2010

Our announcer for the year is Joseph McMahan ’13

9/25/2010 — Lafayette

Climbin in yo’ windows, snatchin’ yo’ people up, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March.)

Hello Leopards, Look at your band, now back to us, now back at your band, now back to us. Sadly, your band isn’t us, but if your band stopped using maroon-scented body wash and switched to plaid, they could smell like they’re us. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a field with the band your band could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two passes to that club you love. Look again, the passes are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your band smells like a tiger and not a leper. I’m on a field. Do-do do do do do-do do.

Forming two tickets to that thing you love, the Band plays Any Way You Want It.

(Band forms two tickets that turn into a diamond, plays “Any Way You Want It.”)

Antoine Dodson, of Bed Intruder fame, recently used the profits from selling his song on iTunes to purchase a new home that isn’t in the projects, far away from people who are so dumb, who are really dumb, fo’ real. The Band has discovered that many other YouTube stars have also used their notoriety and riches to change their lives for the better.

  • The little girl who cried over Justin Bieber founded a Build-A-Bieber workshop.
  • David After The Dentist penned his memoirs about the experience, which late became the movie Inception.
  • Susan Boyle didn’t know what to do with all her money so she ate it.
  • Charle the Unicorn hired Ninja Cat as an assassin to take down those thieves that stole his kidney.
  • Sassy Gay Friend stole Adam from Eve, ending the human race.
  • The sneezing baby panda became a spokespanda for Claritin.
  • Keyboard Cat and Hamster on a Piano went on tour together. The tour ended in tragedy when Keyboard Cat accidentally ate Hamster on a Piano.
  • Crazy BJ Girl became a regular on The Office.
  • World of Warcraft freakout kid’s life didn’t actually get any better.
  • The Powerthirst guy used the profits from the new flavor Manana to pay 400 ALIMONY PAYMENTS.

Congratulations if you didn’t get any of those jokes – you have a life. Saluting one of the most watched videos on You Tube, the Band forms a broken heart and plays “Bad Romance.”

(Band forms a broken heart, plays “Never Gonna Give You Up.”)

Hey Freshman! What, what, what are you doing? You’ve already wasted a huge chunk of your half-time watching YouTube videos. The Princeton University Band doesn’t want you to squander your youth, so we’ve compiled a list of pro-tips on how to procrastinate more efficiently.

  • Instead of playing flash games all the time, utilize Google Calendar to precisely manage your Robot Unicorn Attack sessions.
  • Instead of honing your skills on the Frist piano, don’t.
  • Instead of buying Coke at the Wa, buy it at Ivy.
  • Instead of sitting alone in the corner of your room, sit alone in the middle of someone else’s room.
  • Instead of having brief awkward conversations with strangers on the Street, have an extended, intimate conversation with a stranger on Chat Roulette.
  • Instead of stalking people on Facebook, stalk them in real life. (pause) Hey Carol. I see you out there on the field. You’re looking good today. See ya later.
  • Instead of playing World of Warcraft, come to a Princeton University Band open rehearsal, Tuesdays at 4:30PM in the Woolworth Music Building.
  • Instead of going to class, take a shower.
  • Instead of doing your homework, take a shower.
  • Instead of making friends, take a shower.

Celebrating the most time consuming activity of college students, the band forms a shower caddy and plays a tribute to Michael Jackson.

(Band forms shower caddy, plays “Beat It.”)

Run Away Band, I think you have too many shoes! Shut up!

10/02/2010 — Colombia

Escaping justice like Lindsey Lohan, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March.)

During Freshman Orientation, Princeton’s Class of 2014 was tasked with completing a challenging scavenger hunt as part of their residential college bicker process. Here are some of the more interesting items:

  • Don’t take a picture on top of the Dinky.
  • Eat every flavor from all four ice cream shops.
  • Try to find something under twenty dollars at J. Crew.
  • Tackle anyone you see carrying a cane. Candy canes don’t count so stay away from Santa Claus.
  • Streak the field at the Columbia football game…ladies.
  • Find someone without their collar popped.
  • Challenge President Shirley Tilghman to a pull up contest. Prepare to lose, weaklings!
  • Find Forbes college – you get a flashlight, compass, several days provisions, and a sherpa.
  • Try to find someone wearing the horribly clashing colors of orange and black… just kidding orange
  • and black are fabulous.
  • Meet someone from Montana, preferably named Hannah.
  • Take a picture of tourists taking pictures of Nassau Hall.
  • Ask every freshman you meet their SAT scores.
  • Climb into a plaid van with free candy inside.
  • Find a Cloister Inn member who wasn’t hosed from a bicker club.
  • Find something at Hoagie Haven that won’t cause immediate cardiac arrest.

