Our announcer for the year is Alex Smith ’15.
Lehigh – September 21, 2013
Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward.)
We hope you’re enjoying todays game between the Tigers and the Lehigh Mountain Hawks. Did you know that the Mountain Hawk is not a real animal? This is it’s legend.
There once lived a Mountain Hen and a Mountain Gamecock who begat a Mountain Hawk. They all lived in a Mountain Box on a Mountain Rock. The Mountain Hawk invested in some Mountain Stocks of Mountain Socks. He made a lot of money, married a beautiful wife with Mountain Locks, and founded Lehigh for the Mountain Jocks. But then Mountain Crocs came into fashion, driving down the Mountain Stocks of Mountain Socks and the Mountain Hawk lost his money. The poor Mountain Hawk was moping one day when Miley Cyrus riding a mountain wrecking ball swung out of nowhere and clobbered him.
The band forms Miley’s wrecking ball and plays “Great Balls of Fire.”
(Band forms a wrecking ball and plays “Great Balls of Fire.”)
Lehigh has their imaginary Mountain Hawk, but even Princeton has many imaginary things of its own, such as:
- members of campus club
- Slavik language majors
- President Shirley Tilghman
- people who did all the reading
- people who think Forbes is worth the walk
- means of egress that are visible as such
- women at the d bar
- Jeff Nunakawa’s sleeves
Believing that maybe Jeff has a shirt with sleeves somewhere, the band forms Jeff’s hypothetical t-shirt and plays “I’m a Believer.”
(Band forms a t-shirt with sleeves that disappear to form a tank top and plays “I’m a Believer.”)
Run away band. How could Jeff show off his guns if he wore sleeves?
Georgetown – September 28, 2013
Because Georgetown’s athletics department are a bunch of losers, they wouldn’t let us do a show. Nonetheless, we remain undefeated.
Columbia – October 5, 2013
Fighting the mole people of the New York subway system since 1919, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
Columbia has a pretty diverse student body, but there’s one demographic that is completely left out: ghosts. The ghosts feel like they’re being unfairly discriminated against just because they’re dead. And not only that, but they’re being stopped, frisked, and busted by the Ghostbusters.
The ghosts realized they could fight back when they discovered that ghost busting technology is very effective on Columbia students, since they’re dead on the inside.
The epic battle climaxed when somebody summoned a giant cube of tofu that represented the ideals of Columbia students and it stomped around New York for several nights. Columbia eventually gave in and gave all ghosts a free ride to the University.
Forming a ghost, the band plays “Free Ride.”
(Band forms a ghost and plays Free Ride)
Ghosts are not the only mysterious things in New York. There’s an incredible number of sketchy things that can be found underneath New York, such as:
- subway sandwiches
- masonic treasure to be found by Nicholas Cage
- New Jersey
- folded pizza
- Columbia’s stollen nutella
- Anthony Weiner — well, technically he was on top
- a colassal septic tank
- Columbia University
- the Mets, and
- 200 million rats
But when those rats hear the Princeton Band, we’ll make them dance. Forming a dancing rat, the band plays “Land of 1000 Dancing Rats.”
(Band forms a dancing rat and plays “Land of 1000 Dances”)
He was a tight-jeaned, vegan lion working in a hipster coffee shop in Williamsburg for minimum wage. She was a ferocious tiger from India with a large tail, sharp teeth, and a fearsome growl. He was jaded by the dating scene and looking for something a bit more alternative. She could run up to 60 miles per hour and had been on the cover of National Geographic. They had nothing in common.
He took her to his favorite restaurant. “What’s your favorite Wes Anderson film?” he asked. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr,” she replied.
It shouldn’t have worked. Spoiler alert: It didn’t. The tiger ate the lion, and they still had nothing in common.
Forming a dead lion, the band plays “What is Love.”
(Band forms a dead lion and plays “What is Love”)
Run away band, feeding time is over.
Lafayette – October 12, 2013
Teaching your child how to forget you, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
We’d like to welcome all the parents to today’s game! We know you’re probably worrying about your child, but we’re here to reassure that everything is ok.
We bet you’re worrying a lot about diseases, especially with the meningitis outbreak. But it’s ok, there’s no way your child is sharing cups with anyone because they don’t have any friends.
Academics is sure to be another area for worry. But we assure you that your child is not failing any classes, because they missed signups and aren’t in any. Also, they got their first test back today, and it was positive.
And parents always worry about partying. But your child definitely isn’t drinking because they can’t even get into the sign-in eating clubs.
Your child is fine in their new living situation as well: They never run out of laundry because they never change their pants. And they don’t have to worry about getting locked out because they never make it back to their room — just kidding, it’s because they never leave.
