2001

Our announcer for the year was Dan Iglesia ’04.

9/29/2001 — Columbia

Ladies and Gentleman, It takes 38 Trustees to install a President, but it only takes one… Princeton University Band (Band Plays Princeton Forward) Yesterday Dr. Shirley Tilghman was installed as the University’s 19th President. The Band has uncovered documents revealing other candidates for the presidency and why they were rejected:
  • Steve Forbes and Bill Bradley both lost in the primary
  • President Shapiro’s Brother was found to be the evil twin
  • Prince wanted to change the our name to The University Formerly known as Princeton
  • Brother Stephen was Vetoed by God ’00
  • God ’00 wasn’t Canadian
  • No one knows why David Duchovny was rejected, but the truth is out there
  • Bill Clinton wasn’t concerned enough about the University’s endowment
  • Al Gore was rejected because there’s too much sculpture on campus already, and besides, we only hire real academics.
Forming Al’s Academic Reputation, the band says “Thank God this is Princeton” (Band forms a 0 and plays Hail to the Chief, segues into Call me Al) With the installation of our second consecutive Canadian President, and news that the French department has seceded from other Romance languages it seems like a Canadian plot to take control of the University is in full swing. Here are some changes we expect to see soon
  • Proctors will be replaced with Mounties
  • Baseball will be replaced with Varsity Curling
  • Nude Iditerod will be held in Holder Courtyard
  • Only Molson will be served at Reunions
  • The line between Princeton borough and township will be the longest undefended border in Mercer County
  • Our endowment will increase to 12 billion dollars… Canadian
  • The U-store will be duty free
  • Princeton Fur Traders, the new student agency
  • USG sponsored healthcare
  • And the Honor code will state “I pledge my honor that I have not violated the honor code, eh?”
But seriously, folks even though President Tilghman is from the great north, there’s no real danger of a Canadian Takeover. I repeat: En realité, le canada ne menace pas notre université. (Band forms flag with Maple leaf, which changes to a Princeton Flag and plays Oh Canada segues to We’re an American Band ) Run Away Band, it’s Celine Dion and she’s aboot to sing, eh?

10/6/2001 — Colgate

Rumbling onto the field like that backhoe outside your window … It’s The Princeton University Band (Band Plays Princeton Forward) We couldn’t help but notice the amount of construction going on around campus. As long as there is so much expansion going on, the band has some suggestions about what should be built next.
  • The Bradley-Nader-Forbes center for losing gracefully
  • Another overpriced coffee shop
  • WA 2
  • Replace the Woody Woo fountain with a Ball Pit
  • A statue of Princeton’s Soul to be sold to the highest bidder
  • A Grad Student petting zoo
  • An affordable bookstore
  • Oval with points 2, or Nixon’s Tricky Dick
  • And, Showcase our growing endowment by erecting a larger Butler Sundial
Showcasing our endowment, the band forms an erected sundial and plays Great Balls of Fire. (Band forms a sundial and plays Great Balls of Fire) Although it’s much less visible than the construction, the campus mail system has also undergone a lot of renovation. The first step was made when the staff of gorillas in the mailroom was replaced with chimpanzees. After discovering the chimps couldn’t read, we decided to hire Hahvahd grads then promptly switched back to chimps. Another switch to human beings was eventually successful, but due to a bureaucratic error, the workers were paid in bananas for over a decade. The mail system was further stimulated in the 70s with the introduction of the female system, bringing service to it’s current level. Since the 70s however, progress has stalled. In order to overcome this, the band suggests that the workers stop sampling all the Timothy Leary commemorative stamps. Forming a stamp the band invites the mail service to tune in, turn on, and drop out. (Band forms a psychedelic stamp and plays White Rabbit) Speaking of inefficient systems take the borough police (Please, No, Really). Recently the borough police have begun devoting more time to cracking down on Prospect Avenue. Here are our suggestions for better ways for them to spend their time.
  • Protecting and serving the people
  • Keeping an eye on Princeton Township police
  • Increasing doughnut runs 5000%
  • Synchronized night stick twirling
  • Partying on the street
  • Trimming the Chia Pets outside the Stadium
  • Making prank 9-1-1 calls
  • Enforcing noise ordinances against construction projects
  • stopping drunk Driving
  • Enforcing anti-trust laws against the U-Store
  • Obtaining search warrants BEFORE entering private residences
  • Teaching K-9 unit to catch a frisbee
  • And, experimenting with creative uses of Handcuffs
Experimenting with our own handcuffs the band plays, Hold on I’m Coming. (Band forms handcuffs and plays Hold on I’m Coming) Run away band it’s the borough police and they’ve got too much time on their hands.
 

