2000 Pregames

Our announcer for the year was Lee Hadbavny ’01.  

9/16/2000 — Lafayette

There is no halftime show for the Lafayette game, for the band did not go to this game.

9/23/2000 — Lehigh

Just when you thought it was safe to return to the Stadium, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” After talking you out of 1.14 billion dollars of your hard-earned money, University President Hal Shapiro announced his resignation yesterday. According to the Daily Princetonian, Hal wants to devote more time to teaching. But Band sources have discovered the real reasons Hal has decided to leave:
  • He’s accepted a job as a superintellient computer on NASA’s next mission to Jupiter.
  • He was forced to resign because of the FitzRandolphGate Scandal.
  • He didn’t choose to leave; he was voted off.
  • He took one look at the Frist Campus Center, and boom! He was outta there.
  • After Janina was gone, he just couldn’t take the loneliness.
  • Two words: Beverage Lab.
  • He couldn’t stand that giant rusty hunk of metal outside the Stadium either.
  • Too much rain!
  • He’s really trading places with his twin brother in a wacky new sitcom on the WB.
  • But really, the offer from Lehigh was just too sweet.
Forming a little ‘l,’ for Lehigh, the band pays tribute to Hal’s new hometown. (Band forms a lower-case ‘l,’ plays “O Little Town of Bethelehem”) And now, staying in Princeton, unlike:
  • John F. Kennedy,
  • the nude olympics,
  • the Mercer Oak,
  • Harry’s Luncheonette,
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald,
  • the old guys at Rialto Barbershop,
  • Key & Seal Club,
  • Coach Carmody,
  • the cool parties above Blair Arch,
  • Lupins,
  • Janina Montero,
  • Einstein Bagel,
  • and the bloody redcoats,
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back.”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

9/30/2000 — Columbia

Ladies and gentlemen, schlepping onto the field like Bubby (oy!), it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” We heard today was Rosh Hashanah, but we didn’t know what that meant. So we asked people on the streets of New York, just what is Rosh Hashanah? Here are some of the answers we got:
  • “It’s a time when Jews get together and get hammered.”
  • “It was the tribe with the hot chick on ‘Survivor.'”
  • “I don’t know, but they closed the freakin’ deli.
  • “Ebeneezer Scrooge said, ‘It’s just a poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket every first of Tishre.'”
  • “Don’t ask me. I’m Reform.”
  • “Wasn’t he the bad guy in ‘The Usual Suspects’?”
  • and “I don’t know, but I’ll give you twenty bucks for a bag of it.”
Forming a ‘c’ for Moses to part, the Band says, “Schvitz, Lion, Schvitz!” (Band forms a lower-case ‘c’ and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”) And now, wishing a happy New Year to:
  • Albert Einstein,
  • Sandy Koufax,
  • Henny Youngman,
  • Whoopi Goldberg,
  • Rube Goldberg,
  • Hal Shapiro,
  • Joe Lieberman,
  • Alan Dershowitz,
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar,
  • Barbara Streisand,
  • Woody Allen,
  • Harpo, Groucho, Chico, and probably Zeppo,
  • Larry, Curly, Moe, and certainly Shemp,
  • Steven Spielberg,
  • Reverend Jackson-oh wait, scratch that one,
  • Mel Brooks,
  • Moses,
  • Gary Coleman,
  • Oscar Meyer,
  • Sammy Davis, Jr.,
  • Judd Hirsch,
  • and that guy with the fiddle on the roof,
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Schlepp, Band! Schlepp like the wind!

10/7/2000 — Colgate

Colgate wouldn’t let us perform a pregame. They had some sort of ceremony instead.

