2004 Pregames

Our announcer for the year was Charlie Bergen ’07

9/18/2004 — Lafayette

And now for our feature presentation: The Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Many of you have been following the 2004 Summer Olympics, which for some reason were in Greece this year. But Athens wasn’t the only place that was in the running. (Get it? Get it? RUNNING?) Here are some other cities whose bids to host the Olympics were rejected.
  • Singapore, because caning isn’t an Olympic sport
  • Buenos Aires, because it’s in the Southern Hemisphere, and it’s winter there, DUH!
  • Baghdad, because the Saddam Hussein War Memorial Stadium is still under construction
  • Washington, D.C., because all the judges there are corrupt
  • Zurich, Switzerland, because they didn’t want to give up the gold for the medals
  • Mexico City, because everyone there who can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States
  • Lagos, Nigeria, because all the athletes there tested positive
  • Rome, because the judges couldn’t make hide nor hair of that “numeral” system
  • And finally, Easton, Pennsylvania, because everyone knows there are no good athletes there.
Forming a little ‘l’ for ‘Last Place’, the Band salutes the lovable losers of Lafayette. (Band forms little ‘l’ and plays “La Marseillaise”) And now, for a limited time only Available at participating locations while supplies last Limit one per customer No cash value Void where prohibited Some restrictions may apply Consult your local dealer for details Some assembly required Batteries not included Keep out of reach of children Contains moving parts Do not operate while intoxicated Side effects include nausea, rash, and vomitous diarrhea Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back, It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner”

9/25/2004 — San Diego

We did not perform a pregame show because USD Athletics did not give us any time at pregame.

10/2/2004 — Columbia

Sadly, the band did not go go this game. It was Columbia’s 250th homecoming game, and they had all sorts of special ceremonies and media timeouts. If we had gone, we wouldn’t have been able to play at pregame, at halftime, or in the stands during timeouts.

10/9/2004 — Colgate

Note: For the third week in a row, we did not perform a pregame show. Colgate Athletics did not give us any time at pregame.

10/16/2004 — Brown

And God said… let there be the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” As you know, Princeton placed #1 in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Brown, meanwhile, ended up way the hell down near the bottom, right between Mercer County Community College and the New York City School of Massage. But experts agree that Princeton isn’t just better than Brown in academics, but in every conceivable way. For example:
  • Better Homes and Gardens says Brown seems to have a weed problem.
  • Cosmopolitan says Princeton students have better legs than Brown students.
  • Sports Illustrated says we score more often. Playboy agrees.
  • The National Enquirer says our Elvis love-child is better than Brown’s.
  • The Nassau Weekly says, “Fart!”
  • The Princeton Alumni Weekly says we have a bigger endowment.
Forming a little ‘b’ for ‘Bottom of the List’, the Princeton Band says, “Hey Brown, try again next year.” (Band forms little ‘b’ and plays “Brown Cheering Song”) And after that little ‘b’ comes the… C for Chlamydia D for Dandruff E for Elephantitis F… the Brown Band G for Gingivitis H for Halitosis I for Influenza J for Jaundice K for Kleinfelter’s L for Lockjaw M for Mumps N for Nymphomania O for Obesity and the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner”

10/23/2004 — Hahvahd

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” It’s certainly the best of times in Boston right now, where the Red Sox have finally vanquished the Yankees. With the karmic balance thrown into total disarray, all signs point to Harvard inheriting the fabled Curse of the Bambino. Last week, Harvard was seconds away from victory in the fourth quarter, when the quarterback let an easy snap roll between his lefts, resulting in a devastating 19-18 loss. Despite a strong start to the season, we expect to see a total Harvard collapse down the home stretch, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. We should see a new and improved Harvard next year. Their new winning philosophy will be based on every player, and cheerleader, not shaving for the duration of the season. Forming a little ‘h’ for ‘Hairy Beasts’, the Princeton Band says, “Johnny Damon is my homeboy.” (Band forms little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”) And now, your candidate for President of the United States, Shaking hands Kissing babies Slinging mud Touring battleground states Looking out for the special interests Winning hearts and minds Flip-flopping Forgetting Poland Winning three purple hearts Making promises it won’t keep Raising the terror alert level to orange… and black For lower taxes For a booming economy For universal health care and a stronger America, Vote for the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner”

