Our announcer for the year was Kevin Smith ’07

9/17/2005 — Lafayette

The band did not perform at Lafayette this year, due to certain… misunderstandings with the Lafayette administration.

9/24/2005 — San Diego

Limping onto the field like a bunch of freshmen girls out of the third floor of Cottage, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) The Band would like to welcome the University of San Diego to Princeton after we enjoyed their University so much last year. In fact, we wanted to go back, but the authorities at the University of San Diego informed us that we were no longer welcome. Apparently, they had some “issues” with our behavior. The following were just a few reasons why:
  • After what happened last year, their terror alert is still at Orange Plaid.
  • They accused us of liking the Zoo a liiittle too much
  • Jesuits are offended by eating babies
  • We played really loudly in their library because we are a bunch of jerks
  • USD hates music
  • USD hates learning
  • USD hates breakfast
  • USD hates women
  • USD hates love
And if there is anything this Band can’t do without, it’s some lovin’. Forming a heart on the field, the Band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”. (Band forms a heart and plays Gimme Some Lovin’) We originally wanted to tell you what is bad about New Jersey, since we figured we were running away to San Diego forever. We even had a Jim McGreavey joke, but we thought he’d gotten pounded enough already. But then we thought, “Hey, life’s good in Jersey!” So out of spite, we came up with a whole list of why it’s sooo sweet to be here instead of in San Diego:
  • We never have to worry about turning left
  • Southern California may have Disneyland, but WE have White Castle
  • Who needs the beach, amazing weather, and gorgeous women when you have Piscataway.
  • We like our states like we like our women: small and dirty
  • Our dense layers of smog conveniently prevent sunburn
  • On “The OC”, there is a bunch of whiny, J-Crew wearing losers, but at Princeton…oh wait…
  • In San Diego, there are drive-ins, while in New Jersey, there are drive-bys.
  • While everyone is happy in San Diego, we in New Jersey prefer to embrace diversity.
Forming a citizen of San Diego, the band plays… something Latin. (Band forms a smiley-face and plays Children of Sanchez) Run away, Band! Be free! Frolic! Frolic in the glory that is the Garden State!

10/1/2005 — Columbia

Magestically gliding onto the field like an innocent baby seal, it’s the Princeton University band! (Princeton Forward) As you may have noticed, the Band spent all summer workin’ out, and now we’re ripped! For those of you who lack the Band’s dedication to fitness, we’ve compiled a list of the hottest new diet trends:
  • The Zombie Diet: All Braaaaains
  • The TI Diet: All hot dogs (and occasional vomit)
  • The Peter Singer Diet: All babies
  • The Independent Student Union Diet: All squirrels
  • The BALCO Diet: All flaxseed oil and B-12
  • Dean Malkiel’s Diet: Your GPA
  • The 5th Quintile Diet: Dean Malkiel’s dog
  • The Big Muppet Diet: Smaller Muppets
Forming Muppet crumbs, the Band plays “The Muppet Show” (Muppet Show) It’s tough being really, really, ridiculously good-looking. But it’s just not enough to be SUPER BUFF! We here in the Band also have impeccable fashion sense. To help Columbia out, we’d like to present the first episode of Princeton Eye for the Columbia Guy:
  • No pastels except baby-blue, which is fabulous.
  • Plaid pants, no. Plaid jackets, yes.
  • Popped collar for a priest, yes. Popped collars for YOU, no.
  • Liederhosen, yes. Jackboots and goose-stepping, no.
  • Paying $300 to look like a hobo, no.
  • Beating the crap out of a hobo and taking his clothes, yes.
  • Dressing up to go clubbin’, yes. Dressing up to go seal-clubbin? OH Yes!
Forming a club, the Band plays “Beat It”. (Beat It) Thanks for tuning in. Join us next week when the Band performs some impromptu dentistry on the Colgate Band.

