Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents Philosophy 101.
This halftime show is worth three credits for hotel management majors.
The study of philosophy requires a keen mind, a probing intellect, and a calm logical approach to complex problems.
(Band runs screaming onto the field)Early philosophy was rather crude by today’s standards. Instead of declaring “Cognito ergo sum,” Stone Age man asked, “Is my brontasaurus done yet, honey?” Other burning questions of the day included, “How many saber tooth tigers can dance on the head of a pin?” and “If a pteradactyl falls in a petrified forest, and man hasn’t evolved yet, does it make a sound?” Forming a cave on the field, the Band pays a musical tribute to the first family of Stone Age philosophy.
(Band forms cave)
Take the Ancient Greek empire. Please. No, really. Where would philosophy be without the principles of democracy, self reliance, individual freedom, and of course, that great fashion equalizer, the toga party? In Greece, philosophy and religion went hand-in-hand. There was Athena, goddess of wisdom, Poseidon, god of the sea, Sagan, god of the cosmos, Cornella, goddess of animal husbandry, and of course, Ithaca, goddess of…nothing. Forming a Doric column on the field, the Band salutes our favorite Greek God — Dionysius, and we invite you to drink from the fountain of knowledge.
(Band forms an oh-so-phallic Doric column)
Having drunk freely from that fountain of knowledge, the Band has developed its own philosophy of life. Here are a few of the rules we
- You can’t regret what you don’t remember.
- You can’t remember what you force yourself to forget.
- It’s only funny until someone loses an eye…and then it’s really funny.
- The road to hell is paved with astroturf.
- And sometimes, music is not pretty, shown here.
Playing the song that epitomizes our philosophy of life, the Band would like to remind you that “Kant means won’t.”
(Band forms blob)
And we’ll leave you with this stumper: (Band yells “Stumper? Don’t even know her!”) “If God had wanted the Cornell band to exist, then why did he invent natural fabrics?”
THE HOLY CROSS SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
September 24, 1988
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
September 24, 1988
Ladies and gentlemen, in its 69th season, the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward”(In the “Church Lady” voice)
Who taught you to march like that, mmmm Band? Was it John Philip Sousa? No, I don’t think so. Was it Lawrence Welk? No…no…no, or was it — oooh let me take a wild shot in the dark — Satan
? (Band screams and scrambles) Well…isn’t that special…What are you doing now, Band? Acting out some pagan fertility rite? Chasing away the Holy Ghost? Trying to raise the dead? Why, you’ll get yours Band, just wait. Why can’t you be more upstanding and virtuous, like the Holy Cross Band?
“Mission Impossible” (Band forms ‘NO’)
Well you’ve gone and done it now Band, you’ve landed yourself in the Underworld…no, not the basement of Dial Lodge…no, not C-floor; the real
nether-nether land — the home of the Prince of Darkness, H-E-double-toothpicks! What will you do? What will
you do? Well, you could join the National Guard, use your “Get out of Hell Free” card, or roll doubles in one of your next three turns, or you could click your heels together three times and say, “There’s no place like heaven, there’s no place like heaven, there’s no place like Princeton.”
“We Gotta Get Out of This Place”
(Band forms a pitchfork)
Well Band, music sure won’t get you out. Why don’t you try taking the SHAT — the Standardized Heaven Admissions Test?
- Question number one: When confronted with a communion wafer, do you (a) ask for a sip of wine, or (b) demand a little dollop of cheeze whiz?
- Question number two: Does the tenth commandment read: “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, wife, ox or ass?” Or does it read: “changing the grading designation of courses after the pass/fail deadline is strictly prohibited?”
Choose your answers carefully Band; it’s a matter of afterlife, or death. Forming a perfect score on the field, the Band asks for help in high places. “When the Saints Go Marching In”
(Band forms a ’69’)
Well Band, you’re completely unqualified for admission to heaven. But wait, there is a last resort. You could always make a few phone calls to the big guy in Nassau Hall. No one would know what you did except for you, and you’re not telling anyone. Forming the rift between the admissions office and Nassau Hall, the Band salutes glasnost, Princeton style.
“I Heard it Through the Grapevine”
(Band forms rift — it looks suspiciously like two parallel lines)
Here endeth the lesson.
October 1, 1988
Ladies and Gentlemen, this halftime show is either about the impact of the falling dollar on the bond market, or silly new things happening on campus — you
The word “Princeton,” as we all know, comes from the Latin “Princetonienses,” meaning, “to cover with scaffolding.” Lately, Princeton has been living up to its name. Take for example, Edwards Hall, now undergoing its 49th facelift in as many years. As residents of Edwards can attest, jackhammers do not
have snooze buttons, and before 7am, trucks seem to go only one way — backwards. (Band “beeps” and backs up.) Forming that sandblaster outside your window at 5am, the Band plays the theme song of Princeton’s construction.
