2002 Pregames

Our announcer for the year was Melanie Papasian ’03

9/21/2002 — Lehigh September 21, 2002

We were not allowed to perform an original pre-game show at Lehigh, because the folks in the Lehigh Athletics department decided they didn’t trust us. They didn’t think we would be funny. That superfluous squad of bureaucrats decided to flex the one small amount of power they actually had, in order to deprive us – and the entire crowd at the game – of mirth and merriment. We can only hope that someday they’ll look back on their insignificant lives and realize what a terrible mistake they’ve made.

9/28/2002 — Lafayette

Ladies and Gentlemen, launching onto the field like the last Soyuz space capsule, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” The Russian space agency is low on cash, so they’ve been renting out room on their space flights. Unfortunately, N*SYNC member Lance Bass couldn’t come up with the dough to be the next civilian in space. So here are some things the Russians might put in the cargo container that will go in his place:
  • Millions of worthless rubles
  • Someone with more money
  • Someone with more talent
  • An actual cosmonaut
  • Helium
  • All the stuff they can’t recycle
  • Some of those necessary components they were planning to leave behind
  • The black box
  • The Lafayette Band
Forming a little L for the Lafayette band, the Band says, we’ll see you at halftime. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the national anthem… of France. (Band Forms Little L and plays “La Marseilles”) And now, graduating with a certificate in Finance American Studies African American Studies Jewish Studies Political Theory Political Economy Environmental Studies Teacher Preparation Biophysics Applications in Computing Creative Writing Visual Arts Theater and Dance Neuroscience Music Performance It’s the Double, Double, Rotating P! (Band Forms Double, Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “Star Spangled Banner”

10/5/2002 — Columbia

(Note that this show was not performed due to Columbia Athletics’ failure to give us pregame time) And now, exercising out 1st and 17th amendment rights, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” We’ve heard that after some delay, New York’s brand new Sex Museum opens today. Here’s why we think this climactic event was delayed:
  • The Museum had a headache.
  • It wasn’t fully erected yet.
  • They couldn’t get their creative juices flowing.
  • The internet connection wasn’t ready.
  • They just couldn’t get anyone to come.
  • They only faked it the first time
  • Their last few packages hadn’t yet… arrived.
Forming a little “c” for arrived, the Band says, “We hope we aren’t late.” (Band forms little “c” and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”) And now, visiting other New York landmarks such as:
  • The Empire State Building
  • Coney Island
  • Central Park
  • The Statue of Liberty
  • McDonalds in Times Square
  • Rockefellar Center
  • Broadway
  • The Brooklyn Bridge
  • The Golden Gate Bridge
  • Yankee Stadium
  • The Guggenheim
  • Penn Station
  • 4th through 7th Avenues
  • The United Nations
  • Certainly not Columbia University
It’s the Double, Double, Rotating P! (Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Run away band, it’s the lawyers!

10/12/2002 — Colgate

How you doin’? It’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” We’ve had classes for quite a while now, so we’ve had plenty of time to watch the sludge that passes for television these days. Leading the charge is FOX, and here are some of their specials that haven’t yet made it on the air.
  • Who Wants to Marry an Axe-Murderer?
  • Bachelorettes in Siberia: Looking for Love in the gulag
  • Geraldo’s Tragic Death in Afghanistan
  • Good Chinese Food Gone Bad
  • Illegal Alien Autopsy
  • Fat Football: The XXLXFL
  • When Fox Specials go bad/attack/or are revealed
  • Conspiracy Theorem: Where’s the Proof?
  • Cardiac Arrest: When Hearts Attack
  • And, America’s Greatest Nuclear Secrets, Revealed
Revealing our greatest nuclear secrets, the band forms a little “c” for Chernobyl. (Band forms little “c” and plays “Fight Fight Fight”) And now, winning the Nobel Prize like:
  • Toni Morrison
  • Daniel Kahneman
  • John Nash
  • Daniel Tsui
  • Joseph Taylor
  • Val Fitch
  • Woodrow Wilson
  • Eugene O’Neill
  • A. Michael Spense
  • Russel Holse
  • James U. Cronin
It’s the Double, Double, rotating P! (Band forms Double, Double, rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “Star Spangled Banner”

