, Punt, and Kick Competition
  • and, as many have suspected, the Teletubbies reveal they ARE hiding something: Tinky Winky, Po, Laa Laa, and Dipsy are just aliases for War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death.
Saluting our favorite horseman of the Apocalypse,the Band forms Pestilence. (Band forms Pestilence and plays “William Tell”) Of course, not everyone believes the Apocalypse is coming. After all, that prediction comes from the same folks who predict every year that Elvis will make his big comeback. Since fortune tellers are a dime a dozen, we’ve got some predictions of our own for the coming millenium:
  • [Cut] Dean Montero will join a nudist colony
  • the Pope will declare that heaven is full, so you can stop being good [Cut: …so please use birth control]
  • President Shapiro will declare that campus is complete; no more construction is necessary
  • Democrats and Republicans will be replaced with Autobots and Decepticons
  • the public will be constantly reminded that “Big Brother is watching…NBC” (music cue)
  • the Reform Party ticket in 2000 will feature Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and Jonas “The Antibody” Salk
  • [Cut] Bill Clinton will lay OFF the interns…instead of ON them
  • and Washington Road will be improved by adding twelve MORE traffic lights
Suggesting a new logo for Princeton, the Band forms a traffic light. (Band forms a traffic light, which stops and starts the music, as the band plays “Basin Street Blues”) This show has been certified 100% Y2K-compliant.

BROWN October 9, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the paranormal. “Princeton Forward” So, how can you tell if YOU have paranormal powers? Well, it’s not hard; just look for these telltale signs:
  1. people you dislike unexpectedly burst into flame
  2. the Psychic Friends Hotline phones YOU
  3. your roommate’s aura keeps you awake at night
  4. [Cut]You sensed doom upon learning that Dean Montero would be your next Vice President for Campus Life
  5. you can never quite finish a bowl of soup without bending the spoon
  6. you’re starring in this week’s episode of “The X Files”
  7. the Brown band
Opening its own X File, the Band reminds you that “The Plaid is Out There.” (Band forms an ‘X’ and plays “Theme from The X Files”) Perhaps the most common paranormal power is the ability to locate buried water with a divining rod. Watch as the Band demonstrates. (Band forms a divining rod, which begins to shake) Naturally, you can use a divining rod to locate many OTHER items, including:
  • buried treasure
  • lost socks
  • the Lost Continent of Atlantis
  • your inner child
  • the rest of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony
  • [Cut]JKF, Jr.
  • [Cut: Monica Lewinski’s; replaced with:] Bill Clinton’s virtue
  • the missing link
  • lost time
  • and the Brown band’s lost [Cut: virginity; replaced with:] innocence — oh, wait — that was never lost
Saluting the INCREDIBLE power of the common divining rod, the Band reminds you that by simply grasping a rod firmly with both hands and concentrating, you can produce AMAZING results. (Band is in divining rod formation and plays “I Can See for Miles”) Of course, the divining rod is but a common parlor trick compared to the AWESOME power to read your mind! Everyone in the stadium: concentrate hard, as we demonstrate….hmmmmm:
  • the guy with the red hat in the sixth row of section nine: you’re thinking “I wonder if the girl sitting next to me would go out with me?” Forget it! (We read HER mind too!)
  • President Gee: you’re thinking “I wonder if the trustee to my left will make a large donation to Brown?” Fat chance! HE’S thinking “I wonder if the girl next to the guy with the red hat likes older men?”
  • Hey ref: you’re thinking “I wonder what my wife is fixing for dinner?” Nothing! She’s leaving you!
  • The woman in section 4, row 10, seat 5 is thinking: “Hey, that’s me!”
  • The guy at the concession stand is thinking “I’ll bet they can’t tell which Coke I spit into”
  • [Cut] The guy sitting behind the dwarf in row 28 is thinking “Hey, I wonder how far I can throw him?”
  • The Brown Band is thinking, “This one time, at band camp…”
  • and the lady in the front row staring at our conductor is thinking “Is that a banana in his pocket?”
(Conductor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a banana) Forming a banana, the Band reminds you that sometimes a banana is JUST a banana. (Band forms a banana and plays “She’s Not There”) Run away! It’s the Brown Band, and you don’t want to know what they’re thinking now!

