2009

 

Our announcer for the year is Alec Slatky ’12

9/19/2009 — The Citadel

Yo football team, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Princeton has one of the best bands of ALL TIME – it’s the Princeton University Band! Dear Citadel: Hi. How’s it going? Did you catch the Pats game last week? You know, enough with the chit-chat. Why haven’t you called? We got off to such a great start when we met in Charleston last year. You expected us to be cold and distant northerners, but we surprised you by being quite flaming some of us surprised you by being flaming liberals. You gave us permission to explore you at our leisure, but then you overwhelmed us in your passionate embrace. Things got rough; hats were ruined, bodily fluids instruments were flying everywhere. And somewhere in the middle of it all, life happened. We grew apart. We’re sorry. Really, it was all our fault. But we miss you. We want you back in our lives, so we tried to figure out what we should have done differently where it all went wrong:
  • We should have chosen a different weekend for our annual Dress-Like-Sherman’s-Army Day.
  • We shouldn’t have interrupted your Field Day. Now we’ll never know who won your Egg and Spoon Race: Team George Bush, or Team George W. Bush.
  • We should have avoided your Avenue of Remembrance, and marched down your Avenue of Amnesia. You know, commemorating that one war?
  • We should have observed your Cadet Honor Code of not lying, cheating, or stealing
  • We shouldn’t have stolen the plaque inscribed with your Cadet Honor Code
  • We shouldn’t have scrambled around your campus.
  • We should have gone over easy! Egg joke!
  • We shouldn’t have jested about your beloved bulldog mascot, Boo Five.
  • We should have asked you to refrain from vigorously shouting his name during our halftime show
  • We shouldn’t have debauched the likeness of Santa Claus on the field.
  • We should have gone with a more non-denominational figure, like Captain Frost-o, the Holiday Demigod.
You know, we probably just shouldn’t have come at all. Just like your band didn’t come today! Forming regrets, the band wishes it could go back in time to correct its mistakes make things right and plays “Time Warp.” [The band forms a frowny-face with a slowly descending tear] Speaking of the Citadel band not being here: hey, we have some extra halftime to kill! The band fills the extra time by playing a game of Capture the Flag that is in no way symbolic. (The band plays capture the flag with large grey and blue flags (on the south and north sides of the field, respectively)) How un-allegorical. But honestly, to avoid any potential controversy, we wanted to make our show less offensive this time around, so we did some research about what the good people of South Carolina enjoy. Things like:
  • The Allman Brothers Band
  • Taking Stephen Colbert literally
  • Grits
  • Planting palmetto trees next to tiny moons
  • Health care for illegal immigrants… (two-second pause) I LIE!
  • Puppies!
  • The right to choose… CHARLESTON Chews
  • Long walks on the beach
  • Long walks on the Appalachian Trail
Isn’t that right, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? We understand your mistake: “Appalachian Trail” and “Affair with Argentinean journalist” definitely start with the same letter. Our maybe you were just trying to be hip—after all, South America is totally the new Deep South. Whatever the reason for your fibbing, we discovered there’s quite a glorious history of little white lies perpetrated by famous natives of South Carolina:
  • Though Andrew Jackson claimed to have fought over a dozen duels for his wife’s honor, at least four of them originated from people called him “Andrew Jerkson”
  • Soul singer James Brown was known to sing his hit song “I Feel Good” EVEN WHEN HE WAS JUST FEELING OKAY.
  • Baseball great “Shoeless Joe” Jackson just wore shoes that looked like feet.
  • On his album “Oop Pop a Da,” jazz musician Dizzy Gillepsie claimed “skibbity-bop-boo,” although everybody knows that “skibbity-bop-doo-wop.”
  • Senator and former Governor Strom Thurmond routinely lied about his age at Washington D.C. petting zoos to get free children’s pony rides.
Because we can’t say “neigh” to the offer of a gratuitous gallop, a cut-rate canter, or a tax-exempt trot, the band forms a pony bribe and plays “Free Ride.” (The band forms pony bribe.) Forget it, band. It’s Charlestown. Note: The last part of this joke, everything below “Long walks on the Appalachian Trail,” was originally very different: it about sexin’ up horses! While this part of the joke (reproduced below) did make it past our censors, we ultimately decided to self-censor it as the only reasonably objectionable/offensive thing left in the show. We would have gladly used this bit in any other show, but in the spirit of gentlemanship we pulled it and replaced it with what you see above. It hurt to cut those formation and come-off lines, though. And so, CITADEL SHOW ALTERNATE ENDING: And then this other article about a South Carolina man caught our collective eye. Now, Princeton has a very active Equestrian Center, so we know a thing or two about loving horses. But a certain South Carolinan takes horse loving to a whole new level. Roddell Vareen was arrested this week for the charge of “buggering” with a local horse named Sugar. But no need for a long face, friends from the South, the story has a happy ending – it turns out, Vareen was arrested last year on the same charge, with the same horse. That’s true love for you. Because she can’t say “neigh” to anyone with a couple of sugar cubes and a carrot, the band forms horse snacks on the field and plays “Free Ride.” [The band forms horse snacks] Run away, band, and lock your stables tonight – there are South Carolinans about.