Forming a popular choice at Hoagie Haven, the band salutes our childhood favorite, the Sanchez, and plays “Children of Sanchez.”

(The band forms a piece of bread, and plays “Children of Sanchez”)

Once upon a time in a Far Away Land, there lived a young hero named Beffrey Jagdis III Esquire, Prince of Orange and Nassau, Duke of West Windsor. After he successfully slayed the evil dragon of Thesis, he yearned to voyage to the magical land of New York, questing for the Holy Google. Beffrey’s fairy godmother Tirley Shilghman transformed a pumpkin into an orange vespa, and he began to search day and night for the Holy Google. On the third day, he was feeling lucky: he turned left and finally came upon the Temple of the Holy Google. He was disappointed to find that it was not a mystical object but a place that expected him to DO things, and cruelly only allowed him two score days of vacation. Disillusioned, he wandered until he found the Magical Square of Time and encountered there a Tastefully Dressed Cowboy. The Cowboy shared a cautionary tale: he had invested his clothing in Lehman Brothers stock, which ended in him losing the shirt off his back and pants off his behind. He warned that should Beffrey invest his soul in the concrete jungle, he would never be able to leave. Beffrey decided that it would be best if he heeded the Cowboy’s words and mounted his trusty steed, fleeing as fast as his Vespa could carry him, at a blistering pace of 25 miles an hour. He was happy to have escaped the concrete jungle and returned to his palatial estate in New Jersey, where everyone lives happily ever after.

Forming Beffrey’s palace, the band plays “Farewell to the Jungle.”

(The band forms a castle and plays “Welcome to the Jungle.”)

Run Away Band, [BEEP] University Congress was wiretapping this show.

10/09/2010 — Colgate

Verbing onto the noun like adjective pop culture reference, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

This past week, the Band was feeling mischievous and instead of exploring the underbelly of campus, we decided to hack Shirley Tilghman’s Facebook account. We didn’t have too much trouble guessing her password. We tried harvardsucks, and were pleased to find that we were in! Here are some excerpts from President Tilghman’s News Feed:

  • Shirley Tilghman is attending Fall Rush 2010.
  • Dean Hargadon is attending every event because he only replies YES!
  • Dean Malkiel is in a relationship with Princeton University and it’s complicated.
  • Josh Weinstein suggests you like CollegeOnly.
  • Shirley Tilghman likes Crest Toothpaste. Colgate President Jeffrey Herbst likes this.
  • Public Safety likes Freshman Girls.
  • Engineering School Dean Bogucki wrote on Freshman Engineer’s wall: “You can’t leave engineering! Do you want to change the world or do you want to be poor?!”
  • Scott Jurgens updated his status: 45 – 14? FML.
  • Dean Dunne and 39 of your friends like The Social Network. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps left a comment: “You’re only liking this because you can’t dislike it.”
  • Shirley Tilghman has joined the group “Team Edward.”
  • Dean Dunne has been tagged in the album “Anything But Clothes Party @ Campus.” Dean Dunne commented on a picture of you: “So much kettlecorn!!”

Sending a friend request to Shirley Tilghman, the Band forms a notification bubble and plays “Friend Like Me.”

(Band forms a notification bubble and plays “Friend Like Me”)

On Sunday, World War I officially ended when Germany paid the last of its war reparations. To gather such a huge sum of money, the German people utilized some creative fundraising techniques:

  • Hitting up their homeboy Pope Benedict XVI for some cash money.
  • Door to door Weinerschnitzel sale. Each prospective customer will be asked “Do you vant my weinerschnitzel?”
  • Having a bake sale of pretzels shaped like the Berlin Wall.
  • Selling tickets to their annual wet lederhosen contest

Now that WWI is finally over, it’s only a matter of time before WWIII is upon us. Fearing the release of 99 Luftballons as prophesied in German pop star Nina’s eponymous song, the Band forms a mushroom cloud and plays “99 Luftballoons.”

