2004

Our announcer for the year was Charlie Bergen ’07

9/18/2004 — Lafayette

Wandering onto the field like a clueless freshman, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” We’d like to welcome the Class of 2008 to Princeton. According to Dean Rapelye, you’re “the very best.” But judging from the number of freshmen that had to be airlifted from Holder Courtyard last week, you’re also “very confused.” For your benefit, and for everyone else’s amusement, here’s a list of questions we’ve overheard recently from freshmen at Princeton.
  • What’s that funny smell coming from Terrace Club?
  • Do I really have to sleep with my RA?
  • Where are the steam tunnels?
  • What’s that guy doing to that other guy in that statue by the Chapel?
  • What’s so special about the third floor of Cottage?
  • [cut]Does somebody always die in the first week of school?
  • Why is there vomit in my shower?
  • [cut]People here have a lot of sex, right?
  • How much food should I pack for my trip to Charter?
  • What’s an egress?
  • What language course should I take… in order to understand my math preceptor?
  • [cut]Why is there a big penis in the middle of Butler?
  • How can DJ Bob be in two places at the same time?
Saluting the only other source of music at Princeton, the Band forms a turntable and says, “Play that funky music, DJ Bob.” (Band forms a turntable and plays “Play That Funky Music”) Note: The band did not perform this joke due to time constraints Another thing you frosh might be wondering is how you got paired with the roommate you did. I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.
  • You find yourself for sale on eBay
  • Your roommate is not that hot chick from Blue Crush
  • It’s been three weeks since OA and he still hasn’t showered
  • [cut]She smokes pot — and won’t share
  • [cut]He smells Arab
  • She keeps a life-size cutout of George W. Bush in her bed
  • She doesn’t share your taste for hot girl-on-girl action
  • [cut]He keeps sexiling you, but you know there’s nobody else in the room with him
  • He eats everything with fava beans and a nice Chianti
  • He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, and he wants you to drink the Kool-Aid
Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?” (Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”) Hey freshmen! Were you overwhelmed at the Activities Fair? Were you underwhelmed at the Activities Fair? Did you miss the Activities Fair because you couldn’t find Dillon Gym? *Be honest*! If you have no idea how to spend the next four years of your life, don’t worry! We’re here to help. We’ve got the skinny on all the groups on this campus.
  • Join Agape, because Jesus loves you
  • Join the Muslim Student Association, because Mohammed loves you
  • [cut]Go to the CJL, because everyone hates you
  • Join the Atheist Club, because nobody loves you
  • Join Wind Ensemble, because music should never, EVER be fun
  • [cut]Write for the Tory, because you’re a closet homosexual
  • [cut]Join Triangle Club, because you’re an open homosexual
  • Join the Anime Club, because they shut down the [cut: Asian Porn] Hentai Club
  • [cut]Join the football team, so you can do something at college that you never did in high school
  • Join the women’s rugby team — it’s the closest thing at Princeton to girl-on-girl mud wrestling
  • Write for the Daily Princetonian, because you’re not funny enough to write for the Nassau Weekly
  • Write for the Nassau Weekly, because you’re not funny enough to write for the Tory
  • Join Paideia… I have no Paideia what this club does
  • Join the Redhead Club, because you’re too incompetent to do anything
  • Or, join the Band, because everyone else sucks, but we blow.
The Princeton Band reminds you that, unlike ze Bande de Lafayette, “We’re An American Band.” (Band forms concert rows, plays “We’re An American Band”) Run away, Band! It’s legal to buy Uzis now, and they’re on sale at WalMart.