10/30/2004 — Cornell

Note: Cornell athletics made an abortive, last-minute attempt at censorship. Censored lines are indicated. Hide the women and children! It’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Halloween is upon us, and we’ve already been trick-or-treating. Here are some candies we’ve been taking care to avoid.
  • Lard Pops
  • Roofies Peanut Butter Cups
  • Fiberglass Cotton Candy
  • Hershey’s Kiss of Death
  • [cut]Flavored Condoms
  • Chocolate Covered Ecstasy
  • Girl Scout Cookies, made from real Girl Scouts
  • And lastly, Big Red.
Forming a little ‘c’ for ‘Candy Coated Cornell’, the Band says, “You are what you eat.” (Band forms little ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters”) And now… [cut]Choking the chicken [cut]Spanking the monkey [cut]Jerkin’ the gherkin Shakin’ the bacon Flogging the log Waxing the bishop Getting down and dirty [cut]Slapping the salami [cut]Whacking the weasel Honking the horn [cut]Playing the organ Polishing the telescope Winding the jack-in-the-box Launching the pocket rocket Riding the five-legged pony Tugging the tapioca tube Churning the nut butter Driving the Ferrari in first gear Teasing the one-eyed trouser mouse Squeezing the happy lumberjack Taking the sperm whale for a walk Rubbing the lamp to summon the genie and Stroking the Shaolin Wang, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Run away, Band! Baby Jesus is crying.

11/6/2004 — Penn

Ladies and gentlemen, F the Penn Band… we’re the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Being from Princeton, we have access to a lot of resources that people at non-Ivy League schools — like Penn — do not. For example, we procured an early draft of the Presidential acceptance speech of Ralph Nader ’55. Here’s an excerpt: “My fellow Americans, I only got .3% of the popular vote. But thanks to the miracles of the Electoral College, I carried the swing states of Manitoba, Quebec, Mexico, and Lake Erie, and I’m going to be your next President. I’d like to thank Former President George W. Bush for his generous financial support. I’d also like to thank the 50 million dead voters who cast provisional ballots for me.” Forming a little ‘p’ for ‘Provisional Ballots’, the Band asks when Penn is going to concede. (Band forms little ‘p’ and plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”) And now, in a world… where love is forbidden where time is not a one-way street where girls go wild where suicide is punishable by death where hope is a four-letter word where pedophilia is a crime where evil always triumphs because good is dumb where nothing matters — except everything Don’t miss this action packed summer blockbuster, coming soon to a theater near you… It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner” We’re the Princeton University Band, and we approve this message.

11/13/2004 — Yale

Beating it onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” We’d like to dedicate this pregame show to our venerable President, Ben Elias, who is a perfect example of backward evolution. He has a larger brain at the expense of a smaller clarinet. He also has no opposable thumbs, no tact, no underwear, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. By some freak mutation, he is allergic to denim, non-black shirts, and good movies. Forming an upside-down ‘Y’ for “Y is such a man alive?”, the Band notes that the car covered in John Kerry bumper stickers is looking a little old. (Band forms an upside-down ‘Y’ and plays “The Whiffenpoof Song”) And now, with such brilliant turns of phrase as… Thum Mu-zay-um Homomorphism Jinx! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten, king jinx! Say what? Jackpot! This game sucks! Who wants to go team stunneling? Yuffie from Final Fantasy 7 Gogo from Kill Bill No one here knows algebra! My brother sells combos to everyone at the movie theater Anyone want to play Boggle? Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start I don’t have opposable thumbs so I can’t use the… Double-Double Rotating Nintendo Controller! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating Nintendo Controller and plays “Going Back”) (Ben punches in a cheat code on the quads and sousaphones) Run away, Band! Ben’s rolling down the hill again.

11/20/2004 — Dartmouth

Silly hats only, it’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Ladies and jellyfish; men, women, and children; Princeton fans and deluded fools; we in the Band have been playing in this stadium since its creation seven years ago, and we’ve noticed that nobody has decided to put up the money to get their name on the stadium yet. So we decided to name it after ourselves. I’d like to be the first to welcome you to the Princeton University Band Stadium. Please enjoy our performance today. We’re sorry it has to be interrupted by a football game. The Princeton University Band has an undefeated record this season, and we’re favored for today’s matchup as well. Don’t forget to stop by the Princeton University Band Campus Center after the game, and thanks for your support of the Princeton University Band University. We’d like to welcome the Dartmouth Band into our stadium. We don’t know why you brought a football team with you, but we hope they won’t cause much trouble. (Band forms little ‘d’ and plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By”) And now… Made from the best stuff on earth Bet you can’t eat just one Obey your thirst The OTHER white meat Once you pop, you can’t stop The breakfast of champions Love in every bite Just like your mamma used to make Taste the rainbow The San Francisco Treat Magically delicious Kid tested, mother approved It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner”