2011 Pregames

Our announcer for the year is Joseph McMahan ’13

9/17 Lehigh

Enjoying our day so much that all the freshmen should come join our organization, it’s the Princeton University Shameless Plugging Band!

(Band scrambles on)

Princeton University is an extremely diverse campus, with many international students among our ranks. This football game might be their first, so we’d like to take this opportunity to give a short primer on the game.

First, it’s called football. Not American football. Oh, and by the way, the game is played by passing or handing off the ball in an attempt to get to the opposite end of the field. That’s right, I said handing off. So why is it called football again? Don’t ask this question.

You’ll notice that the referees, like they do in many North American sports, are dressed like zebras. This is due to the zebra’s traditional position in nature as the officiator of contests. And of course, as is common in nature, if one of the competitors does not approve of the job the zebras have done, the zebras get eaten.

Princeton played the first college football game, and as such has great fans. The best way to express your support for the team is to take off your shirt and wave it around your head. If you want to, you can also paint your tummy. Painted tummies inspire the team to victory.

If all of this is too confusing, you can just pay attention to the halftime show! Where the band will play music and make formations less complicated than those of the football team, and certainly less complicated than the DOUBLE-DOUBLE-ROTATING P!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back”)

This summer, Princeton lost a great alumnus. Bob Rodgers, class of 1956, could list many titles and accomplishments, including Class President, Reunion Chair, and Chair of the Princetoniana Committee. He was particularly a tremendous friend to the Band, and we had the honor of playing for his 55th Reunion last year. His presence in our lives will be sorely missed, and long remembered. The Band would like to honor Mr. Rodgers and his legacy with the playing of “The Orange and the Black.”

(Band remains in Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays “The Orange and the Black”)

(ROTC presents the colors)

Please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays “Star-Spangled Banner”)

Run away band, I think they’re gonna try to play some football now.

(Band runs away)

 

9/24 Bucknell

Hi Mr. Stella!  It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

Researchers at the CERN lab in Geneva have reported finding a particle faster than the speed of light, potentially undermining many assumptions about physics.  But that’s not the only scientific theory that is about to be contradicted.  The Band has the inside scoop:

  • Gravity says that every object is attracted to all other objects, which is true, except for black licorice.  That stuff is nasty.

  • Coincidentally, evolution was disproved by Michelle Bachman’s mere existence.  How could she be naturally selected for?

  • Inertia says that a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by external forces, but when you rest by going to sleep, you always wake up!  WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!

In these times of uncertainty, there’s only one thing we really know for sure: the Power Rangers are super awesome.

Forming a B for boyhood heroes, the band plays “Power Rangers.”

And now…

Bop it

Twist it

Tickle it

Caress it

Flick it

Rub it

Squeeze it

Spin it

Lick it

Kiss it

Pull it

And double-double-rotating-pass it!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem.

(Band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner”)

Run away, band.  Why?  BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT’S WHY!

 

10/1 Columbia

Collapsing onto the field like the Boston Red Sox, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

The record for a marathon was broken last week by 21 seconds, an extremely impressive feat.  But the Band also has broken some records, and we’d like to tell you about them:

  • We set the record for fewest games watched of the Rugby World Cup.  Yeah, that’s right, there’s a Rugby World Cup going on.  You learn something new every day, huh?
  • We had the highest honey-to-apple ration for our Rosh Hashanah celebration.  That is, just pure honey.
  • We retain our title for hilarity, although the presidential primary debates have given us a run for our money.
  • We have the most enthusiastic Oktoberfest enjoyment, except for us it occurs at the end of May.
  • We took the fewest licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Forming a C for champions, the Band plays “Roar Lion Roar.”

(Band forms C, plays “Roar Lion Roar”)

And now… -Drive-ins -President Truman -The Marshall Plan -Malts -Suburbanization -Senator Joseph McCarthy -The year 5710 -China -My spirit -The Korean War -The Marshall Plan -Charlie Brown

And the Double-Double-Rotating-Princeton Class of 1950!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back”)

Run away Band!  Communism is spreading.

 

10/8 Hampton

Hampton’s Band is too cool for pregame shows. No, but really, they actually are that cool. We got an extra-long halftime show, though!

 

10/15 Brown

Hey there, Brown Band, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

Hi Brown Band.  Did you have a good summer?  Are you still majoring in awesome?  We still have Jessica Kirschner’s brother, and the little Chu!  I had a good time last night, did you?  I liked when we sang.  Remember when we played in the fountain?  That was nice.  You are welcome to go down to Jersey with us anytime.  But maybe we are taking this too fast.  I still don’t know how to feel about the E&M man’s cousin joining us.  Anyway, here’s the question.  Do you like us?  Answer yes, no, or maybe.

Forming a B for best love letter ever, the Band plays the Brown Cheering Song.

