Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman ’09

9/15/2007 — Lehigh

Back from your nightmares, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Princeton Forward] As we’ve walked along Elm Drive of late, we can’t help but look back and forth between the former Butler and the brand-new Whitman and reflect on how much the University’s style has changed over the past few decades. For example,
  • While Butler was equipped with bike racks on the roofs, Whitman has Segway racks on the roofs
  • Butler could contain rioting students, but Whitman can repel pillaging Ostragoths
  • Every closet door in Butler had instructions for what to do in the event of a nuclear attack, Whitman closets have instructions for what to do if your air conditioner breaks
  • Butler’s cumbersome and confusing building names like 1941 and 1942 have been replaced with concise, easy-to-remember ones like Murley-Pivirotto Family Tower
  • Whitman has special trash rooms to keep unsightly garbage out of view, whereas Butler’s appearance was improved by liberally distributed rubbish heaps
  • Butler had waffle ceilings, but Whitman has plasma screen TV ceilings that display pictures of waffles
Of course, the most ironic thing is that Butler was designed to be the dorm of the future, but Whitman is designed to be the dorm of the past. The band salutes Princeton’s bold strides into the 1850’s by forming the remains of Butler and playing the “Time Warp.” (Band forms rubble and plays “Time Warp”) One of the most unfailing signs of the beginning of the academic year, aside from the return of the borough police to Prospect street, is the appearance of clumps of confused freshman wandering around campus. Of course, this is usually just a few hapless souls looking for Richardson, or a couple trying to sneak into Cannon on a Wednesday night. This year, the confusion reached a new peak as the freshmen were pressed into an orientation scavenger hunt. We couldn’t help but wonder, what exactly were they searching for? Was it:
  • An unlocked entrance to the steam tunnels
  • Jimmy Hoffa’s body
  • Donald Rumsfeld’s marbles
  • A housing reassignment for their doubles in Lourie-Love
  • A sober person in TI on a Saturday night
  • The sword of Gryffindor
  • Karim
  • A non-Freudian sculpture
  • The package room in Frist
  • The Northwest Passage
  • A place on campus from which you cannot see a construction site
  • An English-speaking professor in Fine Tower
Of course, they’ll all go crazy trying to find any of those things. Forming insanity, the band plays Basketcase. [Band forms random dots and plays “Basketcase”] Run away band, the audience can tell you haven’t practiced in three months!

9/22/2007 — Lafayette

Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier Lafayette, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Princeton Forward]Everybody knows about O.J. Simpson being arrested recently in connection with an armed robbery case. But what very few people know is that this arrest is just the tip of an iceberg of nefarious deeds. Here are a few of the things he’s been up to while out of the public eye:
  • Brutally murdering (pause 2 seconds) the speed limit!
  • Tearing the tags off of his pillows
  • Attempting to return an unmatched glove without a receipt
  • Illegally downloading Naked Gun 33 1/3
  • Plagiarizing his book “If I did it” from an episode of Law and Order
  • Providing life coaching to Scott Peterson
  • Counting 2 tomatoes as a single item in the express lane at Shop-Rite
  • Running an illegal hamster-fighting ring
  • Selling multiple fake copies of his Heisman Trophy on E-Bay
Forming a more convincing Heisman trophy than the ones O.J. has been selling, the band wishes him the best of luck in his upcoming trial and plays “Jailhouse Rock.” [Band forms Heisman trophy and plays “Jailhouse Rock”] The Band would like to join with Lafayette University in celebrating the 250th anniversary of the Marquis de Lafayette’s birth. Everyone knows about his involvement in the French and American revolutions, but we thought we’d take a moment to point out some of his less-well-known accomplishments.
  • He attempted to feed the Continental Army exclusively on foie gras, escargot and frog legs.
  • He brutally knocked off his wife, Nichole Brown Simpson
  • He is the only person in history to retreat from a French army twice
  • He was legally married to George Washington
  • He invented french toast and french fries. Of course, he just called them “toast” and “fries”
  • He crossed the Delaware in a boat made entirely of Brie
  • He had triple citizenship in France, the United States and Gondor
Saluting our favorite expatriate, the band forms the French flag and plays “Carry On My Wayward Son.” [Band forms french flag and plays “Carry On”] Run away Band, it’s the zombie Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier Lafayette, and he’s angry!