(Band forms a mushroom cloud, and plays “99 Luftballoons”)

This week, the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior a survey commissioned by the National Institute of Health was released. The report concluded that condom use use of protection should be more prevalent among older couples. The Band has drawn up a list of additional topics that older citizens should learn about to become more productive members of society:

  • You should check out some of that new-fangled rap music and popular young stars like Two-Pack, Snoopy Dog, and the Notorious Big.
  • No trick-or-treater is going to ever want raisins or a nickel.
  • You should learn to fix your own VCR.
  • If you send 20,000 dollars to that friendly Nigerian prince who emailed you, you should not expect a return on your investment.
  • Just because I don’t forward your chain emails doesn’t mean I don’t love you. The fact that I don’t visit you in the nursing home means I don’t love you.

Keeping an eye on great-grandpa’s heart monitor, the Band forms an EKG reading and plays “In an Old Man’s Mind.”

(Band forms an EKG squiggle that flatlines and plays “In a Young Man’s Mind”)

Run Away Band, get off my lawn, you young whippersnappers!

10/16/2010 — Brown

Erupting onto the field like Diet Coke and Mentos, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Over the past week, the Band has noticed some pretty unique tactics for garnering votes in the Class of 2014 presidential election. We have some suggestions for ways to run a more effective campaign:

  • Try to hug every member of your class. Don’t take no for an answer. Also, don’t take mace for an answer.
  • When selecting a campaign headshot, girls should try to get a pic with a cute smile and good cleavage. Guys should also try to get a good cleavage shot.
  • Post on PrincetonFML: “I hooked up with I had to sit next to [insert opponent’s name here] in precept and he had the worse body odor of my life. FML.”
  • In order to jumpstart your political career, make a bid to become the mayor of a small Alaskan town. If that fails, become the mayor on Foursquare.
  • Hook up with Get to know Band Announcer Joseph McMahan ’13, and get your name announced at a football game.
  • Raise eyebrows around campus by printing steamy x-rated business cards.
  • Poster the campus advertising your SAT scores, AP scores, and full-ride scholarship letter to Brown. Actually, leave that last one out, that’s too embarrassing.
  • To get that coveted upperclassman vote, go door-to-door in the carrels.
  • Streak the field…right now.
  • Seduce the person most likely to become Elections Manager after the current one resigns in disgrace.

The Band is now announcing its candidacy for Freshman Class President. Stealing the election, the Band forms your vote and plays Prince of Thieves.

(Band forms a box with a checkmark, and plays Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves)

Hey Special Brownies – Are you tired of those annoying As and messy pluses all over your transcript? Are you sick and tired of your parents heaping on adulation, rewards, and respect for all of those As? We thought so, and boy have we got a solution for you!

Introducing… grade deflation – the fool proof solution to all your inflated GPA problems!

A standard issue grade deflation package includes: 5 all nighters, 12 5-hour energy shots, and a sinking feeling that you should have gone to a state school. You’re guaranteed at least 2 Bs, 5 Cs, and 1 D. If you make your purchase in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in an extra D. That’s right, you get double Ds! we’ll double your Ds!

Here’s a testimonial from converted Brown Student, Wemma Hotson ’13. She is not a paid actress. “It was last year when I first started getting uncontrollable numbers of As. I soon began to miss the damp feeling on my pillow from crying myself to sleep. I tried not doing assignments, taking herbal supplements, and stalking celebrity students all day, but nothing worked. Then a friend suggested I try grade deflation. I saw results in just 6 weeks. I’ve lost inches off my GPA.”

Order now and grade deflation can be yours for three easy payments of 19.99. That’s right, 19.99. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in a Shake Weight, absolutely free!

Possible side effects of grade inflation may include: nausea, vomiting, loss of employment prospects, dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, and dishonor on your whole family.

Act now, this offer is not available in stores!

Cramming for our next exam, the band forms our expected grade and plays “Darn It.”

(Band forms a F+, plays “Dammit”)

Run Away Band, the Brown Band wants to try out our Shake Weights.

10/23/2010 — Harvard

Bursting forth from the loins of the earth like a liberated Chilean miner, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field, plays Princeton Forward March)

Although Harvard may have snagged the top spot in the US News & World Report annual rankings this year, Princeton University students may rest assured that they’ll have better professional opportunities upon graduating from our fine university. No matter his major, any son of Princeton is guaranteed to top a Harvard lad.