BROWN October 13, 2001

Princeton and all members of the Ivy league share in the loss of September 11th, the memories of the victims live on, as we try to cope with the tragedy and move forward with hope, and in this spirit we present our more lighthearted halftime show. And so… Attention Janina Montero …. We’re BA-ack (Band Plays Princeton Forward) We heard that the number of assaults on campus has been rising faster than a politician at an internship convention. Because the Princeton Band cares about your safety, we’re offer some tips to help you stay safe.
  • Use Full Body Prophylactics
  • Dress up like a tree
  • Wear a belt of human scalps
  • Smell like the Brown Band
  • Run Current through your piercings
  • Always Protest in groups of three or more
  • Move to New Haven… oh wait
  • Always walk with a buddy … a slower buddy
  • Carry Mace, and a battle axe
  • Try not to walk around with hundred dollar bills taped to your naked body
  • And Intern for Gary Condit, they can’t hurt what they can’t find
Forming a question mark, the band suggests you draw your own conclusions. (Band forms a question mark, plays “She’s Not There”) The second joke was not performed (Moving from Townie Muggers to Brown Tree Huggers, we’ve heard that Brown Pacifists have had trouble expressing their pent up aggression. Here are some constructive outlets:
  • Squeezing in one more protest between lectures
  • S&M
  • Stockpiling nerf products
  • Dodgeball
  • Adding more strongly worded bumper stickers to their VW Bus
  • Piñatas
  • Building semi automatic Salad Shooters
  • Running Naked in the Snow
  • Getting really Miffed
  • Piercings, Piercings, Piercings
  • Adding Cleats to their Birkenstocks
  • Making Hemp nooses
  • Watching Brad Pitt movies and making soap
  • Growing Killer Tomatoes
  • Sharpening Olive Branches and Training Attack doves
  • And Practicing their Care Bear Stare … shown here actual size
(Band forms a Care Bear Stare, plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”)) Run Away, it’s the Bruin football team, and they look pretty Miffed

10/20/2001 — Hahvahd

Ladies and Gentlemen: It’s funny because it’s the Princeton University Band After we finished reading about grade inflation in the Globe, we picked up another periodical called US News and World Report. And guess what we found? That’s right, Princeton is the #1 University in the Country Again. Although Hahvahd may have more money than Princeton, it’s not the size of your endowment that counts, it’s how you use it. For instance:
  • Princeton is eliminating student loans to increase socioeconomic diversity, while Hahvahd is eliminating socioeconomic diversity
  • Princeton is planning to build a sixth residential college, Hahvahd is plotting to get rid of that pesky undergraduate college
  • Princeton Built a Friend center for engineering, while Hahvahd attempted to engineer a friend
  • Princeton is setting up programs that allow students to study abroad, Hahvahd is setting up programs that allow students to study broads.
  • Princeton has been working in the service of all nations, while Hahvahd has just been servicing itself.
  • And Princeton is renovating its Chapel; Hahvahd, on the other
  • hand, just finished hammering the final layer onto the golden calf.
Forming a false god, the band brings you to your knees (Band forms golden calf, plays Nearer my God to Thee, segue to Iron Man) (The following Joke deals with the Harvard Business School, and therefore is closed captioned for the humor impaired) After we finished the US News, we picked up a pamphlet from the Business School, called How to Succeed in Business, the Hahvahd way. Here are our favorite tips.
  • Two words Internet (That’s funny because internet is one word, not two, you see how this explanation thing works? We knew you’d catch on)
  • Find a box and think outside it. (That’s funny because it makes fun of an overused expression, and also because no one literally thinks inside a box. For those of you that prefer dated low brow humor, it’s also funny because said box)
  • Facilitate the implementation of a proactive poor screwing paradigm. (This is funny because it uses a lot of corporate buzzwords with no real meaning, and also because it calls you heartless SOBs)
Forming a profit-making paradigm we give you the business school’s best advice for success, graduate with honors, everybody else does. (Band forms two dimes and plays School’s Out) Look out Band, it’s the other group on campus with no sense of humor.
 