“Rock Around the Clock”
(Band forms a sandblaster)
Perhaps you’ve noticed that the grass from Blair Courtyard is now sitting happily in Wilson College. Did it migrate there? No; it’s all part of the University’s new residential college grass rotation plan. In an effort to conserve precious grass seed, the University has decided to rotate its four healthy lawns among the five residential college courtyards. If all goes well, Blair Courtyard should have its grass back by the Spring of 1990. In a related program, the very grass on which we are now standing once covered the pit next to the Woodrow Wilson School. Forming a frozen clod of dirt on the field, the Band pays a musical tribute to Blair Courtyard.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
Grass isn’t the only green in short supply at Princeton. Take the University’s newly-discovered one million dollar deficit. Please. No, really. I wonder where that money went. We thought only Ronald Reagan or the USG could lose that much dough. Just how expensive is that FunTak anyways? Does it cost as much as a nifty new kiosk? We tried to reach Dean Lowe for his comments, but he was on an extended leave…in Brazil. The University blames its deficit on cost overruns from the Firestone Library addition. Forming a seemingly endless coffee break on the field, the Band salutes Princeton’s construction workers: never before have so many been paid for so long to do so little, so slowly.
“Baby Elephant Walk”
(Band forms mug of coffee — level of coffee rises and falls)
One thing that the University certainly didn’t waste any time on was creating the new Pass/D/Fail policy. Picture, this Band. You’re sitting in the balcony of Abnormal Psychology, dozing off during the slide show. You thought you were safe. After all, it’s a Pass/Fail.
(Band forms a ‘P’)Oh no, Band! You got a sixty-nine on the final, and you know what that
(‘P’ becomes a ‘D’ as trombones play “Waa, waa, waa, waaaghh”)Forming the newest option on the University’s academic menu, the Band kisses its Rhodes Scholarship goodbye.
And in case you thought we forgot, most experts agree that the falling dollar should have little or no effect on the bond market.
October 8, 1988
The Princeton University Band takes a hardcore look at the Big Apple.
“Princeton Forward”You wake up to gunshots and sirens. You’re mugged on your way out of the bagel store. Bernard Goetz sits next to you on the subway. A vagrant asks you for a quarter. He used to be your broker. Ah, morning in New York.
Only in New York does it cost 150 dollars to take a cab to the U.N., but only a buck fifty for a Rolex from the guy on the corner. Hey Columbia, what do you get when you cross Richard Simmons and Don King? That’s right, Al Sharpton. Forming a can of mace on the field, the Band pays a musical tribute to New York’s subway commuters.
“Another One Bites the Dust”
(Band forms can of mace) Life in New York can be grim. Luckily, there’s so much everyone can do in a big city for entertainment. For example, if you’re Ed Koch, you can visit Bess Myerson every other Sunday from two until four. If you’re Lawrence Taylor, you can get together with Ben Johnson and swap stories. Or, if you’re the Columbia football team, you could watch clips of the 1945 Rose Bowl Game…again. Of course, if you’re looking for cheap entertainment, you could always get a map of New York Harbor and a few pushpins and play that popular new boardgame, “tracking the hospital waste.” Forming a syringe on the field, the Band plays the theme song of New York’s hospital waste disposal units.
“Under the Boardwalk”
(Band forms a syringe)
Well Columbia, since you can’t go to the beach, you can always enjoy some good old New York football, uh well, professional football anyways. Too bad all of the the good New York football teams now play in New Jersey. Oh well, there’s always baseball; the Mets are still going strong. Isn’t it nice to see a team in the heat of championship drive? Oh, sorry Columbia, but you can imagine it anyways. Well, we hope the Mets win, but if they don’t we’ll all be pointing the finger at the Mets pitcher, who should have hired a gardener. Speaking of Mets pitchers, the Band forms:
- David Cone’s earned run average during the playoffs,
- the cost, in dollars, of the items Bess Myerson stole,
- the cost, in dollars, to see a movie in Columbus Circle,
- the cost, in pennies, to see a movie on 42nd Street,
- the cost, in dollars, to get the real thing on 42nd street, or
- the number of Garrets currently playing for Princeton,
the Band salutes Columbia fans everywhere…both of them. “Wipeout”
(Band forms a ’45’)
October 15, 1988
Men who hate women, and the women who love them. Women who hate men and the men who love them. Men who love men and the women who take pictures of them. Next, on the Princeton Band Show.
