2006

Our announcer for the year was Kevin Smith ’07

9/16/2006 — Lehigh

The band did not perform at Lehigh this year this year due to conflicts with recruiting activities (it was the first weekend after classes started).

9/23/2006 — Lafayette

Crikey, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward)
Band forms Australia to honor recently deceased Steve Irwin
G’day, mates! Welcome to Crocodile Hunter: Prospect Avenue Edition! Today, we’ll be following one of the most gorgeous species in New Jersey: the Princeton Freshman. Notice how they often travel in packs to avoid predators, such as upperclassmen and squirrels [two awkward-looking packs divided by gender]. Oh, oh! We’ve got a rare opportunity to witness the unique mating rituals of these creatures. Notice the initial distance between the two sexes [Drum major and female band member approach, keeping a huge distance]. Ah, but now that everyone has discovered the sweet nectar found all over Prospect, the process accelerates [intoxicated dancing]! Oh this is just amazing! Notice, though, that the female quickly abandons her would-be mate for an older specimen [girl walks off with someone sporting a popped collar and sunglasses]. Too bad…. Ah, but we’re now getting a chance to see this freshman mark his territory [pretend to throw up on the field]! Aren’t these just amazing animals? What a BEAUTY! Honoring conservationist Steve Irwin, the Band forms Australia and plays “Welcome to the Jungle” (Band forms Australia and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”)
Band forms a jail cell
So, we had a real “dynamite” Lafayette joke for you, but it never got off the ground! We never received… clearance… just like that plane… last month… when a Lafayette student brought dynamite on a plane! No, seriously. This actually happened. Check the papers from August 25th. I guess it’s a good thing they didn’t find any of the OTHER things he had. Like… snakes. Or… snakes… with hair gel. Or… snakes… with DYNAMITE! But enough is enough. I’ve had it with this joke. Maybe we’ll try it again in ten years, when the moron gets out of jail. Saluting this student’s new location, the Band plays “Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms jail window with bars and plays “Jailhouse Rock”) [Cut]Get these motherfucking bandies off this motherfucking field! Get off the field, Band. Do as I say, and you live.

9/30/2006 — Columbia

Picking at it just makes it worse, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Scramble onto the field due to time constraints)
Band forms the UN Security Council
Recently, Columbia made the culturally-responsible choice of inviting President Mahmoud Amadinejad of Iran to give a speech on the same day as Rosh Hashannah. But that wasn’t all the man had on his itinerary for his first visit to New York. Here are some other things the Persian President got up to:
  • Attending lectures for Physics E4010: Introduction to Nuclear Science
  • Clubbing in the East Village
  • Scouting out possible locations for a “New Israel” on Long Island
  • Speaking at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser
  • Enjoying the deli cuisine of Brooklyn
  • Stumbling into the UN drunk, mooning the security council, then passing out
  • Issuing a fatwah against Arbor Mist wine coolers.
Forming the UN Security Council, the Band makes the obvious choice and plays “Basket Case”. (Band forms the Security Council logo and plays “Basket Case”)
Band forms “ED”
Princeton has finally eliminated its problem of early decision, or ED, but since ED still runs rampant at Columbia, we thought we’d give you some advice on how to instill some vigor into your drooping application process. First of all, it is important to know you are not alone: 3 out of 4 Ivy League universities suffer from ED. Currently, applying to Columbia is fast, scary, and everyone ends up crying, but eliminating ED will help prevent premature matriculation. Your student body will be much more confident and satisfied, and we think you’ll find that eliminating ED opens up your avenues to intellectual stimulation by a wider variety of people. So c’mon, Columbia! Students without large endowments need some lovin’, too! (Band forms “ED” and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”) Get outta here, Band. Your money’s on the nightstand.