10/8/2005 — Colgate

Note: First, it had been raining all day. The field was a mess. And Colgate, being on fall break, didn’t bring much of a band, and thus opted not to do a field show. So athletics thought they would fix that, but then apparently forgot. So we now have 12 minutes to do our show. Cool. But wait. Athletics comes to us just before halftime to tell us there will be no promotion. The Band has the halftime. All of it. From 20 minutes until 4, the field was ours. Did we just do our show and say the hell with it? OF COURSE NOT. How often do we get opportunities like this? And athletics needed something on the field. Might as well be us. Fortunately, Sarah ’06 PExDM was able to contact Kevin Smith ’07. I told him the deal, told him to make up whatever he wanted, so long as we wouldn’t catch hell from the university on Tuesday. So he (with the help of a friend who was visiting from grad school) whipped up a little extra show, and the Band had freedom on the field, provided we didn’t do anything that would somehow allow athletics to blame the mucked-up field on us. The resulting scrambling/meandering/dancing in the rain may very well have been the best halftime show ever. So without further ado, the halftime show and, as Kevin called it, “The Halftime Show That Never Should Have Been”. Come onto the field, Band! I’ve got candy!. (Princeton Forward) Gather round, friends, and the Princeton University Band shall tell ye a tale of October 8, Canadian Thanksgiving. The year was aboot 1957, and the times were even wilder than in today’s Canada. Brother versus brother, Eskimo versus Eskimo, man against sheep — but I digress. Roving bands of moose, led by the sinister King Borttnigar, oppressed a small but heroic group of Canadians, led by Wayne Gretzky and his loyal freedom fighters, the Edmonton Oilers. The situation was grim. Supply lines were cut off, leaving Gretzky’s troops without valuable reserves of putine. Borttnigar practically had victory within his grasp. Gretzky knew that the fate of Canada, and thus the world, lay in his deceptively feminine hands. In a move so clever, no one north of Hollywood could have seen it coming, the Great One challenged Arch Chancellor Borttnigar to a sudden-death shootout. Long story short, Gretzky won and Borttnigar’s head exploded in a fiery wreckage. There was much rejoicing, and Gretzky was then free to teach the Canadians how to form an underfunded social-democratic government. Honoring the true story of Canadian Thanksgiving, the Band plays “O Canada”. (O Canada) So Colgate is renovating it’s library. Now, we know Colgate gets a lot of flak from other Ivy bands, but we here at Princeton also know that a few of you are literate. So we thought we’d give you a hand by recommending a few new volumes:
  • Let’s Get Ready to Color
  • Canada: A Brief History by the Princeton University Band
  • Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  • A, E, I, O, and You: Why Only Sometimes Y?
  • Now I Can Count to F!
  • Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian Soul
  • The Gulag Archipelago, by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
  • Get Ready to Color Some More!
  • I’m a Big Kid Now: America’s Battle with Childhood Obesity
  • [cut]The Diary of Anne Frank 2: JUST KIDDING
  • The Berenstein Bears Get Syphilis
  • Bi-Curious George
  • Chainsaws: The Silent Killer
  • Daddy Drinks Because You Don’t Color Enough!
For the love of God, Johnny, don’t put down those crayons! (Johnny B. Goode) Run away, Band! Wayne (originally George) has that look in his eye again… (this line was preempted by the fact that we had more to do and was thus never read) THE HALF-TIME JOKE THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN So we found out literally two minutes ago that they want us to stay on the field for a while longer. No, seriously. I’m not kidding. Apparently there’s no promotion or something, so hey, guess who they expect to fill in? Yup, the band. This is the kind of hogwash we in the band put up with all the time. Think about it:
  • We play every football game. All of them. No matter what the conditions. Case in point: this one!
  • Our Drum Major is carrying a lightning rod.
  • As part of the university administration’s new policies under Shirley Tilghman, we were FORCED to choose a woman as our President.
  • Two words: Orange. Plaid.
  • Our van is literally not safe to drive. I’m serious. Someone might die.
So you see, it’s not just fun and games being in the band. In fact, it’s enough to drive someone insane. With that in mind, the band plays “Basketcase”. [Basketcase] “Run away, band! If you stay out there any longer, they’re going to blame YOU for tearing up the field!” [Band stays on the field, apparently having decided to play another song.] “Stay on the field, band! Apparently you’re playing another song!!!” [Children of Sanchez] “Do whatever you want, band! It’s clear you don’t listen to ME anymore!” [Band screws around a little bit, then leaves the field. END OF THE SHOW]

