Our announcer for the year is Alec Slatky ’12
9/19/2009 — The CitadelSashaying onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! Everybody is talking about all the new ‘13ers running around campus, but we mustn’t forget about another group of freshmen—all the new buildings that were completed this year.
- For example, the new bridge across Washington is taking a BRIDGE year… and helping underprivileged children in Ghana.
- All the other buildings are pretty excited about meeting Wilf Hall. Campbell wants to Holder and ‘Spoon, but everybody knows that would be a Rocky relationship, and would leave Mathey feeling Little.
- After an exten(d)sive prcedure over the summer, Wilcox is bigger and more confident, but still nervous about the new year, as it couldn’t get rid of the Clapp.
- Hargadon is planning on saying “yes” to any and all comers.
- Meanwhile, Forbes mostly hangs out by itself, and even with its addition, it’s feeling a bit negative. Not to say that all of the gossip is about Princeton’s buildings—rumor has it, South Carolina’s enormous Citadel is compensating for something. Forming a “C” for compensation, the band plays “The Citadel Medley.”
10/3/2009 — ColumbiaOh my God, it’s the Princeton University Band! Most of the band saw that new movie Zombieland last night, and it really made us think about how we’d survive if a zombie invasion hit Princeton. Here are some tips we came up with:
- First, make sure the zombies are not the hit ‘60s English rock band of the same name.
- Also assume that most architecture students have already been zombies for some time.
- Then wait to receive an Emergency Notification text message from Public Safety, which should arrive within a few days.
- Princeton will be hard-hit in a zombocalypse, due to the exceptional size of our brains, so try to seek sanctuary in places like the T.I. taproom.
- Also note that the Anscombe Society’s headquarters cannot be penetrated by zombies, or anyone else.
- Remember that each residential college has a zombie-proof bunker, although Whitman’s is several times larger than the others, and is stocked with a year’s supply of plasma-screen TVs.
- Try hiding in the Slavic Languages division of Firestone—no one will ever think to look for a living person there
- Ignore those dirty hippies at the Princeton Zombie Welfare Society. They don’t even have a good acronym.
10/8/2009 — ColgateNow available as an iPhone application, it’s the Princeton University Band! Two hours from now, the television event of the week—nay, the century—will take place, when Pam Beasley and Jim Halpert are married on NBC’s “The Office.” What many viewers may not know, however, is how much Pam got around before she settled on Jim. Here are some of her exes, and the reasons they parted ways:
- Fred Flintstone: He couldn’t make the bed rock
- Bill from True Blood: He just sucked
- Joey Tribbiani: Without his friends around, he didn’t last very long
- Jack from Lost: Not only did she not know where their relationship was going, she didn’t know… when it was going
- Alex Trebec: He always thought he had all the answers
- Homer Simpson: He was fat, bald, alcoholic, married, and yellowed, but the real turn-off was the creepy four fingers on each hand
- The Mythbuster guys: They were always too busy experimenting with each other
- Worf from Star Trek: He didn’t give her any space, always trying to Kling-on
10/17/2009 — BrownFlying onto the field like a small boy hiding in a balloon, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band marches on while playing Forward) Playboy Magazine just revealed the cover of their November issue, which features a tastefully nude depiction of… Marge Simpson. From The Simpsons. You know, it’s sad, but I hear she just really needed the cash. Here’s what some other down-on-their-luck cartoon characters have been doing to make ends meet:
- The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started subletting part of their sewer to Franklin
- Spongebob has been selling his body… at a car wash
- George Jetson took a second job—now he has to press TWO buttons
- Yogi Bear has been violently mauling park visitors for their pick-a-nick baskets
- Rocky started giving flying lessons, and Bullwinkle started giving moose lessons
- Scooby-Doo has been relling ris rorgans on the rack rarket!
- Garfield still has a distended belly, but now due to malnutrition
- Dora sold Boots to a monkey-fighting ring
- And Doug traded in Porkchop for some porkchops
10/24/2009 — HarvardMaking our own sunshine on this cloudy day, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band scrambles onto field) So McDonalds is in the throes of its yearly Monopoly promotion, and Subway recently kicked off a similar tie-in campaign with Scrabble. Here are some other pending fast-food/board-game cross-promotions:
- White Castle is working with Sorry. As in, “We are so, so sorry.”
- Arby’s is working with Clue—try to guess what animal your roast beef ACTUALLY comes from!
- Taco Bell is working with Risk, saluting what customers take with every bite.
