Our announcer for the year is Joseph McMahan ’13.
Flooding onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, playing “Princeton Forward March”)
This summer, there was one thing on every American’s mind: trying to come up with serious, long-term solutions to the debt ceiling crisis. Well, maybe you weren’t actually trying to come up with solutions, but that’s okay! – neither was Congress! Luckily, the Band was hard at work raising money to fix the problem:
We printed 20 trillion dollars of U.S. currency to help pay off the deficit, which we thought would leave us with about 5 trillion extra, but that actually just showed a fundamental misunderstanding of economics.
We invested our endowment with that friendly Nigerian Prince we’ve heard so much about. The money’s coming any day now! (Line cut for time)
We started an earthquake insurance company on the east coast, then hired Mother Nature for a little bit of advertising.
We increased interest in our national pastime across the pond by selling baseball bats in London. That one worked out a little too well.
We changed the national bird from the majestic, expensive bald eagle to the lame, cheap mountain hawk. (Line cut for time)
We cut defense costs by replacing the army with a single guard dog…and the navy with a guard shark.
- We proposed cutting the most inefficient and wasteful branch of government: Congress.
Forming the declining value of the dollar, the Band relays Congress’s message to the American people and plays “Forget You.”
(Band forms dollar sign which turns into cent sign, plays “Fuck You”)
Due to inclement weather, Princeton’s Outdoor Action program was cut short, supposedly ruining lots of bonding time for incoming freshmen. But we hope you didn’t give up too easily, because it’s still possible to get the bonding offered by OA on campus! Here are our suggestions:
Go a week without showering anyway
Have a bonfire on Cannon Green with all the other freshmen (Line cut for time)
Share your meatstick with everyone on campus (Line cut by censors)
Have all the indoor action you want
Jump shake your booty with your professors! I’m sorry, I meant jump JUMP shake your booty (Line cut for time)
Bond over sleeping in uncomfortable and unsanitary conditions – note: this one only works in Wilson College.
If that doesn’t sound appealing, you could always switch to CA…just kidding, that’d be too lame. (Line cut for time)
Make sure to ask upperclassmen tough questions about drinking – like what exactly is in Crystal Light that makes it so delicious?
Bring OA leftovers to the dining hall and enjoy a delicious meal of nutella, gorp, peanut butter, onion, jelly, salmon, and cheese, all wrapped in a tortilla.
Then head on over to Hoagie Haven and try something even grosser – but of course more delicious.
After that, you’ll probably need to go troweling. Brown Hall would be an appropriate place. (Line cut for time)
- Hopefully all these activities help you confront stereotypical freshman issues. For instance, if your high school relationship goes south, you can seek comfort in your relationships with your OA groups. And now that you’re back on campus, your OA leaders aren’t off limits anymore.
Pitching a tent for our OA leaders… (Line cut by censors)
Pitching a tent on OA, the Band plays “Bad Romance.”
(Band forms a tent and plays “Bad Romance”)
Run away Band, this is a mandatory evacuation.
(Band runs away)
Already failing our classes, it’s the Princeton University Band. Featuring the far more talented Tree Street Twirlers!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
Over the summer, the University formally decided to ban members of the class of 2016 from rushing fraternities and sororities during their freshman year. So, in accordance with noted fratstar Isaac Newton’s 3rd law of brotion, every decrease in hazing must be counteracted with an equal increase. As such, the Band has decided to pick up the slack by starting to institute some “bonding” activities for our freshman members. Here are our plans.
Swallow a whole goldfish…cracker. It’s pretty traumatizing when it smiles back at you.
Leave freshmen in a scary place in the middle of nowhere, like Lewisburg, Pennsylvania.
- Subject them to aural torture by letting a bagpipes player into the Band.
Failure to comply with any of these tasks will result in “character-building.”
Forming a paddle, the Band plays “I’ll Make a Man out of You.”
Thank you sir, may I have another…joke?