10/7/2006 — Colgate

Note: This show was not actually performed. Colgate Athletics informed us the day before that they wouldn’t allow us to read the show, nor would their announcer read the show for us. To spite them, several members of the band purchased a mini microphone to plug into the amp of guitar player and announcer Kevin Smith ’07. However, due to stressful circumstances, the band decided against reading the show this way. Ruining a perfectly good Saturday afternoon, it’s the Princeton University Band!(Princeton Forward) Recent developments between Russia and its neighbor, Georgia, have been making it into the news lately, so we thought we’d take this opportunity to highlight a lesser-known breakdown in Russo-Georgian relations. Allow us to give you a brief rundown of the events leading to this Southern Fried Cold War:
  • Moscow admits Tennessee to the Warsaw Pact
  • Georgian officials declaration that “We could bury y’all, iffin we wonted”
  • East Berlin callously rejects airlifted chitlands and grits
  • Georgian farmers attempt to shoot down Sputnik with shotguns
  • Russia issues a tariff on moonshine imports
  • Georgians blame Chernobyl for physical deformities and toothlessness
  • Russia refuses to call Georgia anything other than “Bay of Pigs”
Forming Russia’s vision for a new Georgia, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire” (Band forms the State of Georgia and plays Great Balls of Fire) We noticed something strange about your new mascot. Grey skin… Red glowing eyes… Entrails dangling from his teeth. Coupled with the fingers in the cafeteria food, we can come to only one conclusion: Colgate has been overrun by zombies! Of course, those weren’t the only indications. The campus theatre has been showing “Night of the Living Dead” 24-hours a day, and the fact that Biology 101 lectures consist entirely of someone moaning “BRAAAIIIINNNS…” for an hour is a dead, or rather undead, giveaway. But hey, it’s not all bad. If you all become zombies, the average student’s vocabulary will double from “mmmm…” to “mmm…” and “BRAINS!!!”. Fortunately for you, since zombies only eat brains, their food source should dry up as soon as we leave town. Forming “brains” the Band plays “AHHHH!”. Braaaaiiiins…. (Band forms a brain and plays “241”) Run away, Band, before we accidentally make a toothpaste joke….Crap. (Instead of performing this joke, the band scrambled onto the field, formed an arc, and played the show tunes.)

10/13/2006 — Brown

I want my innocence back, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Forward)
Band forms a ruined political career
It turns out that this whole instant messenger scandal was nothing more than a liberal media conspiracy to sully the good name of yet another virtuous Republican congressman. In response to such mudslinging, Rep. Foley’s staff has finally released explanations for some of the more seemingly egregious passages. In fact, the entire conversation references a stray puppy Foley found while rescuing a burning bus full of nuns and orphans and then gave to his page. So when he said “love to watch that, those great legs running,” he was merely expressing interest in visiting the dog. Sure, statements like “is your little guy growing?” and “get a ruler and measure it for me” sound bad, but again, it’s just an honest question about the pup. And “love to slip them off you” … and “um so a big bulge” … and “good so your getting horny” …. OK, nevermind. The guy’s sick. Forming a ruined political career, the Band plays Everybody Needs Somebody (Band forms a shattered political career and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody”) After years of being the butt-end of Ivy Band jokes and in the double-digits in the US News and World Reports rankings, it seems Brown has decided to cast off their academic malaise. The following is a new series of programs to Providence has enacted to try to boost their image:
  • The University’s name will change from “Brown” to “Rich Mahogany”
  • Classes will now include readings and, in extreme cases, lectures
  • The faculty will double in size to four professors
  • The Brown Bear mascot will now feature spectacles and a pocket protector
  • Books without pictures will finally be allowed in the library
  • The Brown Band will be replaced with chainsaw-wielding howler monkeys
  • Graduation rates will be tripled by removing the “fail” option from pass/fail.
Band forms ESPN
The name of this new program of reforms is “Every Student Passes Now,” or ESPN. Saluting our erudite compatriots, the Band shows Brown how to avoid that troublesome Monday Night homework. (Band forms “ESPN” and plays Monday Night Football Theme) Run away, Band, before they realize this is a shameless attempt to get on Sports Center! (Note: This game was televised on ESPNU)