9/25/2004 — San Diego

Swerving onto the field like a New Jersey driver, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” So we were marching down the San Andreas Fault on the way down here, and we found a suspicious-looking Terminator lunchbox… filled with explosives. This can only mean one thing: Arnold Schwarzenegger is formulating a diabolical plot to detonate several key points along the fault line, thus separating a huge portion of California from the mainland, which the Governator himself will rule as dictator for life. Also in the lunchbox were a greasy napkin, a wienerschnitzel sandwich, and plans explicitly detailing the future government of the People’s Republic of Schwarzenigeria. The budget crisis will be resolved by merging the police department and the kindergarten teachers’ union. No longer having a land border with Mexico, Schwarzenigeria will have to turn to washed-up Hollywood actors as a source of cheap labor. There will be national days of observance on The Sixth Day, The End Of Days, and Judgment Day. Saluting our hosts, the Band forms the national flag of Schwarzenigeria and plays its new anthem. (Band forms the Schwarzenigerian flag, with a bicep and a barbell crossed like a hammer and sickle and plays “Ride of the Valkyrie”) Evil mastermind schemes aside, we’re having a good time visiting California. It’s nice to be far away from New Jersey, with all its smog and traffic [cut: and illegal immigrants] and preppy clothing. In fact, we’ve decided to stay here in California. Here are some reasons why.
  • We’d rather get our flesh eaten off by sharks than by acid rain
  • [cut]There’s lots of hot girl-on-girl action here
  • We really, really don’t want to go through Oklahoma again
  • We hate a cappella groups
  • [cut]We’d rather have people sneaking in from Mexico than people sneaking in from Trenton
  • [cut]Who needs to get high grades when you can just get high?
  • We like our beaches hypodermic-needle-free
  • [cut]We’d rather have a Governor who hates girly men than a Governor who is a girly man
  • [cut]At least your Governor knows which gender to harass — the gender that’s too weak to fight back
  • We prefer to have a Governor who doesn’t molest people while he’s in office
  • We’re sick of having a reliable power supply
  • We prefer In-N-Out Burger to White Castle
  • [cut]It’s much easier to get drugs here
But the real reason we’re staying in California is because we don’t have enough money for the return flight. As we form the one thing we “Can’t Get Enough” of, the Band would like to thank the generous alumni who made this trip possible. (Band forms a dollar sign and plays “Can’t Get Enough”) Run away, Band! It’s the Mexicans, and they want their country back.

10/2/2004 — Columbia

Sadly, the band did not go go this game. It was Columbia’s 250th homecoming game, and they had all sorts of special ceremonies and media timeouts. If we had gone, we wouldn’t have been able to play at pregame, at halftime, or in the stands during timeouts.

10/9/2004 — Colgate

Hey, uh… guys? Is it hot in here, or is it just… the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) So we were reading the Colgate Campus Safety blotter during our extended visit to the police station, and we found that nothing ever happens on this campus… except for fire alarms. They say 30% of fire alarms here are caused by cooking mishaps. But what about the other 70%? What have you students been doing?
  • Burning witches at the stake?
  • Hot-boxing your room?
  • Spontaneously combusting?
  • [cut]Having extremely hot girl-on-girl action?
  • Setting off a homemade atomic bomb?
  • Burninating thatched-roof cottages?
  • Sacrificing goats to Zeus?
  • [cut]Masturbating so furiously that sparks fly?
  • Switching from Internet Explorer to Firefox?
  • Burning your roommate in effigy, and by effigy I mean the fireplace!
  • [cut]Being Jim McGreevey? That guy is flaming.
  • Frying ants with a magnifying glass?
  • [cut]Having a burning sensation in the bathroom?
  • [cut]Baking special brownies?
  • [cut]Having extremely hot girl-on-girl action?
  • Or building a scale model of the Hindenburg?
Forming our own scale model of the Hindenburg (not to scale), the Band tries not to go down in flames. (Band forms a blimp, plays “Great Balls of Fire”) Just in case you’ve missed the Presidential debates, here’s a summary that we stole from the American Dental Association. We think it’s been doctored… or should we say, dentisted. Kerry began the debate by claiming that Bush’s administrative overbite had led America into a very bad military denture in Iraq. Troop flosses have been increasing, we’re fighting the insurgents tooth and nail, and the hardest thing to swallow is that we don’t know if Osama Bin Laden is saliva or not. Bush spat back that Kerry’s allegations are toothless and that the future of Iraq is whitening, because soon it will have a Constitoothtion and a Drill of Rights. Bush also defended his decision not to have bicuspid talks with North Korea, saying that working with the U.N. Security Tonsil is like pulling teeth. Both candidates then began filling us in on their domestic agendas, discussing molarizing issues such as gum control, affirmative plaque-tion, tartar schools, brace relations, and the oral decay of society. Kerry ended the debate by saying that although he was enameled of Bush’s daughters, he wished he would tell the American people the tooth. Bush said, “The tooth? You can’t handle the tooth!” Giving our friends at Colgate something to smile about, the Band says, “Kerry On.” (Band forms a smile and plays “Carry On Wayward Son”) [cut]Run away, Band! It’s Colgate Campus Safety, and they want to do a cavity search. Run away, Band! It’s the Patriot Act, and it wants to arrest you.

