Our announcer for the year was Melanie Papasian ’03

9/21/2002 — Lehigh

We were not allowed to perform an original halftime show at Lehigh, because the folks in the Lehigh Athletics department decided they didn’t trust us. They didn’t think we would be funny. That superfluous squad of bureaucrats decided to flex the one small amount of power they actually had, in order to deprive us – and the entire crowd at the game – of mirth and merriment. We can only hope that someday they’ll look back on their insignificant lives and realize what a terrible mistake they’ve made.

9/28/2002 — Lafayette

Storming the field like a British invasion, it’s the Princeton University Band, baby! (“Princeton Forward”) It’s a brand new school year, and the Class of 2006 was welcomed onto campus with that infamous experience known as “Freshmen Orientation.” Here are some additions we’d like to see to make that experience more enjoyable:
  • Outdoor action trips to hunt Al Qaeda in Afghanistan
  • Firestone Fest
  • Open house at Cottage Club for the Kappa Kappa Kappa
  • To teach the importance of the Honor code, Freshmen get front row seats at “Southern Gentlemen Duel to the Death”
  • Reflections on diversity… of squirrels
  • Dinner with the Master, and champagne brunch with the Ass. Master
  • The Square Show … an evening of the Nassoons
  • Replace Cane Spree with a spree of caning old people
Forming a cane, the Band reminds you, when you beat old people with canes, they’ll jump, jive and wail. (Band forms a cane and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”) You might have seen the movie “A Beautiful Mind.” Here are some lesser known movies about famous Princetonians you probably didn’t see.
  • Mel Gibson plays a drunk, irate F. Scott Fitzgerald in “This Side of Hell”
  • Oprah as Toni Morrison in “The Book Club”
  • Walter Matthau plays Albert Einstein in “IQ”
  • Peter Singer is portrayed by Sylvestor Stallone in “All Your Life Are Belong to Us”
  • Sean Connery plays John Conway in “The Matrices”
  • Pamela Anderson is a buxom Meg Whitman in “E-Baywatch”
  • George Burns and George Clooney star as God in “Oh God, Where Art Thou”
  • Gerard Depardieu plays Fred Hargadon in “I know what you did last summer… And last fall, and the winter before that.”
  • Jimmy Stewart stars as Jimmy Stewart in “It Wasn’t Such a Wonderful Life After All”
Forming a Wonderful Life, the Band says: Carry On Wayward Son. (Band forms a smiley face and plays “Carry On Wayward Son”) (Band runs into end zone and begins changing uniform to become La Band de Lafayette) Yes, the British are coming, and if you want them to keep coming, and if you want to continue to see fine Band shows like this one, we ask that you become a member today. To give your pledge right now, call 258-5666. That’s 258-5666. You can become a member today. And you’ll receive a free gift as well:
  • For a pledge of $5, you’ll get a swath of plaid fabric
  • Pledge $15, get a Band CD (Band: “Please! No, really!”)
  • Pledge $69 and you’ll get a surprise visit from the Lafayette Band
  • For $200, you get your very own announcer to follow you around
  • Pledge $500, and receive an autographed pink flamingo
  • For $1500, the Band will play at your wedding
  • Pledge $2500, and the Band won’t play at your wedding
  • A pledge of $5000 will get your name in a halftime show. Does not apply to Peter Singer, Cornel West, or Hal Shapiro
  • $35,000 will get you a Princeton education
  • Pledge $20 million and get your name on this stadium
Our volunteers are standing by and time is running out, so call today. (Band is now prepared as the Band de Lafayette) Fleeing ze endzone like us, I mean, oui, it’s Ze Band De Lafayette, Hohn, Hohn, Hohn! (Band plays “La Marseillaise”) We visit your country from France, and we see your, how do you say, University, but we do not see many classes zat we would like to take. So here are classes zat, we, ze French, would like to see at ze Princeton.
  • Existentialism 101, with ze prerequisite Syphilis 101. See professeur for details.
  • Women’s Studies 265 — “Beating Old Ladies with Baguettes”
  • German 101
  • French 301 — “We were just following orders”
  • Jewish Studies 302 — “Ze Hell you were!”
  • Russian 206 — “Winter”
  • Sociology 002 — “Letting zem eat cake”
  • EEB 423 — “Frogs and snails: Delicate ecosystem, delicious appetizers”
  • Drama 101 — “Mimes” [Pronounced “Meems”]
  • Politics 383 — “Ze art of surrender”
Forming Surrender, ze Band De Lafayette says: School’s out. (Band forms a French flag and plays “School’s Out”. Red and blue in flag peel back to reveal a white flag) We noticed zat here in Princeton, zey say zat Le Penn is ze disgrace of ze Ivy League. What a coincidence! At home, Le Pen is ze disgrace of France. He was nearly elected, and we would surely have noticed some changes.
  • Blush wine would have been abolished in ze name of wine purity.
  • Notre Dame would have been renamed, Ta Mere
  • All stadiums would have been renamed, Le Palestra
  • France would have taken over Germany for once. Le Pen is mightier zan ze sword
  • France would have taken on Norway too, for Le Pen is mightier zan ze Fjord
  • Le Pen would become Pope, because Le Pen is mightier zan ze Lord
  • Ze French motto would have been changed to “Work will get you Brie”
  • Euro-Disney would remain exactly ze same
  • Ze trains would finally run on time
Forming ze TGV, Ze Band De Lafayette asks: Where do ze fascists get off? (Band forms a TGV car and plays “Night Train”) Run away, Band, ze British are coming!

