2010 Pregames

Our announcer for the year is Joseph McMahan ’13

9/18/2010 — Lehigh

Getting your heart racing in our skintight jeans, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field.)

Everyone knows that last summer was chock-full of big news stories and excitements. What you may not know is that the Princeton University Band played a critical role in many of these events.

  • When we heard about the massive BP oil spill, we knew we had to help. We pooled our resources, purchased a single Sham Wow, and Fedex-ed it to the Gulf Coast.
  • The Band created a Public Service Announcement reminding Canadians attempting to sneak into the country illegally by sailing across the Great Lakes not to use their anchor babies as actual anchors.
  • The Band participated in the Glenn Beck rally scavenger hunt, winning big points for finding items such as confederate flags, American flags used as clothing, British tax collectors, tea bags and fanny packs. Unfortunately, we didn’t win because we failed to get the one thousand point bonus for finding a minority Waldo.
  • Impressed with the deafening enthusiasm of World Cup fans, the Band decided to spice up its sound by replacing every instrument with a vuvuzela. Unfortunately, no one noticed the difference.
  • Feeling sympathy for the miners trapped in Chile, the Band tried to keep the spirits of the imprisoned men up by providing food and toiletries as well as a as DVD player and the entire first season of Are You Afraid of the Dark? We also tried to give the men some alcoholic refreshment, but it was confiscated because they are all miners.
  • When China got wind of the birth of two giant panda cubs in Madrid, the entire country attempted to drive to Spain, causing a traffic jam nearly 20 miles long. The Band helped ease the congestion by giving stranded motorists a lift.

Forming the solution to gridlock, the band forms an orange plaid van and plays “Free Ride.”

(Band forms a van and plays “Free Ride” while trash circles as wheels.)

Le-HI, Lehigh freshman – listen up for some solid advice on how to navigate the ins and outs of Lehigh’s campus, academics, and social life. In particular, keep an eye out for a popular Bethlehem resident, Lehigh student Jesús Crist, better known as JC.

  • If you meet a guy at a frat party trying to perform miracles, don’t worry. JC tries to pick up all the freshman girls by turning water into Keystone.
  • Avoid walking around in groups because JC used to roll twelve deep but one of the bros was a total douche buzzkill.
  • If you make friends with JC, try to get invited to dinner with his parents on Freshman weekend, I hear his dad is the man.
  • While some people bring bikes to campus, we recommend a pocket escalator to take on Lehigh’s hills. Remember, the walk of shame at Lehigh is actually the mountain climb of shame.
  • You can save money on laundry detergent by purchasing paraphernalia in Lehigh Brown. You’ll never have to wash your clothes again.
  • College is a time for experimentation. For example, try to reinvent yourself: put on a new shirt, your old one is dirty.
  • If you need some extra cash, you can be a guinea pig for psychology experiments. As an added bonus, you’ll have no trouble getting into Zeta Eta Theta’s exclusive Furry Party.
  • Speaking of frats, there are no open container laws in this state. (pause) Wooo!!
  • Don’t worry if you miss your mom, I saw her last night and she’s just fine.
  • To avoid being sexiled, preemptively masterbanish your roommate.
  • In order to avoid the Freshman Fifteen, you should eat only Lebanon Baloney from Goosey Gander.
  • If you don’t do well in your classes you can always drop out. Goosey Gander is hiring.

You know what? Never mind. Forget everything I said. The world is going to end in 2012 anyway. So go ahead and do whatever the heck you want.

Forming the end of the world, the Band explodes into flame and plays “Great Balls of Fire.”

(Band forms exploding Earth, plays “Great Balls of Fire.”)

Run Away, Band. The Lehigh Band’s pants were all white when they bought them.

9/25/2010 — Lafayette

Voulez-vous coucher avec le Princeton University Band?

(Band scrambles onto the field.)

Attention Class of 2014! Here are a few important pieces of advice for any new Princeton University freshman.

  • Lower your expectations. You will not get straight As, and if you do, everyone will hate you.
  • If you see a man in a trench coat in Prospect Garden do not make eye or waist contact.
  • Nobody wants to know your SAT scores.
  • Don’t put any posters on your door or you will burst into flames and die a horrible flaming death.
  • If you live in Forbes, put a poster on your door.
  • Don’t fall asleep on your laptop in class, drool will damage the keyboard.
  • If you don’t like your roommate, don’t worry, just spend the entire year putting used tissues on his side of the room.

Finally, if Joseph McMahan ’13 asks you on a date, say yes…please.

Forming an “L” for “love of your life” the Band plays “La Marseillaise.”

(Band forms a script L and plays “La Marseillaise.”)

And now, Baguette, Pommes frites, Frogs, White flags, Super model first ladies, Omelet du fromage, Gaston, Frere Jacques, Head butts, French manicures, Berets, Escargot, B.O., Eiffel tower, Napoleon, The Louvre, Marie Antoinette, Crepes, Guillotines, Brie, Chain-smoking, And a double-double-rotating-Poodle!