10/16/2004 — Brown

And now for the real reason you came to this game… the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Heeeeey, kids! Guess how the Registrar is screwing us over today? First it was SCORE. Then it was grade deflation. What is it this year? That’s right, it’s the Quintile Rankings! Now you can finally know the bleak truth about your academic standing. Are you really as smart as your mom says you are? Are you a mediocre student who needs to violate the Honor Code more often? Or should you just give up and transfer to Brown? By the way, for the Brown fans in the audience who can’t count up to 5, here’s a translation of quintiles into the Brown grading system:
  • Quintile 1: Pass
  • Quintile 2: Pass
  • Quintile 3: Pass
  • Quintile 4: Pass
  • Quintile 5: (pause) Pass
With the new competitive spirit at Princeton, it’s a real academic jungle, and we in the Band are proud to be in the undergrowth. Forming the quintile where we all find ourselves, the Band says, “Welcome to the Jungle.” (Band forms the number ‘5’ and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”) Speaking of academic failures, take Brown University. (“Please! No, really!”) The other day we were beating up Brown’s valedictorian, and on his mutilated body we found some rolling papers, a “Vote Nader” pin, and a copy of his academic transcript. Here’s what it said. Freshman Year:
  • French 102: Introduction to German
  • Ethanol, THC, and Other Organic Compounds
  • Naptime 101
  • [cut]Introduction to the Skinflute
  • Putting Things Up Your Nose
Sophomore Year:
  • Urban Planning: SimCity 2000
  • The Sociology of Horticulture
  • Jamming Your Finger in an Electric Outlet: Causes and Consequences
Junior Year:
  • Interesting Shiny Objects
  • [cut]Women’s Studies 101: Hot Girl-On-Girl Action
  • Women’s Studies 302: Ms. Pac-Man
  • Mastering The Oregon Trail
  • Computer Science 1100101: Introduction to Binary
Senior Year:
  • Burger Flipping
  • Poetry for Poets
  • Prostitution: The Oldest Profession
  • Careers in Sanitation Engineering
Telling the Brown students to go home because your classes just don’t matter, the Band says, “School’s Out.” (Band forms single, single, stationary letter ‘P’ and plays “School’s Out”) This halftime show was brought to you by the number 5 and the letter P.

10/23/2004 — Hahvahd

And now for our feature presentation… the Princeton University Fall Break Band! “Princeton Forward” You may have noticed that the economy is pretty soft lately. Well, so is Harvard’s endowment. In this frigid financial climate, Harvard’s endowment has undergone significant shrinkage, and they’re looking for ways to compensate. Here are some desperate measures they’re taking to raise money.
  • Melting down the silver spoons in their mouths
  • Auctioning off dates with professors
  • Betting on the Red Sox
  • Holding bake sales with special brownies
  • [cut]Producing videos of hot girl-on-girl action
  • Selling their women to MIT men
  • Selling their men to other Harvard men
  • Employing grad students at the wages of their home countries
  • Harvesting the Harvard football team for healthy organs. Mmm… kidneys.
Forming a pair of healthy organs, the Princeton band wishes Harvard good luck in getting out of the crimson and back in black. (Band forms a pair of kidneys and plays “Back in Black”) Princeton has been in the newspaper a lot lately, for impressive accomplishments like winning Nobel Prizes. Harvard has been in the newspaper too… right between the jumble and the crossword puzzle. That’s right — the only place that Harvard can be taken seriously is in the funny pages.
  • Garfield says, “My movie was horrible… just like Harvard.”
  • Dilbert says, “I hate that pointy-haired boss Larry Summers.”
  • Calvin and Hobbes say, “Imaginary mascots aren’t nearly as cool as tigers.”
  • Charlie Brown says, “Even I’d be a better placekicker than the guy on the Harvard team.”
  • Cathy says, “Thinking of Harvard makes it easier to throw up my lunch.”
  • The Family Circus says, “God hates Harvard, but He loves Billy.”
  • The Non Sequitur says, “Yale sucks.”
Showing our appreciation for the comic relief that Harvard provides, the Princeton Band will now do the jumble. (Band forms a concert shell and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”) Flashers spell: COMICS REMIND US Flashers anagram to: DIE CRIMSON SCUM Flashers flip letters spell: TIGERS KICK ASS! Run away, Band! It’s Ralph Nader, and he wants your vote.

