2013 pregames

Our announcer for the year is Alex Smith ’15.

Lehigh – September 21, 2013

(Lehigh did not do a pregame show at this game, so we performed an extended pregame show.)

Marching onto the field like a real marching band, it’s the Lehigh Marching 69!

(Band begins to march on.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, please admire the Leh-High marching band! We are Leh-Hiff, nobody could be more Leh-Heesh than us.
What are our colors? Brown and yellow! See, we are Leh-Hig-huh! Please ignore that we’re wearing orange and black, it was a horrible laundry accident. And regarding the tall hats that we at Lafayette generally wear, well, they got squashed by a giant baguette.
Our marching lines may look bad, but please! It’s Leh-Hiff’s new avant-garde style.
Now watch in amazement as the Leh-High Marching 69 forms a square and plays “Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem” in honor of our hometown.
(Band forms a square and plays “Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem.”)
March off the field, Leh-Heesh, like a real marching band!
(Band marches and then scrambles off to line up again.)
Not fooling anyone, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Cannon.)
With the installation of President Eisgruber tomorrow, the band thinks it’s important to come up with a nickname that he will be known by throughout his career. Here are our suggestions:
Vanilla Eis
Eis eis baby
Eisengoober
Chrisy chrisy
Eisenhower
The Grubinator
Chris Christie
Eisgrubbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Shirley 2.0
Khalesi
C-dizzle
E-grizzle
Grubbsy
Please don’t cut the bands budget
Grub a dub dub
Grubber ducky
Your majesty
Darth Gruber
Or, just call him Al
In honor of Princeton’s new President and his many possible nicknames, the band forms Christopher Eisgruber and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”
(Band forms a smiley face and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”)
The band had a very eventful summer. Among other things, we used our Amazon student subscription to get two day delivery for the royal baby. Since we were so helpful, we thought we should get to name the baby. Our ideas included Prince, South East, and Steve.
The band also starred in a Robert Thicke music video this summer — we tried to twerk but it got censored.
Then, to celebrate legal gay marriages in California, we took a road trip to California and all got gay married and then honeymooned in Utah.
Finally, it was time for all of us to go back to Nassau Hall.
(Band forms the double double rotating P and plays “Going Back.”)
[At this point the stadium announcer took over and we had a moment of silence and then played the Anthem.]

Georgetown – September 28, 2013

Because Georgetown’s athletics department are a bunch of losers, they wouldn’t let us do a show. Nonetheless, we remain undefeated.

Columbia – October 5, 2013

Try our garlic bread! It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Cannon)
Presenting itself as a mayoral candidate, the band turns to Columbia.
(Band plays parody of Roar, Lion, Roar)
Since the government is still shut down, we took it upon ourselves to come up with a plan for the future of America. We invited all of the Princetonian politicians back to campus (we know they weren’t the ones causing the problems) and Ben Bernanke led us in a meeting dubbed the Princeton University Summit to Solve the Issue.
The decision of said summit was that Princeton would unite with the rest of the Ivy League, except Columbia since they don’t have anything useful — not even hotel administrators! We would all live off our endowments while the rest of the country withered and died. President Eisgruber’s throne from the installation has been brought back out and he is now reigning Grand Emperor over the country.
Expressing our pride in our newly founded nation, the band forms a P for Princeton and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the national anthem by the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays the anthem)
Run away band, the game is going to start. [Sing:] It’s time to say goodbye. We’ll see you at halftime.

Lafayette – October 12, 2013

Practicing our last in, first out data structures, it’s the Band University Princeton!
(Band marches on to Cannon)
Now the band turns to Lafayette and definitely does NOT play the national anthem of the United States. This is the FRENCH national anthem, for Lafayette. And it’s not veterans day. Please please don’t get that confused.
(Band turns to Lafayette stands and plays French national anthem)
Hello parents! We’re sure you’re really proud that your child is now at Princeton. And we bet you went through all their old school work after they left for New Jersey. We went through our old schoolwork too, and found a report about Leopards that we wrote in third grade. It goes like this:
Leopards are like kitties, but bigger and more ferociouser. They are thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big. And they have wings — they’re what Hercules rode around on. Leopards are also good house pets. They’re also an engendered species, so remember that they are friends, not food.
Romans called them Panthera Pardus, but they’re so not panthers. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have Google. Their main predator is the cougar. That’s also what I heard my mom call Marcy’s mom one day. Maybe she likes eating leopards?
And most importantly, remember that tigers can always defeat leopards.
We got a D on that paper, but we still got into Princeton! Grateful that we got to go to Nassau Hall, the band forms a P for the grade we should have gotten and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms DDRP and plays Going Back)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the national anthem by the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays the anthem)
Fly away band, riding on your winged leopard.

Brown – October 19, 2013

Currently crossing the border from Massachusetts to Rhode Island, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Forward)

Setting the Brown parents into Brownian motion, the band turns to the Brown stands.

(Band plays Brown fight song)

You may have heard that the actor playing the lead role in 50 Shades of Grey has pulled out. That’s because he left to star in our new film, 50 Shades of Brown!

It starts as two Brown students struggle to locate Rhode Island. After finding it, they try to go to classes, but for some inexplicable reason, they just can’t. But no one else notices, because they aren’t going to class either.

While on their journey, the two students hear they should be doing something mysterious called work. Never having heard the word before, they get it confused with another word they know all too well — twerk.