(band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays Going Back.)

Now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner.)

Run Away Band, the French are coming. Nah, don’t worry about it, but seriously get off the field.

10/02/2010 — Colombia

Almost as orange as Snooki’s face, it’s the Princeton University Band.

It’s Banned Book Week and several slighted authors have been teaming up to create the ultimate banned book. Here are some examples:

  • Anne Frank has Two Mommies
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Satanic Verses
  • Catch-22 Huckleberries
  • The Grapes of Animal Farm
  • Alice’s Adventures in The Brave New World
  • Fahrenheit 1984
  • Uncle Tom’s Lolita

Forming a “c” for censorship coolest books ever, the Band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar.”

(Band forms a lowercase “c”, and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar.”

And now, Snooki, Fried Oreos, The Situation, Spray tans, Land fills, Gardens, Jon Stewart, Turnpikes, Jagerbombs, My New Haircut, New York Giants, Cake Boss, The Boss, Bon Jovi, Real Housewives, The Sopranos WaWa, Chris Christie,

And the Double-Double Rotating Population Density!

(Band forms DDRP, and plays “Going Back”)

Run Away Band, we’ve got a Situation on our Hands.

10/09/2010 — Colgate

Ladies and Gentlemen, your expert on tropical fruits, it’s the Princeton University Banana!

Last week at the General Interest Career Fair many students flocked to booths such as the CIA and Princeton in Asia. Unfortunately, there were some booths that were less popular:

  • Ambassadors to North Korea
  • Bleach for America – a new public laundry service
  • US Marine Corps
  • Lehman Brothers
  • Doctors without Personal Boundaries
  • Cartographers without Borders
  • Princeton in Uzbekistan
  • Beijing in Princeton

Forming a “c” for careers, the Band plays…

(Band forms a lowercase “c” and plays…)

And now,

Papaya, Peach, Peas, Pear, Pineapple, Pumpkin, Poon, Parsnips, Plum, Prune, Prickly Pear, Passion Fruit, Plantain, Parsley, And a Double-Double-Rotating-Pomegranate!

(Band forms DDRP and plays Going Back)

Now please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Banner)

Run Away Band, I think the Colgate Band wants to touch your juicy guanabana.

10/16/2010 — Brown

Hey Brown Band, do you want to see something swell? It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Recently, Brett Favre sent a racy picture message to a woman he was trying to court. Needless to say, it was not well received. Mr. Favre isn’t the only celebrity who is having trouble in the dating world these days. Many famous people have been using less than ideal pick-up lines.

  • James Franco introduces himself as “Franco, James Franco”
  • Mark Zuckerberg asks, “Do you want to see a movie? …about me?”
  • Lindsey Lohan observes, “Hey, you were looking good in rehab last week.”
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t ask people on dates, dates ask Chuck Norris on people.
  • Kate Goselin invites people to make +9.
  • Leonardo Decaprio declares “Pinch me, I must be dreaming.”
  • Donald Trump announces, “You’re hired!”
  • Steve Urkel cops a feel and exclaims, “Did I do that?”

Forming a “B” for Buy You a Drank, the Band plays “Brown Cheering Song.”

(Band forms Script B, and plays “Brown Cheering Song”)

And now, Paddington, Smokey, Rupert, Yogi, Baloo, Little, Mama, Papa, Brother, The Berensteins, Corduroy, Teddy, Iorek, Pedo, Bjorn, Mike Ditka, Gentle Ben, Mr. Grylls, Gummy, Snuggles, And a Double-Double-Rotating-Pooh!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem.

(Band plays “Star-Spangled Banner”)

Run Away Band, Brett Favre is coming and he’s got his camera phone.

10/23/2010 — Harvard

This is test of the Princeton University Emergency Notification System. In the event of an actual emergency, this message would provide instructions and direct you to the Princeton University Band.

This week, a high school cheerleader was suspended from the squad for posting a Facebook profile picture posing with a beer. With Mark Zuckerberg ever decreasing the privacy standards on Facebook other people have been getting into trouble for posting scandalous pictures:

  • President Shirley Tilghman on one knee, enjoying a tasty malt beverage.
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad marching in a gay pride parade, letting it all hang out.
  • Arizona state legislators celebrating a feliz cumpleanos with their abuelos in Mexico.
  • Lady Gaga using a gyroscope rather than wearing one.
  • Katy Perry wearing an “I Heart New York” t-shirt and kissing a girl and not liking it.
  • Sarah Palin getting shot by a wolf in a helicopter.
  • Brett Farve actually retiring and enjoying an early bird special at 4:30 PM.
  • Mel Gibson leading a religious tolerance seminar.
  • Barbie getting sloppy in the Terrace tap room.