10/14/2000 — Brown

Ladies and gentlemen, wishing a happy belated 75th birthday to the Brown Band, but reminding them to respect their elders, dag nabbit, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Oh, that Brown University. It seems like the courses have just gotten easier every year. Here are some selections from this fall’s course guide:
  • Breathing 101
  • Advanced Topics in Computer Science: The On/Off Switch
  • The Internet in the Late 1800’s
  • Paint-By-Number for Non-Majors
  • Legos for Maniacs
  • Variations on Page-Turning
  • Showering for Engineers
  • And Advanced Potty Training, or Crapping for Credit.
To get an ‘A’ in one of these courses, you just need to show up. To get a ‘C-,’ you just need to wake up-at least once a semester. And who gets an ‘F’? The Brown Band! Saluting a course that the Brown Band is sure to fail-Beirut for Beginners-the Band forms a little ‘b.’ (Band forms a small ‘b’ and plays “The Brown Cheering Song”) And now, wishing the Brown Band a:
  • happy birthday,
  • feliz cumpleaños,
  • bon anniversaire,
  • yom huledet sameach,
  • feliz navidad,
  • me-la-ka-li-ki-wa-ka,
  • que sera, sera,
  • coup d’etat,
  • veni, vedi, vici,
  • ohio gozaimas,
  • ich bein ein Berlinner,
  • rikki tikki tavi,
  • Zaphod Beeblebrox,
  • g’day mate,
  • hakuna matata,
  • Erin go bragh,
  • e-thay uins-Bray uck-say ock-cay,
Foster’s, Australian for double-double-rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

10/21/2000 — Hahvahd

Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and alumnae, townies and townae, pupils and pupae, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” So the office of the President of Princeton University is now open for nominations. But no one thought to nominate Hahvahd President Neil Rudenstein, who is also looking for work. Of course, if Rudenstein did become President of Princeton, he would probably make a few changes to make Princeton feel more like Hahvahd. For example:
  • He’d repeal all traffic laws,
  • institute an all-tweed dress code,
  • change our mascot to ‘the orange,’
  • pour all our faculty and monetary resources into the Grad College,
  • claim that the Oval with Points is really the statue of John Princeton,
  • give the Band a huge endowment ‘hint hint hint,’
  • and he’d build a hash bar-but it’s pronounced hash baa.
Forming a little ‘h,’ the Band invites you to rock the hash baa. (Band forms a small ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”) And now, not pronouncing the letter ‘r’ like:
  • Hahvahd,
  • Hal Shapio,
  • Neil Udenstein,
  • ugby, owing, and acketball,
  • Toys Us,
  • Spite and gape juice,
  • get dunk dinking bee and pass out on the floo,
  • 2D2,
  • statue-toy ape,
  • Bussel spouts,
  • fatenities and sooities-you know, the Geek system,
  • oast beef,
  • tombones and dummers,
  • and pox cods,
It’s the double-double-otating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

10/28/2000 — Cornell

Ladies and gentlemen, dropping onto the field like Rick Lazio’s chances of getting into the U.S. Senate, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Last week at Cornell, a student was robbed while crossing a bridge. Because of this unfortunate incident, and because of today’s visit from First Lady Hilary Clinton, the University has decided to take the following precautions to increase security:
  • They armor-plated the Hot Truck.
  • They forced all cows at the Ag College to pass through a metal detector.
  • They turned the Big Red Barn into the Big Red Paramilitary Compound.
  • They strip-searched all nematodes in the Nematode Lab.
  • In order to slow down the metabolism of criminals, they lowered today’s temperature by 40 degrees.
  • They deported well-known MI-6 superspy John Cleese.
  • They installed Secret Service agents at sprint football games,ensuring that there’ll always be an audience of at least two or three.
  • They persuaded Cornell hockey fans to use more respectful language, damn it.
  • To prevent any more bridge robberies, they detonated all bridges, including Beau, Lloyd, Jeff, and Nash.
  • And they installed surveillance cameras in the bathrooms of Balch Hall, at least, someone did.
Forming a little ‘c,’ for Clinton, the Band urges you to re-elect Socks. (Band forms a small ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters) And now, protected by:
  • electrified fences,
  • snipers,
  • armor plating,
  • Armor-All,
  • Teflon,
  • ADT,
  • ADD,
  • DDT,
  • the Sloman Shield,
  • Life Savers,
  • light sabres,
  • Saran Wrap,
  • bubble wrap,
  • Durex Sheik,
  • rotating knives,
  • Jewish mothers,
  • Lieutenant Wharf,
  • Blistex,
  • Depends,
  • Glenda, the Good Witch of the North,
  • and the Star Wars Missile Defense System,
It’s the double-double-rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Look out, Band! It’s Ben Affleck, and he wants to get you in a very uncomfortable place!