10/27/2001 — Cornell

Marching onto the field in straight lines … It’s the Princeton University Band Sophomore Steven Abt is running for Borough Council. If he wins, here are some changes that the community can expect to see.
  • Council meetings will begin with 15 minutes of awkward silence, because no one has done the reading
  • Nassau Street will be renamed, Class of 1956 Way
  • The Mayor will be replaced with a Canadian
  • Triumph Brew Pub will instate Bicker
  • The Borough will become composed almost entirely of White, Upper class Yuppies… oh wait
  • Prospective Residents will be referred to Dean Fred
  • And Orange Key Tours will now include, Your House
Forming Your House, the band asks when we can stop by. (Band forms a house, plays Call Me) Sometimes people criticize the band for not being very family friendly. Today we’d like to present a joke for the whole family Early one morning the Cornell country mouse woke up and decided he was tired of cramming for exams, milking cows, and serving continental Breakfasts. Instead of throwing himself into the gorge, he decided to see civilization, so he headed to Princeton. When he arrived on campus he was met by a super-smart white mouse who told him to avoid the squirrels, and then headed off to Bicker Ivy. The country mouse was left to wonder what there was to do around here for fun. (Band forms a bottle, plays Tequila) As the country mouse began wandering around campus, he became confused by the lack of cows, and decided to try to find a classroom, where he was further confused by the lack of alphabet above the blackboard. Just as he was about to head back to the gorge, he suddenly heard band music, but this band was funny and played well, nothing like the band back home. Sensing his distress, the band directed him to Forbes College. The converted hotel in the middle was perfect for any Cornell native. He arrived and finally felt at home. Then he was stepped on by a Frat boy returning from the street. (Band forms a shoe, plays Mickey Mouse theme segues to Kiss Him Goodbye) Watch your tail Band, it’s the farmer’s wife.
 

11/3/2001 — Penn

The Princeton University Midterm Break Band, takes a long, hard look at your future. Hey seniors, we know your last 8 or 9 years here have been fun, but it’s time to start thinking about your future. Because we know you’ll need all the help you can get, we’d like to offer a Princeton Review Guide to standardized tests. Let’s start with a sample analogy: Princeton is to Penn as a. Dom Perignon is to Andre b. A surprise party is to a dark, empty room c. Powdered sugar is to anthrax d. Freckles are to melanoma While all those are good answers, you have to be sure to pick the best answer, which is e. a nice hot bath is to a cold shower in the State Pen Forming a bar of soap the band says, you’d better pick that up. (Band forms soap, plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”) Now let’s move on to math. A train leaves Chicago traveling at 60 miles an hour, a second train leaves … (crumpling paper) … you know this seems a little too ambitious, there are some tests other than the GREs and LSATs you should be more worried about, like:
  • A field sobriety test: How many fingers am I holding up?
  • A fast food competency test: Do you want fries with that?
  • Pregnancy test: Who’s the daddy?
  • Paternity test: Who’s your daddy?
  • Hearing test: What?
  • Cosmo’s do I satisfy my lover test: Here’s a hint, No
  • A vision test: Ask for the one with pictures
  • And the Rorschach test.
Forming an ink blot, we ask what you see. (Band forms an inkblot, plays “I Can See for Miles”) Run away band, it’s the Penn fans, and they don’t have to wear shades
 