10/30/2004 — Cornell

Boldly going where no Band has gone before, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Captain’s Log, Stardate 666.69. Starfleet has ordered us to perform an annual probe of the ice-covered planet of Ithaca. This planet is inhabited by a strange race that call themselves Cornellians. They have adapted themselves to a life without liquid water or sunlight. It is not understood how they continue to exist, as [cut: sexual intercourse among them has never been observed] they have never been observed to reproduce. They eke out a meager subsistence based on agriculture, architecture, human ecology, and hotel administration. They have trade relations with the nearby planet of Colgate, with whom they exchange cows for toothpaste. They also send their misfits into exile by throwing them into one of the planet’s gorges. Forming a gorge, the Band says, “It’s the new Jailhouse Rock.” (Band forms a gorge and plays “Jailhouse Rock”; Drum Major falls down the gorge) Captain’s Log, supplemental. We have dispatched an away team to the planet’s surface, to monitor and diagnose the Cornellians. We were surprised to find the colony completely deserted. All that’s left are a bunch of ugly buildings and a gorge full of dead cows. Archaeological evidence indicates that this civilization’s demise was due to poor hotel management and hostile labor relations [cut: and a lack of hot girl-on-girl action]. Deep under the ice, we found… a Big Red. We still don’t know what it is, but spectral analysis indicates that it can neither play football nor march. Not knowing what a Big Red is, the Band forms one anyway and plays “Chameleon”. (Band forms an amorphous blob and plays “Chameleon”) Beam us up, Scotty! Anything that’s big and red is probably infected.

11/6/2004 — Penn

My fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” We’d like to say hello to all the Penn students in the audience, and we hope you enjoy your first day at an Ivy League institution. Now, onto a topic near to all your hearts: roommates. Are you wondering how you and your roommate got paired up? I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.
  • You find yourself for sale on eBay
  • Your roommate is not that hot chick from Blue Crush
  • It’s been two months since OA and he still hasn’t showered
  • She keeps a life-size cutout of George W. Bush in her bed
  • [cut]She doesn’t share your taste for hot girl-on-girl action
  • He eats everything with fava beans and a nice Chianti
  • He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, and he wants you to drink the Kool-Aid
Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?” (Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”) In other news, we heard that Iraq is turning into one of the world’s biggest hotspots. We had some vacation time coming, so we put on our Hawaiian T-shirts and Paris Hilton frilly skirts and hopped a plane to sunny Baghdad. We were held in the airport at Baghdad because we were on their infidel watch list. Once we got out into the city, we hailed a cab, and we found to our surprise that all the cab drivers there are [cut: white] Arab. We stopped at the local Burger Sultan and ordered a WMD with cheese. At night we went out to the clubs, to check out all the exposed ankles and wrists All the museums in Baghdad were closed or looted, so we stayed in to watch Al Jazeera. We saw a soccer game where the Iraqi team tortured their opponents. We also saw the Iraqi Information Minister say, “There is no war in Iraq.” He also reminded us that there will be elections in Iraq in January, and they’ll be every bit as democratic and legitimate as… oh, never mind. Forming the best network news in Iraq, the Band says, “You Can Call Me Al… JAZEERA!” (Band forms a television set and plays “You Can Call Me Al”) [cut]Run away, Band! It’s the Princeton football team, and they’ve been classified as a weapon of mass destruction. Run away, Band! If those Penn fans catch up with us, we’re toast.