The Band didn’t really know too much about our opponent today, so we looked up “Bucknell” on Wikipedia. It seems like they really like the word “Buck.” Either that, or someone with an amazing sense of humor edited the page. Here’s what we read:
Bucknell University was founded in 1666, by Bucky the Vampire Slayer. It was voted the 5th best private school in terms of bang for the buck. They use their endowment of 500 million buckaroos to help their aspiring swashbucklers buck up into the world. They calculate their GPA on a 10-point…scale. They have a high-quality study abroad program with The Ohio State University. Go Buckeyes! Athletics are also a powerhouse of the Buck 10 conference. Traditionally, after a bucktory, the fans engage in a tradition called “mounting the bison.” However, this was discontinued after someone kicked the bucket. And impressive alumni include Bucky Holly, Buck Rogers, and Buckwheat.
All in all, it sounds like you would have to be a bucket case to go near this place. Forming a bucket, the band plays Bucket case.
(Band forms bucket, plays “Basket Case”)
Run away band! The buck stops here.
Uncut and uncensored, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
Last year, the Band was heavily censored when we played a halftime show at Columbia, so in response, we’d like to take the low road and make as much fun of Columbia as possible:
Yo alma mater is so prude, it censored the word censorship.
Yo alma mater is so dumb, it was only the 4th highest ranked university in the country.
Yo alma mater’s city is so classless, it borders New Jersey!
Yo alma mater is so large, you have to take a taxi from one end to the other.
Yo alma mater is so socially awkward, even Ahmadinejad didn’t come to dinner.
Yo alma mater’s athletics department is so mean, it even treats its own Band like garbage.
Yo alma mater’s professors are such good dads, they’ll do anything to- I mean for their daughters. (Line cut by censors)
Yo alma mater’s professors are such good dads, they really, really love their daughters.
Yo alma mater is so desperate for ladies, they merged with a whole other school full of them.
Yo alma mater is so similar to Colombia, people in both places have to resort to shady dealings to get by. (Line cut by censors)
- Yo alma mater is so fat, she ate the big apple. Too bad it’s rotten.
Forming a bad apple, the Band salutes the rotten parts of New York – everything between the Hudson and the East River – and plays “The Middle.”
(Band forms apple, gets bite taken out of it, worm comes out, plays “The Middle”)
We heard that Orange Key tour guides are going to get paid for their services. We support this move, because it provides precedent that will allow us to also get paid. There are actually a lot of groups that owe us some money:
Healthy Minds should pay us for stress relief during finals.
The City of Venice should pay us for advertising their hats, thereby keeping their economy above water.
Vogue should pay us for advertising their fashionable plaid styles.
A certain Dean should pay us for babysitting services performed last week.
PrincetonFML should pay us for directing traffic to their site, and Anna Condella should pay us for making her famous.
Princeton University Ballet – the so-called PUB – should pay us for copyright infringement.
- The psychology department should pay us for the experiment we’re performing on you RIGHT NOW.
Forming a Rorshach inkblot, the band asks you to interpret this shape and plays “Any Way You Want It.”
(Band forms inkblot that looks vaguely like a butterfly, plays “Any Way You Want It”)
Run away Band! Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii-de-ho, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Band “marches” on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
Everyone in the Hampton crowd probably wondering what the heck is going on down on the field. You’re probably thinking, “that was the worst marching I’ve ever seen.” Believe me, we could do worse.
In all honesty, you’re probably confused because you’re used to one of the best marching bands in the country, because they’re extraordinarily talented. The Princeton fans are used to one of the best scramble bands in the country, mainly because there are only about 15, so we’re highly ranked by default.
The next question is obvious. What is a scramble band? Rather than focusing on rigid formations, we prefer to tell jokes and act silly on the field. We used to be a regular marching band, but it’s easier to march with adult beverages when you’re not marching in precision.
Why do there seem to be two drum majors? It’s actually to save money – rather than having a color guard, we just have one extra person dancing around superfluously. Plus, it adds to the comedy: he is white and therefore obviously can’t dance. (Section cut by censors)
Now, what’s with the uniforms? The orange plaid – well if you think that’s not in style, there’s something wrong with you! As far as the boater hats – we actually decided just to buy Venice and take all of their hats.