9/29/2007 — Columbia

I believe that our, I, U.S. Americans like such as IT’S THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND! [Band marches on to Princeton Forward] Now that the second week of school is over, the deadline to add and drop classes has passed. You know what that means? It means it’s time for the your professors to drop all the pretenses and show their true selves, because, guess what? You’re stuck with them now! Here’s some of what you can expect to see, come Monday.
  • Your preceptor no longer bothers to bathe
  • The U-Store will now buy back textbooks at -9% of purchase price
  • Your professor tells you that there’s a typo on the syllabus, and where it says ‘optional’, it should say ‘mandatory’
  • Your NES class moves on from Mario and Duckhunt to the geopolitical dynamics of oil shocks
  • Your intro chem lab is STILL about titration
  • Your academic advisor reveals himself to be a cardboard cutout.
  • The Whitman dining hall now serves only stale bread and RC cola
  • Your professor moves his office hours to 4:30 AM, and his office to the Forrestal Campus
  • Your problem sets no longer consist entirely of Connect-the-dots
  • Your hot professor pulls off her mask to reveal that she is actually Robbie George
Forming Robbie George’s imposing countenance, the band plays “She’s not There” [Form some sort of glaring angry face, play “She’s not There”] Hey, Columbia. Sure, there was a lot of uproar surrounding Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking on your campus, but who really heard anything about his speech beyond his claims that there are no homosexuals in Iran? Well, as a public service, we thought we’d tell you a few points from his speech that seem to have somehow escaped coverage.
  • Iranians can turn invisible, but only when foreigners aren’t looking.
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il won an Olympic silver medal in Ice Dancing
  • An Iranian made the first solo flying carpet ride around the earth
  • Iran invented every single element on the periodic table, except plutonium, which they know nothing about
  • Ahmadinejad once strangled a bear – with a shark!
  • There are warehouses full of fudge in Iran, because there’s nobody there to pack it
  • Ahmadinejad is the real killer of Nichole Brown Simpson
  • Ahmadinejad is the real killer that OJ has been searching for
  • Those nuclear programs aren’t for military purposes, they’re for having a really awesome 4th of July …over New York City
  • The only IED’s Iran has been sending to Iraq have been Infidel Eating Donkeys.
Forming an Infidel-Eating-Donkey, the band plays “I’m a Believer” [Form roughly ovaloid shape with ears and eyes, play “I’m a Believer”] Run away band, it’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and he thinks you’re queer! Run away band, it’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and he likes your ass! Run away band, it’s Kim Jong Il, and he’s looking for a new partner!

10/06/2007 — Hampton

About to be totally upstaged, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band random precision marches on to Forward] Colgate! Good to see you…wait a second…you’re not Colgate. Who are you people? (pause as if being told something off microphone) Hampton? You’re Hampton? Well, I’ll tell you what. Since you guys are new here, let us give you a couple of recommendations for how to spend your time in Princeton. You could:
  • Visit the many affordable and not at all bourgeois stores on Nassau street
  • Stop by Firestone Library, which houses many rare book collections, as well as our money trees
  • Go on an Orange-Key tour entirely free of blatant lies
  • Have a chat with the Dean of Wicca, Nancy Malkiel
  • Meet some of the many engaging and friendly socialites who frequent the Engineering Quadrangle
  • Tour the Woodrow Wilson School of International affairs, which houses our tool factory, and is conveniently close to Tower Club, our toolshed
Of course, if Princeton doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, we recommend that you look outside the Ivy League. Say, at Penn, for example. But we certainly hope we made a better impression on you than that. Welcoming Hampton to Princeton, the band forms Nassau hall and plays “The Impression that I Get” [Band forms Nassau Hall, plays “The Impression that I Get”] While we were playing that song, our elite team of researchers did some work, and we found out that Hampton’s mascot is the pirates. Not only that, the entire institution seems to have a piratical bent, as evidenced by some of the courses listed in Hampton’s current undergraduate announcement, such as:
  • Agricultural Studies 107: Parrot Husbandry
  • Economics 201: Privateering
  • Geoscience 333: Finding buried treasure
  • Linguistics 597: Special Topics In Phonetics: The Letter RRRRR
  • Biological Engineering 458: Peg legs, Eye Patches and Hook Hands
  • Computer Science 208: Intellectual Property Rights and File-sharing
  • Quantum 101: The Planck Length
  • Chemistry 341: Molasses distillation
  • Finance/Women’s Studies 109: Using your booty to get what you want.
  • Psychology 176: Cabin fever
  • Film Studies 399: Pirates of Penzance, Mutiny on the Bounty, and Muppet Treasure Island
Forming a Muppet Treasure Island, the band plays “The Muppet Show” [Band forms an island, plays “Muppet Show”] Run away band, this field ain’t big enough for the two of you!

