The Band’s announcer for the 1996 football season was Geoff Dube ’97.
September 21, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band welcomes Cornell’s Class of 2000 with A Freshman Handbook
Registering for classes is every freshman’s first job. Always willing to lend a hand, the Band recommends these courses:
- Biology 286: Population Control, with guest lecturer Dr. Jack Kevorkian
- Hotel Management 101: Snaking the Drain
- Hotel Management 207: Advanced Room Service, with Heidi Fleiss (hands-on lab required)
- Gorge Jumping 309 (this course may not be repeated for credit)
and our favorite:
- Animal Husbandry 421: Prenuptial Agreements
Forming a prenuptial agreement, the Band reminds you that only unmarried
students may enter Animal Husbandry.
“Gimme Some Lovin'”
(Band forms a prenuptial agreement)
In a surprise move, the administration has announced a proposal to create more appealing Program Houses. Following up on the success of Just About Music
, they announced the creation of Just About Cows
— an instant hit with Animal Husbandry majors. Generation X’ers will feel right at home in their new house: Just About Me
. And in an effort to break down ethnic divisions, the International Living Center
will become the International House of Pancakes
. Forming an international pancake, the Band plays something international.
(Band forms an international pancake)
Speaking of thing that are flat as a pancake, take Sage Hall. (“Please. No, really!”) We’d like to propose some reasons the University is demolishing–excuse me–renovating this fine old building:
- the construction company building Catherwood Library was having a “Buy One Get One Free” sale
- they just planned to do some touch-up, but put Tim Allen in charge
- it’s just to annoy the Historic Preservation Society
- or perhaps construction is just a cover-up, and the Unabomber is still loose
Historic on the outside, crunchy on the inside, the Band forms Sage Hall.
(Band forms Sage Hall, and a wrecking ball demolishes one side)
Coming up next: the ONLY
band in the Ivy League that needs to remind
you that it’s really IN
the Ivy Leage: the Big Red Marching Band.
September 28, 1996
Today’s weather: high 78, partly cloudy with a chance of afternoon showers. Up next: those purveyors of plaid pandemonium, the Princeton University Band.
Over the summer, it seems as if all the Princeton banks that weren’t
PNC turned into coffee houses. How did this happen? Was Nassau Street the target of a leveraged buyout by Juan Valdez? Do Princeton students really
caffeine? Beware of the new Cybercafe: word has it that Bill Gates is secretly testing his latest product: Microsoft Caffeine
, a combined software/liquid drink mix package that is said to enhance your online personality. Welcoming Princeton’s newest businesses, the Band salutes Starbucks Jumbo Mug,
shown here, actual size.
(Band forms a Jumbo Mug of Coffee, complete with coffeepot and milk)
Speaking of drinking, take Boris Yeltsen. (“Pozhalujsta. Nyet, spasieba!”) He hasn’t been seen in weeks, and we don’t believe the Kremlin’s explanation: that he’s playing a new children’s game called Where’s Boris?
It’s a pretty safe bet that he hasn’t been giving Bob Dole charisma lessons. And frankly, we wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he’s right here in Princeton, passed out on the floor of Tiger Inn. Forming Boris Yeltsen’s liver, the Band reminds you that alcohol may be used as a preservative.
“Little Brown Jug”
(Band forms Boris Yeltsen’s liver)
Look out Band! It’s Boris Yeltsen, and he’s looking for a liver donor!
October 5, 1996
And now, America’s most trusted source of news: the Princeton University Band.
Last week, American astronaut Shannon Lucid returned from a six-month mission in the Russian space station Mir
. What do you do for six months in a small cramped ship with three guys named Vladimir, Boris, and Sergei? Consider these entries from Shannon’s diary:
- Day 1: lost my lunch over Europe….all of Europe
- Day 5: I really hate borscht
- Day 42: I saw a Star Destroyer today. Boris won’t let me near the vodka anymore.
- Day 51: Contemplated my navel
- Day 60: How do they get the cream into the middle of Twinkies?
- Stardate 1836.2: I’m starting to lose my grip on reality
Reminding you that six months with Vladimir, Boris, and Sergei is bound to wear out anyone
, the Band forms the space shuttle and salutes Shannon’s record-breaking endurance.