The final question is actually for you to answer. What exactly is happening on the field right now during this scramble? Are we…
Representing what happens when eggs are cooked?
Running from the swarm of bees whose hive we kicked before coming onto the field? (Line cut for time)
In urgent need of the bathroom?
Doing an interpretive dance about the human condition of chaos and disorder?
- Escaping the police because we stole some rich guy’s lawn ornaments to use as trash instruments?
The last option is correct. Forming a jailbreak, the Band plays Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.
(Band forms a jail cell, the bars of the cell are opened, trash escapes, plays “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves”).
We know today is a very important holiday for most people in the stadium. Well, probably not, but it is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. Jews traditionally repent by fasting, but other people must atone in different ways.
Rick Perry must atone for the offensive name of his ranch by being forced to use actual facts in future GOP debates.
Hank Williams Jr. must atone for comparing President Obama to Hitler by actually reading a history book. (Line cut for time)
Those hippies occupying Wall Street must atone for being impoverished and unemployed by getting jobs. Note: this was a joke. (Line cut for time)
Howard and Norfolk State must atone for being terrible by proclaiming Hampton’s dominance.
The Band must atone for shamelessly pandering to the crowd.
Taylor Swift must atone for being so gosh darn cute.
3D Scar must atone for 3D killing 3D Mufasa by going back to 2 dimensions.
- CERN must atone for making particles go too fast by using such particles in the coolest way – a time machine.
Forming colliding particles, the Band wishes for an invention and plays Time Warp.
(Band forms two circular particles, which merge to become a time machine – a clock with the hands turning counterclockwise – and plays “Time Warp”)
With what little time we have left, we’ve been asked to pass along an anti-piracy PSA to all the pirates in the audience:
You wouldn’t steal a treasure chest. You wouldn’t steal a parrot. You wouldn’t steal the name of a wealthy vacation area on Long Island. So why would you download any of the Johnny Depp movies about Captain jack Sparrow? You might get a virus, like scurvy. Or even worse, when the RIAA comes after you…well, why do you think so many pirates have eyepatches or peglegs? Whatever you think, being a pirate is a crime. We know there’s a naval base nearby, but don’t even try to think about running away.
Forming a potential getaway vehicle, the Band salutes Scott Jurgens and plays “He’s a Pirate.”
(Band forms pirate ship, plays “He’s a Pirate”)
Run away band, the police have surrounded the stadium.
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! Okay everyone, it’s time to get happy, because it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
Brown midterms are coming up, and the Band is taking a class called “Modern TV Culture.” The assignment was to create a rap about something we learned from modern TV that involves our communities, so we of course chose Jersey Shore.
Good afternoon to the Brown population.
To the members of the audience I give salutations.
I watched Jersey Shore, I gave into temptation.
It’s taking up all my time, thank god for grade inflation.
They give such good advice, I be taking dictation.
Those Italians are very good at abbreviation.
You gotta GTL all the time, even on vacation.
That’s how you become as cool as the Situation.
I take notes on their nightly altercations.
Snookie got a black eye, like one of those Dalmatians.
Of Jersey people it’s a misrepresentation.
These people are weird by 2 standard deviations.
Snookie fills me with consternation.
But Jwoww’s so hot, I’d give her a carnation.
I can’t interest those ladies in cross-pollenation.
So I just sit around and engage in mastercard purchases.
Though the plot experiences stagnation.
It still deserves an Emmy nomination.
This joke has no more time of duration.
So it’s time for us to get into formation.
For our song “Vehicle”, have anticipation.
Spinning our rims like the cast, the band forms our transportation.
(Band forms bus with spinning rims, plays “Vehicle”)
With the Occupy Wall Street protests gaining steam and spreading to other cities around the country, we’ve noticed some odd adaptations.
-Oscar is occupying Sesame Street to protest the successful green movement, which gives him less trash.
-Consumers are occupying Main Street, U.S.A…to protest the outrageous price of Mickey-related memorabilia. (Line cut for time)
-Ringo Starr is occupying Abbey Road to protest the fact that his career never left.