10/21/2006 — Harvard

Welcoming our visitors to the number one school in the nation, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Forward) Enigmatic potentate and reclusive lunatic Kim Jong Il (Harvard class of ’69) is up to his old tricks again, testing nuclear weapons in an attempt to gain international attention. And although the North Koreans have claimed that what they really want is diplomatic talks with the West, we in the Band have obtained a list of Kim’s personal requests in exchange for dismantling his weapons of mass distraction.
  • A lifetime supply of Yoohoo
  • An autographed photo of the Dixie Chicks
  • South Korea must change its name to Stupid Korea
  • The creation of Disneyland: Pyongyang
  • A shopping spree at Bed, Bath, and Beyond
  • A pony
  • Introduction of his own action figure, named G.I. Jong
  • A guest appearance on “The Bold and the Beautiful”
  • Scarlett Johansson
  • Tickets to the Price is Right
  • Admission to the “Greek Mud Cabin,” a new strip club in Manhattan meaty shish-kabobs instead of rack of lamb…
That’s a lot to ask for, Kim. Maybe we can think of something better for you to do… (“Also Sprach Zarathustra”) Flashers: GREEK MUD CABIN Anagrams to: NUKE CAMBRIDGE Flips to Reveal: ROCK ON OLD NASS

10/28/2006 — Cornell

Note that after getting most of the following show through the censors, the Cornell Athletics department decided to cut it in its entirety, stating that they wouldn’t let us make any derogatory comments about Cornell University, the Cornell Band, or the town of Ithica. The band’s response follows this show. Giving you a reason to live, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Recently, Cornell sexied up its “Textiles and Apparel” department by renaming it “Fabric Science and Apparel Design.” Wait, what?! With the intelligence of the average Cornell student, the department names should be headed in the opposite direction. For example, “Fabric Science and Apparel Design” should be: “Clothes.” Here are some other simplifications to help you out:
  • Nutritional Science: Gorging yourself… no, not like that!
  • Crop and Soil Sciences: Food and Dirt (not the same thing)
  • Chemistry: Maaaagic
  • Earth and Environmental Science: The Weather Channel
  • Theater, Film, and Dance: Homosexual Studies
  • Animal Science: Mooooo
  • Romance Studies: I tell you when you’re older
  • German Studies: Starting Wars
  • Food Science: Lunch
  • English: Letters
Brought to you by the letters “P,” “U,” and “B,” the Band panders to its audience and plays “The Muppet Show.” (Band forms an amorphous blob resembling a Muppet and plays “The Muppet Show”) Man, we’re so sick of those stupid “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirts. Let’s try to be a little more realistic, like “Ithaca: Pasty, White and Frigid.” Don’t like that slogan? Try these on for size:
  • Cornell: The Boise State of the East
  • Ithaca: Your Crack is Showing
  • Cornell: Better Luck Next Time
  • Ithaca: Always winter and never Christmas
  • Cornell: Fully Accredited since 1988
  • Ithaca: It’s to Die For
  • Cornell: Probably Better than Syphilis, Definitely Better than Penn
  • Cornell: Now with one less manic-depressive…. oh wait, make that two less
  • I graduated from Cornell and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
  • Cornell: Big, Red, and Itchy
  • Ithaca: It’s Lonely at the Bottom
Sympathizing with the poor sods who have to live in this town, the Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail” (Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”) [Cut]Run away, Band, you bunch of fudge-packing queers Run away, Band, only real marching bands allowed After the preceeding show was cut in its entirety, the following show was produced. However, it was also not performed, as Cornell Athletics would not let us subject their fans, students, and trustees to our “inane and irrelevant” shows. Further, after cutting this show in its entirety, Cornell Athletics decided that we wouldn’t be allowed to use the PA system at all. ALTERNATE CORNELL SHOW (ALSO NOT PERFORMED): Trying not to cause a riot, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) The investable assets of Cornell University provide financial support for the University’s educational mission. The University Board of Trustees is responsible for strategic management of all investable funds, and implements policy through the Investment Committee of the Board. The Committee establishes investment objectives, determines asset allocation, appoints investment managers, and monitors the overall investment program and investment results. The Committee meets at least four times per year, and delegates authority for day to day management, supervision and administration of the funds to the Chief Investment Officer. The source and intended use of assets dictate their placement in the Long Term Investment Pool (LTIP) or the Pooled Balances Investment Fund (PBIF). These asset pools are invested identically, but holders of each pool have different entitlement rights. When assets cannot be placed in either pool (due to a conflict in investment objectives or because of legal reasons) they are placed in Separately Invested Funds. For reasons not wholly apparent here, the Band forms an amorphous blob that it is calling a muppet and plays “The Muppet Show.” Ukraine is an interesting country, wouldn’t you say so? No? Well, I would, and I am the author, so I’m going to now give you a timeline of Ukrainian history from 1019 through 1240:
  • 1019: Yaroslav The Wise – one of Volodymyr’s sons becomes a Prince.
  • 1027: Construction of Svyata Sofia (St. Sophia) Cathedral.
  • 1054: Death of Prince Yaroslav.
  • 1068: Polovtsi army attack Kyiv state for the first time.
  • 1098 – 1099: Magyars attack Halychyna.
  • 1111: Kyiv Princes conquer Polovtsi.
  • 1113: Volodymyr Monomakh – the last of great princes of Kyiv – dies.
  • 1155 – 1157: Suzdal (Russian) Prince Yuriy Dovgoruky (founder of Moscow) attacks Kyiv.
  • 1155 – 1169: Destruction of Kyiv by Andrey Bogoliubsky, the Vldimir-Suzdal prince
  • 1187: The word Ukraine (Ukrayina) first used to describe Kyiv and Halychyna lands.
  • 1223: Ukrainians first battle Tatars in a battle near Kalko River: Tatars win.
  • 1238: Danylo Halytsky becomes a Prince of Halychyna. Next year he unites Halychyna with Kyiv.
  • 1240: Tatars capture Kyiv.
Here’s a t-shirt. I have a t-shirt that has Ukrainian on it. (Band forms t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”) Run away, Band. Only real marching bands allowed.