10/13/2007 — Brown

Big money big money big money no whammies no whammies STOP! It’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches on to Forward] We heard that the governor of Massachusetts was recently at Brown to pitch his plan to open casinos in his home state. This really got us thinking about the many advantages of casinos, and suddenly it came to us. Why not open a casino at Brown? Here are some of the changes we envision for the new Brown University/Casino:
  • All TA’s will be replaced with cocktail waitresses
  • Visiting professors will now include Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett
  • Grades will now be decided by a roulette wheel, 36 P’s, 1 F and one FF
  • The Rhode Island Gaming Commission will finally have something to do
  • Professors will now hit on B, stay on B+
  • Campus washing machines will only do your laundry on three cherries
  • Brown’s second-rate reputation as an academic institution will be revitalized by the dignity and prestige associated with the gambling industry
  • Chamber of Commerce will introduce the new slogan ‘Whatever happens in Providence, stays in Providence…because nobody cares’
  • Dining halls will feature $5 lobster
  • Instead of giving financial aid, they will just comp your losses
Saluting Brown’s generous new policy, the Band hits the jackpot and plays “Back In Black” [Band forms a $, plays “Back in Black”] Browsing Brown’s website, we came across a series of stories about the worthy causes that Brown researchers have been working on. For example, chemists managed to determine exactly why dirt smells like dirt. Also, biologists succeeded in making a novel 3-dimensional petri dish. Of course, they were just trying to make a bong pipe, but the accomplishment is no less impressive. However, we figured these guys shouldn’t get all the glory, and we ought to take some time to note the achievements of others at Brown:
  • The physicists have been working on ways to get Brown into the rainbow
  • Anthropologists have discovered the point in history where Brown students diverged from Homo Sapiens
  • Philosophers finally found the answer to the question ‘Dude, wait, what?’
  • Geographers discovered that Rhode Island isn’t an island…or a road
  • Botanists have…honestly, do we even need to say it?
  • Archaeologists digging in Africa the Fertile Crescent unearthed a femur bone that could be the oldest human remains ever discovered, then hollowed it out and smoked through it
Forming a femur, the band plays…wait, what does the band play? Band, play something… [Band forms a femur, plays a tritone] Dude, that was cool…do that again… [Band plays a tritone] Dude… [Band plays “Chameleon”] Run away band, here come some special Brownies!

10/20/2007 — Harvard

The announcer for this game was Mark Cerqueira ’10 Scabies…scaaaaabies…it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches on to Forward] Al Gore, was recently awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace for his documentary warning about global warming. However, some naysayers have claimed that Al Gore didn’t deserve his prize. To dispute this, we’d like to contrast his case with some of the more questionable Nobels that have been given out.
  • Michael Jackson received the Nobel prize in medicine for his contributions to pediatrics
  • Larry Summers received the Nobel prize in Women’s Studies
  • The Jolly Green Giant received the Nobel Peas Prize
  • Carrot Top narrowly beat out Slobadan Milosevic for the Nobel Prize in being Hated By Everyone
  • Bill Belichick won the Nobel prizes in Cinematography, Ethics, and Fashion, but they were all revoked, because he cheats
  • Miss Teen South Carolina was awarded the Nobel Prize in cartography
  • Dan Quayle received the Nobel Prize for his documentary ‘A Convenient Truth,’ which demonstrated conclusively that bunnies are fuzzy…except for the shaved ones
  • All the residents of Pennypacker hall were collectively awarded the Nobel prize in Scabies-I mean chemistry
In light of all these, it doesn’t seem so bad that Mr. Gore, Harvard class of ’69, got a prize. He can keep it on his shelf next to the one he got for inventing the internet. And besides, he assures us he won’t let it go to his head. Saluting the Harvard’s humble harbinger of heating, the band plays ‘You Can Call Me Al” [Band forms ’69, plays “You Can Call Me Al”] Harvard’s been in the news a lot lately, what with inaugurating its first female president. As a result, universities around the nation have struggled to gain the spotlight with other dramatic institutional changes. For example:
  • Cornell built the world’s largest trampoline…at the bottom of the gorge
  • Cornell’s president is no longer paid in livestock
  • Michigan’s football team lost to a Division I-AA school
  • Juilliard has brought back castradi
  • The University of Phoenix hired its first professor to have graduated high school
  • OSU decided to add an academic department to balance its many athletic departments
  • Bob Jones University created the world’s first department of Non-evolutionary biology
  • Tulane altered its graduation uniform, adding beads, and removing the gown
  • Harvard was ranked as the first-[pause]-runner-up in the U.S. news and world report college rankings.
Letting the numbers speak for themselves, the band plays Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, or “241” [Band forms a 1, plays “241”] Run away band, there’s permethrin cream on the sidelines!