LAFAYETTE October 16, 1999

Buzzing onto the field like a swarm of encephalitic mosquitos, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” It’s Freshmen Parents Weekend at Princeton, and all week, campus has been alive with the sound of students scampering to clean their rooms, do the laundry, and learn the names of their classes. While they’re here, Mom and Dad should watch for any telltale signs that junior might not be doing quite so well at college. For example:
  • your daughter claims that watching “E.R.” satisfies her pre-med requirements
  • your son’s taking classes from Professor Budweiser and Doctor Lowenbrau
  • [Cut]your son the athlete is training for the 2000 Olympics… the 2000 NUDE Olympics
  • your daughter’s furniture consists of kegs
  • for Christmas, instead of a stereo, your daughter wants a [Cut: abortion; replaced with baby carriage, also cut; replaced with:] boyfriend
  • you’re already on a first-name basis with the Dean of Students
  • [Cut]your son’s roommate lets the police search the room
  • your daughter thinks “Firestone” is just a tire
  • and your son’s made the Honor Roll… at [Cut: Triumph Brew Pub; replaced with:] Edith’s Lingerie
Forming a dropping GPA, the Band suggests the most serious sign that junior’s not doing well at Princeton: [Cut: you receive a release form in the mail…from Professor Singer; replaced with:] your daughter is on the field right now, playing a plastic camel. (Band forms a ‘4’ which changes to a ‘0’ and plays “School’s Out”) Freshmen Parents Weekend gives Mom and Dad a brief look at how Princeton students spend their days, but doesn’t reflect the complete picture. Take yesterday. (“Please. No, really!”) Here’s how the Band spent its day: 8 am alarm clock goes off 9:15 alarm clock goes off again, just in time for 9 am class Noon lunch at dining hall 12:30 visit McCosh Health Center; they give me Sudafed 3:00 I wonder if I have email? 3:03 I wonder if I have email? Hey! I do! It’s from Dean Montero, listing TODAY’S prohibited activities! 8 pm start studying [Cut]8:05 check out headlines at cnn.com 8:06 check out headlines at penthouse.com 9:58 clean off mouse pad, resume studying 10 pm head out to Prospect Street 8:05 hmm, my socks feel dirty…time to do laundry 9:58 resume studying 10 pm head out to the WaWa 1 am back to McCosh Health Center. More sudafed. Saluting the McCosh Health Center, the Band forms a Princeton student’s best friend: a gelcap of Sudafed. (Band form a Sudafed gelcap and plays “Friend Like Me”) Run away, Band! Your parents are here, and they know what you did last night! (Band runs off the field, and re-forms in the opposite endzone. While this happens, the following announcements are read.) The Band would like to thank its corporate sponsors:
  • jackets provided by Armani
  • trumpets by Yamaha
  • stop sign courtesy of New Jersey Department of Transportation
  • Wisk bottle provided by the Princeton University Department of Music
To join the Princeton Band corporate team, call 609-258-2700. We have a lost child announcement: would the parents of Jimmy Gallagher please report to the press box with $2000 in unmarked bills — no funny stuff! Also, there is a blue Ford Pinto in the parking lot with its headlights on…fire. [Cut]And now, it’s time for the “Pass, Punt, and Kick the Dwarf Contest,” sponsored by the Princeton Band: “Own One, and You’ll Understand.” Today’s contestant, Adam Ruben, will have the chance to win this all-new orange plaid 1988 Ford Econoline van, if he can pass and punt this regulation-size dwarf across the field, and then kick a field goal from that location. Good luck, Adam, and begin when ready. (Adam Ruben drives the Band Van onto the field, gets out, and passes, punts, and kicks a dwarf across the field.) Around the Ivy League today: Columbia leads Dartmouth 22 marbles to 15 in Hungry Hungry Hippos, and Cornell has just sunk Hahvahd’s battleship, to take the lead three ships to two. Another Ivy League scoring update: Dude, I met this [Cut: chick; replaced with:] hottie from Brown the other night…it was awseome! (Band has re-formed in the opposite endzone. Band has removed jackets and boaters, revealing red sashes; Conductor and Drum Major are in red jackets.) Mesdames et monsieurs, direct from France, ze nation of Liberte, Egalite, and Maurice Chevalier, eet eez ze Bande de Lafayette! “La Marseillaise” Bonjour, mon cheri. Ze Bande de Lafayette visits you today to experience your nation’s customs. They are so uncivilized! Take ze American football. (“S’il vous plait. Non, vraiment!”) In France, we are far more civilized; we enjoy ze finer things in life, like ze French wine, French bread, French women, French fashion, French toast, French fries, French poodles, and French kisses. [Cut: “And of course, syphillitic French whores for EVERYONE!”] Et bien, France is ze birthplace of civilation. We are ze home of ze croissant, ze menage a trois [Cut: oooh la la!], ze Peugot, and ze brassiere. Oooh la la! And what you have silly Americans done? Your famous NASA can’t even master ze metric system! Oui Oui, even your famous American technology pales in comparison to ze summit of French inventions: the bidet. Forming a bidet, ze Bande reminds you “Don’t fall in, n’est-ce pas?” (Band forms a bidet and plays “Lazy River”) Even when you silly Americans try to be like ze French, you do not succeed. Non, non. After Hurricane Floyd, you Princeton students only stopped showering for a week — Sacre bleu! — we French do not shower for months! And France has given ze world so much more than America; we are responsible for French vanilla ice cream, Le Car, ze Can Can, ze impenetrable Marginot Line, ze Vietnam War, Perrier water, and Jerry Lewis’ inexplicable fame. We have EuroDisney, “ze unfriendliest place on Earth.” We give ze world Napolean, the world’s greatest military leader, and a damn fine dessert! We give you ze Statue of Liberty, we build ze Eiffel Tower, and we invent ze guillotine. Saluting ze topless women of the 18th century, ze Bande forms a guillotine. (Band form working guillotine and plays “Tear the Roof off the Sucker”; and a band member is beheaded) Ze Bande de Lafayette leaves you with this thought: who but a Frenchmen would have looked at a snail and said: “Hey, let’s eat that!”

