2008

Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman ’09

9/20/2008 — The Citadel

Don’t ask, don’t tell, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches on to the field playing “Princeton Forward March”] Upon receiving word that The Citadel would permit us to perform a halftime show, the band was shocked by your extraordinary showing of “Southern Hospitality”. We were baffled by your decision to allow us on campus for a number of reasons. Here are a few of the “rave reviews” we’ve received for our irreverent antics:
  • The Cornell Athletics department has stated that our shows are “Inane and irrelevant, and do not contribute to a football atmosphere.”
  • Librarians at Harvard pointedly asked us “Everybody hates you, why don’t you just leave?”
Of course, a couple of comments from Universities like Harvard and Cornell can’t be taken seriously. However, there are some things we’ve done during our time in Charleston that we’re sure you just won’t tolerate:
  • We know you’re used to waking up at 6 AM to the sound of Reveille, but you definitely didn’t like being kept up until 6 AM by the sounds of our revelry.
  • We replaced your drill rifles with Nerf guns.
  • We scuffed up ALL your boots.
  • We introduced your pipe band to a new kind of pipe.
  • And now we’re going to Double-Double Rotating P on your field!
[Band forms Double-Double Rotating P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”] The recent selection of Sarah Palin and Joe Biden as Vice Presidential Candidates presents us with what seems like the two dullest candidates possible. However, the Band did some research, and we discovered some unsettling facts about the candidates. Here are some things you may not know about Joe Biden:
  • He is the first female to be nominated for the Vice Presidency.
  • Joe Biden and Hilary actually played rock-paper-scissors for the Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidacy. Hilary threw rock. Joe Biden threw rock… with foreign policy experience.
  • Joe Biden lives in a glass house, and throws… nude parties.
Sarah Palin is not free of eccentricities, either. For example,
  • She started a 24-hour Yeti Patrol in Wasilla
  • Trig’s niece will be named “Cosine”
  • In addition to ex-Governor Murkowski’s private jet, Sarah also attempted to sell 2 Aleutian Islands on eBay
  • Like her running mate John McCain, Sarah also spent time in a POW camp, held against her will by a tribe of armored polar bears
  • Sarah was a runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant; she was later awarded the title when it was revealed that the winner was a walrus
  • When Sarah’s water broke, it was so cold that the doctor asked her if she wanted her ice cubed, crushed, or in slivers
  • Sarah supports drilling in Anwar, but it must be preceded by marriage
Forming an oil drilling station, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'” Forming an amniotic ice chipper, the Band plays “Freeze Frame” [Band forms ice chipper, plays Freeze Frame] While wandering through your campus today, we couldn’t help but notice a few glaring differences between our schools. For example,
  • At The Citadel, a tour involves one hour of forced marching; at Princeton, it involves enjoying beverages at every eating club.
  • Princeton and The Citadel are both in the United States — but only one of them by choice
  • At The Citadel, camouflage is Tiger Stripe, Leaf, and Choco-chip; at Princeton, camouflage is Argyle, Plaid, and Seersucker
  • Your targets are silhouettes; ours are places we buy our shower caddies
  • Princeton’s Armory was bulldozed to make way for a chemistry library; The Citadel’s was bulldozed to make way for Sherman
  • At Princeton, we study abroad to learn a foreign language and experience a new culture; at The Citadel, you study a broad because you rarely see one on campus
  • You have a mascot named Boo V; we do not have a mascot named Boo V.
Saluting Boos I, II, and IV (but not III — he was a bad dog), the band plays “241.” [Band forms V on the field, plays “241”] Run away Band, it’s General Sherman, and he’s headed out to sea! Run away band, the crowd didn’t think this show was funny!