9/26/2009 — Lehigh

Following yonder star onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! When last weekend’s Emmys perpetuated Bethlehem’s 61-year losing streak, Mayor John Callahan decided that enough was enough, and announced his intention to pour several thousand dollars into funding new local-access television shows. Callahan later revealed in confidence that he mostly just “really, really, really wants to meet Neil Patrick Harris.” Here are some of the future-award-winning spin-offs the city council is considering to make that happen:
  • The Secret Life of the American Toddler: or, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Minus Jon and Kate, Plus Sippy Cups Full of Red Bull
  • Aztec Idol: Eat your heart out, Quetzalcoatl
  • Boners: Forensic Anthropology has never been so… arousing
  • To Catch a Football: Dateline’s Chris Hansen makes his debut as the new head coach of Lafayette
  • Sith-Busters: It turns out almost all of Star Wars was impossible. Let’s find out why.
  • America’s Next Top Model Airplane Enthusiast: Find out who’s king of the runway… the tiny, model runway
  • 52 and Impotent: The dating show that puts the “fun” in “erectile dysfunction”
  • Puffy the Gangsta Slayer: Walking the beat. Beating the rap.
  • Booze Clues: (slurred) I don’t know where you came from, crazy blue dog, but get out of my house!
  • How I Met Your Mongoose: It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tastic!
Forming a snack for Bethlehem’s up-and-coming mongoose star, the band plays “Snakes on a Plane.” (Band forms a box and plays “Snakes on a Plane,” while the drum major and trash play Snake inside it) Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School released a study this week linking tallness to increased happiness, which really does explain why babies are crying all the time. To confirm these results ourselves, we followed a day in the life of the tallest, and thus happiest, man on earth—Sultan Kosen of Turkey. Kosen only received this title recently, when its previous holder, Bao Xishun of China, retired from competitive growing. Kosen does seem extremely happy for a number of reasons:
  • He’s able to reach the most succulent leaves from the tops of trees
  • He doesn’t have to worry about drowning, since every pool is a wading pool
  • He gets to keep all the kittens he saves!
In fact, the only thing missing in Kosen’s life is love, something he’s very well-equipped for: Kosen has the world’s largest hands, the world’s largest feet, and, of course, the world’s largest (two-second pause) heart. Forming Kosen’s enormous, throbbing heart, the band plays “Gimme Some Loving.” (Band forms a heart (which is first static, but soon begins contracting and expanding) and plays “Gimme Some Loving”) Run away, band—that heart was far from anatomically accurate!