“Princeton Forward”The Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at The Talk Show Circuit. The Band’s favorite talk show host is Geraldo Rivera. He’s so real, so dedicated, so down to earth. Illustrating its opinion of Geraldo, the Band forms the anatomical part which embodies his personality — his moustache.
(Band forms moustache)Tune in now for Geraldo’s latest gritty, biting journalistic expose…the opening of Ben Johnson’s Medicine Cabinet. The locks are cut, the door swings open…the Band is biting its nails…and what’s this? A small bottle of pills. What are they, Band? Are they Geritol? Flintstones chewables? No, I don’t think so. Oh no Band, don’t eat them! Now you’ve done it! (moustache gets larger) Forming enhanced size and performance due to long hard work and training, the Band hopes that Colonial League testing doesn’t require any samples in a little brown jug.
“Little Brown Jug”Gosh Band, wouldn’t it be nifty if you could be on the David Letterman show? After all, you are the world’s second most dangerous band. You could do some stupid Band tricks. Roll over Band! (Band rolls over.) Play Dead Band! (Band plays dead.) Bark like a seal, Band! (Band barks.) Now Band, march like the Bucknell band! (Band freezes.) Oh no, Band! Not even you can look that silly!
Let’s try something else, Band. Forming a thrillcam on the field, the Band proves once again that it’s not ready for prime time.
(Band forms a thrillcam)
October 22, 1988
Today Palmer stadium, tomorrow the world. The Princeton University Band takes a nitty gritty, down and dirty look at “Princeton in the Nation’s Service.”
Consider Princeton’s many contributions to the arts — fine and otherwise. Princeton has produced many great actors such as James Stewart, Wayne Rogers, Sir Lawrence Olivier, and Brooke Shields. Princeton has had its share of great authors: F. Scott Fitzgerald, Eugene O’Neill, William Shakespeare, and Brooke Shields. Not to mention such musicians as Stanley Jordan, Milton Babbit, Elvis Presley, who has been romantically linked to Brooke Shields, Johan Sebastian Bach, and the Princeton University Band — shown here. But the Band’s favorite form of entertainment is supplied by alumni such as Eric Molson, Adolph Coors, Augie Busch, and Elmo Moosehead, who have elevated yeast to an art form. Saluting those who brew in our nation’s service, the Band forms a sixteen ounce can of Princeton’s favorite liquid asset.
(Band forms a beer can)
Speaking of liquid assets, not even Princeton’s most famous alumnus, God, Class of ‘0, could cover up Princeton’s embarrassing new budget deficit. Isn’t it interesting that Princeton developed a budget deficit only months after Paul Volcker arrived from the Federal Reserve Board? Coincidence? You
decide. There’s only one solution. It’s time to call for monetary aid. There — on the horizon, with a glint of change and a hearty “Hi Ho Silver Standard,” it’s Malcolm Forbes, Princeton’s low-interest loan arranger.
“William Tell Overture”
(Band form $, changes to -$)
One Princetonian has singlehandedly assembled the nation’s most potent defense. No, it’s not Steve Tosches; it’s our favorite Tiger in the Nation’s Service — Secretary of State George Schultz. Do you realize it would only take one word from George to turn Cambridge into a nuclear wasteland? But these burdens of power don’t frighten a man who has a tiger on his tail. We don’t wish to needle George Schultz about his little secret. We realize that it’s rude to make the Secretary of State the butt of our jokes, but we’d like to get to the bottom of this matter. Please don’t misunderstand us, we’re behind George one hundred percent. But we’ve made asses of ourselves before, and we will again, shown here.
(Band forms George Shultz’s butt, Tiger mascot on one cheek
Much to our chagrin, there is no Princetonian in this year’s Presidential race. The oval office seems destined to end up in the hands of one of the little two from the big three. But Princeton’s time will come. Either George Bush or the Duke will eventually leave the White House. The Band forsees the day when the mace of power passes to a true tiger. In just twelve short years Princeton’s most experienced campaigner will come of age: Stan Park ’85. Will America be ready by 2001? The Band thinks so, and to celebrate we now play President Park’s inauguration theme.
(Band forms concert shell with flashers)
DUKE BRING MACE!
Open the Art Museum doors, Hal. Hal, open the Art Museum doors.
October 29, 1988
It’s Halloween, and a young band’s fancy turns to thoughts of…Electroshock therapy.