  • Harvard computer science majors create a social network. Princeton computer science majors have a social life.
  • When Christian Bale graduated from Princeton he became Batman. When he graduated from Harvard, he became an American Psycho and murdered hookers escorts.
  • Sociology majors at Princeton go on to become the First Lady. Sociology majors at Harvard are still waiting to touch their first lady.
  • Princeton music majors live in cardboard boxes. Harvard music majors live in wet cardboard boxes.
  • Princeton English majors write things like This Side of Paradise. Harvard English majors write Edward-Jacob slash fan fiction.
  • Princeton molecular biology majors experiment with dangerous diseases in a sterile lab environment. Harvard molecular biology majors experiment with dangerous diseases in their girlfriends in the dining hall with their cold, off-brand oatmeal, which is ninety percent gravel.
  • Princeton physics majors make leaps in the field of quantum mechanics research. Harvard physics majors penetrate the field of …

(The band forms a concert arc, plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”)

Flashers spell: BROTHEL MECHANICS

Flashers anagram to: BLEACH THE CRIMSON

Flashers flip letters to: FIGHT ON OLD NASSAU

Run Away Band, your best friend is suing you for six hundred million dollars.

11/06/2010 — Penn

Whipping our hair back and forth, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field, plays Princeton Forward March)

The University of Pennsylvania recently accepted a new sorority onto campus – Alpha Sigma Sigma. The sisters of A-Sig soon became well-known for their rigorous pledge process, requiring many things that Penn students normally aren’t asked to do, such as:

  • Use the toilet instead of the bushes.
  • You may only eat food scooped up by the toast zamboni.
  • Attend a professor’s office hours dressed as Ben Franklin. Sexy Naughty Ben Franklin.
  • Proudly masquerade as a member of the lamest and most socially awkward student group on campus: the Penn Band.
  • Find someone on campus who has a GPA above 2.
  • Try to find a winning baseball team in your town. Womp-womp.
  • Go to Long John Silver’s and procure a tasty fish taco for your big sister.
  • As part of your philanthropy requirement you must volunteer your services to the campus in one of the following ways: Spend three hours helping a Penn senior find the library. Or, spend three seconds helping a fraternity member find happiness.

Finally, you may only date legacies, varsity athletes, and men of Wharton. Do not be discouraged if it is very difficult for you to get a date – after all, Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love.

Celebrating sisterly love, the Band forms one cup and plays What is Love?

(Band forms a teacup and Kristen and Sverdy dance in the middle, plays What is Love?)

The election for governor of New York has been sparking public interest with such buzz-worthy candidates as Jimmy McMillan of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The Band has decided to throw our boater hat into the ring as well. As governor of New York, the Band would:

  • Declare eminent domain on all of Columbia’s campus.
  • Institute a new state-wide health care plan called Band Care. Every New Yorker is entitled to a complimentary box of Band Aids.
  • Supply all New Yorkers with lots and lots of Red Bull as part of our new energy bill.
  • Declare war on Pennsylvania in response to the threatening existence of the institution of so-called higher learning known as the University of Pennsylvania.
  • Throw totally dope tea parties in the Governor’s Mansion. Patterson can bring the coke…a cola, and Spitzer can bring the ho…hos. We just love those cream-filled pastries.

Yup, that’s our plan. You should definitely vote for us. – Wait… What do you mean the election already happened? Shoot!

Forming a cardboard box time machine to take us back to Election Day, the Band plays Time Warp.

(Band forms a box, plays Time Warp)

Run Away Band, I’m 6’5″, 220 pounds, and there are two of me.

11/13/2010 — Yale

No means yes and yes means it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

Any self-respecting Muggle knows that Hogwarts is the greatest school in all the world for Witchcraft and Wizardry. What you might not know is that Yale University is, in fact, a school for Squibs: non magical people born to magical parents. Despite their lack of natural talent, Yale students are still trying desperately to incorporate magic into their education.

  • Quidditch is played at both Hogwarts and Yale, but at Hogwarts, students can actually fly, while at Yale students run the risk of splinters and other, more severe groin injuries.
  • Hogwarts students drink Polyjuice Potion to make themselves seem more attractive. Yale students drink to make everyone else seem more attractive.
  • At Hogwarts, food magically appears on your plate. At Yale, your belongings mysteriously disappear.
  • Hogwarts students go down to Hagrid’s hut late at night. Yale students just go down.
  • At Hogwarts, students are divvied up by the Sorting Hat. At Yale, students are divided by socioeconomic class.
  • Hogwarts’ campus is surrounded by the Forbidden Forest, teeming with dangerous magical creatures. Yale’s campus is surrounded by New Haven, teeming with kidney-snatching hobos.