10/5/2002 — Columbia

Swarming onto the field like self-important little creatures, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” New York is certainly known for its theater, and the hot new show in town was produced and performed by none other than the Columbia University Marching Band in the Liberty Bowl. The reviews are in, and here they are:
  • The Fordham censors said, “Loads of fun for the whole family.”
  • Fordham senior Elizabeth Kennedy says, “I laughed, I cried, I sued the Columbia band.”
  • The Catholic League says, “It’s about time the Lions got fed to the Catholics.”
  • God (Princeton Class of Aught) says, “You people need to lighten up.”
  • Columbia Poet Laureate Andy Hao opines, “Better than my last show, which isn’t saying much.”
  • Siskel and Ebert give it one thumb up… because Siskel is dead.
  • Rudolph Guliani called it, “Better than A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Fordham.”
  • And Bill Clinton says, “Almost as satisfying as the Sex Museum.”
Forming the newest addition to New York’s cultural milieu, the band reminds you that nothing is as satisfying as the Sex Museum, and we can’t get enough. (Band forms the Sex Museum and plays “Can’t Get Enough”) With the threat of eternal damnation, the Catholic League commanded the Columbia Band to perform penance. The Band was told to begin with 24 hours of solemn reflection on their knees. They were going to tithe ten percent of their band to engorge Fordham’s endowment… but nobody wants half a bowling pin. Then they were required to burn incense and be stoned, but they decided to combine them and smoke two joints. The Catholic League considered commanding self-flagellation, but realized the Band already did that enough, so instead the Band was simply subjected to the Miter Smiter. Finally, the Band was forced to write a clever halftime show, but since they obviously couldn’t do that, they were excommunicated and sentenced to the fiery depths of Hell. Sinking to the Columbia Band’s level, the Princeton Band forms the fiery depths of Hell. (Band forms the fiery depths of Hell and plays “Great Balls of Fire” ;drops to knees while playing) Run Away, Band! We have to beat the Columbia Band to the Sex Museum.

10/12/2002 — Colgate

Charging onto the field because they don’t have any Paw Points, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Ah yes, it’s Parents Weekend, and the Band thinks that instead of going to University sponsored events, parents should follow our advice. Start out by visiting all the beautiful green open spaces around campus. Stop by for a cold one in the Beverage Lab, and then stop by for another cold one in the cryogenics lab. Take a dip in the Woody Woo fountain, have a bite to eat in the rotating restaurant on the 13th floor of Fine Hall, and talk to one of the many conservative students. Visit John Nash, in his little cage, and then go to the UFO special late night porn extravaganza. Wake up bright and early to the peace and quiet outside your window, and stroll through the new Genomics building. Finally, have dinner at Ivy. They’re always open. Forming the most visible group at Ivy, the band reminds you, please don’t feed the Pi Phi’s. (Band forms a Pi Phi and plays “She’s Not There”) If you want to put your finger on the pulse of campus life, read the Prince… you’ll find it’s pretty weak. Here are some recent headlines we found:
  • If you don’t sign into Campus Club, Terrace has already won
  • Dod has an elevator. Wheeee!
  • Peter Singer advocates his own death
  • U-Store lowers prices, Nassau Weekly folds
  • Rumsfeld ’54 tells Prince staff to shove it
  • Prince staff shoves it
  • University announces moratorium on construction, Nassau Weekly folds
  • Public Safety officers can’t stop drinking
  • Prince’s one student reader graduates, Prince folds
Forming a folded Prince, the band suggests an alternate news source. (Band forms a folded paper-airplane Prince and plays “Washington Post March”) While sifting through spring break and egg donor ads, we found the following ads for guest lecturers.
  • Dr. Kevorkian puts students to sleep in Death Mechanics
  • Robert Toricelli corrupts young minds teaching Ethics in Public Policy
  • Strom Thurmond advises Senior Independent Work
  • John Ashcroft interrogates students during Civil Liberties
  • Brother Steven teaches a class of whoremongers and fornicators in Introduction to Religion.
  • Al Gore demonstrates a wide variety of facial expressions while leading Beginning Studies in Acting
  • And President George Bush reads from extensive notes by Condi Rice in Games of Strategery.
Forming a game of strategery, the Band reminds the President that Darryl Strawberry thought he could improve his game as well. (Band forms a 4-square chess board and plays “White Rabbit”) Look out Band, it’s George Bush, and he may have gotten that last joke.