-Diabetics are occupying Rocky Road when they eat it.
-Band President Nicole Rafidi is occupying Rainbow Road because she really hates that level. (Line cut for time)
-Evangelicals are occupying Broadway because of Book of Mormon…’s lack of ticket availability.
-Philadelphia residents are occupying Market Street to protest the existence of Penn University.
-Road workers are occupying the Road to Hell over the rising cost of good intentions.
-Brown coeds are occupying Easy Street.
-Consumers with taste are occupying Hollywood Boulevard to protest a remake of Footloose. Seriously?
All these protesters seem to have a pessimistic view of the world right now. But the Band disagrees.
Forming a glass half full, the Band plays “I’m a Believer.”
(Band forms glass-half-full, plays “I’m a Believer”)
Run away, Band, before the Brown Band occupies you!
(Band runs away)
Dan Mavraides will inbound. Looking inside, goes out. Here’s Davis. Davis for the win…he’s got it! Princeton is going to the NCAA Tournament! And so did the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
This past week, both Princeton and Harvard announced speakers for graduation in June. Steve Carell will be at Princeton’s Class Day, and Fareed Zakaria will talk at Harvard’s commencement. We think we got the better end of that deal, and here’s why:
Steve Carell played a 40-year-old virgin. Zakaria is one.
Steve Carell played meteorologist Brick Tamland, a news anchor people know more than Zakaria.
Similarly, more people got their news from Carell’s bits on the Daily Show than Zakaria’s actual news show on CNN. (Line cut for time)
Steve Carell didn’t go to Yale. Fareed Zakaria did.
Zakaria has also come at Yale’s graduation speech previously. That’s what she said.
Steve Carell has a Golden Globe award, and 47 other various nominations. Zakaria hasn’t even been in a movie.
Steve Carell is the world’s greatest boss. Fareed Zakaria is the world’s most mediocre anchor.
In high school, Steve Carell was voted funniest class member. Zakaria was voted least likely to ever intentionally make somebody laugh.
Steve Carell is an internationally recognized comedian. Fareed Zakaria resembles a nationally occasionally recognized supposed comedian, George Lopez.
Also, Fareed kind of looks like a broccoli.
Carell’s wife is a very talented lady, as evidence by the movies she’s appeared in. Fareed’s wife is a very talented lady, based on the movies she’s appeared in.
Carell’s mom is very intelligent. Fareed Zakaria’s mom is so dumb, she stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate. (Line cut for time)
- You can’t spell Carell without care. You can’t spell Zakaria without BORING.
Demonstrating our feelings for Fareed Zakaria, the band forms disinterest and plays “The Impression that I Get.”
(Band forms disinterested face, plays “The Impression that I Get”)
We heard that Harvard celebrated a birthday recently: the big 3-7-5. So we thought we’d write you a birthday card.
Happy birthday! Man, 375 years old. We know that 50 is over the hill, but 375 is over the hill, through the woods, to grandmother’s house, and finding out she’s been eaten by a wolf. Maybe we can call you Little Crimson Riding Hood – but nah, Crimson just sounds kind of lame. We always rag on you for having such a non-mascot, but now we kind of understand. 375 years ago, you only had time to pick a color: you were too busy burning witches. But now you should be afraid of other rabble-rousers. After all, Harvard is America’s oldest corporation. That’s the truth. Speaking of truth, don’t you think it’s time to change your motto? Right now, it’s VERITAS, or Truth. But you’re 375 years old. It’s about time you picked dare. Although I guess it was pretty daring to have a cake with 375 candles on it. It’s a wonder that Cambridge didn’t burn down! Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing.
But there are perks to getting old. You can tell us to get off your yahd. You can replace hot breakfast by using the senior discount at Denny’s. And we’ve decided to get you a present! For when you can’t get up, it’s viable as a solution – Life Alert!
Forming Harvard’s reputation screaming “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, the band plays “Wipe Out.”