Forming an H for Hope Abuela Doesn’t See This, the band plays Harvardiana.

(Band forms a lowercase h, plays Harvardiana)

And now, Tea-bags, Cups, Saucers, Crumpets, Pocket watches, Biscuits, Scones, Alaskan governors, British, Devonshire cream, Marmalade Angry white men, Doilies, Sugar cubes, Monocles, Harvard undergraduates, Stuffed animals, Mad hatters, Milk, Cream, Half and half, Table cloths, Neatly folded napkins, Lemon wedges, Sweet-N-Low, Watercress sandwiches, And the double-double-rotating puff pastry!

(Band forms DDRP and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem.

(Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, the Harvard Band wants to Grey Poupon you.

11/06/2010 — Penn

Seizing control of Congress, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

The Band was disappointed to see Meg Whitman lose the California gubernatorial race despite spending 140 million dollars of her personal money. Since a contribution of 30 million dollars was enough to get Whitman College named after Ms. Whitman, the Band can think of a few ways that her money could have been better spent fixing things up on Princeton’s campus:

  • Demolish Dodge-Osborne and build an exact replica of Hogwarts.
  • Hire an army of bodybuilders to lift Forbes and move it closer to campus.
  • Soundproof the Frist piano.
  • Convert Rockefeller Tower into an nuclear arms silo.
  • Upgrade Princeton in Asia to Princeton on Mars.
  • Make the north face of Fine Hall look less fugly because no amount of money is enough to make the whole building less fugly.
  • Convert Frist into the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
  • Equip every bathroom on campus with two… no – three!… no – FOUR PLY TOILET PAPER!!

Forming a P for poor investment, the Band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”

(Band forms a little P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania)

And now, Naughty witch, Naughty nurse, Naughty police officer, Naughty referee, Naughty ghost, Naughty walrus, Naughty hippopotamus, Naughty sperm whale, Naughty dinosaur, Naughty Dumbledore, Naughty Voldemort, Naughty grandma, Naughty Hitler, Naughty Obama, Naughty mermaid, Naughty fish, Naughty rock, Naughty Nassau Hall, Naughty Shirley Temple, Naughty Shirley Tilghman, Naughty pudding, Naughty Dean Dunne, Naughty Robert George, Naughty Cornel West, Naughty Dean Malkiel, Naughty Dean Malkiel’s dog, And a Double-double rotating Naughty pumpkin!

(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, the football team wants to use the band field.

11/13/2010 — Yale

Eating popcorn on a piano, it’s the Kristen University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Coming soon to a theater near you: SLOTH!: The Kristen Davila story. Kristen is faced with a horrible dilemma. She’s sitting on the couch and needs to work on her TWO theses, but her computer is in the next room on the top bunk and she’s short. She puts on her Harry Potter Snuggie and spends thirty minutes trying to summon her laptop. Exhausted with the effort, she falls asleep. She wakes up fifteen hours later, and decides to go get her laptop. Once she starts writing she is overcome by the urge to write slash fan fiction, but then decides to watch Inglourious Basterds instead.

Forming a Lambda for Colonel Hans Landa, the Band plays Bulldog.

(Band forms a lambda and plays Bulldog)

And now, Hagrid – Dobby, Harry – Draco, Crabbe – Goyle, Lily – Petunia, Fred – George, Buckbeak – Norbert, Hermione – Aragog, Flitwick – Grawp, Mrs. Norris – Crookshanks, Voldemort – Quirrel, Nagini – Wormtail, Grindelwald – Dumbledore, Dudley – Kreacher,

And a Double-Double-Rotating-Peeves and Pansy Parkinson!

(Band forms two halves of a broken heart and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

Run Away Band, you weren’t playing your trumpet anyway.

11/20/2010 — Dartmouth

Shooting a record eighteen feet and nine inches onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Recently, a Carnival Cruise ship was stranded off the coast of California after a fire occurred on board. Conditions aboard the ship were pretty rough for a while, and at times it almost felt like the passengers were at a Dartmouth frat party. The similarities were striking:

  • Mayonnaise sandwiches for everyone
  • Overflowing toilets and unusable bathrooms
  • Too many people in one place
  • Rampant nausea
  • Everyone went there looking for a good time, and came back with diseases

Forming a D for debauchery, the Band plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By.”

(Band forms a little d and plays ATBGTB)

And now, Turkey, Tofurkey, Wawa Gobbler, Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, Stuffing, Cranberry sauce from the can, Cranberry sauce from scratch, Turkey, Squanto, Dark meat, Light meat, Hats with buckles, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Black Friday, Alice’s Restaurant, Tryptophan, Football, Food babies, Gravy, Squash, Friends and family, And Double-Double-Rotating Pumpkin Pie!

(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back)

And now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, you’re in range!