2005 Pregames

Our announcer for the year was Kevin Smith ’07

9/17/2005 — Lafayette

The band did not perform at Lafayette this year, due to certain… misunderstandings with the Lafayette administration.

9/24/2005 — San Diego

Being led onto the field by some guy we found passed out in a muddy ditch, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) We’d like the visitors from the University of San Diego to know what measures Princeton has taken to keep the campus healthy. Please use the new hand-sanitizer after finishing with the computers. After visiting the gym, be sure to wipe down the equipment. ALL the equipment. Our University Health Services will provide you with free condoms, but be sure to check that they aren’t expired… or used. Remember, be smart, and you stay classy, San Diego. Because even though you are burning for some action tonight, you don’t want to wake up with that same feeling in the morning. Forming a little “s” and hoping that San Diego won’t provide the TDs, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire”. (Great Balls of Fire) And now, Partyin’ in Pyne, Freakin’ in Frist Dancin’ in Dod, Jammin’ in Joline Hoppin’ in Holder, Bumpin’ in Blair Grindin’ in Guyot, Hangin’ in Henry Clappin’ in Cuyler, Cuylerin’ in Clapp Jumpin’ in Jadwin, Blastin’ in Bowen Rockin’ in Robertson, Passed out in TI Livin’ La Vida Laughlin, Getting’ down in Green Mackin’ in McCosh, Kickin’ it in Campbell And Staggering into the Stadium, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Going Back) Please rise for the playing of the national anthem.

10/1/2005 — Columbia

Holla!!! At the Princeton University Band! (Play Cannon) We tried to make a joke about Columbia, but you guys are just so…ugh…banal, mundane, uninteresting, that we came up with nothing. So here are several things we think are funny, and may or may not be tangentially related to your LAME-iversity:
  • Dinosaurs wearing hats
  • Beating up old people
  • Karim, the guy who works at the Wa
  • Muppets with firearms
  • Undead Viking Pirates from beyond the grave!
  • Wyoming….seriously, WTF?!
  • Sexual Inadequacy
Saluting Columbia’s problems by forming a small “c”, the Band plays “Roar, Lion Roar”. (Play Roar, Lion Roar) And now: Obeying your thirst Doing the Dew Making 7-UP YOURS Being you, doing what you do Giving you wings Made from the best stuff on Earth Got Milk? Tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper Living the High Life Tapping the Rockies 100% taste, 0% calories Straight from the grove Good to the last drop We’re juice guys Is it in you? It’s the Double-Double-Rotating P!

10/8/2005 — Colgate

Note: It had been raining torrentially for the past couple of days, and it continued into the next week. Hydroplaning onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Colgate’s administration is lame. Really lame. SUPER-DUPER EXTRA CRAZY LAME! Here are some of the things they’ve done to try and be cool enough to hang out with the cooler university administrations.
  • Buy the frathouses so that they can go to all the parties
  • Get rid of the library
  • Put in some sweet hills everywhere! WOOOO!
  • Bicker T.I.
  • Join the Colgate Band… oh wait
  • Sleep with Dartmouth
Forming a little “c” for OH MY GOD SO MUCH RAIN WTF?!, the band plays Colgate’s fight song. And now: Slipping Sliding Splashing Swimming Waterskiing Wakeboarding Jetskiing Canoeing Kayaking NOT rowing Riverdancing Sailing Fishing Dolphin-Riding Surfing Sculling Diving Snorkeling Submarining Doggy-paddling Drowning Floating Sinking and Walking on Water, it’s the Double Double Rotating P! (Going Back) (Anthem)

10/15/2005 — Brown

Note: See note above “This just in… IT’S STILL RAINING!!!!” (Cannon) So we stumbled upon this letter from a Brown freshman to his parents, and we were shocked at the tone of distress. Hear it for yourselves: “Hello mother, hello dad, I’m here at Brown, and life is BAD. I have been cursed with awful roomies, And since I’m a frosh, no girls will do me. I sadly found it was no joke, When my RA asked if I wanted to toke. The final scourge to hit this land Came in last night — it’s the Princeton Band! Rescue me quick, this is getting dire: They tried to set their conductor on fire! There’s some good out of this sordid tale At least I didn’t go to Yale. All my love from this college town, Please let me come home… God hates Brown. Forming a little “b” for “below sea level”, the band plays the Brown Cheering Song. (Brown Cheering Song) And now…. More qualified than…
  • Harriet Tubman
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe
  • When Harriet Sally
  • Harriet the Spy
  • Harriet Potter
  • Mike Myers
  • Metro-Goldwn-Mayers
  • Quagmires
  • Harriet Truman
  • Fort Myers
  • and HARRIET MIERS
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!!! (Going Back) Run away band… Bush is playing with his weather machine again!