10/26/2007 — Cornell

Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band plays Forward] You may have heard that the Cornell Emergency Medical Service has just unveiled a new Mass Casualty Unit, capable of handling up to 100 patients in the event of a mass disaster. This might seem a tad excessive for a remote location in upstate New York, but we who are of a more creative bent can think of all sorts of situations at Cornell where it will be useful.
  • Mass bovine stampedes
  • Mints on pillows at school of hotel administration turn out to be choking hazards
  • Temporary life support system failure in dorms causes mass hypothermia
  • Cheese eating cheese monster attacks campus. Initial reports indicate cheesiness. Cheese.
  • Big Red turns out to be flesh-eating bacterial rash
  • Out-of-tune playing by Big Red Marching band causes avalanche
  • 50-dogsled pileup on county road 1136B
  • Mixup of zoloft and viagra at campus pharmacy results in dozens of students being engorged
  • Mislabeling of viagra shipment at campus pharmacy results in dozens of students being engorged
  • Zombie apocalypse
  • Students at Cornell Ornithology Lab confuse ‘egress’ with ‘egret’ during fire drill and follow signs to a feathery death
Forming a feathery death, the band plays “Birdland” [Band forms a bird, plays Birdland] Best-selling author J.K. Rowling recently outed one of her characters, Albus Dumbledore. Naturally, this announcement has sent shock waves through the literary community, prompting all sorts of surprising revelations.
  • Dr. Zhivago turns out to have a PhD in Massage Therapy
  • The catcher in the rye reveals that he prefers to pitch
  • Dracula turns out to have a great farmers’ tan
  • Oedipus knew it was his mom all along
  • Anne Frank reveals she’s actually a Buddhist
  • Gulliver admitted that he actually just sat in his living room and ate a bag of shrooms
  • Eeyore has been diagnosed as bipolar
  • Peter Pan was just a middle-aged guy who liked to wear tights and hang out with boys
  • Tiny Tim faked his disability in order to get workman’s comp
  • Captain Ahab was really just a Lieutenant Junior Grade
  • The little engine that could was using steroids
  • The Babysitter’s Club was arrested for gang violence
  • Raskolnikov was framed by Sonya
  • Dan Brown reveals that you are the last living descendant of Jesus
  • Frodo and Sam have announced that they are eloping to Massachusetts
  • Dante acknowledges that the lowest circle of hell is really just Ithaca, NY
Forming the 9th circle, the band plays “Great Balls of Fire” [Band forms circle, plays GBoF] Run away, Band. Everyone hates you. Why don’t you just leave?

11/03/2007 — Penn

At least we remembered to wear pants, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles on] Word on the street is that Penn has launched a new 3.6 billion dollar fundraising campaign. We just happen to have a few suggestions for where that money could go:
  • Books without pictures
  • A varsity jello-wrestling pit
  • Oatmeal
  • A giant fence between Penn and the rest of Philadelphia
  • Love. That much money can buy love
  • A pony for every student
  • 50 billion superballs
  • Pay all the other ivy-league schools to pretend to like you
But we all know what they’re really going to spend it on. [Band forms shotglass, plays “Tequila”] As part of an attempt to broaden its appeal, the NFL recently staged the first-ever professional football game outside of North America. Naturally, this has left other less-popular sports scrambling for new ways to increase their market share.
  • Baseball has gotten rid of the Red Sox
  • Curling replaced brooms, stones and gloves with pucks, sticks, and pads, but for some reason still can’t find an audience outside of Canada
  • Golf has added kill-saws to the greens
  • The Tour-De-France introduced regulations to ensure that all riders are using the same amounts of performance enhancing drugs
  • The Kentucky Derby has replaced horses with pogo sticks. Jockeys are reported to be upset, yet oddly pleased
  • The tennis governing commission has informed Roger Federer that he’s only allowed to be that good after recovering from testicular cancer
  • The two-man luge has added a woman
  • Dog fighting is now including new breeds, the first shih-tzu versus poodle match is scheduled for next month
  • The International Cricket Board has decided to stop pretending to understand the rules, and just told the players to make stuff up
Forming the rules of cricket, the band plays “Anyway You Want It” [Band forms randomness, plays “AYWI”] Run away Band, or you’re toast!