11/10/2001 — Yale

Thank God, that’s over, and now, for your halftime entertainment, it’s the Princeton University Band Princeton Forward Much to Yale’s dismay, it finds itself tied with Harvard in the US news rankings … at Number 2. Cheer up Yale, we know you’re not really like Harvard. For instance:
  • Harvard is known primarily for their professional schools, Yale on the other hand gains recognition from its Law and Medical schools
  • Harvard honors don’t mean anything, while honors at Yale mean nothing
  • Harvard’s annual giving rate is much lower than Princeton’s, but Yale alums give much less than Princeton Alums
  • And perhaps the most striking difference, Harvard Blows, while Yale Sucks
Doing some blowing of our own, no, the good kind, no, the other good kind. The band watches Yale come tumbling down. (Band forms a pedestal, plays Joshua) With options like Harvard and Yale, it’s a good thing Princeton is offering salvation to more students by increasing the size of the student body. But upperclass, conservative geniuses with Green hair aren’t the only people who stand to benefit. Alumni waiting to name things will have a whole new residential college up for grabs, and with fewer people to reject, the Admissions office will have more time to practice their award winning flamenco dancing Forming Dean Fred’s castanets, the band says “OLE” (Band forms castanets, plays Children of Sanchez) This year, Dean Fred isn’t the only one dancing Yale is entering their fourth century, and showing it. Here are some suggestions about how Yale should make the most of their tercentennial.
  • Drop Acid On your library Again
  • Suck Harder
  • Play Pin the Tail on the Bulldog
  • Break out the party hats, noisemakers and bulletproof vests
  • Pet the Bulldog in unnatural ways
And finally, we should all take this opportunity to reflect on what a Yalie really is. (Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”) Flashers spell Eli a Rare scum Anagrams to America Rules Flips to spell We’re Number 1 (Again)
 

The 2001 Show that Never Was

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni.If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/17/2001 — Dartmouth

Coming back onto the field like Michael Jordan, it’s the Princeton University Band This fall has seen a number of comeback attempts as Michael Jackson is attempting to salvage his reputation, and Michael Jordan is attempting to destroy his. Following this trend, other celebrities are on the comeback trail.
  • The energizer bunny is beginning a career in adult films, he keeps coming and coming and coming
  • Al Gore is making another run for office, he keeps appealing and appealing and appealing.
  • Barbra Streisand will begin one more final tour
  • Heidi Fleiss is setting up shop in Dartmouth with a flock of sheep
  • Tonya Harding will start a singing career by breaking Britney Spears’ knees
  • And Elian Gonzalaz is finding a bigger boat.
Forming Elian’s ride, the band says welcome back. (Band forms a boat, Plays Proud Mary) Hollywood is also on the comeback trail. After the disappointing summer season, the band is pleased to announce that Hollywood has returned to its proud tradition of quality and originality just in time for the holiday season. Here are some upcoming releases:
  • William Shatner stars as a green ogre with a bad toupee exploring the universe in Star Shrek
  • Pretty Woman II the wrath of Condit
  • The sequel to Gerard Depard … Gerard Depard – deux
  • Academy Award winning Director Steven Soderburgh presents: Traffic Jam, the story of the Smuckers Cartel
  • Follow that Bird 2 The Reckoning
  • Driving Miss Daisy 2 The Reckoning
  • Bambi 2 The Reckoning
  • The Jode family encounters super intelligent vineyards in their trek through California in Planet of the Grapes of Wrath
  • Peter Singer: Womb Raider
  • Ed Bradley and Andy Rooney mastermind a ring of car thefts in Gone in 60 minutes
  • And a Dartmouth frat boy embarks on a futile attempt to find love in American Pi Phi
Forming Pi, the band echoes the pleas of Frat Boys everywhere (Band Forms Pi and plays “Gimme some Lovin'”) And now, for Drum Major Patrick “They’re always after me lucky charms” Miller, Head manager Melissa “Melanie” Turitz, Student Conductor Melanie “Melissa” Papasian, and President David “Grammer Bitch” Turner, I’m Jenn “Hey, I’m supposed to be on the field” McVetty saying “Clear the way for Humanitarian aid.”