We’re expecting our movie to get a rating of Pass on IMDb, but if it doesn’t, I guess we can always return to Nassau Hall. Forming a P for the rating our movie probably won’t get, the band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”

(Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back)

Run away band, you’ve overcrowded the state.

Harvard – October 26, 2013

It’s coming: The Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Cannon)
While more respectable schools such as Brown and MIT have been celebrating parents weekend, Harvard has spent the week celebrating sex week. We read about some of the intriguing events online. “Sex, Sass, and Soul” caught our eye with its promise of “sexy homemade desserts.” We’re not exactly sure what constitutes a sexy dessert, but we have a few guesses, including American Pie, French Hershey’s kisses, bananas, and of course,
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like, it’s better than yours
Damn right, it’s better than yours
I could teach you but I’d have to charge
Among the other events of the week, the band was saddened to see “Love your Body Day.” We love our bodies every day, but maybe that’s just because everyone at Princeton is just so darn good looking. We can’t wait to go back and see them. Forming an upside down B for our beautiful bodies, the Band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away band, or your beauty will distract from the game.

Cornell – November 2, 2013

You get a tub of vaseline, and YOU get a tub of vaseline! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Cannon”)
Turn around band, and plagiarize an already plagiarized fight song.
(Band turns to Cornell and plays “Davy”)
We’re so excited that the government is functioning once again! We’d like to list everything that the government has done since regaining funding.
(Band freezes — silence)
Oh yeah, and they released a terrible health care website.
Instead of doing nothing, we wish that they had done something useful, such as ending world hunger. They could have at least made us some sandwiches. We’ve been on break all week without a meal plan.
They could also have celebrated the reopening of the national parks by making a memorial to Jeff Nunokawa’s sleeves.
Or, to show some true Halloween spirit, they could’ve temporarily changed the country’s colors to orange and black, like Princeton did. Forming a P for a more spirited and highly functioning organization, the band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the National Anthem by the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays the anthem)
We’re sorry band, you’re no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Model. Please pack your bags and get off the field.

Cornell – November 9, 2013

Riding our big-[beep] barge onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band marches on to Cannon) We read that Penn’s Student Activities Council instituted a moratorium on funding for new student groups to prevent bankruptcy. That’s so sad! Now they can’t start the Better Breakfast Bureau, which would search for breakfast foods that are more nutritious than oatmeal. They should also start a seismology club. Get it? Because they’re quakers. Heh heh heh. Or how about the Spanish Inquisition? Weren’t expecting that, were you? We’re sure glad we go to a school where we can start any student group we need to. Forming a P for Princeton Rocks and Penn Sucks, the band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.” (Band plays “Going Back”) Run away band, winter is coming!

λale – November 16, 2013

Painting you green and spanking you like a disobedient avocado, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Band marches on to “Canon”) Throwing the bulldogs a stick … of dynamite, the band turns to the Yale stands. (Band plays “Bulldog” parody) We’d like to welcome everyone to Homecoming! Perhaps you’re wondering how Homecoming got started. Allow us to explain. In the druid zodiac, October is the month of the Bulldog and November is the month of the Tiger. As the year shifts from the Bulldog to the Tiger, the tigers attack and kill the bulldogs, coming back home with their dead bulldogs as trophies. Hence the name “Homecoming.” As evolution ran it’s course, some tigers evolved into Princetonians and some bulldogs evolved into Yalies. After we turned from tigers to people, we decided it was inhumane to travel up to New Haven and kill all the Yalies every November. Instead, we now celebrate Homecoming with food, beer, and a violent ceremonial dance we call “football.” In honor of humane Homecomings, the band forms a “P” for “Princeton kicks the Bulldogs’ tails” and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”) Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the presentation of the colors by the Princeton ROTC and the playing of the National Anthem by the Princeton University Band. (Band plays the anthem) Run away band, I think that was some bulldog slobber from the Yale stands that just hit your heads.

Dartmounth – November 23, 2013

With all the hatred we inspire and the love we desire, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on playing “Amanda Show”)
This Tuesday your favorite band president, Amanda Lawrence, will make her debut in an exciting new TV show: The Amanda Show! In episode one, entitled “What of the Dominican woman?”, you’ll watch as Amanda, initially planning to be a doctor, quickly decides she would rather not help people and instead goes where the real money is by pursuing a career in music. But no real orchestras for Amanda! She prefers strange groups like the Princeton University Band.
Keep following Amanda as she finds her dream job working at the Center for Jewish Life. She loves it because she gets a nice name tag on her desk so people don’t have to ask her to explain her Dominican pronunciation.
Helping Amanda throw a Hanukkah celebration at the Center for Jewish Life, the band forms a dreidel and plays “Oh Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah” followed by “Dreidel, Dreidel.”
(Band forms a dreidel and plays “Oh Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah” followed by “Dreidel, Dreidel”)
In episode 2, Amanda will show us around her home country of Dominica. You’ll see the beautiful black sand beaches and you’ll meet several exciting guest stars, including David Ortiz, Sammy Sosa, and Rihanna. Oh wait, that’s the Dominican Republic.
Afterwards, Amanda will play a concert on her steel drums, or as she calls them, steel pans. Once she’s done, she might even use the pans to cook you some of her famous meat. And then she’ll make you eat it.
Celebrating Amanda’s journey from Dominica to Princeton, the band forms a Double-Double Rotating Flag of Dominica and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating Flag of Dominica and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away band, or Amanda will make you [censored] her [censored].
(Censored parts will be bleeped out)