Our announcer for the year was Matt Samberg ’07
Note: Unfortunately, scripts from the 2003 football season faded into time faster than expected. While we managed to salvage and preserve some of the season, it appears that the others might have faded into the mists of time. If you happen to have a copy of these shows, please, please, please let us know!
9/20/2003 — Lehigh
Storming on the field in much the same way Hurricane Isabel did not, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Bands plays “Princeton Cannon Song”)
Inspired by Isabel, the Band has decided to pay tribute to a number of other notable failures:
- All-plaid lingerie
- The writing seminar program
- The Bay of Pigs
- Princeton thongs… for men
- Russian submarines
- The George W. Bush administration
- The flourishing democracy in Afghanistan
- The “Snacks for wax” program
- Princeton presidential candidates
- The Prince… of Denmark
- Titanic… the MOVIE
- Last, and most certainly least, LEHIGH
(Band forms lower case L and plays “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)
And now: More popular than Sean Connery More delicious than Frist chicken tenders More controversial than the Tory More dynamic than Cornell West More attractive than Ed Persia More guilty than OJ Simpson More qualified than Arnold Schwarzenegger More heart-stopping than Dick Cheney More electrifying than the New England blackout More colorful than the department of homeland security?s warning system More holy than thou More dumberer than a Jim Carey movie More horny than the Canadian Brass More powerful than Shirley Tilghman… just joking Shirley! Don’t kill us! More transitive than A, then B, then C More awesome than ninjas… and by awesome, I mean totally sweet! More self-referential that the Princeton University Band It’s the Double, Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)
9/27/2003 — Lafayette
Note: We have no show available for this weekend, most likely due to the fact that the band hasn’t performed at Lafayette for several years.
10/4/2003 — Columbia
By your powers combined, we are the PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND.
(Band plays “Cannon”)
To boost the moral of the Columbia team, we were compiling a list of teams who had lost more games than Columbia. Sadly, we couldn’t think of a single one, Instead, we decided to put together a list of teams who had better records than the Columbia football team:
- The Boston Red Sox
- The Jamaican bobsled team
- Anyone fighting against Rocky
- The A-team
- The French in World War 2
- The Iraqi Republican National Guard softball team
- Charlie Brown’s baseball team
- The Bulgarian Quidditch Team
- The dyslexic Scrabble team
- The French in World War 1
- The Washington Senators
- The real Washington Senators
- Kenny, from South Park
- The Columbia Basketball team… Oh, wait, no
- The Communists
- The Spanish Armada
- The French in the Franco-Prussian War
- And finally, the Columbia band
Forming a miniscule ‘c’ for “consolation prize,” the band reminds Columbia that your moms still think you’re cool.
(Band plays “Roar Lions Roar”)
And now, presenting the new and improved Instigating Playa-hating Pontificating Masticating Flagellating Self-deprecating Confiscating Checkmating Laminating Carbonating Illuminating Evacuating Panty-raiding Rejuvenating Invading Radiating Invigorating Stimulating Vibrating Double Double Rotating P!
(Band plays “Going Back”)
10/11/2003 — Colgate
V’yomer ADONAI el-Moshe laymor.It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band plays “Cannon”)
Well, it’s parents’ weekend again, and to avoid sending parents home with the wrong impression of their child’s experience on campus, we decided to advise parents about places on campus to avoid:
- Your son’s dorm room after dark… if his rooms a’rockin’, don’t come a’knockin’
- Your old dorm room
- The TI taproom
- [cut]The liquor cabinet in your child’s room
- PJ’s Pancake House
- Terrace F. Club…. unless you really want to relive the 70s
- The deep, dark bottom of the Woody Woo Fountain
- West College… they’ll ask you for more money
- McCosh Health Center… they’ll try to convince you you’re carrying another little
- Princetonian…. [cut: Dads, this applies to you too]
- The Grad College… although you’d never be able to find it anyway
- The Princeton School of Dentistry
Acknowledging that we don’t actually have a dental school, the band forms a little “c” for cavity, and realizes that it should have taken advantage of Colgate.
(Band plays “Fight Fight Fight”)
And now, Fluoride-enhanced Tooth-whitening Orally stimulating Minty-fresh Tartar-controlling Plaque-busting Baking soda and peroxide containing Three-layered Triple Action, Action, ACTION Breath-freshening Gingivitis killing Antiseptically-enhanced Coming in a pump or a tube ADA approved Working while you sleep so you don’t have to It’s the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!!!!
