Our announcer for the year was Charlie Bergen ’07
9/18/2004 — LafayetteAnd now for our feature presentation: The Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Many of you have been following the 2004 Summer Olympics, which for some reason were in Greece this year. But Athens wasn’t the only place that was in the running. (Get it? Get it? RUNNING?) Here are some other cities whose bids to host the Olympics were rejected.
- Singapore, because caning isn’t an Olympic sport
- Buenos Aires, because it’s in the Southern Hemisphere, and it’s winter there, DUH!
- Baghdad, because the Saddam Hussein War Memorial Stadium is still under construction
- Washington, D.C., because all the judges there are corrupt
- Zurich, Switzerland, because they didn’t want to give up the gold for the medals
- Mexico City, because everyone there who can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States
- Lagos, Nigeria, because all the athletes there tested positive
- Rome, because the judges couldn’t make hide nor hair of that “numeral” system
- And finally, Easton, Pennsylvania, because everyone knows there are no good athletes there.
9/25/2004 — San DiegoWe did not perform a pregame show because USD Athletics did not give us any time at pregame.
10/2/2004 — ColumbiaSadly, the band did not go go this game. It was Columbia’s 250th homecoming game, and they had all sorts of special ceremonies and media timeouts. If we had gone, we wouldn’t have been able to play at pregame, at halftime, or in the stands during timeouts.
10/9/2004 — ColgateNote: For the third week in a row, we did not perform a pregame show. Colgate Athletics did not give us any time at pregame.
10/16/2004 — BrownAnd God said… let there be the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” As you know, Princeton placed #1 in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Brown, meanwhile, ended up way the hell down near the bottom, right between Mercer County Community College and the New York City School of Massage. But experts agree that Princeton isn’t just better than Brown in academics, but in every conceivable way. For example:
- Better Homes and Gardens says Brown seems to have a weed problem.
- Cosmopolitan says Princeton students have better legs than Brown students.
- Sports Illustrated says we score more often. Playboy agrees.
- The National Enquirer says our Elvis love-child is better than Brown’s.
- The Nassau Weekly says, “Fart!”
- The Princeton Alumni Weekly says we have a bigger endowment.
10/23/2004 — HahvahdIt was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” It’s certainly the best of times in Boston right now, where the Red Sox have finally vanquished the Yankees. With the karmic balance thrown into total disarray, all signs point to Harvard inheriting the fabled Curse of the Bambino. Last week, Harvard was seconds away from victory in the fourth quarter, when the quarterback let an easy snap roll between his lefts, resulting in a devastating 19-18 loss. Despite a strong start to the season, we expect to see a total Harvard collapse down the home stretch, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. We should see a new and improved Harvard next year. Their new winning philosophy will be based on every player, and cheerleader, not shaving for the duration of the season. Forming a little ‘h’ for ‘Hairy Beasts’, the Princeton Band says, “Johnny Damon is my homeboy.” (Band forms little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”) And now, your candidate for President of the United States, Shaking hands Kissing babies Slinging mud Touring battleground states Looking out for the special interests Winning hearts and minds Flip-flopping Forgetting Poland Winning three purple hearts Making promises it won’t keep Raising the terror alert level to orange… and black For lower taxes For a booming economy For universal health care and a stronger America, Vote for the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) “The Star-Spangled Banner”
10/30/2004 — CornellNote: Cornell athletics made an abortive, last-minute attempt at censorship. Censored lines are indicated. Hide the women and children! It’s the Princeton University Band! “Princeton Cannon Song” Halloween is upon us, and we’ve already been trick-or-treating. Here are some candies we’ve been taking care to avoid.
- Lard Pops
- Roofies Peanut Butter Cups
- Fiberglass Cotton Candy
- Hershey’s Kiss of Death
- [cut]Flavored Condoms
- Chocolate Covered Ecstasy
- Girl Scout Cookies, made from real Girl Scouts
- And lastly, Big Red.