11/10/2007 — Yale

Elis. I hate these guys. It’s the Princeton University Band! According to NPR, Yale’s campus is abuzz with excitement over the arrival of film crews in New Haven for the shooting of Indiana Jones IV. Current working titles include ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Not Being Stabbed By A Homeless Guy’ and ‘Indiana Jones and the Sanctuary Steeped in Foreboding’. But aside from avoiding muggers, what else has Indy been doing since Last Crusade?
  • Making repairs to the millenium falcon
  • Getting a restraining order against Short Round
  • Driving zeppelins very slowly in the left lane
  • [Scottish accent] Viewing the tapestries
  • Teaming up with Simon Weisenthal to catch and pummel geriatric Nazis
  • Earning his father’s respect, again and again and again
  • Finding new and exciting uses for his whip (the safe word is pumpkin)
  • Egging Kate Capshaw’s house
  • Spending hours and hours playing Castle Wolfenstein
  • Exchanging tips with Rocky and James Bond on picking up younger women.
  • Of course, he’s mostly been spending his time searching for the fountain of youth. He’s really trying to find a way to avoid that hip replacement surgery.
[Band plays “Also Sprach”] LIMB REMEDIES DISMEMBER ELI LETS GO TIGERS New Haven. Why’d it have to be New Haven?


(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/17/2007 — Dartmouth

Leeeeroy Jenkins, it’s the Princeton University Band [Band marches on to Forward while Leachman reads the first joke] Wow, Dartmouth. You managed to get sued by your own alumni association. What could you possibly have done to provoke this litigation?
  • Graduates’ diplomas are not being accepted because they’re made out of tree-bark
  • Graduates’ diplomas are not being accepted because they’re from Dartmouth
  • The University won’t to pay to have beer stains removed from parkas
  • The Agriculture Department has cut back drastically on ovine husbandry courses
  • Health Services has refused to cover medical costs related to frostbite
  • Dr. Seuss spoke perfectly normally before he went through the Dartmouth Department of English
  • Prolonged exposure to the big green has given alumni septic toxcemia
  • The sheep didn’t look anything like the pictures in the brochure
Forming a sheep that looks nothing like the picture, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'” [Band forms a sheep, plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”] Pakistan’s leader, Pervez Musharraf is in a bit of a tough spot at the moment. We figured he could use a few tips on how to solidify his failing grasp on the country. As luck would have it, we just happen to have some.
  • Invite all your exiled rivals back to the country for a surprise black-tie gala, then cancel it at the last minute and make them feel really awkward
  • Replace the Pakistani supreme court with a wheel of parmesan cheese
  • Start a facebook group, 1,000,000 strong for Pervez Musharraf
  • Since Bush’s unpopularity has sapped his foreign support, consider befriending a more popular regime, like the ones in Myanmar or North Korea
  • Rebrand himself as The Legitimately Elected Leader Formerly Known As Pervez Musharraf
  • Pool party!
  • Rename the capital from Islamabad to Islamagood!
  • Distract your populace from their terrible lives with balloon animals, or if that doesn’t work, try shooting them
Of course if none of those work, we’re pretty sure you and India could come up with something to draw everyone’s attention. Forming a a nuclear bomb, the band plays “99 Luftballoons” [Band forms bomb on the field, plays “99 Luftballoons”,then the bomb explodes as the band yells ‘boom!’] On behalf of Student Conductor Matt “Pastries always give consent” Rich, Head Manager Christina “Doesn’t Even Make Sense” Farah, Drum Major Alan “This nickname does not have anything to do with being too tall-HEY LOOK A BUNNY” Barnes, and President Greg “Drinking makes me cry” Snyder, I’m Sam “For the love of god, put it back on!” Leachman, signing off.