10/3/2009 — Columbia

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… the Tree Street Twirlers!  With special guest star, the Princeton University Band! Princeton, Harvard, and Yale have been locked in three-way rivalry for decades: We’ve been called “The Big Three,” “The Triumvirate,” even “The Holy Trinity.”  But we in the PUB think a new Ivy League rivalry is in order, one based on the compatibility of our mascots.  No, I don’t mean the Crimson, the Big Green, and the Big Red; I’m talking about Columbia, Princeton, and Brown: Lions, Tigers, and Bears.  Oh my.  While the bears are hibernatin’, we’ve been thinking of ways to bring a lion-tiger rivalry into popular awareness:
  • Maybe by getting the Cincinnati Bengals to play the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl, “Angels in the Outfield”-style?
  • Or maybe we’ll steal an actual lion and tiger from local zoos and pit them against each other… in a round of Pictionary
Not that it will even be much of a rivalry in the end—I mean, the tiger side has Tigger, Shere Kahn, Hobbes, Rajah, Tony the Tiger, and Battlecat.  Lions have what?  The Cowardly Lion and the short-lived NBC show “Father of the Pride.”  Maybe it’s not even worth fighting; maybe we should just get together and pop out a litter of little ligers and tigons. Forming animal initials, the band gets ready for some jungle lovin’ and plays “Jungle Boogie.” (The band forms L + T, which slowly merges into one clump of jungle lovin’, and plays “Jungle Boogie”) This football season marks the Princeton University Band’s 90th year in existence.  To commemorate the occasion, we’d like to recount some of the band’s more well-known exploits through the decades.
  • 1919: The band is established as a condition of Woodrow Wilson’s little-known Fifteenth Point
  • 1929: The band inadvertently starts the Great Depression.  Oops!
  • 1939: While on a tour of Europe, band members enrage Hitler German officials by leaving matzah crumbs all over the Reichstag
  • 1949: The band unveils its new uniform of orange-plaid blazers, a dramatic change from the old uniform of tarring and feathering every member before games
  • 1959: The band makes the cover of Sports Illustrated, but is soon heartbroken when not invited back for the Swimsuit Edition
  • 1969: The band is slated to perform a set at Woodstock, but gets bumped after Jimi Hendrix goes way over his allotted time on the Star Spangled Banner
  • 1979: After a lengthy equal-opportunities lawsuit between the band and the female undergraduates of Princeton, the band wins, and finally secures its first female member.
  • 1989: The band kicks off its annual White Castle Tolerance Marathon, after the previous year’s White Castle ENJOYMENT Marathon ended after one bite.
  • 1999: Preparing for the imminent computer apocalypse, the band stocks up on Y2K-Y jelly.
Looking forward to 90 more great years to come, the band forms a birthday cake and plays “90 Luftballoons.” (Band forms a birthday cake, complete with three human candles, which is slowly eaten by a giant fork-prop, and plays “99 Luftballoons”) Run away, 90-year-old band.  It’s time for your sponge bath.  (Birthday candles remain on field)  You too, stupid trick candles.