Your child has had a great first month at Princeton, it’s too bad they can’t remember it. Forming your child’s memories, the band plays “Forget You.”
(Forming a question mark, the band plays Forget You.)
As you may have heard, the band was banned from Lafayette for several years. Over that time,
we came up with lots of great jokes about them. They may be a bit antiquated, but we’re excited to get to share them now.
- The average Lafayette student is fatter than the federal budget surplus.
- Lafayette students caused the Y2K crisis because they can’t count to 2000.
- Lafayette students do worse in their internships than Monica Lewinsky — and spend less on their dry cleaning.
- The Lafayette band is so bad that the Spice Girls and ‘N Sync gave up on music and broke up.
- Lafayette students are dumber than George W. Bush
- The Marquis de Lafayette’s favorite Pokemon is Mr. Mime.
- Lafayette students are so dumb they think Roe vs Wade is about how to cross rivers.
Wow, remembering all these events has made us wistful for the 90s. In honor of the 90s, the band forms a Tamagotchi and plays “(You Drive Me) Crazy.”
(Band forms Tamagotchi and plays Crazy)
We recently read that some rural areas of Colorado want to secede from the state because it’s become too liberal. They want to either start there own state or join Wyoming. Because nothing empowers a people like joining Wyoming… Besides, we know Wyoming and Colorado won’t go for it — both states are nice rectangles already.
But despite Colorado’s struggles, there have been a lot of other secessions recently.
- Congress seceded from America, and America had a day of celebration.
- Lafayette seceded from France.
- Texas finally seceded from the Union — wait no, the Union seceded from Texas.
⁃ Jeff Nunakawa’s sleeves seceded from his shirt.
- Harvard seceded from the Ivy League — actually, they were just taking a year off for honor code violations
- Forbes seceded from Princeton — that’s what we heard anyway, news travels slowly from over there.
The band wishes the Coloradans the best of luck, because everybody needs a place to call home. Forming Colorado and Wyoming, the band plays “Everybody Needs Somewhere to Love.”
(Band forms Colorado and Wyoming and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love.” People move from Colorado to Wyoming)
Become a part of the trend, band. It’s time to secede from the field!
Brown – October 19, 2013
Darn it, we forgot to write a come on line. It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
When we heard that Brown’s mascot was the bear, it reminded us of our favorite nursery rhyme. It’s been a while, but we recall it goes something like this:
Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?
I see a tiger, eating me.
Tiger, tiger, what do you see?
I see the happiest students in America looking at me.
Happy Brown students, what do you see?
We see the gray smoke of our . . . tobacco.
Gray smoke, gray smoke, what do you see?
I see a giant blue termite looking at me.
Nibbles Woodaway, what do you see?
I see students passing classes with C’s.
Students in pass/fail classes, what do you see?
We foresee never being taken seriously.
There sure is a lot to be seen in such a tiny state! Using our eye to see everything we can, the band forms an eyeball and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”
(Band forms eyeball and plays “Eye of the Tiger”)
We thought the Nobel prizes were nice and everything, but there are a lot of prizes we think should exist that don’t.
- The Nobel prize in winning elections goes to the president of Azerbeijan, for winning the day before voting started.
- The Nobel prize for being an island goes to Rhode Island.
- The prize for overcoming diversity goes to the one armed man from Belarus who figured out how to applaud . . . and then got arrested because applause is illegal there.
- The Nobel Peas Prize goes to Gregor Mendel.
- The prize for confidence in body image goes to Brown for their nudity week.
And we’d like to award Congress the Nobel prize for absolutely nothing since they were effectively just on holiday vacation for the past three weeks. Forming a medal, the band plays “Holiday.”
(Band forms a medal and plays “Holiday”)
The nation’s been in tears ever since Air Canada lost it’s passenger’s greyhound dog. But we weren’t surprised: Last time we flew Air Canada, they lost a ridiculous amount of stuff.
- They lost all our clothes — even the ones we were wearing.
- They lost our gallon sized bag of four ounce containers of liquid.
- They lost our maple syrup. Actually, I’ll bet those darn Canadians stole it. The hosers are probably drowning their pancakes in it right now.
- They lost our bear carcasses, but I’m sure we’ll get a few new ones today.
- They lost our minds — wait no, we lost those a while ago.
And worst of all, they lost all of our snakes. Forming an airplane, the band plays “Snakes on a Plane.”
(Band forms an airplane and plays “Snakes on a Plane”)
Run away, band! The snakes got off the plane! Oh, God, run run run run run!
Harvard – October 26, 2013
Today’s show is brought to you by the number two! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
Let’s just address the elephant in the room and get this over with: Harvard’s ranking has fallen to number two on the US News and World Report.
