Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman ’09
9/15/2007 — LehighFighting for apathy, it’s the Princeton University Band!!! [Band scrambles on] Lehigh, we need to talk. We were hoping one of your closer friends in the patriot league would say something, but it’s been twelve years now and someone has got to tell you: Changing your mascot from the engineers to the mountain hawks was dumb. I mean, we understand maybe wanting to get away from your railroad roots, but doesn’t ‘mountain hawks’ seem like kind of a big jump? I mean, the mountain hawk isn’t even a real animal. Maybe you should have started with something a little closer to home, like say:
- The ORFE’s
- The Stokers
- or the Fighting Jesuses from Bethlehem?
- The Gryphons
- The Sasquatches
- The Loraxes
- The Hippopotami
- The Chupacabras
- or even the Ligers
9/23/2007 — LafayetteThe band was not allowed to perform a pregame show at Lafayette this year.
9/29/2007 — ColumbiaHonoring legendary mime Marcel Marceau, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches out silently, miming Cannon] Recently, Senator Hillary Clinton proposed that all newborns be given $5000 dollars. We couldn’t help but wonder, what are they going to spend it on? Will it be:
- gold-plated pacifiers
- 4 tons of imported pureed banana mush
- Armani diapers
- Rolls-royce strollers
- More of those delicious lead-paint chips
- A diamond rattle
- A king-size, four-post crib
- A Roth IRA with a reasonable rate of return and flexible withdrawal conditions
10/06/2007 — HamptonAnd now, under the the direction of Al Frente ’69 PhD Doctor of Bandology, it’s the Princeton University Band! With track star Marion Jones’ recent admissions of steroid usage, the problems of doping are more than ever in the public eye. Responding to increased concern, the Ivy League has decided to be proactive and institute new standards which exceed existing NCAA regulations. As a result, there will be increased scrutiny on all sorts of groups on campus, except, of course, sprint football, because, c’mon, really. The impacts of these new rules have already been felt by the campus community.
- Terrace Club’s intramurals teams have been declared ineligible to a man.
- The DARPA car has been suspended from the competition for using performance-enhancing fuels.
- The USG was caught using THC, PCP, LSD and HPV
10/13/2007 — BrownAnnouncer: Knock, knock! Band: Who’s there? Announcer: It’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles onto field] This past Monday was Columbus Day. Being hardworking and studious, we didn’t get the day off. But those other 7 lesser schools in the Ivy League managed to find other uses for their holiday.
- Harvard had a quilting bee
- Dartmouth set out on a voyage to find civilization
- Columbia, not wanting to support a divisive, militaristic figure with no regard for human rights, decided to let the day pass unmarked
- Cornell didn’t get the day off. Those cows need milking every morning.
- Yale sucked a little less
- Penn was surprised to find themselves on this list
- Brown did the same thing they do every day
10/20/2007 — HarvardThe announcer for this game was Mark Cerqueira ’10. Debasing the city on a hill, it’s the PUB! [Band scrambles on] This year marks John Harvard’s 400th birthday. Now, alot can change in 4 centuries, and we though it might bring some interesting perspective to consider what things the old boy would notice if he were still around today.
- Harvard still hasn’t figured out what exactly a crimson is
- Now, 90% of the students graduate with honors, while in John’s time, 90% graduated with smallpox
- Harvard does not have E.D., which is impressive for a 400-year-old institution
- The Big Dig is still not done
- Harvard used to have no women, while now they have ugly women
- Their endowment has gotten bigger, but they still have no idea how to use it
10/26/2007 — CornellLlllllllet’s get ready to rummmmble! It’s the Princeton University Band! Today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. She may be one of the most powerful women in the world, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t take some time off to celebrate. Here are some of the ways she decided to spend her special day:
- She went and bought new drapes for the oval office
- “Smoked a cigar”
- Took 60 shots then planned her attack on Iran
- Went to Chuck E Cheese
- TP’d Barack Obama’s house
- Streaked across the front lawn of the white house
11/03/2007 — PennNot specifically prohibited by the Geneva Convention, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles on] A recent survey by travel and leisure magazine named Philadelphia as one of the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly cities in the US. This seemed a little harsh to us, since we know Philadelphia has many outstanding characteristics.
- It was prominently featured in Rocky IV
- It has many examples of beautiful graffiti
- It boasts the highest nationwide rate of brotherly love, except for San Francisco
- The Delaware river is one of the most beautiful open sewers in America
- It’s way better than Camden
- It has an ample supply of gentlemen’s clubs
- It has the most liberty bells of any city
- It has the second-most Ivy-league schools of any city in Pennsylvania, after Pittsburgh
11/10/2007 — YaleSo, our writers are on strike. I’m just going to have to wing this one. Walking out onto the field holding instruments, it’s the Princeton University Band! Let’s see, what happened this week? That deranged guy Ron Paul raised a bunch of money. What exactly is Ron Paul campaigning on that’s getting him all of this money?
- Pulling the US out of the UN, NATO, and North America
- Lowering the drinking age to 8
- Getting rid of property tax, income tax, sales tax and thumb tacks
- Privatizing congress
- Constitutional amendment allowing marriage between men and turtles
- Returning the U.S. to the dirt standard
- Turning the white house into a brothel
- Securing our borders…with New Haven