HAHVAHD October 23, 1999

Hey Hahvahd! Is that a 14 billion dollar endowment in your pocket, or is it the PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND! “Princeton Forward” Following a lengthy courtship, Hahvahd University and Radcliffe College have finally tied the knot. But after less than a month, already the honeymoon is over. Just this week, Hahvahd was seen at a local bar trying to hook up Smith and Mount Holyoke. With problems at home, it’s no wonder Hahvahd lost out to CalTech in the “U.S. News and World Report” rankings. But not too worry; Hahvahd plans to regain the lead by following the example set by its richest [Cut: bastard; replaced with:] illegitimate son, Bill Gates: “If you can’t beat ’em, buy ’em out!” (Band forms a bag ‘o money and plays “Material Girl”) Buying out Caltech wouldn’t even put a dent in Hahvahd’s vast endowment. After raising over two billion dollars more, administrators are asking “How in the world can we spend all that money?” Well, you COULD invest it. Or you could trade it for what’s behind curtain number one, curtain number two, or what’s inside the box! (Band has formed a box) You’ve chosen the box! Let’s see what you’ve won… (Sign in box is displayed to reveal a large blue ‘Y’) OH NO — it’s Yale University! You got the klunker! (musical cue: wa wa wa wa) Reminding you to spend your endowment wisely, the Band suggests you use it to hire a Divinity School Dean who obeys all TEN commandments. (Band is still in box and plays “Jesus Christ Superstar”) When Hahvahd and Radcliffe joined, the University FINALLY became truly co-ed, bringing Hahvahd into the 20th century…just in time. This week, President Rudenstine announced sweeping changes to modernize the rest of Hahvahd:
  • The Divinity School is now studying the NEW testament… with over 70% more divinity!
  • Hahvahd’s mascot has been updated from the Crimson to the Electric Raspberry
  • The Business School will FINALLY let Cratchett have that second lump of coal
  • [Cut]”The Kennedy School of Government is now providing flight training”
  • and Hahvahd is recalling all the old Radcliffe diplomas to be fixed
[Cut]Forming a Radcliffe diploma, the Band reminds you that it could be worse: they could be recalling all the Radcliffe ALUMNAE to be fixed. Fixing a diploma on the field, the Band suggests the best way to modernize Hahvahd: update your motto from “Veritas” to “Bitchin’!” (Band forms a Radcliffe diploma, which changes to a Hahvahd diploma, and plays “Johnny’s Mambo”) Run away Band! Hahvahd’s drunk, and it’s looking to merge again!