11/4/2006 — Penn

Show me your goodies, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Penn, we’ve found your website to be completely worthless, especially the news section. Who cares about your new buildings? People want dirt, and we in the Princeton Band have taken the liberty to give the masses the Penn headlines they want:
  • Amy Gutmann hosed from Cottage
  • Penn Band implicated in oil-for-oatmeal scandal.
  • Bush expands Axis of Evil to include Belarus, University of Pennsylvania
  • Quaker riots escalate, National Guard called in.
  • Penn admits first-ever smart kid; Smart kid declines, goes to Princeton
  • Campus environment improves as Penn swallowed by Hell
  • Penn student scores date with real-live woman
  • Penn professor tours Thailand, investigates youth culture.
Forming Bangkok, the Band plays Jungle Boogie (“Jungle Boogie”) In a recent interview, Barack Obama admitted to “inhaling” in his youth, in contrast to a certain former President. Such frankness rarely shines through in politics, but in an effort to keep up in the media, many other prominent politicians have come forward to let the skeletons out of their own closets.
  • George W. Bush finally admits to having a lobotomy
  • Robert Byrd confesses to having died five years ago
  • John McCain says he delayed retirement just to annoy Pres. Bush
  • Ruth Bader-Ginsburg admits that she is actually a man
  • Condoleeza Rice admits to third-floor bickering the White House
  • Bill Frist admits that he is not a real doctor
  • Dennis Hastert admits that he is an amorphous blob
  • Bill Clinton admits to an intimate relationship with Hillary Clinton
  • John Kerry admits dipping his fries in Heinz.
Wondering what will happen to these honest-Abe’s, the Band forms the court of public opinion and plays “Aftershock.” (Band forms the court of public opinion and plays “Aftershock”) Run away, Band. This halftime show is inane and irrelevant and does not contribute to a football atmosphere.