10/15/2005 — Brown

Curses, foiled again! If it weren’t for that meddling Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Everyone knows Brown leans left, but our recent investigation discovered a sinister plot to convert Brown into a communist stronghold! Here’s some proof:
  • A student petition to change “Brown University” to “Red University”
  • Brown President Ruth J. Simmons wants to change her title to “Commisar” and is married to “Joseph Stalin” on thefacebook.com
  • Everyone is getting equal grades regardless of – oh wait…
  • Forced collectivization of student marijuana farms
  • While Princeton is introducing four-year colleges, Brown is introducing five-year plans
  • The most popular fraternity is Kappa Gamma Beta -.KGB! GET IT?!
  • Instead of giving out grades, they give out Marx
  • They’ve started parading nuclear warheads through campus
  • Judging from the clothes they wear, they’ve already achieved a “classless” society
  • They signed a non-aggression pact with Nazi Germany
  • The Smith Swim Center has been renamed the “Bay of Pigs”
Saluting Brown’s commitment to forging a Marxist paradise, the Band forms the Iron Curtain and plays “Free Ride” (Free Ride) In an effort to bring fans back, the NHL has introduced some new and exciting rules. We in the band, however, have a few more rules we’d like to see added.
  • First rule of Ice Hockey: Don’t talk about ice hockey
  • One word: landmines
  • Replace hockey pucks with hedgehogs
  • Zamboni Jousting
  • Less ice, more lava
  • Lasers (pause)
  • Release wombats onto the ice
  • Replace powerplays with MULTIBALL
  • Attach spikes to the boards
  • Games ended in shootouts-with GUNS
  • Replace the penalty box with the guillotine
  • Replace sticks with throwing, the goal with an endzone, ice with grass, and play football instead, morons!
Forming a football, the Band tells the American people, “You can have it any way you want it.” (Any Way You Want It) I’ll get you next time, Band …Next time!!!

10/22/2005 — Hahvahd

Coming onto the field like Bill Clinton, it’s the Princeton Univesity Band! (Princeton Forward) In order to mollify the givernment’s deficit problems, many politicians have decided to pitch in and do their part. The Fox Network has agreed to bring on the new talent for a revamped fall lineup, and these are the results:
  • Arrested Development, Starring Tom DeLay and Karl Rove
  • Scrubs, Starring Howard Dean
  • Senators Gone Wild 4: Jon Corzine and Ted Kennedy Wet T-Shirt Contest
  • Desparate Housewives, Starring Harriet Miers, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Bill Clinton
  • Mr. Roberts’ Neighborhood
  • Iron Chef: Condoleeza Rice versus Sandra Day O’Connor, hosted by Larry Summers
  • Money Talk with Senator Bill Frist
  • Robert Byrd and Jesse Helms in “That ’20s Show”
  • Where Are They Now: the Al Gore and Tom Daschle Edition
  • Crossing Over with Strom Thurmond
Forming Strom Thurmond’s current residence, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire”. (Band forms a tombstone, plays “Great Balls of Fire”) Harvard, you and we may have a lot in common, but there’s still a lot you need to fix. Now, we know you are still upset about your rejection from Penn, but some of your actions are just inexcusable. First of all, stop going down to Harvard Square and giving money to people — and then sleeping with them. Second, tweed in moderation. Special note to the swim team: your tweed speedoes, or “tweedoes”, are a no-go. Also, try to get your mascot changed. I mean, if it’s got to be a color, at least be original, like “The Harvard Chartreuse”, or “The Harvard Mango”. And stop ordering Boston-cream pie. Just stop lying to yourself. It’s painfully obvious to everyone else that you crave fruitcake. Or you could just skip all this, drop out, and form a small software company. Heh, it’s worked in the past, right? If you work hard enough, you just might get to go to Princeton for grad school — or more likely janitorial services. But for now, just Carry On, My Wayward Sons, and we’ll show you what you can look forward to at Princeton. (Band plays “Carry On, My Wayward Son,” forms an ‘F’) It is now safe to turn off your Princeton University Band.