Electroshock therapy is the deliberate induction of a seizure by passing a current of between 70 and 130 volts through a patient’s brain…We interrupt this halftime show with a special bulletin. This is Orson Welles Jr. reporting from near Grover’s Mill New Jersey. Aliens have landed in Palmer Stadium. Hide the women, the children, and the sheep. Run for your lives. (“Close Encounters” theme) Early reports indicate that these aliens are dressed in red and blue and are surrounded by clouds of hot air. They claim allegience to a certain school that purports to be in the Ivy League. Forming:
- useless, fatuous, and obsequious
- uncalled for occupation
- uniforms of flaming orange
- ugly filadelphian ogres
- the Penn band
the Band reminds you that Penn students are living proof that lesser beings share our universe.
(Band forms ‘UFO’)
These alien invaders from the city of brotherly riots can be distinguished by their Pennsylvania State Safety School sweatshirts. What could they be looking for in Princeton? Discount clothing from Palmer Square? (Band replies “Nah.”) McDonald’s? (Band replies “Nah.”) An exciting night life? (Band replies “Nah.”) A real
Ivy League education? (Band replies “Well…”) Well Penn, you’ve come to the right place. Hey Band, how can we repel these alien hordes? I know — look! Up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s a frog. (Band replies “A frog?”) Not bird nor plane nor even frog, its just little old me…Underdog!
(Band forms a dog bone)
Underdog, that champion of oppressed peoples everywhere has come to our rescue! Our hero sizes up the situation and orders the aliens home again. Oh no, their spaceship was destroyed by the Dinky. Never Fear, Princeton has installed two brand-spanking-new, specially designed, highly secret, Venturi Kiosk II space shuttles. These extremely complex space transportation units are equipped with a pair of powerful booster rockets, priced at 25,000 dollars apiece. With a hearty farewell and good riddance, the Band says “hit the road, Jack — we’ve got a Big Three championship on our minds.”
“Hit the Road, Jack”
(Band forms a spaceship)
(Spaceship blasts off with the aid of two fire extingushers)
November 5, 1988
Your attention please: The part normally played by the Princeton University Band will instead be played by the Lone Band of the Apocalypse. The opinions and performance quality of the halftime show are not necessarily those of the Princeton University Band. Any resemblance to the actual Princeton Band, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And now, The Princeton University Band takes a nitty gritty, down and dirty look at the world of politics.
(To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)
This is the story of a man named Duke
What he dumped in Boston Harbor would really make you yuke
Then one day he started running for the Prez
“Bush is a weenie, vote for me” he says
Competance. Values, that is.
(Batman trumpet cue)
Meanwhile, in Boston Harbor, the Band has located some verrrrry interesting items:
- dead fish
- discarded elevator shoes
- Bill Buckner
- British tea
- expired ACLU cards
- a lot of green slimy crud
Saluting all those crustaceans whose final resting place is Boston Harbor, the Band plays “Rock Lobster.” “Rock Lobster”
(Band forms a lobster)
Dukakis has a few other political exoskeletons in his closet as well. And in an election year, things always come back to haunt you, like:
- an undistinguished military record
- a ten thousand dollar breakfast club
- Buffalo wings from Chuck’s
- white castle burgers
- and of course, convicted murderers.
Speaking of Dukakis controversial furlough program, the Band would like to thank Mike for letting a few of us out in time to do this halftime show. We promise to be back in time for dinner. Forming a revolving prison door, the Band plays the theme song of Willie Horton.
(Band forms a revolving door)
In the interest of equal time, we will now begin to savage George Bush. The Band has a few questions for George: Is it true that you have arranged for day care for Dan Quayle? When you get up in the morning, how long does it take you to wrap yourself in the flag? What’s with this thousand points of light deal anyways? The last time the Band saw a thousand points of light it was sign-ins last spring…and we went to McCosh.
Forming a thousand points of light, the Band asks, “Does Bush plan on giving sunglasses to the homeless?”
“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”
(Band forms a thousand points of light)
The latest polls show Bush well ahead of Dukakis. If this trend continues and George is elected, the Band has the following suggestions for a succesful presidency for Bush:
- don’t die
- don’t die
- please, please don’t die
- we mean it, we really do
- all of the above
- whatever you do, don’t give Dan Quayle the launch codes
Forming a bullet-proof vest on the field, the Band admits that we have never before rooted for a Yalie to survive.
“Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms bullet-proof vest)And in case you were hoping this change was permanent, the real Princeton Band will be back next week. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.
November 12, 1988
The Princeton University Band salutes the board games of life — Ivy League style.
We hope you are enjoying this week’s Ivy contest. Football is a great game, but the Band has always excelled at more childish forms of entertainment. Our latest craze is Pictionary. It’s a game that fulfills all of our exibitionistic tendencies. OK Band, go to it.
