Our announcer for the year was Matt Samberg ’07
Note: Unfortunately, scripts from the 2003 football season faded into time faster than expected. While we managed to salvage and preserve some of the season, it appears that the others might have faded into the mists of time. If you happen to have a copy of these shows, please, please, please let us know!
9/20/2003 — Lehigh
For the first time ever, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)
We heard that Lehigh posted a “first year survival guide” for their new students. In response, the band decided that we should make one of our own. (The announcer edited the next few sentences.) Sure we care about Princeton’s students, but what about their parents? Here’s a Parents’ guide to overcome the “Empty Nest Syndrome”
- learn to use e-mail.
- start a life of crime
- [cut]invest in a dwarf, epileptic mail-order child
- Surgically insert a webcam into your child’s head
- Join the Coast Guard
- Order a [cut: blowup doll] life-sized inflatable doll with the likeness of your son or daughter
- Surprise your kids by getting a job in Dining Services
- [cut]Attach a metal collar to your child’s neck, and DON’T push the detonator button
- One word: CLONING
- Stop ignoring all you other children
- Fake your own death; they’ll be home in no time
- Have your child surgically attached to your hip or whatever suits you best.
- [cut]Share you child’s experience by drinking until the last thing you remember is booting into a trashcan. (Forming a boot, the band plays “Tequila.”)
- Buy a large waterbed… the overhead mirror is optional.
Forming a waterbed, the band plays “Everybody Needs Somebody”
(Band forms a water bed and plays “Tequila”)
Parents want to know that their children are safe, so the next portion of our survival guide gives some suggestions on how to stay safe on campus:
- DON’T be a freshman girl
- Don’t make eye contact with the Grad Students
- Surround yourself by Public Safety officers
- Avoid the roving street gangs of Princeton (pause) High School
- Beat up your roommate to establish dominance
- OR declare yourself his [cut: bitch] special friend
- Deny visas to all international students
- Use the patch to avoid worms and vulnerabilities
- Be unlisted in the face book
- Feel free to Walker or Holder, but avoid Clapp
- Don’t go somewhere where you will be alone, [cut: like football games] like Lehigh on a weekend.
- Attach a blue light to your forehead
- And if you live in Butler, NEVER drop the soap!
Forming a horrified bar of soap, the band plays “Jailhouse Rock.”
(Band forms a bar of soap, one trash member holds up a sign saying “Fight Club” in the middle of the soap, while others run around blowing bubbles, and plays “Jailhouse Rock.”)
We in the band have made a lot of mistakes in our time. Here are some mistakes you should never make:
- Forgetting to bring your Chinese to English dictionary to math class
- Forgetting to knock after your parents bought the large waterbed (pause) YOUR parents!
- Endangering your life by putting A Post-it note on your means of egress.
- Joining the Wind Ensemble instead of the band. PETER.
- Walking into McCosh 50 and asking for [cut: the Morning After Pill] a pregnancy test.
- Misinterpreting the statue behind the Chapel… and every other statue on campus
- Believing that Public safety helps the public or provides safety
- [cut]Sex Change
- Getting excited when Dean Deigman e-mails you telling you to SCORE
- Trying to pick up girls at a party thrown by [cut: Aquinas] the Princeton Theological Seminary.
- Inviting the Fire Inspectors in for a candlelight dinner
- Attending anything described as mandatory
- Touching anything in the TI Taproom
- Getting touched in the TI taproom.
Forming the TI taproom, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin’.”
(Band forms a tap room [one trash member holds a paper cutout of a keg, while others chase the “keg” around the taproom] and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”)
Run away, band, it’s Lehigh, and they’re looking for a special friend!
9/27/2003 — Lafayette
Note: We have no show available for this weekend, most likely due to the fact that the band hasn’t performed at Lafayette for several years.
10/4/2003 — Columbia
Back on the field for our weekly fix, it’s the Princeton University Band!
After their horrendous 0 and 12 season last year, Columbia University was desperate for talent. Columbia’s scouts were up late one night watching Telemundo, when they saw a talented fùtbol team with the same name. Hoping to learn the tricks of the trade, Columbia University decided to send their football players down to play against South America’s finest-the Columbia fùtbol team.
When the teams had their first scrimmage, Columbia U didn’t fare so well. They were distracted by acres and acres of lush, green weeds. By the end of the scrimmage, the New York players had all been issued red cards while the Columbian players were issued Green cards. Although the University’s team lost, they didn’t feel so bad because the other team never got their hands on the ball either.
Both teams admitted that the fùtbol game was a learning experience and there were no hard feelings. In the spirit of cultural exchange, the students got really close with the grounds crew. So close that they offered to help by doing lines.