10/29/2005 — Cornell

Making sure we get our full six minutes (originally was “watching out for landmines”, but we stormed the field while Cornell was still on), it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) So, we know that you are supposed to be great hotel managers, but on our last visit to the Cornell Inn, we had a few issues. For example:
  • Cigarette butts and empty 40s all over the floor, oh wait, that was your library
  • [cut]Not enough Princeton University Band concerts in your lobby
  • [cut]Swimming pool occupants: less fat man, more batman
  • We expect actual toilets, not being told to just “go in the lake”
  • Television should not explode on contact
  • Wake-up calls come through the telephone, not through the window
  • We like fresh milk, but the self-service dairy cow is a bit much
  • [cut]Mints on the pillows, not human thumbs
  • Your staff was incompetent and lacked a firm grasp of English; next time, don’t hire your own alumni.
  • Remove the “Leap of Faith” from the gorge tour
  • Mini-bar should not explode on contact
  • Replace the trampolines in the lobby with actual elevators
  • “Shampoo” does not mean “imitation feces”
  • When we call for service, we expect to be serviced!
Forming an empty hotel room, the Band plays “She’s Not There” (She’s Not There) The quagmire in Iraq just couldn’t be worse. Fortunately, the Band has a few ideas about how to stabilize the situation.
  • Replace the Iraqi Police with Jedi Knights
  • Cut back on luxuries like schools and hospitals
  • Institute incentive program where terrorists trade bombs for liquor and pork
  • Convert Abu Ghraib prison to Playboy Mansion: Middle East
  • Replace sand with puppies and rainbows
  • Snoop Dogg to perform in new “Drop Rhymes, Not Bombs” campaign
  • [cut]Replace “Oil for Food” program with “Oil for Nothing” program — oh wait
  • [cut]Mesopotamia: less mess, more pot
  • [cut]Sunnis (Insurgents) should not explode on contact
  • [cut]Replace Iraqi Cabinet with the cast of “Friends”
  • Raise revenue with a “Dunk Saddam” booth
  • Broadcast Sesame Street on new “Al Jazeera for Kids” network
  • Build a Colosseum so that the Iraqi provisional government can feed criminals to the lions.
Forming the new Baghdad Colosseum, the Band plays “Welcome to the Jungle” (Welcome to the Jungle) Run away, Band! Those lions sure look hungry!

11/5/2005 — Penn

Being indicted for obstruction of justice, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) With all the crime in the government right now, it seems that many politicians could use some advice on how to survive prison. And if there is anything the Band knows, it’s prison. So listen up, Libby! Don’t dilly-dally, Delay! Here are a few pointers:
  • Flirt with the gaurds — but not too much
  • Create a stock exchange based on cigarettes. Watch out for insider trading amongst your fellow inmates
  • There’s never enough toilet paper — learn to reuse
  • Remove the “I Hate Blacks and Hispanics” tattoo from your chest
  • There is no point in uncovering the undercover guards
  • For help with your case, write your congressman… oh wait
  • Orange juice can be fermented into an excellent cognac substitute
  • Custom-tailored jumpsuits may not be the best use of your financial resources
  • When asked what you do on the outside, downplay the “tough on crime” stance
Looks like the only BAR you guys will be passing for a while has a padlock on it. Forming political disarray, the Band plays “Jailhouse Rock”. (Jailhouse Rock) Recently, the Philadelphia Transit system workers went on strike. The inevitable question is “why?” The unions’ decision is based on many factors:
  • Conductors upset about proposal to replace trains with ricksaws
  • Tired of being paid in cheesesteak
  • Want to change name from “SEPTA” to “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”
  • City’s new amphibious buses turned out to be not-so-amphibious
  • Health Care package consisted of band-aids and a bottle of aspirin
  • Fear of terrorist acts perpetrated by disgruntled 76ers fans
  • Uniform includes bridle and stirrups
  • That one guy on the number 54 bus won’t stop reciting Leviticus
  • Wanted more free time to search for Benjamin Franklin’s buried treasure. Yarrr!
  • Do you want to drive a bus through downtown Philly?
  • Local taxi companies “double-dog” dared them.
Can’t get your normal bus? The cabbies say “Hold on, They’re Comin'” (Hold On, I’m Comin’) Run away, Band! It’s NYU security, and they want our conductor!