10/8/2009 — Colgate

Pulling the plug on grandma, it’s the Princeton University Band! Last month saw the release of a new version of the video game “Rock Band” based on the lives and songs of the Beatles. Of course, since the Beatles haven’t come out with any new songs in years, the game’s developers had to make a few changes to prevent the game from feeling dated. Here’s a sampling of the game’s updated soundtrack:
  • She Loves YouTube
  • Yellow Sub-prime Mortgage
  • (She’s Got a) Twitter to Write
  • e-Lonely-Hearts-Club.com
  • Back in the Republics of Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Azerbaijan, etc.
  • With a Little Help From My Facebook Friends
  • The Continuing Ballad of Jon and Kate
  • I Want To Hold Your Hand, But I Don’t Want To Be Sued For Sexual Harassment
  • I Can Haz Walrus
  • African-American Bird
  • Harry Potter and the Magical Mystery Tour
  • Ob-La-Di, Ob-A-Ma
  • Can’t Buy Me Love, Except on Craigslist
Saluting a human need so basic and obvious that even Ringo could write a song about it, the band forms a modern instrument of self-expression and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love.” (Band forms Rock Band guitar controller and plays Everybody Needs Somebody) In between polishing off those last few distribution requirements and procrastinating on their theses, Princeton seniors have one thing on their minds this fall—what in Sam Hill are they going to do after they graduate? With the job market down the tubes, here are our predictions for what different departments’ graduates will be doing come June.
  • Politics majors will become hopelessly addicted to online Risk
  • Italian majors will get a job with their family—or at least a family
  • History majors will volunteer at Living History museums and war reenactments, since they would rather repeat history than be doomed to study it
  • Woodrow Wilson majors will hang out where they feel most at home—in the tool aisle at Home Depot
  • English majors will join the front lines in the fight against the term “staycation”
  • Religion majors will finally get around to reading the boring parts of the Bible
  • Chemistry majors will carry around signs that say “Will titrate for food”
  • Comparative literature majors will freelance as translators for Elvish fan fiction websites
  • Math majors will invent new ways to count… the weeks they spend living in their parents’ basements
  • Psychology majors will insist that they aren’t unemployed, they merely comprise a control group in order to accurately measure the success of people with actual careers.
  • Classics majors will desperately make jokes about how having a job is “all Greek to me”
One thing’s for certain—it looks like a good number of seniors will be stuck taking another summer vacation after they graduate. Forming a plunging employment rate, the band plays “Holiday.” (Band forms graph with plummeting line and plays Holiday) Run away, band—your welfare check’s in the mail.

10/17/2009 — Brown

Coming out of nowhere like a presidential Nobel Peace Prize, it’s the Princeton University Band! You may be aware of last Friday’s surprising announcement that President Obama was this year’s recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was shocked as well, and without enough time to write a proper acceptance speech, he resorted to desperate strategies. We got our hands on Obama’s first draft, before his staff convinced him that Mad Libs were NOT an advisable speech-writing tactic: I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own SANDWICHES, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by ESKIMOS in all nations. To be FAT, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been SQUISHED by this prize, men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of ENCHILADAS. But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of SATURN that those men and women and all Americans want to POOP, a SATURN that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it’s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 9000th century. That’s why my administration has worked to establish a MOIST era of engagement in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we SPANK. Encouraging the use of Mad-Libs in our nation’s governance, the band forms “noun” on the field and plays “Song.” (The band forms NOUN and plays “Basket Case”) Though we’re sure all of Brown’s Class of 2013 is wonderful, all eyes are upon one freshman this fall, a charming individual whose celebrity status is leaving everyone spellbound. I’m talking, of course, about Scout Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—although you may know her better as “Young Girl” from 1999’s “Breakfast of Champions.” Here are some of the experiences we’ve heard this celebrity freshman is having:
  • She was attacked by a troll in her first week on campus—lay off the freshmen, Delta Phi
  • She’s taking a seemingly impossible number of classes, thanks to one important tool—her excellent time-management skills
  • She grew close to a large, hairy groundskeeper—only to find that it was just the empty Brown Bear mascot costume
  • She was sorted into her social group for the next several years via a mystical process—called “rush”
  • She was terrorized by an enormous basilisk—and then promised herself to never try shrooms again
You know, it’s really hard to believe this girl’s parents aren’t wizards. I mean, did you SEE Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2? He was all [in Willis voice] “Yippi-ki-yay, censored!” Forming an impressionistic impression of Bruce Willis, the band plays “The Impression that I Get.” (The band forms a crude sketch of Bruce Willis and plays “Impression”) Run away, band—you can’t disapparate on school grounds! Sorry, I’m done.