10/19/2002 — Brown

Ladies and Gentlemen, picketing onto the field like the Brown students we’re glad we’re not, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” In these troubled financial times, the Band has been reading the Wall Street Journal to see if our 401K is still worth enough to buy a pair of 501 Jeans. Lately we’ve noticed a new column in that prestigious paper, and here’s this week’s article, “Martha Stewart’s recipe for cooking the books” Ingredients:
  • 1 Corrupt CEO
  • A pinch of plausible deniability
  • 1/2 cup dillweed, for a bit of flavor
  • 1 kilo smoked oregano
  • A tall cool glass of governmental-ade, It’s a good thing.
Directions: Go out and buy two senators or if you’re short on cash, five (5) New Jersey congressmen, and mix vigorously in a crooked accounting firm. Put in stock market and let simmer for three months. Blend until smooth. Arrange tastefully on a bed of shredded documents. Serve cold with a subpoena and a side of denial. And don’t forget to finish off the meal with some J-A-I-L-O. Forming a little “B” for Brown, the Band reminds you, there’s always room for Jail. (Band forms little ‘b’ and plays “Brown Cheering Song”) And now, it’s the: Pi and only Army of Pi Pi Singular Sensation Pi is the loneliest number Pi way street This Pi time, at band camp Bet you can’t each just Pi Pi flew over the cuckoo’s nest Another Pi bites the dust You’re my Pi and only Win Pi for the Gipper Pi fine day Pi true love Pi life to live Pi if by land, 2 if by sea Double, Double, Rotating P! (Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “Star Spangled Banner”

10/26/2002 — Hahvahd

Marching onto the field like a duck in a noose, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” Princeton’s Daniel Kahneman recently won a Nobel Prize, and we couldn’t help but notice that no one at Hahvahd did. Here are some prizes they might have a better shot at:
  • Best Supporting University in Cambridge, Massachusetts
  • A Princey – for creative journalism
  • A Lawrence P. Elpin award for excellence in penal colonies
  • A Grammy, it’s worthless anyway
  • A 48 inch stuffed tweety bird
  • A Soul Train Award
  • $10 for second place in a beauty contest
  • And, a BIg H. Bird Jr. prize for shapes and letters
Forming this week’s letter, a little h, the Band asks, How do we get to Sesame Street? (Band forms little ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”) And now, playing the…
  • Penn State Nittany Crimson
  • Notre Dame Fighting Crimson
  • Alabama Crimson Crimson
  • Santa Cruz Crimson Slugs
  • Cornell Big Crimson
  • North Carolina Crimson Heels
  • Duke Crimson Devils
  • Wake Forest Demon Crimson
  • Ohio State Crimson Eyes
  • Minnesota Crimson Gophers
  • Rutgers Scarlet Crimson
  • Western Kentucky Crimson Toppers
  • Maryland Terra Crimson
  • But certainly not the Hahvahd Crimson
It’s the Double Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “Star Spangled Banner”

11/2/2002 — Cornell

Buzzing onto the field like a tickle me elmo, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” We’ve heard that the University Health Center is considering dispensing personal satisfaction devices. We know what Cornell students will really do with these devices.
  • Beat old people rapidly
  • Conduct a really fast song
  • Use it to demonstrate simple harmonic motion
  • Amaze their friends by making it disappear
  • Tenderize meat
  • Give a massage
  • This one time, at band camp, they used their vibrator like a flute
  • And keep warm on those cold Ithaca nights
Forming a vibrating C for Cancun, where we’d truly like to be, the band says, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weener. (Band forms little C and plays “Cayuga’s Waters”) And now, not playing such Cornell songs as:
  • Red Eyed Girl
  • Pretty Fly for a Red Guy
  • We all live in a Red Submarine
  • Red Onions
  • Red Rabbit
  • Back in Red
  • It’s Not Easy Being Red
  • Play that Funky Music Red Boy
  • Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Red Polka Dot Bikini
  • Rhapsody in Red
  • Mellow Red
  • Red, da ba dee da ba die
  • Red Haze
  • Red Rain
It’s the Double, Double Rotating P! (Band Forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Yo Band, Get off!