Forming lines on the field, the Band admits that we “Can’t Get Enough,” either.
(Band forms lines and plays “Can’t Get Enough”)
Frustrated by their inability to score on the field, the Columbia University football team looked for satisfaction elsewhere. Not being in New York, the team had a more difficult time finding high school girls who were not already married. Luckily, the American team gained a reputation among the local sports fans for their unusually shaped [cut:balls] footballs. The Columbians found these balls awkward to handle, but fun to pass around.
For the American team, going down to foreign lands led to coming down with an exotic disease. In the end, the Columbia team [cut: proved that football fever is more contagious when you use unusually shaped balls] came back with a serious case of football fever.
Forming American style balls, the band plays “Great Balls of Fire”
(Band forms two footballs and plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
Just when it seemed that things couldn’t get any worse, THEY DID!
(During “Great Balls of Fire” the Drum Major danced around the field with a large inflatable palm tree. When the song finished, she stopped dancing and stood with the palm tree centered between (and slightly above) the two footballs the band formed on the field. The Drum Major turned the tree upside-down, and when the announcer said, “they did,” she stabbed the palm tree with a pocket knife, let it deflate rapidly, and dropped it to the ground.)
Mosey away, band! Columbia’s back, and they’re faster, stronger, and oh so much higher.
10/11/2003 — Colgate
Recalling the Colgate Band, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)
And now, a word from our sponsors: (Next part was spoken with an Arnold S. accent. We actually used two different announcers. It rocked!)
Guten Tag. I am Arnold Schwarzenegger. You may recognize me from political documentaries such as “Conan the Barbarian” and “Conan the Destroyer.”
Now that I have seized the title of “govenator,” I am one step closer to being the President of the United States. So the next step that we will take will be to issue a recall against President Bush. We will call it “Total Recall 2: Judgment Day.”
You should vote for me because I campaign on a platform made from reinforced concrete because it is the only material that can support my massive biceps.
And unlike other politicians, I only tell “True Lies.”
Truthfully, who would you rather vote for? My bicep.or my OTHER bicep!
Look what happened to Gray Davis. The people don’t want Gray! They want lusciously tan and golden brown.
If you would like to know more about my policies on crime, religion, and abortion, please see “Kindergarten Cop,” “End of Days,” and “Junior” respectively.
I will appoint both my biceps to Attorney General, and they will prosecute the criminals to the utmost extent of my fists.
I intend to solve all energy crises single-armedly by attaching a generator to my titanic biceps! (we may have cut this line due to time constraints)
So remember to vote “Ja” for Arnold Kennedy Schwarzenegger Kennedy for the next recall election.
This is what I desire, but desire is irrelevant! I am a machine!
(Band forms a bicep and plays “Iron Man”)
And in other news, we’d like to update our audience on some of the things President Bush found while searching in Iraq for weapons of mass destruction.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Saddam’s long lost twin brother, Gomorrah
- [cut]Arab-sniffing dogs who are comatose due to over stimulation
- A sensible plan to garner UN support
- Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location
- Jimmy Hoffa
- A nasty case of syphilis
- Lots and lots of sand
- [cut]Saddam’s dwarf harem
- 87 billion dollars
Stealing from the poor and giving to the military, the band forms a bag of gold.
(Band forms a bag of gold, and plays “Prince of Thieves”)
Run away band, it’s 4 out of 5 dentists, and they’re recommending the other band!
10/18/2003 — Brown
Ladies and Gentlemen! Do you know how many licks it takes to get the center of the Princeton University Band?
(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)
Seeing as the economy is fairly poor, and the Princeton grads have shut the Brown grads out of all the I-banking jobs, we thought we’d suggest some alternative uses for your Brown diploma.
- Join the Princeton Band
- Paint it orange
- Cross out half the words and use it as a MadLib
- Use it to wipe your ass
- Cut it into small squares and use as toilet paper
- Learn Latin
- [cut]Use it as a tube sock replacement
- Smoke it
- Sit on it and spin
- Give yourself paper cuts
- Write on the back, “Will work for food”
- Use it to pick up women… very light women
- Use it to stuff your bra and/or crotch
- And finally, put it on the application for your NEXT undergraduate college.
(Band forms a Brown diploma and plays “School’s Out”)
Between Roy being attacked by his tiger and the tiger being discovered in an apartment in NY, we started to contemplate the wisdom of keeping certain animals as pets. Here’s a list of animals we would NOT want living in our very, very fine house.