11/11/2006 — Yale

You must conceive before you believe the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Yale student Aleksei Vayner is clearly too amazing for words, which must be why he created his own promotional video: to show the world his unparalleled talents. Being the humble guy that he is, though, he omitted several of his more astounding achievements. What else did Vayner do, you ask? Well, he
  • Roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris
  • Beat Deep Blue in four moves
  • Knows every digit of pi
  • Stared at a Rubik’s cube until is solved itself
  • Drop-kicked Pluto out of the solar system because it was ticking him off
  • DIDN’T do as Samuel L. Jackson said and lived
  • Brought balance to the force
  • Became life-coach to Pope Benedict XVI
  • He’s the Juggernaut… Yale
  • You know the last Romanov, Anastasia? She’s his bitch
  • Got a 2400 on the SAT… the OLD SAT
  • Built a time machine so that he could travel back in time and beat up Hitler
Forming a flux capacitor, the Band plays “Back to the Future” (Band forms flux capacitor and plays “Back to the Future”) So Yale just blew over $20 million restoring the Yale Bowl, and it’s still a piece of junk. Here’s what the space SHOULD have been used for:
  • Staging mock naval battles
  • World’s biggest Ball Pit
  • Housing refugees from New Haven
  • An enormous litter box
  • Record-Shattering bowl of Froot Loops
  • Ritualistic sacrifice of the destitute
  • Turn it into a really cool fort!
  • Three words: Hungry. Hungry. Hippos.
  • Feeding religion majors to the lions.
  • George W. Bush Presidential Library… oh wait… he can’t read
  • Storage facility for Yale’s inferiority complex
  • Worst. Ski resort. Ever.
Nevermind, just tear it down and give everyone a better view of scenic New Haven. Forming the rubble of the Yale Bowl, the Band plays “I Can See for Miles” (Band forms rubble and plays “I Can see for Miles”) Run away, Band! It’s Handsome Dan and he has to pee!

THE 2006 SHOW THAT NEVER WAS

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/18/2006 — Dartmouth

Undefeated in Ivy League play, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Princeton Forward) Following a dust-up with some Holy Cross players a few weeks ago, Dartmouth was left with no choice but to sternly discipline their offending players. Administrators from both schools got together to decide the appropriate punishments. Holy Cross suggested:
  • Excommunication
  • Burning at the stake
  • 50 Hail Mary’s and an off-tackle reverse
  • Forcing them to stay in Hanover
While Dartmouth countered with:
  • All frat houses will be off-tap on Saturday from 7-11…AM
  • Must write “I will not get into a brawl with Holy Cross” on the blackboard 100 times
  • Made to sit in the corner and think about what they did
  • Ten points from Gryffindor
  • Receivers’ hands cut off, since it would do little to alter their performance
  • Team no longer allowed to use Celine Dion mix-tape to get pumped before games.
The Band forms a Holy Cross and plays Dartmouth’s new pump-up music, Proud Mary (Band forms a cross and plays “Proud Mary”) Most people think that Dr. Seuss, Dartmouth class of ’25, was just some mild-mannered children’s book author. But did you know that he was fired as editor of a Dartmouth publication for violating Prohibition? True story. Here are some other misadventures of the good Doctor we bet you didn’t know, despite the clues hidden throughout his works:
  • Fired from Dining Services for serving Green Eggs and Ham
  • Got arrested for showing girls drawings of Thing 1 and Thing 2
  • Busted trying to steal Christmas
  • Caught trying to convince several coeds that he was a real physician
  • Created a scandalous collection of photography entitled “Fox in Socks”
  • Destroyed all Hanover Lorax habitats in a drunken rage
  • Once refused to go to the blackboard because he had “A Wocket in His Pocket”
  • Insisted on being called “Gerald McBoing-Boing”
  • Made a couple of suggestions for “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” to the dean of the college
  • Spent a week in the infirmary after testing his hypothesis: “I can lick 30 Tigers.”
Saluting our own un-lickable Tigers, the Band forms Dr. Seuss’ tongue and plays “Eye of the Tiger.” (Band forms a tongue and plays “Eye of the Tiger”) And now, for the last time… On behalf of President Mary “Who needs brains with t-…” [pause] Gallery, Drum Major Charlie “Ahhhh they took my friggin’ kidney!” Bergen, Head Manager Stuart “IF-I-DON’T-GET-TO-JADWIN-I-WON’T-GET-THE-PIZZA-AND-IF-I-DON’T-GET-THE-PIZZA- THE-BAND-WON’T-BE-ABLE-TO-EAT-AND-THEY’LL-DIE-AND-CAN’T-YOU-SEE- THIS-IS-VERY-IMPORTANT?!?!?! CHARLIE, YOU’RE IN CHARGE.” Lange, and Student Conductor Charles “Conducting: It’s 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration!” Pence, my name is Kevin “With The Intro!” Smith, signing off.