(Band forms person who has fallen and can’t get up, that also gets decapitated – that was the idea of the people in the head who felt left out of the fun moving parts of the formation – and plays “Wipe Out”)
Run away, Band. The Harvard Band wants a sponge bath!
(This show was announced by both Joseph McMahan ’13 T A and Dillon Reisman ’14 LL, the alternate announcer for the season.)
Joseph: Man, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Dillon: Yeah, I’m just saying, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Joseph: That’s why I said it! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band SCRAMBLES on)
Joseph: Good afternoon everyone. I’m lucky enough to be joined in the press box today by a Cornell student. Okay, let’s get to know you a little bit. What is your major at Cornell?
Dillon: Hotel administration, of course.
Joseph: Wonderful, I’ve been anxious for a couple of mints. So, what exactly is there to do around Cornell?
Dillon: You know, sheep, cows, your basic farm animals, occasionally the exotic llama.
Joseph: (skeptically) Sounds swell. But what about the huge frat scene at Cornell? Are those fun?
Dillon: Actually, after a few days here, I now think Princeton’s frat scene is better.
Joseph: Ah, I assume you’re talking about Princeton’s wonderful eating clubs.
Dillon: No, I’m actually talking about the frats.
Joseph: Interesting. On another subject, have you heard that Ezra Cornell made his fortune with dirty telegraph money?
Dillon: I don’t know what you’re talking about STOP.
Joseph: You know, his telegrams were all “dash, dash, dash”. (Sidenote: dash dash dash is “O” in morse code, so there’s actually a joke even without having the proper inflection. But that joke wasn’t important. The important thing was hearing Joseph orgasm over the loudspeaker. Also having me orgasm in front of Dean Dunne during the censor meeting, and have Nicole nearly leave the room out of embarrassment. And then subsequently hearing Dean Dunne’s and Joe Ramirez’s interpretations of that line. good stuff)
Dillon: Uh, I’ll send a cleaning lady right over, with another box of tissues.
Joseph: Ah, putting those hotelie skills to good use. But otherwise, it sounds like Cornell is pretty awful!
Dillon: No! We have Andy Bernard from the Office.
Joseph: Isn’t he a fictional character?
Dillon: Isn’t your mom a fictional character?
Joseph: No, no she’s not. Do you know what a fictional character is?
Dillon: It just so happens that I have a minor in Fictional Character Studies. There’s a school for that at Cornell.
Joseph: Did you also get a minor in Jerk Studies?
Dillon: No, the program was full! I had to minor in agricultural studies instead.
Joseph: Is that why all your hobbies involve sheep?
Dillon: Well, I never… (gets cut off)
Joseph: We’re done here. Band, form the average Cornell student’s soulmate and play “What is Love”.
(Band forms sheep, plays “What is Love”)
Dillon: Hey, I’m looking for a date to the Orange & Black Ball. Are you coming?
Joseph: Yes, I’m coming, but I’m being very selective about my date.
Dillon: But, but, why?
Joseph: There’s a high probability that I’m going to find my future spouse at this event. (They ACTUALLY SAID THIS on the website for the Orange & Black Ball. They changed it due to immense awkwardness. It was the answer to the “Do I Need A Date?” section. Also, previously, the answer to the “Are the Classifieds in the ‘Need a Date’ Section for Real?” question was yes.)
Dillon: Oh, um, okay.
Joseph: Alright, then I’m gonna go now.
Dillon: Wait! I have something to ask you.
Dillon: Will you go to the ball with me?
Joseph: (after slight pause) Impress me.
Dillon: Well, I have a 3.83 GPA, and perfect teeth! (Origin for this joke)
Joseph: Not good enough! Only 35% of potential dates will be considered.
Dillon: But wait! I wrote you a poem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s midnight and the heat of you stays with me
Uh, uh, I forgot the rest, but you’re really hot!
Joseph: Still no!
Dillon: But I already bought a really cute dress.
Joseph: How cute is it? I only accept strapless, Italian designer dresses with a sweetheart neckline and detailed beading on the bodice.
Dillon: It’s all of those things, and more.
Joseph: Look, I’m flattered, but I really have to go now.