(Band forms B, plays “Brown Cheering Song”)

And now…

 

-Popovers

-Turnovers

-With honey

-With peanut butter

-Juice

-With brie

-Cider

-Cider vinegar

-Sauce

-Crisp

-Baked

-Scratch and sniff stickers

-Sliced

-Regular

-Butter

-Bees

 

And the Double-Double-Rotating-Pie!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

Run away, Band.  Stand and cheer for the apples!

(Band runs away)

 

10/22 Harvard

Who wears short shorts?  We wear short shorts, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

Recently, a 100-year-old man completed a marathon, making him the oldest man ever to do so.  Even more absurdly, a pregnant woman finished one, then went into labor almost immediately after.  These are just two in a long list of impressive feats in the history of marathons.

  • Most people know that the very term “marathon” was coined because of Pheidippides, who ran 26.2 miles from Marathon to Athens to announce the Greek victory over the Persians, before he collapsed and died.  But few people know who ran the second marathon – the guy who had to carry his body 26.2 miles back to Athens.

  • Jon Huntsman is running marathons to get from place to place while campaigning in New Hampshire, because he can’t afford a bus.

  • The tortoise and the hare participated in a marathon.  Before either could finish, they both got trampled by the humans also participating.

  • Mitt Romney ran a marathon…of his favorite show, Big Love.

  • One particularly active three-toed sloth ambled 26.2 miles over its lifetime.

  • Steven Hawking rolled a marathon in a time so long, it could be called a Brief History.

  • One time, someone who wasn’t Kenyan won a marathon.  Just kidding, that would never happen.

  • Ron Jeremy ran a three-legged marathon, and unsurprisingly, he came last.

  • Kim Kardashian participated in a charity marathon for ingrown toenail awareness.

  • Everyone who has ever participated in the Boston Marathon was simply trying to get out of Boston.

Forming an H for Hellenic studies, the Band plays “Harvardiana.”

(Band forms lowercase H, plays “Harvardiana”)

 

And now…

  • Mel Gibson

  • Tom Brady

  • Kevin James

  • The Wayans Brothers

  • Charlotte Bronte

  • Reese Witherspoon, again

  • Chris Brown

  • Billy Ray Cyrus

  • Shia Labeouf

  • Justin Bieber

  • Oprah

  • Lindsay Lohan

  • Reese Witherspoon, a third time

  • Russell Crowe

  • The Jonas Brothers

  • Muammar Gaddafi – ooh, too soon

  • Voldemort

  • Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

And the Double-Double-Rotating Pitbull!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

Run away, Band.  This was Ted Kennedy’s state!

 

10/29 Cornell

NOTE: Due to adverse weather conditions, we were unable to perform the following pregame show to allow time for snow removal.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, rhyming’s overrated, it’s the Princeton University Band!  (Line cut because we thought of a funnier come-on line while eating lunch.  even though neither ended up being heard)

I’ve been dreaming of a white Halloween, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

Princeton professor Cornel West has been in the news recently for his arrests during Occupy Wall Street protests, including one outside the Supreme Court.  But his troubles with the law have actually distracted from other more surprising legal issues that Princeton professors have recently had.

  • Peter Singer was arrested for hunting without a license.

  • Joyce Carol Oates was arrested for plagiarism.

  • Paul Krugman was arrested for stimulating packages in public.

  • Robert George was arrested for trying to make fetch happen.

  • Shirley Tilghman was arrested for wearing THAT pantsuit, with THAT blouse…oh god I hope she’s not here!

  • John Nash was arrested, or was he?

Forming a C for crime spree, the Band plays “Give My Regards to Davy”.

And now…

  • Wingdings 1

  • Comic sans

  • Broadway

  • Curlz MT

  • Wingdings 2

  • Agatha’s Massage Parlor

  • Joker

  • Times New Greek

  • Pawprint

  • Wider Latin

  • Wingdings 3

  • French

  • Poorer Richard

  • Your TA’s handwriting

  • CAPS LOCK

  • Wingdings 80

And the double-double-rotating Papyrus!

(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

 

(Band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner”)

 

Run away band, there’s a robot bear behind you.

 

(Band runs away)

 

11/5 Penn

Falling apart onto the field faster than Kim Kardashian’s marriage, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

It’s No Shave November, folks, the month where shaving is ditched in favor of manliness.  There are many famous bearded men who have spoken out in praise of this tradition, but sometimes been misquoted.  Here’s what they actually said:

  • Abraham Lincoln: “Four score and seven years ago was the last time I shaved.”
  • Gandalf: “You shall not groom.”
  • Blackbeard: “RRRR you going to shave?”
  • Karl Marx: “Bearded men of the world, unite.”
  • Moses: “Let my people grow.”
  • Jesus: “Blessed are the bearded, for they shall inherit the earth.”
  • Dumbledore: “It is our choices to grow facial hair, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities to grow facial hair.”

