2007 Pregames

Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman ’09

9/15/2007 — Lehigh

Fighting for apathy, it’s the Princeton University Band!!! [Band scrambles on] Lehigh, we need to talk. We were hoping one of your closer friends in the patriot league would say something, but it’s been twelve years now and someone has got to tell you: Changing your mascot from the engineers to the mountain hawks was dumb. I mean, we understand maybe wanting to get away from your railroad roots, but doesn’t ‘mountain hawks’ seem like kind of a big jump? I mean, the mountain hawk isn’t even a real animal. Maybe you should have started with something a little closer to home, like say:
  • The ORFE’s
  • The Stokers
  • or the Fighting Jesuses from Bethlehem?
But if you insist on having a fictional animal as your mascot, we have a few suggestions that might be a little fiercer-sounding than the mountain hawks. Perhaps:
  • The Gryphons
  • The Sasquatches
  • The Loraxes
  • The Hippopotami
  • The Chupacabras
  • or even the Ligers
However, we don’t really expect you to take our advice, so forming an ‘L’ for ‘lame mascot’, the band plays “O’ little town of Bethlehem” [Band plays “O’ Little Town of Bethlehem”] And now: Opening Exercises Tiger’s Roar Scavenger Hunt Pre-rade Reflections on diversity Outdoor action Arch-sing Honor committee Departmental open houses Tiger nite Activities fair Sex on a DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!! [Band plays Going Back]

9/23/2007 — Lafayette

The band was not allowed to perform a pregame show at Lafayette this year.

9/29/2007 — Columbia

Honoring legendary mime Marcel Marceau, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches out silently, miming Cannon] Recently, Senator Hillary Clinton proposed that all newborns be given $5000 dollars. We couldn’t help but wonder, what are they going to spend it on? Will it be:
  • gold-plated pacifiers
  • 4 tons of imported pureed banana mush
  • Armani diapers
  • Rolls-royce strollers
  • More of those delicious lead-paint chips
  • A diamond rattle
  • A king-size, four-post crib
  • A Roth IRA with a reasonable rate of return and flexible withdrawal conditions
In response to Clinton’s proposals, a representative from the American Association of Neo-natal People issued the following statement: *make some babyish burbling noises in the microphone* Forming a lowercase ‘c’ for Clinton’s inept social policy, the band plays ‘Roar Lion, Roar’! [Band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”] And now, Defenestrated Deliberated Degenerative Digital Dodecahedral Dogmatic Dirigible Darwinian Dilapidated Deranged Devious Demonic Despicable Dark Dastardly Delicate Dactylic Dichotomous Double Double ROTATING P!!!! [Band plays Going Back] Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem] Run away band, it’s time to give new meaning to the phrase ‘cradle-robbing’!

10/06/2007 — Hampton

And now, under the the direction of Al Frente ’69 PhD Doctor of Bandology, it’s the Princeton University Band! With track star Marion Jones’ recent admissions of steroid usage, the problems of doping are more than ever in the public eye. Responding to increased concern, the Ivy League has decided to be proactive and institute new standards which exceed existing NCAA regulations. As a result, there will be increased scrutiny on all sorts of groups on campus, except, of course, sprint football, because, c’mon, really. The impacts of these new rules have already been felt by the campus community.
  • Terrace Club’s intramurals teams have been declared ineligible to a man.
  • The DARPA car has been suspended from the competition for using performance-enhancing fuels.
  • The USG was caught using THC, PCP, LSD and HPV
Of course, the group that has been hardest hit has been the band, which is why we only have 50 members today instead of our usual 300. Unfortunately, this means our plans to spell out a script Hampton on the field will have to be reduced somewhat. Forming a small ‘h’, the band plays “He’s a Pirate!” [Band forms an ‘h’, plays “He’s a Pirate”] And now… Red Roof Inn Motel 6 Holiday Inn La Quinta Embassy Suites Comfort Inn Hilton Courtyard by Marriot Best Western Sheraton Extended Stay America Super 8 Days Inn Westin Doubletree Hampton Inn and now offering hourly rates, it’s the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P! [Band plays Going Back] Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem] Run away band, before the ‘roid rage kicks in!