But it’s not the end of the world: We see a lot of potential in all the new students joining Harvard this year. We’re not talking about the class of 2017, we’re talking about all the students who took last year off to get educated in other areas of life, such as learning about Congress, finding full time jobs, and exploring the more complicated realms of moral philosophy.
Taking time off from school can obviously lead to personal growth, but — call us old fashioned — we believe in going to school for four years without breaks. But it’s ok, we’re not angry, we’re just disappointed. Forming a frowny face on the field, the band plays “Johnny B. Goode.”
(Band forms a frowny face and plays “Johnny B. Goode”)
We’d like two apologize for making fun of Harvard, especially their respectable ranking, in the last joke. It feels like we’re trying two hard and this is definitely two soon. We’re clearly trying two kill two birds with two stones.
Before we get two ahead of ourselves, we’d like two stop and mention that Harvard has at least two great things about it. For example, we went two the ballet last night and it was really great, although there were two many two–twos.
Oh dear, now we’d like two apologize for making two two jokes. Is that two two jokes two many?
Not stopping after it’s already gone two far, the band forms a two on the field and plays a twone entitled Two .. four one.
(Band forms the number two and plays “241”)
Ok, we swear we’ve gotten a grip on ourselves now. Let’s talk about something more sophisticated, like investments. We hear Harvard invests in Argentinian timber companies that are messing up the wetlands.
Harvard has lots of shady investments; instead of more useful things, like a real mascot or blinders for every student to wear during exams, they’ve actually invested in a sequel to The Social Network that doesn’t make them look evil, Jeff Nunakawa’s sleeves, and Human Beard Hormone for the Red Sox.
Exposing Harvard’s shady investments, the band forms a hormonally enhanced beard and plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”
(Band forms a beard and plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”)
Run away band, as fast as your two little legs can carry you!
Cornell – November 2, 2013
Addressing the mystery and urgency of water, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
While researching our opponent, we learned that Cornell has an orchard dedicated to growing the perfect apple. That made us wonder: what’s our perfect apple? We thought we’d try to find it, so we posted an ad on craigslist. It reads:
Sexy band seeking apple. We want
A very kinky apple
The kind you don’t take home to mother
Who will never let your spirits down
Once you get it off the tree . . . ow, yeah
At last, we found our perfect apple, and it wasn’t in Cornell’s orchard. Forming our perfect apple, the band plays “At Last.”
(Band forms an apple and plays “At Last”)
We recently stumbled upon the twitter page of the Cornell Penguin. Here are some of its tweets.
- What’s black and white and red all over? #the cornell penguin
- OMG just milked a cow #milk
- got mistaken for a concierge #hotel administration #tux problems
And, most depressingly,
Why am I stranded in the middle of nowhere? #cows everywhere #milk
Understanding the Cornell Penguin’s plight, the band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle.”
(Band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle”)
When we learned that Cornell is in Ithaca, we were a bit confused — we knew Cornell was far away, but we didn’t think it was in Greece. But the two Ithacas aren’t actually that different.
I give you: The Odyssey of Cornell
First, Cornell fought a war against Ithaca College. They tried to sneak in by hiding in a Trojan horse with a note that said “From your friendly RCA,” but it broke and Ithaca College’s population doubled.
Some students took a voyage across Lake Cayuga, but were lured to the shore by the sweet song of the Cornell marching band, who promptly devoured them.
Some other students were trapped in a hotel by its blind manager. Fortunately, a herd of cattle ambled through the lobby, and the students could escape by clinging to the cows’ undersides.
In honor of Cornell’s epic odyssey, the band forms the underside of a cow, #udder, and plays “Moos-cow.”
(Band forms an udder and plays Moskau)
As the band forms a 42 in honor of Dick Kazmaier and plays “The Orange and the Black,” please direct your attention to the video board.
(Band forms 42 and plays O & B March)
Penn – November 9, 2013
Drink a high ball and be jolly! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Forward”)
Oh my god, Alexander Hamilton, look at Ben Franklin’s stomach. It is so rotund. [scoff] It looks like one of his buttons is just gonna … pop off. And I mean, that button, is just so big. I can’t believe it’s just so round.
I like big buttons and I cannot lie
It’s better than an unzipped fly
When Ben Franklin walks in with his big shirt and waist
And those buttons in your face
It gets sprung, across locust walk
Then Ben Franklin resets your clock
Forming Ben Franklin’s button popping off, the band plays “99 Luftbuttons.”