10/19/2002 — Brown

Live from the New York Tri-State Area, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Everyone knows we have a beautiful campus, but what you probably didn’t know is that many buildings at Princeton have an interesting history. For example:
  • Spelman Hall was actually designed by Picasso in his triangle period.
  • Prospect Gardens was the original Garden of Eden, but God (Class of Aught) got tired of replanting it every week.
  • Cottage Club was originally a house of ill repute. Some things never change.
  • Fine Hall was going to be called Great Hall, but upon seeing it the architects were underwhelmed.
  • The Frist Campus Center was originally a laboratory where Albert Einstein worked.
  • The cannon hole in Nassau Hall was inflicted by Aaron Burr Hall, though it was aiming at Hamilton.
Forming Nassau Hall, the Band reminds you, guns don’t kill people, duels kill people. (Band forms Nassau Hall and plays “Peter Gunn”) (Cannonball hits the side of Nassau Hall at the end of the song) Corporate sponsorship is everywhere these days, and with its endowment performing more poorly than usual, the University has decided to be sponsored by McDonald’s. We think there may be some changes around campus.
  • Nassau Hall will become McDonald’s corporate headquarters, and the Alma Mater will be changed to Old McDonald.
  • University workers will finally get a pay increase.
  • Happy Meals will now include Prozac.
  • Princeton’s motto will be changed to: “You’ve had your break today.”
  • PUDS will become much healthier.
  • Nassau Hall will open a drive-thru to speed the service of all nations.
  • And finally, if Princeton becomes sponsored by McDonald’s, Brown students will have to settle for jobs at Burger King.
Forming Princeton’s new logo, the Band tells Brown to have it your way. (Band forms a P that morphes into the Golden Arches and plays “Any Way You Want It”) While we know that Brown students always like Happy Meals, we thought that there might be some other things that would them feel more at home here at Princeton.
  • Allow 4 PDFs per student… per semester.
  • Trim down New Jersey to include only the greater Trenton area.
  • Camouflage the E-Quad as a nature preserve and replace the engineers with trees.
  • Increase the number of assaults on campus.
  • Increase the hash shipments to campus.
  • The U-Store will introduce a new color: Hemp!
  • All of our Nobel Prizes will be replaced by Darwin Awards.
  • Marx Hall will be taken over by a disgruntled proletariat.
Forming the new Center for Communism on campus, the Band tears the roof off the sucker. (Band forms Marx Hall and plays “Tear the Roof Off the Sucker,” roof collapses) Run away Band, it’s the disgruntled proletariat, and they’re Class of ’84.

10/26/2002 — Hahvahd

Bringing some color commentary to Hahvahd, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Cornel West’s coming to Princeton from Hahvahd was big news this year. However, we bet you don’t know the real reasons behind his move.
  • Princeton has a Carl A. Fields center for cultural understanding, while Hahvahd has no cultural understanding.
  • We provide this side of paradise, while Hahvahd provides a side of fries.
  • Our most famous nutcase is a Nobel Laureate, but Hahvahd’s favorite nutcase is the Unabomber.
  • Princeton has a proud tradition of brilliant minds with tall hair, and welcomes hopeless Presidential campaigns.
  • But most importantly, at Hahvahd, Lawrence Summers only likes brown noses.
Forming President Summers’ ideal Hahvahd faculty member, the Band reminds you that the Hahvahd faculty isn’t even pretty fly. (Band forms a Hahvahd faculty member and plays “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” “black afro gets cut off) We were wondering what would happen if archaeologists excavated Cambridge in a thousand years. We think they might draw some conclusions about humanity from the remains of Hahvahd.
  • Apparently, despite their lack of technical know how, the place was littered with tools.
  • Examination of skeletal vertebrae revealed a disproportionate number of deaths due to backstabbing.
  • An amazing number of people were name Cum Laude.
  • The scientists found what they thought were important documents, but turned out to be merely worthless Hahvahd diplomas.
  • And the most amazing discovery was that people had such thick skulls.
Forming a thick skull, the band reminds you that Hahvahd has always been stuck in the past. (Band forms a thick skull and plays “Time Warp”) Back in 2002, it seems that once again, Princeton is number one, and Hahvahd is left holding their large endowment. Here’s our suggestions for how Hahvahd can get back on top.
  • Hire Arthur Anderson to calculate their acceptance rates.
  • Get off their knees and start climbing.
  • Bring back the Unabomber to spice up the lectures.
  • Access Yale’s admission website.
  • Change their name to Princeton.
  • Graduate more students with honors.
  • Begin asking Princeton alums for money.
The Band reminds Hahvahd, if they really want to get back on top, they’ve got to stop sending Princeton their best players. (Band forms a concert shell and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”) Flashers spell: A VARSITY MESS Flashers run around and anagram to VERITAS MY ASS Flashers flip letters over to spell TIGERS ON TOP! Run away Band, cause while they may be fast, Hahvahd’s already lost the race.