Dillon: Please! If you don’t go with me, my ball will be blue.
Joseph: Can’t you take a hint?! Band, form what no means! (Band forms “NO” on field)
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, form what no actually means, and play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band forms “YES”, plays “Great Balls of Fire”) Line cut by censors for being “too date-rapey”. A fair point.
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band stays in “NO” formation, plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
Joseph: Run away Band!
Dillon: You know what else? Run away Band, too!
Joseph: Man, I hate you.
(Band runs away)
Shaking babies and kissing hands onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, hopefully, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
It’s getting close to Election Day, but the election everyone cares about is a year from today. The Band would like to throw its hat into the ring for the GOP nomination, and we think we’re better than all of the current candidates. Here’s why:
- In health care policy: unlike Mitt Romney, we would make sure that people who can’t afford health care DON’T GET IT. We would also force people to join scramble bands to get exercise.
- In social policy: Rich Santorum would ban gay marriage, but he doesn’t go far enough. We propose criminalizing dancing, the root of all of our social ills.
- In foreign policy: Penn alum Jon Huntsman actually has foreign policy experience. This is clearly a demerit on his GOP resume. We’d rather build relations with China by digging a hole to China.
- In science policy: Rick Perry doesn’t quite believe in global warming. But he’s too soft. We wouldn’t teach anything in schools about either the globe or warmth.
- In economic policy: we have our 69-69-69 plan, which will increase productivity by increasing the number of minutes per hour and seconds per minute to 69. Herman Cain only has the 9-9-9 plan, which would discourage Germans from doing business with us. Though maybe if we combined it with a German song, it could work.
I’ve got it! Saluting another candidate who wants to give you a bigger slice of the pie, the Band forms pizza and plays 9-9-9 Luftballoons.
(Band forms pizza pie, plays “99 Luftballoons”)
Penn is planning to build a new residential building on Hill Field, and is soliciting donors to contribute $50 million to the project in return for naming rights. We’d like to officially announce that we are ready to fork over the cash, so here’s a list of potential names:
- Ben Franklin’s Mistake Building
- The Scourge of Philadelphia Hall
- The “Ivy” School we all ignore…dormitory
- The “Princeton WUZ Here” center
- The Wharton Toolshed
- The Future Greer Cheeseman V Memorial Hall
- The Derek Zoolander Center for Penn Students who can’t read good
- The Octagon Dormitory
- The Ryan Howard is grossly overpaid, had 172 strikeouts last season, and will probably miss the start of the 2012 season…center
- The Trump Center for Chumps
- Penn State Hall
- The Oatmeal Bowl
- The megahazing fraternity rush center
- The Lehman Brothers Quad. Oh wait.
- Your Place
- The Michael Vick Center for Dogs
- The Penn ’15 Club
- The Penn lack of career Center
In fact, Penn’s budget is taking such a pounding that they might have to name their building after Butts. I’m talking of course about Penn alumnus Alfred Butts, the creator of Scrabble. We suggest the Butts Hut.
Forming our proposed design plan, the Band plays “You Can Call Me Alfred Butts”.
(Band forms a butt, plays “You Can Call Me Al”)
Run away, Band! There are about to be a lot more butts on the field.
This incident brings up an important question: what if we’re Justin Bieber’s illegitimate offspring? But no, we don’t have that trademark swoop which started this whole fiasco. Forming Justin Bieber’s hair, the band plays a song by an equally untalented artist: Ke$ha’s “We R Who We R.”
(Band forms Justin Bieber’s hair, plays “We R Who We R”)
Recently, Yale was named the second worst school in terms of animal treatment. It turns out, it’s because they’ve been going around stealing cows and using them in various ways.
- For example, the cows drastically increase the attractiveness of the students on campus.
- They also improve the amorous prospects of the students.
- Constant mooing sounds make for much more intellectual discourse than whatever goes on at Yale.
- The smell of cows is far preferable to the stench of New Haven.
- They really needed to beef up their moo-sic department!
- The only way to convince prospective students that Yale is better than Princeton is with bull.