11/13/2004 — Yale

With 69% of precincts reporting, we feel confident in projecting the winner in the state of Connecticut… the Princeton University Band!   “Princeton Forward”  The voters have spoken, and they’ve said, “We’re morons.” No, seriously, folks. 99% of them voted for a Yalie. How sad is that? We at Princeton voted overwhelmingly for “Four More Beers!”, but exit polls nationwide showed a different trend.
  • Those with purple hearts voted for Kerry… those with no hearts at all voted for Bush.
  • [cut]Lesbians like Bush.
  • [cut]Asian Americans voted for Kelly, although they felt uncomfortable about the Presidential erection.
  • Fox News didn’t vote, in an effort to remain fair and balanced.
  • The weapons of mass destruction voted for Kerry, but unfortunately their votes could not be found.
  • [cut]New Haven’s inner-city residents voted for Bush, because they’re on crack.
  • [cut]Jim McGreevey voted for Kerry, expressing his distaste for Bush.
  • The First Lady didn’t vote, because there were no polling booths in the kitchen.
  • Ronald Reagan didn’t vote… because he’s dead.
  • And George W. Bush voted for Nader, because he heard that “a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush.”
But in all seriousness, we’d like to thank the Bush administration for their pledge to provide us with four more years of humor. Because everybody needs somebody to laugh at. (Band forms a square with “BUSH” and a check mark inside and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody”) The following joke has such historical significance that it can only be told in… WIDESCREEN!!! Left side… “WOOOOAAAHH” (Left side of square moves to left) Right side… “WOOOOAAAHH” (Right side of square moves to right) America is full of villians. We normally send them to Washington, D.C., but the Yale administration, in their attempt to claw and cheat their way to Number One, has gone one step further. They’re hiring super-villians! The new positions will be as follows:
  • Dr. Evil will be the new Dean of Admissions, and he’ll raise tuition to one million dollars
  • Magneto will direct the Student Computing department
  • Darth Vader will teach a class on neo-imperialism
  • Doctor Octopus will coach the wrestling team
  • Godzilla will be the new Dean of East Asian Studies
  • The Wicked Witch of the West will take over the Department of Women’s Studies
  • Trogdor will be the chief fire inspector
  • And Sauron will be the new Dean of Religious Life… he’s got his eye on YOU.
Forming Yale’s source of spiritual guidance — the Lidless Eye of Sauron — the Band says, “We can see for miles.” (Band forms the Lidless Eye of Sauron and plays “I Can See For Miles”) Run away, Band! It’s Dr. Claw, and he’ll get you next time.

THE 2004 SHOW THAT NEVER WAS

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/20/2004 — Dartmouth

One step ahead of the fashion police, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Forward” Have you heard about the new Web service on the block? It’s called point.princeton.edu, and it’s your one-stop guide to leading a happy and fulfilled life at Princeton. But we think the site needs a little tweaking. Here are some things we’d like to see added to it.
  • A final paper generator
  • A Nude TA of the Day
  • Secret Society meeting times and places
  • Addresses of local dealers
  • Box scores of eating club hookups
  • [cut]Where to find hot girl-on-girl action at the Street
  • The current location of Karim
  • Hypothetical maps of the steam tunnels
  • A weekly e-mail from Strong Bad
  • [cut]A stock ticker for drug prices in Ivy Club
  • One of those fun “Error 404” pages
Forming the new “point” of the Internet, the Band says, “We’ll point you any way you want.” (Band forms the point.princeton.edu logo and plays “Any Way You Want It”) In other news, the University is being sued by the donors of the Woodrow Wilson School. Apparently they wanted Woody Woo to turn out dedicated public servants, instead of tools who are obsessed with making money. So if the University isn’t educating people, where is all that money going?
  • Is it… filling the Woody Woo fountain with Dom Perignon?
  • Is it… funding professor [cut:orgies] Beirut tournaments?
  • Is it… being sculpted into a great big money statue?
  • Is it… being used to pay off students to leave Shirley Tilghman alone?
  • Is it… paying off the fire inspectors?
  • Is it… paying Kate Bosworth to say she’s coming to Princeton?
  • Is it… paying Dean Malkiel to lower our grades?
  • Is it… bribing opposing football teams?
  • Is it… commissioning more statues of naked headless people?
  • Is it… digging holes in the ground for no reason?
But we all know the real reason that Woody Woo majors aren’t working for the government is that all the money is in i-banking. Showing you that public service just doesn’t pay, the Band forms a phone and says, “Call me, Goldman Sachs.” (Band forms a phone and plays “Call Me”) And now, for Student Conductor Brad “I’m adequately hot and have an adequately sized…” Friedman, Head Manager Laura “Did you sign this out?” Collins, Drum Major Josh “For the love of God, stop bouncing” Burton, and President Ben “Help me with my kilt, little boy” Elias, I’m Charlie “Why don’t you shut the hell up?” Bergen, saying, I’ll see you at the fountain for some Dom Perignon.