11/2/2002 — Cornell

Shivering on the field because we’re frozen to the icy tundra of Ithaca, it’s the Princeton University Fall Break Band! “Princeton Forward” We know that Cornell fancies themselves the hotel management capital of the Ivy League. We think that to truly claim that title, they need to add a new major, Motel Management. Suggested courses include:
  • Reflections on Mirrored Ceilings
  • Spatial Mechanics of the Vibrating Bed
  • Advertising at the High School Prom
  • Advanced Techniques in Recruiting: US/Mexican Border
  • Abnormal Psychology: Studies in Motel Desk Clerks
  • Economic Theory of Hourly Rates
  • Pillows: To mint, or not to mint?
  • How Not To Build Your Motel On The Edge Of A Gorge
Forming a crash course in motel management, the band reminds Cornell: If the motel’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’! (Band forms a motel teetering on the edge of a gorge and plays “Rock Around the Clock”) Moving from Cornell’s insecurity to airport insecurity, we’ve noticed that airlines have been trying everything to convince people the skies are once again safe for travel. Here are some ideas that didn’t work out so well.
  • Beating old ladies
  • Hiring the LAPD to provide security
  • Removing all non-attractive passengers from flights
  • Arming drunk pilots
  • Charging double for terrorists’ and quadruple for fat terrorists
  • Taxi-only flights
  • Ensuring that all luggage ends up on the wrong plane
  • Going bankrupt, and converting all flights to steamboat lines.
Forming the proudest of steamboats, the Band reminds you that if you don’t fly the friendly skies, the terrorists have already won. (Band forms a steamboat and plays “Proud Mary”) Run away, Band! Move those legs to prevent the onset of hypothermia.

11/9/2002 — Penn

Go-Go Gadget Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward”   The University’s recent proposal for a four-year college system has left us wondering exactly how the new residential colleges will fulfill the needs of upperclassmen.
  • Each residential college will install a taproom… but fail to get a liquor license
  • The Prospect 11 will be replaced by the Residential 6
  • The Queer Radicals and potheads will flock to Mathey F. College
  • Engineers who would have signed into Charter will go to Forbes instead because it’s closer
  • Residential colleges will close during Parents’ Weekend
  • Cannon Club will reopen as the 7th residential college
  • Hookups will be way more convenient because students will already be home
Forming a sweet piece of tail, the band says, gimme some residential college lovin’. (Band forms an ass and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”) The new residential college system isn’t the only change that may happen soon. The U-Store wants in on the action. If it were bought by Wal-Mart, who knows what might happen?
  • The U-Store’s new slogan would be, “Always High Prices, Honest”
  • U-Store employees would all wear smocks.
  • The Prince building would become a Sam’s club, finally putting the staff’s talents to good use.
  • Employees would wear name tags saying, “How may I service you and all nations”?
  • Some students could live in Wal-Mart shopping carts. Freshmen assigned to Butler singles rejoice.
  • But eventually, Target will move into Blair and drive the Walmart owned U-Store out of business.
Forming a target, the band says, William, Tell’em about our lower prices. (Band forms a target and plays “William Tell Overture”) (Wal-Mart smiley face in center flips over to a red Target center) With so much commercialism on TV these days, we were thinking that the University should produce some wholesome television shows for children.
  • Squirrels fly off the top of Blair Hall in “Rocky and Matheywinkle”
  • Children learn about the dangers of alcohol in “Prospect Street,” brought to you by the letters I, F, an’ V.
  • John Nash talks to imaginary numbers on “Square Root of -1”
  • Freshmen boys and senior engineers crawl around in search of play in “Rugrats”
  • Children discover the dangers of Dinky surfing in “Transformers”
  • Sororities have contests on the Nickelodeon favorite, “Girls Gone Wild and Crazy Kids”
  • LGBT student services teaches about the joys and toys of reading on “Reading Rainbow”
Forming the joys and toys of reading, the band says, “You don’t have to take our word for it.” (Band forms an open book with a rainbow and plays “Centerfold”)   Yo Band! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Prospect Street?