9/27/2008 — Lehigh

Crashing onto the field like Lehman Brothers stock, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches on to the field playing “Princeton Forward March”] With the economy plummeting towards rock bottom, the Princeton student’s way of life is threatened with extinction. Of course, a few of our habits can be changed to alleviate this problem. Some things that Princeton students are doing to save money are:
  • Booking a flight to Tijuana instead of Cancun for Spring Break
  • Wearing their polo shirts twice before throwing them out
  • Using $100 bills as toilet paper instead of $1,000 bills
  • Replacing the Goldschlager in our bars with “post-consumer recycled aluminum”-schlager
  • Eschewing a job in public service for a more lucrative job in investment banking
  • The USG has done away with the plan of a “Great Gatsby” party in Forbes with a “Grapes of Wrath” party in Butler
  • Stealing from Labyrinth and giving to the U-store
Forming economic collapse, the Band salutes the reallocation of wealth and plays “Robin Hood.” Band forms economic collapse, plays “Robin Hood”] After two weeks of classes, the Princeton Freshman is expected to have found his or her niche already. If you’re a freshman and not interested in Varsity sports or a capella groups, you may want to try Princeton’s other, less intensive Club Sports, such as:
  • The Forbes – E-quad Marathon
  • Bumper Golf Carts
  • Lake Carnegie Scuba Diving
  • The Prospect Decathlon
  • Capture the Laundry Machine
  • Alexander Beach EXTREME Tanning
  • Strip World of Warcraft
  • 2-hand touch Bicker
  • The Prox Hi-jump
  • The Pre-med Triathlon: Studying, studying, and CONTACT STUDYING
  • Or you can always play “Hide the Fire Violation”
Remember, Fire Safety lasts a lifetime. Of course, Fire UN-safety lasts a lifetime as well, just a shorter, more painful one. Forming a sheet to hide your fire violation under, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire.” [Band forms a sheet, plays “Great Balls of Fire”] Run away, Band, it’s Dean Malkiel and she wants to play Quintile Roulette!

10/04/2008 — Columbia

Still facing legal action, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches out, playing Princeton Forward March] With Wall Street almost reduced to smoldering rubble and both the Mets and the Yankees eliminated from the MLB playoffs, it’s looking pretty bleak in New York nowadays. New Yorkers must have done something to incur the wrath of the gods. Was it:
  • Shutting down Coney Island to make way for more condos?
  • Creating Manhattan clam chowder?
  • Laughing at jokes in King of Queens?
  • Misunderstanding King Kong?
  • Sashaying down the Avenue of Remembrance?
  • Tearing down slums in Harlem in favor of building Ivy League sports stadiums?
  • Putting a French Maid costume on the Statue of Liberty?
  • Skipping church on Sunday to watch Brett Favre’s debut?
  • Changing public opinion on Spiderman so often?
  • Or was it that investment bankers began reneging on their Faustian bargains?
Forming the angry hand of God smiting New York, the Band feels pity for I-Bankers, and joins them in singing the “Wall Street Blues.” [Band forms the Hand of God,, plays “Basin St. Blues”] Recently, Columbia received the grade of A- from the Sustainable Endowments Institute for its efforts towards making their campus more environmentally friendly. However, the Band did some digging around and found a few things that Columbia has been doing to inflate their sustainability grades:
  • Watching TV by candlelight
  • Rerouting sewage to NYU
  • Recycling 6-pack holders as trendy sea otter necklaces
  • To save paper, diplomas are now being printed on recycled Chinese take-out menus
  • They disbanded the Columbia Tree Burning Club
  • In an effort to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, freshmen must hold their breath every 8th minute
  • All showers are being replaced with baths in the East River
  • To completely eradicate all pollution, Columbia gave students a semester-long Earth Day vacation
Urging Columbia students to remain on hiatus for Earth Year, the band forms a tree and plays “Holiday.” [Band forms a tree, plays “Holiday”] Drive your Hummers away… no… run away, Band!

10/18/2008 — Brown

Hi, Mom!! It’s the Princeton University Band!! With special guest stars, the Tree Street Twirlers!! [Band marches onto the field, playing Princeton Forward March] Recently, President Shirley Tilghman became a founding trustee of the King Abdullah University of Science and Technology in Saudi Arabia. While there, President Tilghman developed some policies that she is now planning to enact on Princeton’s campus. For example:
  • All students will be required to make a pilgrimage to Forbes
  • Lake Carnegie will be outfitted with oil-drilling platforms
  • It will now be illegal to drink alcohol on campus
  • The NES program will be upgraded to the Super NES program
  • Waffle bars will be replaced with falafel bars
  • Anatomy and physiology classes will now be taught with colorful, tessellating patterns instead of images of humans
  • Public Safety’s Segways will be replaced with magic carpets
  • Instead of relying on alumni donations for additional funding, all mysterious lamps will be purchased and then thoroughly rubbed
Saluting the new funding plan, the Band forms a magic lamp and plays “Friend Like Me.” [Band forms Magic Lamp, plays “Friend Like Me”] One night, while the band was searching for a special midnight rendezvous, we stumbled across a personal ad taken out by an entity described only as “Brown University”. Some of the more interesting bits of information in the personal were:
  • Age: 244, but 219 at heart
  • Height: High
  • Eyes: Bloodshot
  • Seeking: Males and Females ages 18-22. Must have an open, inquisitive mind with special interest in baking, horticulture, and hydroponics. Please, no smokers. Just kidding!
  • Standards: Will not deny anyone. Really! I’m desperate!
  • Ideal First Date: Going to a Grateful dead concert, staring deep into each others’ hands, then taking a short walk across the state
  • Me: Compensates for a small endowment with lots of personality
  • You: Don’t worry about being a perfect 4.0, my standards are more of a Pass-Fail sort of scale
Forming a telephone, the band reminds Brown that if no one answers your ad, you can always “Call Me.” Band forms telephone, plays “Call Me.” Run away, Band! The Brown Band wants a second date!