 

Forming a P for pretty nice facial hair, the Band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania!”

(Band forms “P”, plays “Fuck Off, Pennsylvania”)

 

And now…

  • Mayo and Ketchup
  • Turkey and Jalapeno
  • Green Eggs and Ham
  • Mustard and Ice Cream
  • Meatloaf and Caramel
  • Chocolate and Avocado
  • Twinkies and Relish
  • Lo Mein and Barbeque Sauce
  • Bacon and Strawberries
  • Lucky Charms and Sour Cream

 

And the double-double-rotating-pretzels and anchovies!

(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

 

Run away, Band!  Let’s go take a nap.  Seriously.

(Band runs away)

 

11/12 Yale

What are the best three universities in the country?  Princeton, Harvard, and, uh, what’s that third one?  Princeton, Harvard, and, uh, oops!  Anyway, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

 

Yesterday was 11/11/11, which is a historic day, because we won’t see another one for another hundred years – just like today, and tomorrow, and the next day.  Nevertheless, we heard that lots of people were making wishes, so we decided to get into the spirit.  Here are some things we wished for.

  • To have something worth wishing for
  • 3 more wishes
  • A lifetime supply of Cheez-Its
  • A lifetime supply of money
  • An event that will unite the whole campus in a night of classiness, featuring a mashup group
  • For all the alums to enjoy their weekend on campus, with copious amounts of fun.  Liquid fun.
  • Mario in a catsuit again
  • Balls.  Orange and black ones.

 

But since we told you all of our wishes, that means that none of them will come true.  Forming a lambda for lost hopes and dreams, the Band plays “Bulldog.”

(Band forms lambda, plays “Bulldog”)

 

And now…

  • Bowties
  • Horse-drawn carriages
  • The 1%
  • Balls
  • Suspenders
  • Tiffany’s
  • Perrier
  • Ballets
  • Croissants
  • French things in general
  • Brooks Brothers
  • Balloons
  • A Lexus with a bow on top of it for your 16th birthday
  • Grey Poupon
  • British accents

 

And the double-double-rotating-pinkies out!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner.

(Band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner”)

 

Run away, Band, before everyone realizes you haven’t recovered from last night!

 

11/19 Dartmouth

We’re on the road to Veridian…no!  Bad Nicole!  It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on)

 

We’ve heard there may be a person of interest on the field right now, by the name of Nicole Rafidi, who is on the terrorist watch list for being Middle Eastern in public.  Nicole is a 5’9” male 35-year-old grad student.  If you’re trying to arrest her, here are some tips:

  • If at any point during a conversation with the suspect, she meows, do not be alarmed.  This is her normal style of communications.
  • She unleashes her aggression by annoyingly flipping ties in people’s faces or making them say Chubby Bunny.  Sometimes she threatens to cut people’s faces, but to my knowledge, has never done so.
  • She was last seen with hummus and plain nonfat Greek yogurt with goat’s milk.
  • She has a distinctive smell, as evidenced by her expertise in not showering.
  • Her eyes are as big as dinner plates, even though she is Asian.  She is Asian, no matter what she says.
  • She only dines with a couple of accomplices in the Charter Club, which annoys other people, which in turn really annoys her.  Try to infiltrate this circle to learn secrets about her.
  • In the month of January, be on the lookout for lots of lookalikes.
  • If you see any sort of panty line, it’s definitely not her.  She only wears thongs with bows.
  • Be armed with a pug – you can disarm her with cuteness.
  • Her outfits are usually a strange combination of a plaid kilt and a Dratini hat.

 

Forming a D for Dratini, the Band plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”.

(Band forms lowercase d, plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”)

 

And now…

  • Rainbow Road
  • Carlab
  • The ELE department
  • Juice
  • Making sounds while you eat
  • Running
  • Sports
  • IM hockey
  • Being called a tease
  • Males that aren’t Matthew
  • Camping
  • The outdoors
  • Cows
  • Nature
  • Ironically, not Harvest Moon
  • C’s lollipops
  • Jokes about the dynamic of her relationship with Matthew
  • Not touching people
  • Bugs
  • Dogs
  • Facial hair
  • People who hate on video games
  • Popular music
  • Ice cream
  • Joey’s ex-girlfriend Faith
  • The Princeton Charter Club
  • Mississippi
  • The East Coast
  • Seasons
  • Everything

 

And the Double-Double-Rotating Pokeball with Scotty Jurgens inside!

(Band forms double-double-rotating-pokeball, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

 

Give me an S!  Give me an O!  Give me a D!  For more, come see our third quarter performance, and direct any complaints to nrafiki@princeton.edu.