11/4/2000 — Penn

Ladies and gentlemen, now available in Fun Size, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” In the largest corporate grant in the University’s history, BP and Ford Motor Company have recently awarded Princeton 20 million dollars to study the greenhouse gases that contribute to the negative effects of global warming. We feel this is a shame, as there are many upsides to global warming too, such as the following:
  1. Melting of the polar icecaps would raise Princeton property values as the whole campus becomes oceanfront property.
  2. There would be more cases of spontaneous combustion, instead of the drudgery of day-to-day combustion.
  3. Tourists would flock to the tropical paradise that is Detroit.
  4. More people would light up at hash bars.
  5. Philadelphia, formerly the Greasy Armpit of America, would gain new recognition as the Nation’s Deep Fat Fryer.
  6. The Penn Band.
    • coffee,
    • Hot Pockets,
    • heated disputes,
    • sweet lovin’,
    • Schezuan bean curd,
    • Brooke Shields,
    • Mrs. O’Leary’s cow,
    • a moose in heat,
    • a heat wave, burnin’ through my heart,
    • tamales,
    • Hot Wheels,
    • a halogen lamp,
    • my roommate’s bread-maker,
    • magma,
    • smegma,
    • Hellfire!,
    • the Balkan Powder Keg,
    • and the desert, where no one remembers your name, ’cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain,
    • Have a full-contact, no-holds-barred cooking contest a la ‘The Iron Chef.’
    • Have the candidates’ alma maters play a football game next weekend.
    • Death Match Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots!
    • Pick a winner based on whose alma mater is ranked higher in U.S. News & World Report. Oh wait…
    • And according to the latest news, the Republicans have suggested flipping a coin-while the Democrats have suggested flipping a coin until Al Gore is declared the winner.
    • campaign,
    • champagne,
    • philandering,
    • Gerrymandering,
    • meandering,
    • hash bar,
    • Senatorial,
    • Gubernatorial,
    • janitorial,
    • Baltimore Oriole,
    • liberal,
    • literal,
    • conservative,
    • preservative,
    • incumbent,
    • redundant,
    • redundant,
    • redundant,
    • digital camera,
    • Gracie and Maggie,
    • Len the Lucky Stapler,
    • marmosets ain’t spankin’ my appendix,
    • rocking back and forth while he stands still,
    • couldn’t keep up on OA,
    • doesn’t own a tux,
    • troll feet!,
    • Take me to your lizard. Now never mention it again.
    • talking quietly on the phone,
    • every adverb,
    • medieval history,
    • Melissa and Paris think he looks like a chipmunk,
    • pork fried rice,
    • Wenger’ Hardly even know ‘er!
    • making sex,
    • honorary Jew
  7. (Band forms a small ‘p’ and plays “Fight On Pennsylvania”) And now, hotter than: It’s the single-double-rotating P! (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”

    11/11/2000 — Yale

    Ladies and gentlemen, we ask you to please rise for a moment of the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” So they don’t know who the next President of the United States will be, and they’ve decided to recount the votes in Florida. Several times. Realizing that this is getting us nowhere, the Band suggests these other ways to decide the next President: Forming an upside-down ‘Y,’ the Band asks ‘Y’ have these elections dragged on so long? (Band forms an upside-down ‘Y’ and plays “The Whiffenpoof Song”) And now, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Look out, Band! It’s Bill Clinton, and he’s still pressing the flesh!

    11/18/2000 — Dartmouth

    Ladies and gentlemen, tumbling onto the field like Lee Hadbavny on skis, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Today’s pregame show is dedicated to our outgoing President. No, not Bill Clinton. No, not Hal Shapiro; Princeton University Band President Lee Hadbavny! So if you don’t understand all the inside jokes, just wait for halftime. You’ll like halftime. But now, it’s time to play ‘Lee Hadbavny, This Is Your Life!’ Can you identify these people?
    (In Susan Merino voice:) Yay, Leatrice had a bad knee! PBS dance party!
    That one was’pretty easy. Now let’s try a tougher one.
    (In Chris Monsour voice:) Hello, hoooney. Hoooney, give me back my fridge. I HATE DIET COKE!
    Or how about this person?
    (In Maxim Shusteff voice:) Dude, guess which pants I’ll wear today. Your MOM’s pants. It’s A. Duie Pyle!
    We know you’ll know who this is:
    (In Bob Dylan voice:) Lee, you were really really early for my concert last night. And you’re tangled up in blue!
    Forming a little ‘d,’ for Dylan, the Band reminds you that there’s something else that starts with ‘D’ that you can toss, and on which there is a moratorium. (Band forms a small ‘d’ and plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”) Look what we found, Lee! It’s the: Double-double-rotating press pass! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating Press Pass and plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)