COLUMBIA October 30, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, taking control of the field like the Pakistani military, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” So you’re gonna have a coup! Before seizing control of your country, we suggest you start with some background reading: “Military Coups for Dummies,” “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Tyrants,” and “Chicken Soup for the Despotic Soul.” Next, begin growing your evil goatee several weeks in advance, and remember to check the expiration date on your nuclear stockpile. Scotchguard the palace carpets to avoid those stubborn bloodstains. When you do seize control, be sure to stir your country thoroughly until Parliament is fully dissolved. Finally, be sure to install a puppet leader, NOT a sock puppet leader. Forming a sock puppet leader, the Band says “Hey, watch where you’re sticking your hand!” (Band forms a sock puppet leader and plays “Hail to the Chief”) Turning from military decorations to Halloween decorations, the Band offers some suggestions to those of you hosting Halloween parties tomorrow:
  • DO give treats to the neighbor’s children
  • DO NOT give children as treats to the neighbors
  • DO bob for apples
  • DO NOT bob for puffer fish
  • [Cut]DO bob for apples Monica,
  • DO NOT bob on President Clinton’s erect member.
  • DO carve up pumpkins
  • DO NOT carve up your family
Forming a pumpkin on the field, the Band suggests that when serving drinks, serve Bloody Marys, NOT Aunt Mary’s blood. (Band forms a jack-o-lantern and plays “Proud Mary”) At this point, the Band would like to remind the Columbia special teams unit that we know where you live. While the rest of the world decorates in orange and black just once a year, Princeton Stadium wears its Halloween colors all year long. Although the stadium’s previous owner was a little old lady who said she only only used it for five or six games a year, we’ve found that the stadium has a few problems. For example, the stadium has a tendency to roll over during abrupt or high-speed plays. And when the quarterback is sacked, the stadium’s airbags unexpectedly deploy. Last spring, we lost the remote control, and now the scoreboard just keeps blinking ’12:00′. [Cut: The gap between the rows in the upper deck is a bit too small to use to dispose of unwanted children.] And just last year, the nets behind the goalposts accidentally killed over a dozen baby dolphins. Forming a goalpost, the Band says: “You call it tuna, we call it Flipper.” (Band forms a goalpost with a net and plays “Call Me”. The Drum Major punts a dolphin, which gets caught in the net.) And as we prepare for Halloween, we leave the Columbia band with this thought: It’s “Trick OR Treat,” NOT “Turning Tricks FOR Treats!”

PENN November 6, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, count them as they take the field, it’s the thousand-member strong, Princeton University Midterm Break Band. “Princeton Forward” It’s midterm break at Princeton, so while the rest of the Band is on vacation, we thought we’d do some sightseeing in Philadelphia. Imagine our surprise to learn that “The City of Brotherly Love” is now “The City that Loves You Back.” How does Philadelphia love thee? Let me count the ways:
  1. it tucks you in at night
  2. the mayor greets every tourist with a wet sloppy kiss
  3. it puts the toilet seat down
  4. when the police beat you, it’s “tough love”
  5. when you’re least expecting it, Philadelphia slips you the tongue
  6. [Cut]when you come home after a long day, it humps your leg the bums apologize for reeking of booze the trucks yield to cyclists…mostly
  7. the Penn band
Saluting “The City that Loves You Back,” the Band forms a heart, and says “Not tonight, Philly; I have a headache.” (Band forms a heart and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”) Philadelphia’s latest slogan is so succesful, other cities are updating their slogans as well. For example:
  • in Seattle, it’s “Starbucks, Starbucks, Everywhere, and Not a Wink of Sleep”
  • New York: “Fifty Billion Cockroaches Can’t All Be Wrong”
  • Salt Lake City: “Home of the Best Olympics Money Can Buy”
  • Chicago: “So Windy that it Blows”
  • East Orange, New Jersey: “Gateway to West Orange, New Jersey”
  • Wheeling, West Virgina: “The City of Cousinly Love”
  • [Cut]San Francisco: Bend Over and Smile
  • Point Barrow, Alaska: “America Ends Here”; and
  • Las Vegas: “Stick it in the Slot and Win”
Forming a slot machine, the Band invites you to play with the one-armed bandit. (Band forms a slot machine and plays “Great Balls of Fire”; Drum Major pulls arm and signs spin) Run away Band; if you keep playing with the one-armed bandit, you’ll go blind!