10/24/2009 — Harvard

Sine my pitty on the runny kine, it’s the Princeton University Band! So, how about that elimination of hot breakfasts at House dining halls? It must be so hard to start your day without your usual toasty caviar-cakes, or a big steaming Faberge omelette. But don’t worry, Harvard, we’ve got some suggestions for how to bring warmth back into your day during the winter season:
  • Instead of 2-articles-of-clothing parties, try 20-articles-of-clothing parties
  • Issue snuggies instead of graduation gowns
  • Pahk your cahs on the Hahvahd Yahd, then idle them for hours on end
  • Change your SI temperature unit to Fahrenheit, so everything SEEMS hotter
  • Let out some of the hot air that’s causing all your grade inflation
  • Ban shaving
  • Tell your bio department to start breeding fire-breathing dragons. Or at least fire-breathing dragonflies.
  • Give cash rewards for fire safety violations
  • Assign a hobo snuggle-buddy to every student
  • Buy some Hot Wheels and Hot Pockets at the local Hot Topic… while wearing hot pants?
  • Have your president make a Faustian bargain: her soul should be good for a few Jimmy Deans
The easiest route here is probably just stealing hot breakfasts from MIT. In honor of stealing from the smart and giving to the now-slightly-less-rich (but still very rich), the band forms a hot-breakfast-seeking bow and arrow and plays the theme from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. (The band forms a bow (with caution-tape string) and arrow (of trash players) and plays “Robin Hood.” Near the end of the song, the string is pulled back and then released. The arrow runs across the field and strikes the goalpost.) “There once was a man from Nantucket” Aw, take that old opening and chuck it We’d rather berate The rest of the state And if you don’t like that, then… don’t listen. There was a team that wore red socks But played as though they all wore Crocs In terms of good stats You’ve still got the Pats But your baseballers really suck… at baseball At least Bay State folk have their pick Of how to feel better when sick Since their pot supplies Are decrim’nalized Harvard chaps can suck bongs ‘stead of… ineffective pain medications That said, we admire how Mass- -achusett’s gay marriage laws passed Now Henry and Hugh Can proclaim “I do” With a smooch and a slap on the… knee or back Saluting the number of times we’ve actually used profanity this show, the band plays “In a Young Man’s Mind,” and forms a great big pair of zeros. (The band forms boobies and cuts off the announcer’s last word as it begins to play “In A Young Man’s Mind”) Run away, band! I thought you were GRAND.

10/31/2009 — Cornell

Now accepting candy from strangers, it’s the Princeton University Band! I was working at the stadium late one night When my eyes beheld a fearsome sight Our tiger mascot began to rise And suddenly, to my surprise He did the mascot mash It was a stadium smash! It caught on in a flash He did the mascot mash The UPenn Quaker was next to show That dork came as Henry David Thoreau Big Green and Big Red turned a bright hue When they realized both had dressed as “Blue” The Columbia Lion made a dazzling Cher The Brown Bear dressed as Ghandi dressed like a bear The Harvard Crimson came as a wounded wildebeest Which the Lion only realized well into his feast The party situation grew fairly dire Handsome Dan kept eyeing his own hydrant attire The tiger knew he had to keep his party killer So turned up the tunes and busted out his “Thriller” He did the mascot mash It was a stadium smash You don’t need a moustache To do the mascot mash The band forms an unwelcome roomful of Halloween guests and tells them to “Beat It!” (Band forms box (full of costumed children!), plays “Beat It”) Did you spectators hear about this beef spill that happened on the Massachusetts Turnpike on Monday? A meat truck accident spilled sides of beef all over the road. Luckily, no one was injured, except for the thousands of Bostonians deprived of their Monday beef. We expect their grieving process went something like this:
  • Denial: This can’t be happening! Beef can’t be gone! I just had dinner with it last night!
  • Anger: This is total bull. An udder outrage. A beef-uddling turn of events I can hardly digest, especially without four stomachs!
  • Bargaining: I’ll give you twenty bucks for that beef bouillon cube!
  • Depression: It doesn’t matter. Meat sucks stinks, anyway. I’ll just become a vegetarian or something.
  • Acceptance: Anybody up for some Chic-Fil-A?
Of course, knowing the volume of roadkill along the Massachusetts turnpike, whoever gathered up all that free beef likely got more variety than they bargained for. Forming a roadkill- generating machine, the band salutes what’s REALLY for dinner and plays “Carrion, My Wayward Son.” (The band forms a car (with rotating wheels!) and plays “Carry On My Wayward Son”) Run away, band—I hear the Cornell Band gives away Good n’ Plenty’s every year.