(Band forms a square within which a few Band members scramble)OK, don’t tell me, Band, let me guess. It’s uh, uh, a tiger. No, a, uh, bulldog. Uh, uh, a tiger eating a bulldog? No, its, a, uh, uh, a thousand points of light. No wait, I got it, I got it, I know, its the face of God!
(Band forms the face of God)We’ve been on the wrong side of the law so often in Connecticut that for once we would like to take a stab at stopping crime with the boardgame Clue. Murder is never pretty, but then again, neither is New Haven. The victim: A bulldog, strangled by its own tail. Who could have done this dirty deed? Was it Professor Plum in the library with a candlestick? Was it Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with Miss Peacock? No — you’re wrong, it was Benno Schmidt in his office with an eggbeater. Saluting the Yale President’s weapon of choice, the Band plays “Mack the Eggbeater” and tells Yale to get a clue.
“Mack the Knife”
(Band forms a question mark)
Without a doubt, the Band’s favorite game is Twister. We don’t have any more jello, and we’re fully clothed, but we’ll try and play it anyways.
(Four large colored circles are put on the field)
OK — Band on Red (Band runs to red circle)
Band on Yellow (Band runs to yellow circle)
Flutes on Blue (Flutes run to blue circle)
Trombones on Flutes
Clarinets on Drums
DM’s on Drum Major
Trumpets in Tubas
AAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! It’s only funny until someone loses a tuba. (Band yells, “And then it’s really
funny!”) OK — get it together, and let’s twist a little closer, Band.
“Twist and Shout”
(Band is in concert shell as a result of Twister game)
And now, speaking of trivial pursuits, here’s the Yale Band.
November 19, 1988
The Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at Music through the Ages.
(Band wanders on to the field)
In the beginning, there was only musical chaos.
(Band plays random, awful music)Suddenly, something happened…something wonderful. (Drums go into the beginning of the theme from “2001,” Band plays opening strains. A giant black monolith is erected as two Band members in gorilla suits frolic.) But it didn’t last too long.
(Band plays random music again)Music basically stagnated until the Middle Ages, and even then it didn’t do much. The Bubonic Plague put a damper on music from this period. After all, it’s tough to play a trombone when your lips have fallen off. The High Church also discouraged musical innovation. I mean, a Gregorian chant is fine, but you can’t exactly dance to it. In fact, the first victim of the Inquisition was a monk who said, “Dei Sub Numine Viget Wop Bop a lu Bob, A Lop Bam Boom!” Forming blue suede sandals on the field, the Band salutes Brother Richard the Little, that brave monk who led the charge against musical intolerance.
(Band forms a pair of blue suede sandals)
We would now like to do a joke on the great European composers of the 18th century. But unfortunately, Mozart never wrote any Big Note E-Z-Play Songbooks. So it’s on to the 1920’s when jazz hit the musical scene, and stockbrokers hit the pavement. It was in this musical heyday that the Princeton University Band was formed. Moments later, Congress enacted Prohibition. Coincidence? You
decide. Luckily, that same year, Augie Busch matriculated at Princeton and formed a speakeasy in the basement of Murray Dodge, and Princeton students were able to Charleston the 20’s away.
(Band forms a bottle)
America after the Depression was in deperate need of a musical hero. And who should step out of the gloom but that prince of pep, that Sultan of swing, Lawrence Welk. It was Welk who brought the magic of live accordian music to national television. He composed melodies that are still played today in some of the world’s finest elevators. To salute Lawrence Welk, without whom Muzak itself would be impossible, the Band plays his theme song, “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles,” and asks the musical question, “Just who is Bubbles anyways?”
“I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”
(Each section of the Band forms its own bubble, trash section blows bubbles)
Which brings us to the present, and that pinnacle of musical evolution, those ambassadors of high stepping sonic glory, the Princeton University Band. But we didn’t get this high without a little help from our friends. The Band would like to thank Chris VanSelous for keeping us together, Murt, Tom and Bob for cleaning us up, and who could forget Jack “My shoe’s on fire, Yow!” Hontz for putting up with us, plain and simple. And last but not least, our loyal fans who sit through three hours of Ivy League football each week just to catch our halftime show. It’s for you that the Band plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” by John Philip Sousa, just to prove we can do it.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms Princeton shield with fire extinguishers
and a banner declaring “God went to Princeton”)
So there. On behalf of President Opie Cunningham, oops, I mean Mark Hiller, yea that’s
it, Student Conductor Marc “Marble me, baby” Lemberg, and Drum Major Eliza “I’ve got rhythm… NOT” Kunkel, this is your announcer Polly Randall reminding you: Elvis is Alive.