10/25/2008 — Hahvahd

First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest, it’s the Princeton University Band!! Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March] A few months ago, US News and World Report issued another installment of their College Rankings. At first, we thought that Harvard bought every copy of US News and World Report and whited out the 2 next to their name. Of course, when we looked at Harvard’s statistical report, we quickly found the reason why they were ranked #1 this year: they cheated in a number of ways. For example, they:
  • Increased their student happiness index by allowing students to legally possess more than 2 ounces of tweed
  • Boosted their endowment by accepting a sponsorship from Pfizer
  • Raised the average GPA by outsourcing all test-taking to MIT
  • Drastically reduced the average class size by only counting socially apt students
  • Inflated their colleague rating to a 4.3 by telling their rankers that the scale now goes up to 10
  • Decreased the student- professor ratio by tenuring the hobos in Harvard Yard
  • Doubled the size of their library by buying ANOTHER copy of the Harry Potter book series
  • Improved the graduation rate by now offering to sell diplomas up front instead of on the 4 year installment plan
  • Upgraded their mascot status from “imaginary” to “semi-fantastic” by changing their previous Crimson to the new, “MAGIC RED ZEBRA”
Be careful with that new mascot of yours, Hahvahd, if you’re not careful, they might get out. If that happens, they’ll certainly… [Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”] Flashers: MAGIC RED ZEBRA Anagrams to: RAZE CAMBRIDGE Flips to reveal: OLD NASSAU IS #1 Run away, Band! The Homecoming Queen is coming!

11/07/2008 — Penn

Holding out for an appointment to the office of Secretary of Defense, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band marches out playing Princeton Forward] With the election decided on Tuesday and Barack Obama emerging as the winner, we’ve finally seen the end of a long, hard road to the presidency. However, the campaign for 2012 is looking like it will be even more long-winded, as many candidates have already began to face controversy in their bid for their party’s nomination. For example:
  • Amy Gutmann has declared that she will be running under the Know-Nothing party. However, it has recently been revealed that she knows at least 2 things.
  • Paris Hilton will run for the Pink Party nomination, but because she’ll only be 31, she will be forced to accept a seat in the Senate.
  • Chuck Norris has already began to run his daunting “Roundhouse Kicks Across America” campaign
  • Lucky the Leprechaun was going to throw his hat into the ring when it was revealed that he was born in Ireland. Count Chocula is now the lead candidate.
  • Tom Cruise will run on a platform promising liberation from the clutches of Xenu
  • Martha Stewart will run to change the White House into the Ivory House… And to pardon herself at the end of her term
  • The Green Party will be trying to put yet another Bush in the White House. A nice azalea, in fact…
And of course, Sarah Palin will be running again, this time for the top spot. Forming a magazine, the Band suggests a new type of campaign ad and plays “Centerfold”. [Band forms magazine, plays “Centerfold”] Recently, the Philadelphia Phillies have won the World Series, and Philadelphia has erupted in celebration. Envious of the Philadelphia parade, other cities across the world have started having parades of their own to boost morale and productivity. For example, parades are being thrown to celebrate momentous events such as:
  • Detroit celebrates 14 consecutive minutes without a mugging
  • Washington, D.C. will honor the great new politicians coming in, such as New Mexico’s Martin Heinrich
  • New York will commemorate their new $700 billion bonus package
  • Charleston, South Carolina celebrates the end of Reconstruction from the battle of the Avenue of Remembrance
  • Tehran will celebrate the election of the first Muslim U.S. President Barack Obama
  • Paris will celebrate the first time that half their residents have taken a shower within 2 days
  • Beijing celebrates Olympic gold medal gymnast He Kexin’s 12th birthday
  • Wasila, Alaska will celebrate getting back their wonderful governor, Sarah Palin
However, while the parades of the other cities are entirely joyful, the parade in Philadelphia is held with heavy hearts, as residents know that the University of Pennsylvania still plagues them. Forming the continued existence of UPenn, the Band plays “Darn it” [Band forms Penn crest, plays “Dammit”] Will the owner of the orange plaid van please report to the parking lot? Your van is being towed.