(Band forms Ben Franklin and plays “99 Luftbalons.” Button pops off)
There once was a man named Jed
Who at a Penn game got hit in the head
It was a large piece of toast
Now of strength he can’t boast
Because thanks to the toast he is dead
You see the thing about toasted bread
Is it’s just as deadly as bullets of lead
So to Penn we suggest
To use what is best
And throw out some oatmeal instead
Your oatmeal addiction’s widespread
It ensures all of the students are fed
Your mascot’s nutritious
And super delicious
You even have enough to have your own brand.
Forming a bowl of oatmeal, the band plays “Gimme Some Oatmeal.”
(Band forms a bowl of oatmeal and plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”)
Run away band, it’s time to let the real oatmeal back onto the field.
λale – November 16, 2013
It’s not a party if it happens every night! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
In recent news, the British Parliament has been invaded by mutant rats. The rats are immune to poison, so they had to bring in cats to deal with them.
But that’s nothing! Here in America, mutant Yale students have escaped New Haven and are terrorizing the populace. They’ve been inundating civilians with poorly written plays and just generally spreading filth and contamination.
We know one has been pooping in people’s laundry.
How did the Yalies mutate? It must just be something about New Haven.
Forming a mutant Yale student, the band plays “Toxic.”
(Band forms mutant Yale student and plays “Toxic”)
This fall, a group of explorers from all the Ivy League schools went on an expedition to the arctic. There were two primary goals of the expedition. First, they needed to find a new campus for Dartmouth since global warming has made Hanover too warm. Second, the Northern Lights mysteriously went out, so the Yale explorers brought some fireworks along to try to replace them.
At first the expedition was uneventful, except for a mishap where one of the Yalies pooped in someone’s laundry.
Upon reaching the arctic, the explorers found some adorable seals. They decided to bring back the seals so that Harvard could have a real mascot. But the stupid Yalies put the seals in the helicopter with the fireworks. Then someone lit a match, and the whole thing exploded.
(Band forms concert arc, plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra)
Flashers spell out
YOU DETONATE SEALS
which anagrams to
SEND YALE OUT TO SEA
which flips to reveal
3 CHEERS 4 OLD NASS!
Run away band, the seals have come back from the dead. And they’re angry. Very angry.
Dartmouth – November 23, 2013
Traveling North of the wall, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Forward”)
Holy sheep! It sure is freezing up here.
Your alma mater’s so cold that every time you shower it’s a polar plunge.
Your alma mater’s so cold it won’t return any of my texts.
Your alma mater’s so cold that my tongue gets stuck to it whenever I lick it.
Your alma mater’s so cold you could use your nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
Your alma mater’s so cold that none of the students are hot.
It’s so darn cold here that we’re getting sad and turning blue. Forming a thermometer to measure the temperature, the band plays “Basin Street Blues.”
(Band forms thermometer with a decreasing level and plays “Basin Street Blues”)
Recently we got to wondering, if there was an epidemic at Dartmouth like there is at Princeton, what would it be? Possibly frostbite. Or maybe meningitis, since we just brought it here. Or there’s always the dreaded talking-like-Doctor-Seuss disease. Oh no, I feel myself catching it now!
My hands are trembly, my voice is getting hoarse
I’m saying my words with way to much force
I have a high fever and a spotty green rash
And an insatiable craving for cans of Who Hash
Just give me some bubbly, some fubbly, some froo
A dash of hat papper and a pinch more of smoo
The doctors are here now, time for me to go
It’s sure nice of them to let me finish this show
Forming the bacteria taking over my body and making me go crazy, the band plays “Basket Case.”
(Band forms a bacteria and plays “Basket Case”)
Now, on behalf of head manager Tyler Davis, feeder of mouths and queen of verse; conductor Bryan Jacobowitz, master of sticks and prince of beards; president Amanda Lawrence, drummer of steel and dame of laughs; and drum major Nicky Robinson, writer of clues and king of clothes; this is your announcer, Alex Smith, mather of math and lord of this PA, signing off. I may not have been good, but I definitely had enthusiasm.
The following was the original first joke from the pregame show, but it was cut in its entirety.
Ladies and gentlemen, this Tuesday at 2 am your favorite band president, Amanda Lawrence, will make her debut in an exciting new TV show: The Amanda Show!
In episode one, entitled “What of the black Jewish woman?”, Amanda explores her Jewish roots and what it means to be the only Jew in Dominica.
Get the inside scoop on Amanda’s bar mitzvah and watch as she changes from a little girl into a man, throwing away her childish desire to become a doctor. Instead she chooses to not help people and to go where the real money is by pursuing a career in music.
Finally, witness Amanda discovering the true meaning of Hanukkah. Forming a Dreidel in celebration of our favorite orange and black Jew, the band plays “Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah” and “Dreidel, Dreidel.”