11/16/2002 — Yale

Taking a long, hard look at Yale, and retching in disgust, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Yale is the alma mater of that modern day Prince of Thieves, Robin Bush. Together with Little Dick Cheney, Friar Ashcroft, and their band of merry men, Robin Bush has had some exciting adventures as he robs from the middle class and gives to the super rich. Recently returned from a Crusade against the infidels in which he defeated the Sheriff of Afghanistan, Robin Bush set out to raze Sherwood Forest in search of oil reserves. Friar Ashcroft worked to block the civil rights of the merry men and bring religion back into politics, where it belongs. Now Robin Bush and Little Dick Cheney are off to lay siege to Prince Saddam’s palaces in search of booty and anthrax. Robin Bush plans to enter an archery contest where he’ll win the hand of Maid Marian by demolishing the bull’s eye with a smart bomb. Unfortunately, he’ll then lose her hand when the smart bomb outperforms him in a test of general knowledge. Forming a smart bomb, the Band suggests we hire General Knowledge to compensate for Little Dick. (Band forms a “smart” bomb that says E=mc^2 on it and plays “Theme from Robin Hood: Prince of Theives”) And now, a word from our sponsors.   Hi Yale. Are you suffering from Admissions Dysfunction? Concerned about premature matriculation? Are you feeling insecure about your online performance? In the past, doctors might have prescribed Early Action as a cure. But now there’s the little orange and black pill. It’s proven effective at keeping your website up all night. It’ll even pick up sagging admissions and raise a low applicant count. You’ll never again hear that your admissions office has a headache. Ask your doctor about the little orange and black pill. Side effects may include development of an Oedipal complex and complete loss of sense of humor. Forming a complete loss of sense of humor, we salute the Yale Band! (Band forms a “smart” bomb that says “[uspide down Y] = [frowny face]” and plays “Theme from Robin Hood: Prince of Theives”) Thanks Yale. We’ve so enjoyed our time. We’d stay longer, but we don’t think you can hack it.

The 2002 Show that Never Was

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni.If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/23/2002 — Dartmouth

Eschewing obfuscation, it’s Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” It looks like war with Iraq may be just around the corner. Music and war have gone together since at least the 60’s. To that end, we’ve compiled some of the greatest hits of the Iraqi Invasion.
  • “I Can’t Get No Coalition”
  • “It’s Been A Hard Day’s Fight… in the desert and urban areas”
  • “I Want To Hold Your Hand Grenade”
  • “We All Live in a Nuclear Submarine”
  • “Baby, You Could Drive My Car… but You’re A Woman”
  • “Lucy in the Sky with Predator Drones”
  • “Here Comes The Son… of Bush”
  • “I Get By With No Help From My Allies”
  • “Blackbird SR-71”
  • “Can’t Buy Me Weapons-Grade Plutonium”
  • And the biggest hit of the Iraqi Invasion: Baghdad.
Forming a leveled Baghdad, the Band reminds you that once the smoke clears, you can see for miles and miles. (Band forms leveled Baghdad and plays “I Can See For Miles”) Speaking of places with no redeeming qualities, take New Haven (Band: “Please! No, really!”). But seriously, we’re playing Dartmouth this week, and we’ve heard that Dartmouth has recently completed an initiative to increase diversity. Here’s how we think they did that.
  • They offered admission to more students who aren’t rich drunken frat boys.
  • They encouraged more aliens to apply by growing acres and acres of wheat.
  • They changed their name from the Big Green to the Big Rainbow.
  • They admitted more students who butter their bread butter side down.
  • They opened the first Chinese restaurant in New Hampshire.
  • They put Manischewitz on tap at all the frats on Friday night.
  • They turned all their Protestant churches to face Mecca.
  • And, they’ve been making use of more barnyard animals like goats and chickens to complement the sheep.
Forming a flock of sheep, the Band says, you can diversify all you want, but you’ll never find a friend like me. (Band forms a flock of sheep and plays “Friend Like Me”) And now, for Drum Major Dan “Yes Katie” Spector, Head Manager Katie “You’re all wrong” Lindl, Student Conductor “It was like that when we got here” Driscoll, and President Pat “It’s my Presidential right” Miller, I’m Melanie “Saucy Wench” Papasian saying, yo Band, get the flock out of here.