11/9/2002 — Penn

Reeeeecola! It’s the Princeton University Band! “Cannon’ The recent elections across the country contained many strange and unusual things on the ballot. And the propositions were weird too. Here are some propositions you probably didn’t catch on the ballot. (a) Dead people will get 2 votes instead of only 1 (b) Resolved: The terrorists have already won (c) Legalize the use of Crack Cocaine for medicinal purposes (d) Allow tag team Senate campaigning in New Jersey (e) Toughen the penalty for political ethics violations by mandating a slap on the wrist (f) The Penn Band Forming a small P for propositions, the Band says, nice pants, wanna come back to our place? (Band forms small ‘p’ and plays “Fight on Pennsylvania”) And now, after eating such cereals as:
  • Honey Bunches of Quakers
  • Quaker Quakers
  • Lucky Quakers
  • Special Quakers
  • Cream of Quaker
  • Shredded Quaker
  • Cracklin Quaker Bran
  • Captain Quaker
  • Alpha Quakers
  • Quaker Pops
  • Quaker O’s
  • Quaker Flakes
  • Quaker Puffs
  • Nut ‘n’ Quakers
  • Raisin Quaker
It’s the Double Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the playing of our national anthem. “Star Spangled Banner”

11/16/2002 — Yale

In the beginning, God created Pat, and the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” With all of the corrupt politics in his home state of Wisconsin, band president, Pat Miller, decided to go home and run for office. He ran on a platform of rhetoric and old fashioned Old Fashioneds, and he won. After the band played at his inauguration, we realized that his inauguration address was entirely plagiarized from Richard III. As his first order of business, Pat changed the official language of Wisconsin to Russian, and then he promptly changed it back. The vodka stayed. Pat’s approval rating fluctuates with the state of his beard, and strangely, all the lobbyists are named Mel. Now, Pat has established a state theater that will lead to political turmoil for 100 years. Forming a little Y… why? Because we like Pat. The band says, Pat, you changed the Wisconsin state animal to a trombone. Why not a cigar? “Whiffenpoof Song” (Band forms little Y) And now, for our president Pataphone Patatonin Patancholy Patodius Gargapat Apatoriate Carapat Patissa Patanie Patodrama Spatly Waterpaten Patanoma Pel-pat It’s the double, quadruple, rotating 4-leaf clover of cheese! “Going Back” (Band forms double quadruple rotating 4-leaf clover of cheese) Paging Mr. Miller, your band is illegally parked with its lights on in the Lale Bowl.

11/23/2002 — Dartmouth

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be in the Princeton University Band! “Cannon” With UN arms inspectors back in Iraq, Saddam’s been busy rolling up his sleeves and shoving everything he owns into the back closet. Here’s what he’s been hiding:
  • Repressed Minorities
  • 1001 Arabian pairs of shoes
  • Britney Spears’ virginity
  • Florida Presidential ballots
  • A Dartmouth Band jacket
  • The class of ’58
  • Sand that he’s hoarding, just in case
  • And of course, weapons of mass destruction
Forming a little D for destruction, the band reminds you that when Saddam comes out of the closet, he’ll leave behind a few skeletons. “As the Backs Go Tearing By” (Band forms a little D) And now, reminding you:
  • It’s not easy being Dartmouth
  • Dartmouth eggs and ham
  • The grass is always Dartmouth on the other side
  • Make sure to eat your Dartmouths
  • Dartmouthland is the world’s biggest island
  • The leaves that are Dartmouth turned brown
  • Dartmouth acres is the place to be
  • The Dartmouth berets
  • Dartmouth with envy
  • The Dartmouth mile
  • Little Dartmouth men
  • You what they say about the Dartmouth M and M’s
It’s the Double, Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “Star Spangled Banner”