10/18/2003 — Brown
This halftime show was performed with the Brown band. Their parts are in parentheses.
(The year is 1928. The stock market is soaring. Things will be happy and wonderful forever, just like the Brown Band.)
(Band runs on field and then plays “Cannon” without repeat)
(In our mutual search for the truth about the Depression, the bands turned to Fox News, home of the truth. We learned that the crash was caused by the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, and the dust storms were nothing more than a foreshadowing of Clinton’s affair. Coming together to form Bill O’Reilly’s gigantic head, the bands will salute our hero with NFL on Fox.)
(bands form football, play NFL on Fox. Note: We did not have an arrangement of NFL on Fox, so we stayed in our lines until the song ended and scrambled with the Brown Band.)
But what finally pulled America out of the Depression? Was it…
- (A: A very long rope?
- B: FDR’s WPA initiative to distribute food and shiny objects to downtrodden citizens?
- C: The same thing that got us out of the last recession, Bob Dole and Strom Thurmond?
- D: Penicillin in the drinking water?
- E: Repealing the prohibition
- F: The Princeton Band.) Wait! I thought we agreed on “F The Brown Band.” (Umm… F The Penn Band? That’ll do!)
(The bands form their respective choices as the Brown Band plays the Brown Cheering Song.)
(Band forms lower case ‘B’ and plays the waltz/conga of the Brown Cheering song when Brown stops playing)
And now, forming the symbol that represents: Power Momentum Phosphorous Rho, if you’re Greek Applied loadbrackets Pressure Urine Probability density Little green vegetables Polynomial time Protein Parsec Pirate Piano Point-to-point protocol The grade that Brown students like to receive It’s the Double, Double Rotating P!
(Band plays “Going Back”)
(Band stays on the field while Brown plays the anthem. We run off the field together.)
10/25/2003 — Hahvahd
Running onto the field faster that Harvard security, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Bands plays “Cannon”)
In addressing the needs of the Hahvahd students by funding things that take less time out of their busy lives and reduce the need for pesky interpersonal contact, the Hahvahd administration recently issued a statement promoting the practice of asexual reproduction. Here are some of the benefits they publicized:
- The tweed never comes off.
- You can’t give yourself any new diseases.
- You’ll cut your cigarette use in half
- You’ll never have to worry about having a small endowment.
- Men can discover the wonders of creation 1st hand… and if that doesn’t work, you can use the 2nd hand.
- It’s never hampered by fatigue or headaches.
- You can create your own personal “mini-you.”
Forming a little ‘h’ for the little Hahvahdians, the band salutes Hahvahd’s new initiative on asexual reproduction.
(Band forms a little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”)
And now, Making much ado about nothing Measure for measure Making sure that all’s well that ends well With Julius Caesar…Seize her? Hardly even know her! Bringing a plague on both your houses Kicking Hahvahd’s Coriolanus Corrupt with virtuous season Being neither a borrower nor a lender Giving our kingdom for a horse Being such stuff as dreams are made of Doubling, Doubling, toiling and troubling To be or not to Double, Double, Rotating P!
(Band plays “Going Back”)
Run away, band, (some line that the announcer made up on the fly because we forgot to write one — we were kind of busy watching our president getting arrested).
11/1/2003 — Cornell
Ladies, Gentleman, and people from Cornell, there’s no wrong way to eat a Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on to field because Cornell started their show two minutes late)
[Note: This joke was not performed because we didn’t have time]
Since Cornell had such a long, hard drive to get to Princeton for today’s game, we decided to make them feel at home. Lacking any gorges, we opted to provide them with another form of entertainment: throwing things off of Fine Tower. Here are some suggestions:
- That extra bed cluttering up you dorm room.
- A cat — to see if it lands on its feet.
- Aristotle and Galileo, to se which one hits the ground first.
- A Super Happy Fun Ball
- A sousaphone – to increase it’s range.
- The Harvard Bass Drum
- An apple — to prove that that Newton guy was really on to something.
- A witch — if she falls, then she wasn’t really a witch.
- Peter Pan — he’d better start thinking happy thoughts
- A cow because it won’t walk down the stairs.
Forming a ‘c’ for “cow,” the bands says, “MOO!”
(Band forms little ‘c’ and plays Cornell’s fight song)
(Band plays the national anthem)
Unfortunately, the scripts for the rest of the season seem to have slipped into the great unknown.