11/15/2008 — Yale

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. It’s the PUB!! [Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March] With less than 2 months left in George Bush’s final term, he’s begun to look toward life after the oval office. His job hunt is on, and he’s got his eye on becoming a professor at Yale. Classes he’s offered to teach include:
  • Gastronomics 204: Chewing Salty Snacks Thoroughly
  • Architecture 238: The Great Wall of America
  • Creative Statistics 364: Turning the chance of WMDs in Iraq from 1 % into 101%
  • Anatomy 108: Skulls and Bones
  • Gender Studies 416: Why Bush is always controlled by Dick… Cheney
  • Linguistics Eleventy Oh One: The etymology of strategery and misunderestimation
  • Computer Science 312: Exploiting weaknesses in Voting Machines
  • Film Studies 398: Home Alone I-III: No Child Left Behind
  • Art 207: Sketching Nude Ex-presidents
  • And of course: Topics in Experimental History: Reliving the Great Depression.
Saluting President Bush’s forays into the world of education, the band turns back the clock and plays “Back to the Future” [Band forms clock, plays “Back to the Future”] So recently, Peru has hinted at suing Yale for stealing ancient Incan artifacts. However, Yale’s dastardly thievery does not end there. They’ve been responsible for the theft of some other things, though. For example:
  • Yale has stolen casino games from Las Vegas
  • Yale stole the dignity of countless undergraduate students
  • Yale stole a great Architectural Wonder from China… oh wait, that was Carmen Sandiego
  • Yale has stolen thousands of students from Princeton’s wait list
  • One thing is for sure, though, Yale has definitely stolen our hearts. And by hearts, I mean kidneys.
Forming a pair of kidneys, the Band looks at all of Yale’s purloined property and says: “I Want You Back” [Band forms kidneys, plays “I Want You Back”] While walking around your campus today, we found among the piles of refuse a travel brochure for New Haven. Our announcer will now read this brochure. However, we’ve just injected him with a truth serum. Stand back and witness the hilarious results. Looking for a great vacation? Come to beautiful… uh, pretty nice… uh, a’ight New Haven! Located in the Northeastern US, New Haven has more sunny days than South Florida… ummm… cleaner air than L.A.? More hobos per square mile than Boston! New Haven is also home to a top-tier University… I mean… a good bargain college… Uhhh… A great community college! New haven has a vibrant downtown area with several Zagat-rated restaurants… I mean… a knock-off Applebee’s… A bloated whale carcass in the center of town! Showcasing New Haven’t local hotspot, the Band forms a flaming barrel of trash and says “That’s the Impression That I Get” [Band forms flaming trash can, plays “Impression that I Get”] Run away, Band, while you still have your valuables.

11/22/2008 — Dartmouth

Looking forward to the stuffing of their lives, it’s the Princeton University Band!! [Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March] Recently Dartmouth student Vanessa Sievers was elected Treasurer for Grafton Country in New Hampshire. Upon discovering that treasure was not actually included in the job, she immediately decided to begin embezzling funds into the Dartmouth endowment. With this newly acquired cash, Dartmouth has spent money on a slew of things to improve campus life. For example, they:
  • Bought 100 furbies to help teach international students how to speak English
  • Bought Swarovsky crystal cups to play Beer Pong with
  • Paid to lobby Congress for a bill declaring 6 PM EST “Drinking Time”
  • Paid to move Dartmouth from Hanover to somewhere less remote, like Ithaca
  • Finally fixed that embarrassing typo on the sign outside that says “Dartmouth Collage”
  • Bought the more advanced 64 crayon pack so they now are the Dartmouth Big Granny Smith Apple
  • Upgraded the Dartmouth Yale Enthusiasts to the Dartmouth Princeton Enthusiasts
  • They bought the central part of Vermont, turning the state into a giant D
Forming a giant D, the band salutes the average Dartmouth student’s grade point average and plays “Under the C.” [Band forms big D, plays “Under the Sea”] With Thanksgiving coming up shortly, it is time for reflection upon the good things in our lives. The Band looks around and sees that many Princetonian academic departments are getting into the holiday spirit. For example:
  • The Chemistry department is thankful that nobody drank liquid Nitrogen this summer… oh, wait…
  • The Sociology department is thankful that one of their students actually got a real job: First Lady
  • The Woodrow Wilson school is thankful for the low price of oil, so all its tools don’t get rusty
  • The Music department is thankful for bartending courses so its graduates have employable skills
  • The German department is thankful that it has annexed the Slavic languages, French and Italian departments
  • The Mole Bio department is thankful that it has now included stoats and voles in its program
  • The COS department is thankful that the segFault under the COS building has not led to any segQuakes
  • And of course, the Near Eastern Studies department is thankful for Turkey… and the United Arab Emirates
Forming Turkey, the band salutes Thanksgiving and plays “Birdland.” [Band forms Turkey, plays Birdland] (Sam’s signoff lines)