Our announcer for the year is Nicky Robinson ’15.

9/15 at Lehigh

(Our original joke was cut by Lehigh’s censors for poking fun at their “mascot”. The original joke, which was cut in its entirety, follows, followed by the replacement joke).

If you’re a legitimate marching Band, the football field has ways to try to shut that whole fun down. It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “Forward March.”)

Inspired by rapper Niki Minaj’s recent announcement that she’ll be voting for Mitt Romney, The Band decided to seek out the Republican and Democratic National Conventions for ourselves.

Unfortunately, we got a little lost along the way. We arrived at a comic convention, and were convinced that the latest Batman movie was actually about Mitt Romney. Bane was clearly supposed to represent Bain Capital: one has $66 billion in investments, and the other has a creepy face mask. Could they have made it any more obvious? Plus, Bane and Mitt Romney are both mostly machines.

Somehow, after this we found ourselves at CERN, where we accidentally helped discover the Higgs Boson when scientists were inspired by the patterns of our scrambles. The Higgs Boson is extremely hard to find and is — THERE’S A HIGGS BOSON! GET IT! (Drum Major runs and is tackled.) Nobel Prize, here we come!

Next, we found ourselves at the London Olympics. We saw signs for “Race Walking” and assumed the Democrats were making everything about race again. We got there just in time to see the Lehigh Band win in rhythmic twirling. We managed to take the gold in dressage, but the award was taken away after it was discovered that our horse was actually just Sarah Jessica Parker.

By this time, the conventions had ended. So, in salute to the active political debate in our country, the Band forms Clint Eastwood’s Barrack Obama and plays “Basket Case.”

(Band forms empty chair and plays “Basket Case.”)

We were going to make an argument about how we have the fiercer mascot, until it dawned on us – the Mountain Hawk isn’t even a real animal. You can check Wikipedia.

How did you end up with a fake animal? We assume that your previous mascot, The Engineers, tried to genetically engineer a Mountain Hawk, only to be destroyed by their own creation.

But there are plenty of great mascots you could use. You could keep “Mountain” and be:

  • The Mountain Hummingbirds
  • The Mountain Slow Loris
  • The Mountain Chinchillas

Or you could use your name to make a cool sounding mascot! Like:

  • Lehigh Le-low, or
  • Lehigh Ee-eye-oh

You could always use the trusty school color to make a mascot. Like:

  • The Big Brown
  • The Fighting Brown Potatoes
  • The Brown Stools
  • The Plain Brown Boxes
  • The Brown Recluses

Note that we don’t mean the spider, we mean that you’re not very sociable.

But in the end, you can have any mascot you’d like. Forming our impression of a Mountain Hawk – a mountain with wings – the Band plays “Any Way You Want It.”

(Band forms wingéd mountain and plays “Any Way You Want It”)

Run away Band, the Mountain Hawks are coming!

Okay, fine, the Mountain Chinchillas are coming!

(Replacement joke)

As the school year gets underway at both Princeton and Lehigh, the Band wants to make sure that freshmen aren’t missing out on exciting, lesser-known classes. Here’s our list of recommended courses:

  • Political Science 101: Sounding Smart
  • Math 400: When Two Plus Two Doesn’t Equal Four
  • Anthropology 310: An in-depth look at “YOLO”
  • Creative Writing 101: Writing Twilight Slash Fanfiction
  • Film 300: “300”
  • Wumbology 101: The Study of Wumbo
  • Music 306: Yodeling
  • Creative Writing 205: Rewriting the Classics – “The Pun Also Rises”
  • Italian 463: Is It Amore?
  • Comparative Literature 101: Judging Books By Their Covers
  • Art 480: Defense Against the Dark Arts
  • Canadian Studies 101: What It’s All A-boot

In support of the many choices of first classes out there, the Band form our desired grade and plays “A”ny Way You Want It.

(Band forms the letter “A” and plays “Any Way You Want It”)

Run away, Band. You always just end up taking Sociology courses.

(Band scrambles off of field.)

9/21 vs. Georgetown

Spending $50 million of our own money to achieve a 47% rating in the polls, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

Remarkably, the Band recently stumbled upon a copy of an unused Mitt Romney speech. We’ll share it with you now.

“Now, it’s not that I’m only not concerned about the very poor. I’m also not concerned about children. Or workers. Or women. Or voters.

“Corporations are people too. There are many things that are actually people. $100 bills, unfertilized human eggs, even Sarah Jessica Parker.

“I want to apologize about strapping Jack the Bulldog to the roof of my car, given that Jack didn’t make it through. To make up for it, I’d like to suggest some new mascots for Georgetown:

  • Mike the Cat
  • My unreleased pre-2010 tax returns
  • Fox News

“You could always make Paul Ryan your mascot: he’s the hottest thing since Dick… Cheney. Although, to be honest, Scrooge McDuck was my real first choice.