11/7/2009 — Penn

Being fat waddling hefting its girth onto the field like New Jersey’s new governor-elect, it’s the Princeton University Band! You students must be PRETTY proud of UPenn founder Benjamin Franklin. He was a pretty baller guy, and in comparison, one of our founders went on to father Aaron Burr. But we’re a little worried that Penn students aren’t quite living up to his legacy. Here are some ways we’ve noticed them trying and failing to emulate B-Frank:
  • Franklin coined the phrase “Early to bed, early to rise.” Penn students go to bed early because they are unable to rise.
  • Franklin invented the bifocals. Penn students just drink until they see double.
  • Franklin doled out wisdom in his “Poor Richard’s Almanack.” Penn students in need of advice consult Poor Richard, the hobo on 40th and Spruce.
  • Franklin was a pioneer of volunteer firefighting. Penn students are pioneers of volunteer arson.
  • Franklin was awarded honorary degrees by Harvard and Yale. Penn students will only get one worthless degree when they graduate.
  • Franklin learned about electricity by flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Penn students still do that, but now as a Rush Week challenge.
Saluting those students charged with honoring Franklin’s memory, the band forms a kite and plays “Aftershock.” (Band forms kite (with waving tail), plays “Aftershock”) Hey, how about that Election Day? We noticed plenty of fodder on your Pennsylvanian ballots for wacky political commentary. I mean, what’s with that Joan Orie Melvin? Or that close race for the two new Judges of the Commonwealth Court? Yeah… actually, let’s talk about those propositions that DIDN’T make it onto the ballot.
  • Proposition Eh?: That Canada should hereafter be referred to as “America’s Hat” in all official documents
  • Proposition Rrrrrrrrr: That the internet piracy ban should be lifted on all Rrrrrr-rated movies… set in Rrrrrr-menia
  • Proposition T (Pain): That all congressional speeches must be auto-tuned
  • Proposition B: Bzzzz bzzz bzz bzzzzzzz bzz bzzzz bz bz bzzzzz bzz bzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzz bzzz bzz bz bzzz bzz bzzz… and increased educational funding.
  • Proposition U + I: That the sexy councilwoman from Clearfield County should accompany the speaker to the State Senate Ball next Saturday.
  • Proposition F: The Penn Band
The band forms the typical Penn student’s range of grades, and salutes the average GPA as it plays “Point 241.” (Band forms a C+ (which shifts mid-song into an F-) and plays “241”) Run away, band—with the World Series over, the Penn band thinks it’s THEIR turn to pitch.

