Our announcer for the year was Kevin Smith ’07
9/17/2005 — LafayetteThe band did not perform at Lafayette this year, due to certain… misunderstandings with the Lafayette administration.
9/24/2005 — San DiegoBeing led onto the field by some guy we found passed out in a muddy ditch, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) We’d like the visitors from the University of San Diego to know what measures Princeton has taken to keep the campus healthy. Please use the new hand-sanitizer after finishing with the computers. After visiting the gym, be sure to wipe down the equipment. ALL the equipment. Our University Health Services will provide you with free condoms, but be sure to check that they aren’t expired… or used. Remember, be smart, and you stay classy, San Diego. Because even though you are burning for some action tonight, you don’t want to wake up with that same feeling in the morning. Forming a little “s” and hoping that San Diego won’t provide the TDs, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire”. (Great Balls of Fire) And now, Partyin’ in Pyne, Freakin’ in Frist Dancin’ in Dod, Jammin’ in Joline Hoppin’ in Holder, Bumpin’ in Blair Grindin’ in Guyot, Hangin’ in Henry Clappin’ in Cuyler, Cuylerin’ in Clapp Jumpin’ in Jadwin, Blastin’ in Bowen Rockin’ in Robertson, Passed out in TI Livin’ La Vida Laughlin, Getting’ down in Green Mackin’ in McCosh, Kickin’ it in Campbell And Staggering into the Stadium, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Going Back) Please rise for the playing of the national anthem.
10/1/2005 — ColumbiaHolla!!! At the Princeton University Band! (Play Cannon) We tried to make a joke about Columbia, but you guys are just so…ugh…banal, mundane, uninteresting, that we came up with nothing. So here are several things we think are funny, and may or may not be tangentially related to your LAME-iversity:
- Dinosaurs wearing hats
- Beating up old people
- Karim, the guy who works at the Wa
- Muppets with firearms
- Undead Viking Pirates from beyond the grave!
- Wyoming….seriously, WTF?!
- Sexual Inadequacy
10/8/2005 — ColgateNote: It had been raining torrentially for the past couple of days, and it continued into the next week. Hydroplaning onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Colgate’s administration is lame. Really lame. SUPER-DUPER EXTRA CRAZY LAME! Here are some of the things they’ve done to try and be cool enough to hang out with the cooler university administrations.
- Buy the frathouses so that they can go to all the parties
- Get rid of the library
- Put in some sweet hills everywhere! WOOOO!
- Bicker T.I.
- Join the Colgate Band… oh wait
- Sleep with Dartmouth
10/15/2005 — BrownNote: See note above “This just in… IT’S STILL RAINING!!!!” (Cannon) So we stumbled upon this letter from a Brown freshman to his parents, and we were shocked at the tone of distress. Hear it for yourselves: “Hello mother, hello dad, I’m here at Brown, and life is BAD. I have been cursed with awful roomies, And since I’m a frosh, no girls will do me. I sadly found it was no joke, When my RA asked if I wanted to toke. The final scourge to hit this land Came in last night — it’s the Princeton Band! Rescue me quick, this is getting dire: They tried to set their conductor on fire! There’s some good out of this sordid tale At least I didn’t go to Yale. All my love from this college town, Please let me come home… God hates Brown. Forming a little “b” for “below sea level”, the band plays the Brown Cheering Song. (Brown Cheering Song) And now…. More qualified than…
- Harriet Tubman
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
- When Harriet Sally
- Harriet the Spy
- Harriet Potter
- Mike Myers
- Harriet Truman
- Fort Myers
- and HARRIET MIERS
10/22/2005 — HahvahdGive me liberty or give me Head… of the Charles, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Sure the Big Dig seemed like a good idea, what with easier commuting and all. But it has unearthed a whole lot of new problems.
- Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
- Leftover giant shovels
- City-wide déjà vu
- Unearthed ancient Indian burial grounds, putting a curse on all of Boston. Maybe after another 84 years, you’ll be able to remove that curse.
- Jimmy Hoffa’s body
- City-wide déjà vu
- Gates to Hell
10/29/2005 — CornellFleeing from the Harvard Police, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Wow, the Cornell Band sure does have a lot of members. How did they trick so many people into joining?
- The promise of lovin’
- Free drugs for al incoming members
- One-on-one meeting with the Big Red
- All the Lake Cayuga you can drink!
- 1 in 12 wins a free 20 ounce Coke
- One hour free at the Motel Cornell
- Modestly better conversation than with the cows
- All the cool kids are doing it!
11/5/2005 — PennConvulsing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) It turns out Penn was renting its land from the Pennsylvania government, and after their humiliating loss to Brown, the government isn’t renewing the lease. We thought we’d suggest a few possible sites for relovation.
- Bottom of the Garnd Canyon
- Chernobyl — Penn students will fit right in!
- Gaza Strip — Israel informs us it’s open for resettlement
- Capitol Hill — not much left there to screw up
- Korean DMZ — safer than Philadelphia
- Sea World — heh…just like your transcripts!