11/12/2005 — Yale

CHAOOOOS! It’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) God, Class of Aught, has really been sticking it to Yale. Plagues, violence, and assorted mayhem have decended upon New Haven, marring the Connecticut landscape even more than usual. Here are just a few of the terrors taking place:
  • Professors have been swallowed by the Earth, leaving the Yalis with even less class
  • Bulldogs have been driven out by an invasion of bullfrogs.
  • The first-born child of every coed is being killed, oh wait, they did that themselves
  • Storms of fire and brimstone over New Haven have caused millions of dollars in improvements
  • All green plants are dying-all five of them
  • Swarms of pigeons are carrying off the homeless
  • President Richard Levin turned into a pillar of salt
  • In related news, the Bulldog was arrested for public urination, on a pillar of salt
  • God replaced Yale’s Tree of Knowledge with Shrub of Ignorance
  • All barriers separating Yale from New Haven have crumbled
As the walls come tumbling down, the Band watches God’s wrath and says “I’m a Believer” (“I’m a Believer”) George W Bush has finally finished his senior thesis with the help of several friends, a speak and spell, and an army of furbies. It turns out that his thesis is an analysis of several exit strategies from Iraq. We felt the rest of the world should know the plans, too.
  • Replace troops with cardboard cutouts
  • Click combat boots together three times and say “There’s no place like home”
  • Tell the Iraqi provisional government that the soldiers left something in their car
  • Use newly-trained “Dancin’ Saddam” to distract locals while soldiers run away
  • Walk backwards slowly… very slowly
  • Enlist FEMA to airlift the soldiers out… oh wait
  • Put all the troops into a tiny windup car and floor it towards Kuwait.
What kind of three-ring circus does Bush think he’s running, anyway?! (“Also Sprach Zarathustra”) Flashers: A CLOWN THEORY Anagrams to: TORCH YALE NOW Flips to reveal: WE (HEART) PRINCETON Run away, Band, before Dean Dunne finds out this is a fat girl joke.


(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/19/2005 — Dartmouth

No one cares, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Allow us to present to you a show about everyone’s favorite Ivy League mascot, entitled: “A Day in the Life of Keggy”.
  • 8 AM-Keggy rolls out from under a pile of drunk frat boys.
  • 8:30-Keggy puts on sweatpants and rolls off to class
  • 10:05-Keggy falls asleep during chemistry lecture
  • 11:20-Keggy wakes up to find the professor sucking at her tap
  • 11:37-Keggy goes to lunch with former roommate, has a conversation about the crisis in Darfur
  • 1:30 PM-Keggy goes to diving practice, impresses coach with triple-barrel roll
  • 3:00-Keggy fished off the bottom of the pool
  • 4:00-Keggy meets with independent work advisor to discuss paper on alpacas
  • 6:00-Keggy gets ready for date with Mr. Kool-Aid
  • 9:30-Mr. Kool-Aid asks Keggy to “spike his punch”, Keggy gets offended and rolls off to nearby bar
  • 10:45-Keggy goes home with close friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Captain Morgan.
Forming Keggy, the Band plays “The Impression That I Get” (Tequila) (This was a “surprise” for our conductor. His head almost exploded. It was great.) Thank you for listening to the Princeton University Band. Side effects may include:
  • Heart palpitations
  • Ringing in the ears
  • Chloracne
  • Profuse sweating
  • Diarrhea… and I mean, a lot of diarrhea
  • Enlarged prostate
  • Alien spawn bursting from chest
  • Double-Double Rotating spleen
  • Halitosis
  • Hair loss
  • Zombism
  • SIDS
  • Morbid obesity in sorority women
  • Catholicism
  • Inexplicable spasms and thrashing
Forming side effects, the Band plays Rock Lobster. (Rock Lobster) For President Sarah “Since your name is Eric, I guess we can do that” Unger, Drum Major Charlie “Band makes me Kim Jong-Il” Bergen, Head Manager Mary “I could snap at any moment” Gallery, and Stu “It’s like a hook, he pees out his mouth, then he drinks it because he likes the taste” Lange, I’m Kevin “What has freedom ever done for me?” Smith, signing off.