10/22/2005 — Hahvahd

Give me liberty or give me Head… of the Charles, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Sure the Big Dig seemed like a good idea, what with easier commuting and all. But it has unearthed a whole lot of new problems.
  • Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
  • Leftover giant shovels
  • City-wide déjà vu
  • Unearthed ancient Indian burial grounds, putting a curse on all of Boston. Maybe after another 84 years, you’ll be able to remove that curse.
  • Jimmy Hoffa’s body
  • City-wide déjà vu
  • Gates to Hell
Forming a little ‘h’ for Boston’s gate to Hell, the Band plays Harvardiana And Now: Rowing Stroking Paddling Driving Thrusting Pulling Breaking the Water Gliding Easing Wearing spandex Propelling Sweating Grunting Giving it your all Finishing strong It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Going Back) Run away Band! The Sox are in the World Series again!

10/29/2005 — Cornell

Fleeing from the Harvard Police, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) Wow, the Cornell Band sure does have a lot of members. How did they trick so many people into joining?
  • The promise of lovin’
  • Free drugs for al incoming members
  • One-on-one meeting with the Big Red
  • All the Lake Cayuga you can drink!
  • 1 in 12 wins a free 20 ounce Coke
  • One hour free at the Motel Cornell
  • Modestly better conversation than with the cows
  • All the cool kids are doing it!
Forming a little ‘c’ for Cornell’s cool kids, the Band plays “High Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Cornell’s Alma Mater) And now… Biting our thumbs at you Lending our ears Our kingdom for a horse! Being little but fierce Denying thy father Being or not being Wishing not one man more Getting the to a nunnery Taking some occasion without giving Something is rotten in the state of Denmark Full of sound and fury Signifying nothing Once more into the breach dear friends! It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Going Back) (Anthem)

11/5/2005 — Penn

Convulsing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) It turns out Penn was renting its land from the Pennsylvania government, and after their humiliating loss to Brown, the government isn’t renewing the lease. We thought we’d suggest a few possible sites for relovation.
  • Bottom of the Garnd Canyon
  • Chernobyl — Penn students will fit right in!
  • Gaza Strip — Israel informs us it’s open for resettlement
  • Capitol Hill — not much left there to screw up
  • Korean DMZ — safer than Philadelphia
  • Sea World — heh…just like your transcripts!
Forming a small “p” for the places you’ll go, the Band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania” (Fight On, Pennsylvania) And Now… Crossing the Rubicon Casting the die Bewaring the Ides of March Making our horses senators Fiddling while Rome burns Conquering the known world Feeding Christians to the lions Providing bread and circuses Being assassinated by the praetorian guard Triumvirating Dressing up like Hercules Building lots of aqueducts And invading Transalpine Gaul Because ALL roads lead to the Double Double Rotating P! Run away, band, it’s lead poisoning and overexpansion!

11/12/2005 — Yale

Attention, shoppers: our special on aisle 8 is the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) (To the tune of L-O-V-E) Y is for the way you’ll yell in pain A is all the fans we’ll drive insane L’s that line of blue, that Princeton team will soon crash through E is for the Elis falling, come and hear the tigers calling Yale, the things that we will do to you Yale, you know this pregame show is true Yale won’t last for long Princeton can’t go wrong And now, we’ll play your stupid song! (Whiffenpoofs song) And Now… Ending world hunger Saving the whales Curing cancer Single-handedly stopping the avian flu Ending apartheid Eliminating the budget deficit Winning the war on terror Saving the rainforest Warding off global warming Teaching children to read Discovering extraterrestrial life Fixing the hole in the ozone Ending partisan politics Bringing peace to the Middle East Finding Osama Preventing forest fires And Purging the world of genocide It’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Going Back)

11/19/2005 — Dartmouth

Hellooooo, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Cannon) We’d like to tell you the tale of our beloved president, Sarah Unger. Hers is a story of vomitously uplifting success. She was born the child of poor sharecroppers in Oklahoma, the eldest of three beautiful, buxom, blonde daughters. At the age of 13, she eloped with the fabulously wealthy Chiyotaikai, who became offended when her breasts became larger than his. She was forced to flee to Chicago and work as a hooker, where she met her true love, Erik Williamson. No distance could keep them apart, and Sarah soon followed Erik to Princeton, and his instrument to the Band. Her lust for Williamson was only surpassed by her lust for power. She was quick to decimate her enemies, and slept her way straight to the top. Her run-off against heavy-favorite, Mr. Spikey-Glass, ended when he had to pull out suddenly due to a mysterious dioxin poisoning. When asked about her plans for the future, she responded (unintelligible muttering and squeaking). Forming a little ‘d’ for dioxin, the Band says “I’ll play what I want, Proimcess”. (Dartmouth fight song) And now: Better living through chemistry I’m not that kind of girl Not enough salt in the world Ed Persia! Ix-nay on the uth-tray The youngers come but once a year Miyabiyama Give the people what they want Bread and circuses You be nice! Kratville! Mm mm mmmm mmmm?. The shower to end all showers As per usual Allo, poppet! DISHYYYYYYYYYYYYY! It’s the Double-Double-Rotating Nice Girl Boots! (Going Back) Run away, Band! It’s Sarah McUngerface, the Campus I-have-a-crush-on-every-boy Monster!