11/14/2009 — Yale

She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m in the Princeton University Band! (Band marches onto field, playing “Princeton Forward March”) Yo audience, what do you want today’s show to be about? (Pause) Did somebody say “Iceland?” I heard “Iceland.” Okay, let’s DO this. Here are some wacky Iceland facts:
  • To increase tourism, they’re considering changing their name to Niceland, and changing their Thursday to Thorsday… and using ice for currency.
Okay, you know what? Iceland is wacky enough on its own without me having to make up facts. Did you know that Iceland is the largest banana producer in Europe? True fact. Wikipedia it. And Iceland was at informal war with the UK as recently as the 70’s. I’m not making this up. And now the nation’s only three McDonald’s are pulling out, since they didn’t have proper protection… from its economic crisis. We’re sorry, Iceland. Maybe dancing will help! The band forms a dancing Iceland and plays “Iceland of 1000 Dances.” (Band forms Iceland and dances while playing “Land of 1000 Dances”) Ladies and gentlemen, this joke is brought to you by the good people at Chic-Fil-A. Last Monday, President Obama’s landmark health care bill was passed in the House. And it’s about time! Here’s how normal folk without health care are dealing with their ailments until federal aid comes through:
  • Headaches: By turning off the Glenn Beck Show
  • Lactose intolerence: By attending a lactose tolerance seminar.
  • Indigestion: By eating more chicken, such as the tasty menu items down at Chic-Fil-A.
  • Hiccups: BOO. You’re welcome.
  • Halitosis: By taking a healthy spritz of Febreeze.
  • Scurvy: By trying the new Spicy Orange Chicken down at Chic-Fil-A.
  • Peanut allergies: By carefully inspecting all mouth-bound nuts
  • Being hit by an arrow: By upgrading armor to +12
  • Drymouth: By sampling Chic-Fil-A’s new Chicken Smoothie! All the chicken flavor you love, with none of the jaw fatigue!
  • Mono: By passing it on to a friend.
  • Restless Leg Syndrome: By going the pirate route and getting a peg leg, so at least ONE leg is untroubled.
(The band forms a concert arc and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.” Flashers on the field first spell out THE UNTROUBLED LEG, which then anagrams into NEUTER THE BULLDOG, which then flips to VIVA ORANGE & BLACK.) Run away, band! Run AWAY, band! …Okay, okay, Simon SAYS run away.

11/21/2009 — Dartmouth

Dear football season, great times this year in homeroom with Mrs. Haskell. Always remember—fish-food! Fish-food! Lol. Anyway, HAGS! Signed, the Princeton University Band! President Obama spent most of this last week in Asia, meeting with officials and speaking to crowds in Japan, Singapore, China, and South Korea. He also inadvertently visited Russia after following directions to Asia he got from Sarah Palin in an effort to reach out the right. For the rest of the trip he decided to reach out to Google Maps instead. Here are some other more ignominious moments from his expedition:
  • He took part in a Swartzenegger-esque celebrity commercial for hemorrhoid cream
  • He trashed his hotel room in rage after China’s internet blocking wouldn’t let him change his Facebook status to “IN CHINA BITCHEZ SUCKAS”
  • At different points, he was mistaken on the street for Eddie Murphy, Morgan Freeman, Chris Tucker, and Meryl Streep
  • He was talked into dressing in a panda costume for the eleventh-birthday party of a gymnast from the 2008 Chinese Olympic team
  • He got the Chinese character for “Liberty” tattooed on his bicep. (Don’t tell him this, but it actually says “bean curd.”)
  • He unknowingly sampled dishes made from three different endangered species
Saluting Obama’s favorite endangered species-delicacy, the band forms and plays “Eye of the Tiger.” (Band forms tiger eye, with roving iris/pupil, and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”) Ladies and gents, the PU Band takes a long, hard look at… weiner dogs! Weiner dogs? Really? You know what? No. NO. I refuse to read this mindless drivel anymore. This is our last show of the year, and my last chance to address a captive audience of 8000, so I’m going to tell you what I think about some things. First off, how about those breakfast cereals? They are ridiculous. Apple Jacks, you don’t even taste like apples, so CHANGE YOUR NAME, and stop flaunting your incompetence at capturing fruity flavors. Also, all you adults in Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials—stop making witty one-liners about your profession and just tell them you can see the effing cinnamon swirls on every bite. I’m talking to you, lifeguard, umpire, and submarine captain. Also, Cookie Crisp, you need to step off. You are LITERALLY tiny chocolate chip cookies. Just because you are poured in a milky bowl and eaten with a spoon does not make you breakfast. Get back to the “Cookies and Crackers” aisle where you belong. Man, I had some major complaints with the Twitter too, and that new Twilight movie, but looks like I’m out of time. Band, form… uh…. ME on the field. Yeah, heh. And play something that has my name in it. Maybe that one by Paul Simon. Do it. (The band forms stick figure on the field (complete with strategically placed tubas and bassoon) and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”) (Announcer sign-off)