- Elis need milk for their weak, lame Skull and Bones.
- Cow pies make for much tastier food than what’s served in Yale’s dining halls.
- They want to feed the homeless in New Haven…to the cows.
- In honor of Yale alum George W. Bush’s cattle farm, they’re using a cow as a secondary mascot – in fairness, cows are more intimidating than bulldogs.
- Yale students miss their moms, and the cows remind them of home.
Princeton tied with Yale in this animal mistreatment ranking, but that’s just from stomping on Bulldogs so often. But we’ve got to step up and stop these Yale students from stealing those bovine creatures. Think of the poor cows! Having to live in that prison of a campus! We ought to become the new Ivy that’s willing to punch those cow thieves.
(Band forms concert arc, plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”)
A NEW IVY COW THIEF PUNCHER
OCCUPY NEW HAVEN WITH FIRE
flips to reveal
¡PRINCETON ES NUMERO UNO!
Run away, Band, you know I don’t speak Spanish!
Look, it’s the Princeton University Band! NOPE, Chuck Testa. But actually, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
With Thanksgiving less than a week away, we’d like to explore what Dartmouth students are thankful for around this time of year. Admittedly, we know the list must be small – this is Hanover, after all – but here’s what we came up with:
- Stuffing turkeys
- Tryptophan and the carpet on their girlfriends’ sorority floor
- To eat such a delicious meal before hibernating for the winter
- To be an Ivy League school
- To have a mascot that no longer offends one half of the original Thanksgiving dinner, and instead have the Big Green, which is the color of Ivy – that helps them have cred in the Ivy League.
- Seriously, they should be thankful for being in the Ivy League.
- Farm animals to keep them warm now that the nights are growing colder
- That Fareed Zakaria didn’t go to their school. Because he looks like a broccoli.
- Keggy’s reappearance, not just because Keggy is awesome, but because their romantic lives will improve. Now they can start having one-night keg stands.
Forming a one-night keg stand, the Band plays “Love Drunk.”
The Band would like to turn to an important issue of the day: Reese Witherspoon getting hit by a car. Wait, that’s in the script? That happened over the summer! This is ridiculous, I’m the one with the mic, I can say whatever I want. I’d like to talk about something topical…like ointment.
For example, Head On? That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is…well you get the idea. Now that I think of it, there are plenty of advertisements that really get me riled up.
Like that Geico commercial, where the woman thinks the gecko looks like some dude she had an affair with many years ago. It’s a freaking lizard, how do you make that mistake? And furthermore, who keeps giving that gecko jobs? Lizards don’t function in society!
And that horrible Flo woman from Progressive? You’re supposed to be funny but you’re not freaking funny. Your face looks like a baby that’s spitting up, you have that deer in the headlights look all the time, and you’re horrendously awkward. Go buy some insurance for your career!
JG Wentworth. Don’t even get me started. What are you? After I see your commercials, I think: it’s my time, and I need it back now! And of all the mediums to use, you choose opera? Nobody likes opera! And of the people who do like opera, who will like one about cash now?
Kidz Bop, I hate both Kidz and Bop. Get off of my screen. Your kids are whiny as anything, you take out half of the words to make the inappropriate songs somewhat wholesome.
Those anti-DUI commercials where the alcohol spills out the car window? The first thing I notice is that there are not nearly enough olives for that amount of gin in a proper martini.
And the E-Trade Baby? I understand you’re precocious, but still: where are your parents? Whatever happened to the good old days where kids just sat and watched kids’ shows.
So let’s give the children in the audience an age-appropriate show. Band, form a puppet on the field. Since we’re playing the Big Green, make it Kermit. And play “The Muppet Show.”
And now, on behalf of Princeton University Band Head Manager Matthew “I’m a freakin’ neutrino, baby” Edwards, Student Conductor Jacquelyn “Gives a tour of her… campus” Nestor, Drum Major Alec “no pants, no problem” Slatky, and President Nicole “who the heck just meowed?” Rafidi, this has been your announcer, Joseph “turkey of every year” McMahan, signing off and saying, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.