10/13/2007 — Brown

Announcer: Knock, knock! Band: Who’s there? Announcer: It’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles onto field] This past Monday was Columbus Day. Being hardworking and studious, we didn’t get the day off. But those other 7 lesser schools in the Ivy League managed to find other uses for their holiday.
  • Harvard had a quilting bee
  • Dartmouth set out on a voyage to find civilization
  • Columbia, not wanting to support a divisive, militaristic figure with no regard for human rights, decided to let the day pass unmarked
  • Cornell didn’t get the day off. Those cows need milking every morning.
  • Yale sucked a little less
  • Penn was surprised to find themselves on this list
  • Brown did the same thing they do every day
Forming a ‘b’ for blunt humor, the band plays “The Brown Cheering Song”. [Band plays “Brown Cheering Song”] And now… Marco Polo Vasco da Gama Hernan Cortes Francisco Pizarr o Henry Hudson Ferdinand Magellan Meriwether Lewis Amerigo Vespucci Captain Cook Captain Crunch Roald Amundsen Phillip the Navigator Leif Erikson Commodore Perry Juan Valdez Hernando de Soto and Juan Ponce de DOBLE DOBLE ROTATING P! [Band plays Going Back]

10/20/2007 — Harvard

The announcer for this game was Mark Cerqueira ’10. Debasing the city on a hill, it’s the PUB! [Band scrambles on] This year marks John Harvard’s 400th birthday. Now, alot can change in 4 centuries, and we though it might bring some interesting perspective to consider what things the old boy would notice if he were still around today.
  • Harvard still hasn’t figured out what exactly a crimson is
  • Now, 90% of the students graduate with honors, while in John’s time, 90% graduated with smallpox
  • Harvard does not have E.D., which is impressive for a 400-year-old institution
  • The Big Dig is still not done
  • Harvard used to have no women, while now they have ugly women
  • Their endowment has gotten bigger, but they still have no idea how to use it
Forming an ‘h’ for ‘Happy Birthday John Harvard’, the band plays “Harvardiana” [Band forms an ‘h’, plays “Harvardiana”] And now… Skateboarding stegosaurs Vacillating velociraptors Cavorting chasmosaurs Hypnotic hypsilophodonts Preaching pachycephalosaurs Icky icthyosaurs Snuggly Snufulagus Agitating archeopteryx Tangoing tyrannosaurs Lackadaisical liopluridons Tiptoeing triceratops Masticating maiasaurs and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P! [Band plays Going Back] Get off the field, band; we’re going to candy mountain!

10/26/2007 — Cornell

Llllllllet’s get ready to rummmmble! It’s the Princeton University Band! Today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. She may be one of the most powerful women in the world, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t take some time off to celebrate. Here are some of the ways she decided to spend her special day:
  • She went and bought new drapes for the oval office
  • “Smoked a cigar”
  • Took 60 shots then planned her attack on Iran
  • Went to Chuck E Cheese
  • TP’d Barack Obama’s house
  • Streaked across the front lawn of the white house
Forming a ‘c’ for ‘See Hillary Run’, the Band plays “Send My Regards to Davy” [Band plays Davy] And now… Yeti, Permafrost, Penguin, Inuit, Baby seal, Tundra, Reindeer, Frostbite, Caribou, Moose, and squirrel, Glacier, Iceberg, Deranged, Igloo, Polar bear, Aurora borealis, Iditarod, Hillary Clinton, Ithaca, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P! [Going Back] Please rise for the national anthem. [National Anthem] In Soviet Russia, field runs away from Band!