Honoring the memory of Hogwart’s much-beloved headmaster, the band forms a lightning bolt and plays You Can Call Me Al…bus Dumbledore.

(Band forms a lightening bolt and plays You Can Call Me Al)

Yale researchers recently released a study proving that mass consumption of French fries makes children obese. Who knew? The researchers are also credited with a number of other groundbreaking and unprecedented discoveries.

  • Studies show that not being old is a consistently effective way to prevent the onset of Alzheimer’s.
  • Studies show that Bieber fever is a major public health concern.
  • Studies show that inflammable means flammable. Flammable ALSO MEANS FLAMMABLE.
  • Studies show that No Shave November leads to No Shag November.
  • Studies show that The Rent is Too Damn High.
  • Studies show that cocaine increases the user’s work ethic.
  • Studies show that double rainbows are SO INTENSE.
  • Studies show that the best way to make the sentence that follows sound more credible is to preface it with the phrase “studies show.”
  • Studies show that your level of being a hobo is strongly correlated to rat deliciousness.

Forming Rizzo the rat, in all of his delicious glory, the band plays The Muppet Show.

(Band forms a rat and plays The Muppet Show)

Run Away Band, the referee is as blind as Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank it’s Wingardium levi-OH-sa, not levio-SAH.

11/20/2010 — Dartmouth

What is that mysterious ticking noise? It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

A dear friend of the Band, Seymour Butts, has decided to apply to Dartmouth. An important part of the Dartmouth application is a peer evaluation. Seymour asked us to write his letter, which follows:

Dear Dartmouth Selection Committee,

Seymour Butts has endless good qualities. I can’t think of another person who would be a greater asset to your school.

Seymour is a dedicated individual, and takes his hobbies, such as astronomy, very seriously. He just loves whipping out his telescope and gazing at the moon.

Seymour is a very mature individual, showing great resilience in the face of disappointment. After a difficult breakup with his long term high school girl friend, Butts’ ex and he are still on good terms.

Seymour is a diligent student. His hard work earned him the honor of salutatorian, for his #2 ranking in his senior class.

As for his career aspirations, Seymour plans to go pre-med and attend medical school to fulfill his dream of one day becoming a proctologist.

Seymour Butts is one of the kindest and most intelligent individuals we know. If it were possible, you wouldn’t want just one, you’d want two Seymour Butts at Dartmouth.

Sincerely, the Princeton University Band

p.s. During Seymour’s interview, try to avoid making any butt jokes. They really hurt his feelings.

Commending Seymour on his impeccable personal hygiene, the band forms a roll of toilet paper Commending Seymour on his clean record, the band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.

(Band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.)

[Whole joke is read in a David Attenborough British accent]

Today we will observe the keg in its natural habitat. The keg is a formidable beast, originally from the wilds of Milwaukee, led to the frozen wasteland of Hanover by their leader Kegdube, King of the Kegs, revered by Dartmouth students as Keggy.

The only natural predator of the keg is the Dartmouth student. Keg hunters attempt to disguise themselves by attaining barrel-shaped physiques, similar to the kegs themselves. As a warning to wild kegs, Dartmouth students will crush baby kegs against their foreheads.

As a coming of age ritual, Dartmouth students must each hunt a keg armed only with a single Solo cup. As a fertility ritual, two women will drink the blood of the keg from the single cup.

In Hanover, the Africanized mutant killer kegs known as Four Loko roam unchecked. To drink the blood of a Four Loko is to live a half-life, a cursed life.

The blood of the keg is the only known cure for ugly. Side effects include blurred vision, loss of clothing, and a feeling of deep regret.

Forming laaaast night’s bed mate, the band plays “Baaaad Romance.”

(Band forms a question mark and plays “Bad Romance”)

And now, on behalf of Band Head Manager Carol “Seriously guys, put some pants on” Dreibelbis, Student Conductor Mia “Half-Asian, half-American, all nonsense” Tsui, Drum Major Rachel “You think that’s water in my Camelback?” Sverdlove, and President Kristen “Actually a gnome” Davila, this has been your announcer, Joseph “Like breaking a trombone is that bad” McMahan, signing off and saying: Good night, and good luck.