YALE November 13, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, reminding you that at Princeton, even the MICE are smarter than yale students, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” While today, Princeton and yale battle on the football field, next year our schools may face a far greater contest: the race for the White House, as Princeton’s Bill Bradley faces yale alumnus George W. Bush. How have Princeton and yale prepared these men to lead our country?
  • Well, at Princeton, Bill Bradley studied International Relations, while at yale, George Bush had relations with the bulldog.
  • At Princeton, Bill got high marks, while at yale, George got….high.
  • Bill Bradley was named a Rhodes Scholar. George Bush was named, well, “George Bush.”
  • And after Princeton, Bill became a Senator and followed party lines, while after yale, George did lines at parties.
Saluting George W. Bush’s “bright college years,” the Band forms lines, and says “Hey George, SNIFF THIS!” (Band forms lines and plays “White Rabbit”) Princeton and yale produce more than just great political leaders. Physicists at both schools contribute to our understanding of the universe. Of course, there ARE some differences:
  • Princeton physicists study the mysteries of laser light, while yale physicists are mystified by the light in the back of the refrigerator.
  • Our scientists perfected the airbag, while yale scientists are responsible for the air sickness bag.
  • Princeton physicists have won 18 Nobel Prizes, while yale physicists have won four Golden Globes, a Cable Ace Award, and a close second in the New Haven Science Fair.
Yes, Princeton scientists are responsible for a dazzling array of innovative breakthroughs, while yale scientists haven’t even figured out how to clean up after the bulldog. Suggesting a useful tool for a school who’s mascot isn’t even housebroken, the Band forms a pooper scooper. (Band forms a pooper scooper and plays “Doggin’ Around”) Last year, yale alumni were shocked to learn that their once-elite academy has become less selective. With fewer high school seniors applying to yale, the admissions office was forced to open the door a little wider, dropping yale to FOURTH place in Ivy League selectivity. Seeking to restore their school to its rightful THIRD place (behind Princeton and Hahvahd), yale is trying to lure more applicants with these new advertising slogans:
  • yale: It’s what’s for college
  • You’re NOT going to pay a lot for this college… oh, wait: yes, you are
  • Have you ridden a bulldog….lately?
  • New Haven: It’s NOWHERE you want to be
  • and with a name like “yale”, it HAS to be good… or at least you would think
Wishing yale the best of luck in regaining its place as an elite academy, the Band suggests a sure-fire slogan: “New Haven: Now even nicer than Detroit…well, PARTS of Detroit.” “Thus Spake Zarathustra” Flashers: ELITE ACADEMY Anagrams to: DECIMATE YALE Flips to reveal: TIGERS REIGN! In closing, the Band would like to remind you of the difference between New Haven and HOAGIE Haven: one is a great repository of cheap meat, while the other is a really good sandwich shop.


(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

DARTMOUTH November 20, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen: now entering the land of Liberte, Egalite, but NOT Fraternite, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Like many of you, we were shocked by Dartmouth’s plan to ban the Greek System. After all, it’s not just the end of fraternities and sororities at Dartmouth. Once the Greek System is banned, well, you can just kiss your souvlaki goodbye!
  • And the Classics Department? It’s history!
  • Greek olives? Gone!
  • In fact, Greek salad? Forget about it!
  • Phi Beta Kappa? Sayonara!
  • The Socratic method? What do YOU think!
  • The Hippocratic Oath? Dead!
  • The Olympics? Yea, right!
  • Democracy? No way!
  • Jimmy the Greek? Don’t bet on it!
  • The Honda Oddysey? No dice!
  • The Stephanopolous family on Third Street? You’re outta here!
  • And you math majors can just forget about the number pi; from now on, it’s just ‘3’.
Forming the last pi you’ll ever see at Dartmouth, the Band reminds you that without Greece, the Oedipus Complex itself would be impossible. (Band forms ‘pi’ and plays “Johnny’s Mambo”) The new millenium is almost here, and we’d like to tie up a couple of loose ends left by the OLD millenium. For example:
  • How MANY roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? The answer, my friend, is five.
  • Where in the world IS Carmen Sandiego? Let’s just say: she’s going to need a shower when she’s done.
  • Why DO bad things happen to good people? ‘Cause it’s damn funny that way.
  • and where’s the beef? Between the buns.
However, some questions still have us stumped. For instance:
  • Live free or die” — is that multiple choice, or what?
  • Just what IS in McDonald’s “special sauce”? On second thought, we DON’T want to know.
  • But we ARE curious, who put the bomp in the bomp, she-bomp, she-bomp?
  • When exactly DO the backs go tearing by?
  • Tastes great? Or less filling?
  • And exactly what ARE Dartmouth’s trustees smoking?
Forming a magic mushroom, the Band salutes the trustee’s dedication to HIGHER education. (Band forms a magic mushroom and plays “Birdland”) And now, for Student Conductor Nick “You’re my favorite section” Spicher, Head Manager Carson “He got away! He got away!” McCauley, Drum Major Mike “You call it maize, we call it” Korn, and President Tom “See you in Bordeux, eh?” Sanderson, this is your announcer Lee “Where’s my press pass?” Hadbavny reminding you that sometimes a brazil nut is JUST a brazil nut.