11/03/2007 — Penn

Not specifically prohibited by the Geneva Convention, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles on] A recent survey by travel and leisure magazine named Philadelphia as one of the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly cities in the US. This seemed a little harsh to us, since we know Philadelphia has many outstanding characteristics.
  • It was prominently featured in Rocky IV
  • It has many examples of beautiful graffiti
  • It boasts the highest nationwide rate of brotherly love, except for San Francisco
  • The Delaware river is one of the most beautiful open sewers in America
  • It’s way better than Camden
  • It has an ample supply of gentlemen’s clubs
  • It has the most liberty bells of any city
  • It has the second-most Ivy-league schools of any city in Pennsylvania, after Pittsburgh
Forming a ‘p’ for Pittsburgh, the band plays “Fight Fight Fight!” [Band forms ‘p’, plays “Fight Fight Fight”] And now… Spanish donkey Iron maiden The rack Waterboarding Chinese-water torture Thumb screws Barbara Streisand Crucifixion Pillory Violin of shame Sleep deprivation Disembowelment Drawing and quartering Keel-hauling Squassation Living in philadelphia Rat excitation And the double-double-rotating P! [Band forms P, plays Going Back] Run away band, here comes another form of torture!

11/10/2007 — Yale

So, our writers are on strike. I’m just going to have to wing this one. Walking out onto the field holding instruments, it’s the Princeton University Band! Let’s see, what happened this week? That deranged guy Ron Paul raised a bunch of money. What exactly is Ron Paul campaigning on that’s getting him all of this money?
  • Pulling the US out of the UN, NATO, and North America
  • Lowering the drinking age to 8
  • Getting rid of property tax, income tax, sales tax and thumb tacks
  • Privatizing congress
  • Constitutional amendment allowing marriage between men and turtles
  • Returning the U.S. to the dirt standard
  • Turning the white house into a brothel
  • Securing our borders…with New Haven
Forming a lambda for losing the primary, the band plays “Bulldog, Bulldog, Bow Wow Wow” [Band forms lambda, plays BBBWW] And now… Eugene V. Debs Barry Goldwater Dennis Kucinich Dizzy Gillespie George McGover n Henry Clay Al Sharpton Donald Trump Cybil Shepherd Ralph Nader Ross Perot Mike Dukakis John C Calhoun Pat Buchanan Stephen Colbert David Duke Alexei Vayner Mike Huckabee Martin Sheen Rob Biederman Tommy Thompson Mike Gravel And the double, double ROTATING P [Band plays Going Back] [Moment of silence] [National Anthem] My name is the Princeton University Band, and I approved this message. [Run away]

11/17/2007 — Dartmouth

Danananananana Greg Snyder, It’s the Princeton University Band! We’d like to dedicate this pregame to our esteemed President, Gregory Frantz Snyder. Greg began his life as a 49-year old chain-smoking, out of work steel foreman in Allentown, Pennsylvania. However, an encounter with a quantum singularity simultaneously made him 31 years younger and sparked a lifelong interest in cosmology. He was then recruited by Princeton to be a sexual health adviser, a job at which he excelled thanks to his extensive experience with the only 100% reliable method of contraception. Desperately searching for something to bang, he joined the Princeton Band as a drummer. He quickly ingratiated himself with the ruling elite by virtue of his immaculate coiffure and commanding stern look. He then staged a coup with the popular support of the band after promising to return to them the pants that were so wrongly taken away. However, he quickly reneged on his promises, and he has no idea that we’re planning to assassinate him after this show. Sssshhhh…don’t tell him. Forming a ‘d’ for ‘booze?’ the band plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By” [Band forms ‘d’ which turns to ‘b’, plays ATBGTB] And now… Grasshopper, Fuzzy Navel, Mint Julep, Appletini, Alabama Slammer, White Russian, Tequila Sunset, Pink gin, Gin rickey, Scotchy scotch, Manhattan, Cosmopolitan, Screwdriver, Old-fashioned, Deranged, Bloody Mary, Mai Tai, Mojito, Sangria, Martini, Sea Breeze, Sex on the Beach, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING ANDRE BOTTLES!!! [Band forms bottles, plays Going Back] Run away Band, I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year…and so are the mangoes. [Band fleshpiles Greg]