- KFC is working with Operation, saluting what customers will need after every meal.
- Burger King is working with Trouble, in an attempt to make light of the trespassing and stalking allegations recently leveled against their mascot.
- The sketchy downtown Chinese place is working with Mousetrap, for reasons nobody is comfortable asking about.
10/31/2009 — CornellHere to chew bubblegum and perform a pregame show, and all out of bubblegum, it’s the Princeton University Band! Animals are funny! Especially the ones popularly characterized as underwater equivalents of their land-based peers! Seahorses? Ha! Catfish, sea lions, and tiger sharks? Too funny for words, except for one word: HILARIOUS. Yet even in this crowed field of quadruped knock-offs, one sweet, docile beast stands out: the sea-cow, or “manatee.” You may have heard of one wayward sea-cow recently in the news: Ilya the wandering manatee was airlifted out of a New Jersey river on Thursday. But what did he do during his time in the Garden State?
- He journeyed to Camden Aquarium, to visit his friends on the inside.
- He was thrown out of several Atlantic City casinos for mistaking American currency for delicious sea-grass… and for counting cards in blackjack
- He was repeatedly mistaken for Governor Corzine
- He took an Orange Key tour of Princeton, and was incredibly impressed by the high faculty-to-manatee ratio
11/7/2009 — Penn…and I SPECIFICALLY requested FOUR bottles of Evian, three snifters of Yoohoo, and a bowl of only orange and black M&Ms. What, this thing’s on? Oh shi-ifting onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band scrambles onto field) CNN reported this week that with the economy so bad, a job-seekers chance of finding employment is only about 15%– about the same as UPenn’s admission rate! We’re guessing this is because Wharton graduates on Wall Street were feeling nostalgic about their college days, and wanted to make the economy a little more like Penn—so they made it blue by putting it in the red. Unfortunately, they might be out of luck, since the economy doesn’t smell like downtown Philadelphia, or have a stupid mascot, or frequently get confused with Economy State. Maybe if you keep working on it, economy, one day you’ll be as selective as Princeton! (Psst: it helps if you only admit legacies.) Forming a “P” to honor Philadelphia—that was just an incredibly moving film—the band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania.” (Band forms li’l P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania) And now, The Hunchdog of Notre Dame, Robinhound Crusoe, Be a Wolf, Moby Dog, A Tale of Two Sitters, Muttketeer, A Pup in King Arthur’s Court, The Last of the Breed The Mutt in the Iron Muzzle, And The Prince and the Double-Double-Rotating Pooch! Run away, band—the mayor’s name is Nutter.
11/14/2009 — YaleBagels on Mars, bagels on Venus, I’ve got a bagel on my Princeton University Band! (Band scrambles onto field) This week, a NASA probe a discovered “significant” amount of water on the moon, and it wasn’t just a water bottle Buzz Aldrin left behind. This revelation is a complete turnaround from what they’ve been telling us for the last 40 years: how are we supposed to trust NASA anymore? Here are some other universal truths we suspect they haven’t been telling us:
- The probe also found trace amounts of grapefruit juice and peppermint schnapps
- You can totally breathe in outer space
- Neptune is entirely inhabited by Ewoks
- Pluto actually lost its planet status because it forgot to pay its Planet Club dues
- ABC is producing a spin-off of Lost, set in space… called “Lost in Space”
- The universe isn’t constantly expanding! That’s ridiculous! I mean, how would that POSSIBLY make sense? Jeez!
- “Armageddon” is based on a true story, only it was actually Pauly Shore who saved Earth– but he’s just not marketable
- Meteor showers are actually fairly rare, compared to vegetablier baths
11/21/2009 — DartmouthShark, shark, shark, shark, attack!-ing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! Dear Hannah, I never thought it would come to this. This is the hardest wall post I’ve ever had to write. I’ll always remember the good times we had, like:
- That three-way with Andy the Bandie
- When we were kicked out of that Cornell hotel for banging too loud
- When we swapped life stories, and you told me how you had begun your life (and your jumping career) with a mighty leap over the Mexican border
- How every time you frowned, a smile and thumbs-up were soon to follow
- To be honest, you really reminded us of our old boyfriend, too, who was a total hottie
- You liked banging inanimate objects more than us
- That strap-on harness you wear isn’t doing it for us anymore
- You spend a lot of time with your other band, but we didn’t realize you were actually cheating on us with them! You violated OUR honor code.
- And then we found out that there were quite a few Children of Valdez running around