“ Now, I know I haven’t revealed my full economic plan, so let me explain it now. I’m going to fill the deficit by cutting the following things:

  • The Democratic Party
  • Education
  • All entitlements
  • Government

“Furthermore, I think I’ll find great success with my new 5-point plan to pretend to be human.”

Forming Mitt Romney posing as a human being, the Band plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”

(Band forms a stick figure, complete with prop dollar signs, and plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”)

Apple recently shocked the world with the newly-released iPhone 5, which includes such innovative new features as:

  • The ability to make phone calls
  • iTunes compatibility
  • Integrated touchscreen technology
  • Wireless telephonic capabilities – Leave the cables at home, folks!

You know what? NO, Apple. I will not get excited about your iPhone 5. It may be new, but it looks like it runs an iPhone 4 simulator constantly in the background. Instead, consider our suggestions for new iPhone features:

  • An actual airplane mode, able to propel you through the air
  • InstaSpam: It lets you takes pictures of random objects, apply a sepia filter, and then spam facebook with it
  • Jerk-Detector (Warning: this may beep all the time if you’re a Georgetown student.)
  • Words with people you met through that guy at a party that you don’t know all that well
  • Angrier Birds
  • Subway voice translator, turning “Hmmurphadamurlaph” into “Next stop in four minutes.”
  • Internet Explorer 10: Internet Hermit
  • Call Me Maybe? App, which automatically rejects half of all your incoming calls.

Forming an iPhone on the field, the Band plays “Call Me Maybe.”

(Band forms iPhone on the field and plays “Call Me Maybe.”)

Run away Band, Apple might sure you for forming a rectangle with rounded edges.

(Band scrambles off of field.)

9/29 at Columbia

Fizzing onto the field liked a banned 16 ounce soda, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

Along with the recent ban of all sodas larger than 16 ounces, the Band was surprised to find a host of other regulations now in place in New York:

  • Football fields are now limited to 100 ft.
  • Wall Street is now just Fence Street.
  • New York City is too large and had to get rid of something. Sorry Staten Island.
  • Burger King is now just Burger Duke.
  • The City that Never Sleeps now must take regular power naps.
  • The show “Book of Mormon” is now just “Pamphlet of Mormon.”
  • Smart cars are too smart – they’re being downgraded to marginally talented cars.

It protest of these new ban, the Band downs an extra-large cup of soda and plays “It’s My Life.”

(Band forms a soda cup with slowly-decreasing liquid level and plays “It’s My Life.”)

That soda ban is pretty serious. But surely there are better ways to make New Yorkers healthier. Try our ideas.

  • Replace all taxis with giant hamster balls.
  • Loose tigers on the streets of the city. Nothing burns calories like running from a tiger.
  • Make people watch the New York Mets play – making them want to throw up.
  • Replace elevators with the ropes from your high school gym class.
  • Change all up-escalators into down-escalators.
  • Make everyone take part in Nathan’s hot dog eating contest – ensuring that they never eat again.
  • Offer free Zumba classes

We were surprised to see that Sarah Jessica Parker is already working hard pulling a carriage in the city. In tribute to all the pounds we’re going to shed once we start our Zumba class, the Band forms a New Yorker getting healthier and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”

(Band forms human figure with waist decreasing from large to normal and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”)

It’s been a bad week for animals: a baby giant panda cub was lost, and a cat was accidentally euthanized by a veterinarian after it was brought in for a flea bath. To get closer to our animal friends, here are some group meetings you might be interested in:

  • Marsupials and Me
  • Pop Dancing: Oppan Doggie Style
  • Alligators Anonymous
  • Writing halftime scripts: fishin for puns
  • Lions and Cheetahs: How to Deal with Dishonest Animals
  • Undersea Sponges, Starfish, and Land-Squirrels: Overcoming Pop-Culture Stereotypes
  • Cows: From Bovine to Devine

Everyone should try to be more like the man who jumped into a tiger enclosure at the zoo so that he could “be one with the tiger.” Forming a fierce tiger that looks suspiciously like a kitten, the Band plays “Eye of the Tiger.”

(Band forms cat’s face and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”)

Run away Band, it’s time for your flea bath.

10/06 at Lafayette

Stealing from the rich and giving to political campaigns, the Band forms duplicating dollar signs and plays “Robin Hood.” Please welcome the Princeton University Band, under direction of Drum Major Joseph McMahan [’13].

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

(Band forms a dollar sign that parts into two dollar signs and plays “Robin Hood.”)

(Band scrambles off of field.)

Leave a Reply