- Sheep… oh, wait, wrong school
- [cut]Blood-thirsty piranhas
- [cut]Overly frisky walruses
- Mutated sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their foreheads
- [cut]Mutated dwarfs with frickin’ laser beams attached to their foreheads]
- Crabs… of all shapes and sizes
- A giraffe in heat
- ROUSs…oh, I don’t think they exist. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
- Horny toads… very horny toads
- Glow in the dark sperm whales
- A double, double rotating peacock
- [cut]Well-endowed squirrels
- Flocks of flying monkeys
- A dildo… oops, I mean Dodo
Forming a Dodo on the field, the Band plays “Birdland.”
(Band begins to form a dildo, but the announcer yells, “Band! I said DODO! The band then forms a Dodo bird and plays “Birdland”)
Run away, band, it’s a very horny toad, and it’s coming your way!
10/25/2003 — Hahvahd
There once was a man from Nantucket who had a…Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field because they fucked us over and had a presentation that ran late.)
(Movie-trailer announcer voice): In a land where Crimson is king, a storm is brewing. Cap’n Larry Summers encounters fierce resistance from his own faculty and administration. Does this foretell mutiny? In a heartwarming coming-of-age story, professors embark on a journey to transform themselves from tweed-wearing landlubbers to rum-swilling scalawags. As the Law School leads a ragtag crew to wrest the wheel from their president’s scurvy hands, corduroy elbow patches become eye patches. Parrots squawk, “Publish or perish! Gotta get a Nobel! Awk!” And Harvard is decorated with school colors as never before, as innocent bystanders are run through with cutlasses.
Get ready for the motion picture event of the semester as the mutineers attempt to knock Cap’n Summers, but not their students’ grades, below C-level. [cut: Starring famed Hollywood actor Cornel West as President Summers.] This movie is rated Arrrrr for: Lust. Passion. Intrigue. And entrails. Entrails. Entrails. Coming soon to a fifth-rate university near you!
(Band forms pile of entrails and plays “Get Ready for This)
(Regular announcer voice): All intrigue aside, Harvard is a great place. Don’t you think so? Harvard certainly does! They’ve decided to give out awards to those who embody the characteristics they most admire in themselves. Recipients of the Harvard Award for Excellence in Mediocrity include:
- Double fudge chocolate cake, for being sickeningly rich
- Strom Thurmond, for being racist close-minded, out-dated, and having no life
- [cut]Mother Teresa, for not getting any (assuming you can pry the necrophiliacs from her cold, dead body)
- [cut]Tampax, for not looking so great in crimson, either
- Canaries, for producing so many little twits
- The Princeton University Band, for [cut: pissing] relieving themselves on the John Harvard statue
- [cut]Cocaine, for being so white
- The Department of Homeland Security, for making the connection between crimson and very bad things
- A scarecrow, for smiling bravely while having such a large stick up its rear
- The Cubs fan from Game 6, for being hated by millions
- The Boston Red Sox, for being perennial losers
- [cut]Canada, for producing so many Eh’s per capita
- Joshua Burton, for being here
Forming a trophy, the band plays “Joshua.”
(Band forms trophy and plays “Joshua”)
Run away, band! It’s the John Harvard statue, and he looks [cut: pissed] peeved!
11/1/2003 — Cornell
Direct from Greenwich Village, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)
We think Cornell is Hell. Don’t agree? Here are some similarities. Both have:
- An excess of the color red
- Toil and suffering
- Crappy mascots, but really great hockey teams
- Locations that are very far from anywhere else
- Futile laboring
- Recurring death
- Heavy-handed architecture
- [cut: Weather that is STANK] Really predictable weather
- Thousands and thousands of people from Long island.
- And once you arrive at either place, you’ll never find your way out!
Forming the thousands of lost souls at Cornell (not drawn to scale), the band plays “Land of a 1000”
(Band forms an crowd and plays “Land of 1000 Dances”)
You may notice that there aren’t many students at the game today. Some say it’s because it is fall break, but we think it’s because they are:
- Watching paint dry
- [cut]Having sex with your granddaughter
- Trying to grow new limbs
- Living on a prayer
- Sending in box tops for the free prize
- [cut]Tightening their assholes
- Having one too many
- Looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow
- [cut]Tossing dwarves
- Giving candy to the kids that have been locked in their basement since Halloween
- And, finally, getting arrested
(Band forms handcuffs and plays “Hawaii 5-0”)
NOTE: We ended up cutting this entirety of the next joke because after the censors got to it, it just wasn’t funny anymore…. Access it here.
Run away band, it’s the Cornell football team and they’re trying to score!
Unfortunately, the scripts for the rest of the season seem to have slipped into the great unknown.