“Friend Like Me”
(Band forms the space shuttle)
And now, local events.
Next month, voters will finally
have their say on whether to merge Princeton Township and Princeton Borough. The Township and Borough split in 1789 in an attempt to disprove the Four-Color Map Theorem, and have since remained separate.
(Cut: In 1860, a dispute over the right to ticket illegally-parked horse-drawn carriages escalated into The War of the Two Princetons. After years of fighting, the war was finally settled in the historic Battle of Princeton, when Township residents broke through Borough defenses by hiding in the famous Trojan Squirrel, shown here, actual size.)
(Band forms the Trojan Squirrel)
In 1860, a dispute on the right to ticket illegally-parked horse-drawn carriages escalated into the famous Battle of Princeton. This unfortunate event ended five years later with a victory due to the famous Trojan Squirrel. Remembering Princeton’s schizophrenic history, the Band forms the Township…and the Borough.
“The Time Warp” (Band forms the Township and the Borough)
In University news, returning students were surprised to see a huge vertical tube constructed behind Whig Hall. Rumors about its true function spread quickly. Perhaps it was the University’s first intercollegiate ballistic missile, or President Shapiro’s new 50,000 CD-changer. Was it a keg left over from Reunions? Or maybe a lifetime supply of Mentos: the Freshmaker. We
thought it was Princeton’s first vertical STEAM TUNNEL, but were relieved to learn it’s just Whig Hall’s new elevator shaft. (Censored: Forming an elevator shaft, the Band wonders whether Clio Hall suffers from elevator shaft envy.)
Forming an elevator shaft, the Band says “Call Me.”
“Call Me” (Band forms an elevator shaft) (Cut: an elevator (two cardboard “doors”) travels from the ground to the top floor, the doors part, two people exit the elevator and the shaft, then go careening “down” to ground level.)
This past Summer, Trenton State College became the College of New Jersey. But before it assumed Princeton’s old name, Trenton State considered some other new names, including: “Toxic State College,” (censored: “The High School of New Jersey”)
and “The School Formerly Known as Trenton State.” (censored: and “The University of Pennsylvania”–oh wait, they wanted to improve their image.)
In fact, they even tried out the name “Exit 7A University,” but soon abandoned this idea because alumni from the Department of Transportation kept stealing their signs. Not to mention the embarrassing difficulty they had spelling “7A.”
(Censored: Forming a Double-Double Rotating P, the Band joins with Princeton’s 30-year staff to salute the original College of New Jersey.)
Forming a ‘P’, the Band salutes the original College of New Jersey. Joining the Band on the field is Princeton’s 30-year staff. Together with the University, we recognize Princeton’s employees.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
(Band forms a ‘P’)
The preceeding halftime show was brought to you by a grant from the Mobil Corporation.
October 12, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the Class of 2000.
Last month, Princeton welcomed the last class of the millenium. What will Princeton be like when the Class of 2000 graduates? Peering into our crystal ball, we forsee:
- The Class of 2000 watching football games in a brand-new crumbling stadium.
- The University’s new eletric cogeneration plant…making Princeton the world’s seventeenth nuclear power.
Every store on Nassau Street replaced with a coffee shop, and
- The Class of 2000 enjoying a new Campus Center…not!
Saluting the millenium class, the Band forms what’s left in your bank account after four years.
“I Can See For Miles”
(Band forms ’00’)
The Class of 2000 is the first that will never spend a cent doing laundry. Although the University has banished coin-operated machines, doing laundry still presents students with many challenges: for example, static cling, shown here, actual size. (The Band scrambles into a vertical fleshpile.) Fortunately, that’s easily cured with Static-Be-Gone
. (A fire extinguisher sprays the Band; the fleshpile dissolves.) More serious challenges include the lovely New Jersey weather between your dorm room and the laundry room, and separating your orange clothes from your black clothes…that’s especially difficult for Band members. But perhaps the most serious laundry challenge facing Princeton students is the dreaded Sock Black Hole. Wondering why you always end up with just one
sock of each color, the Band forms your missing sock.
(Band forms a sock)
Sometimes a lonely freshman’s only friend is Jane, the voicemail lady. But even Jane has her bad days; when she goes over the edge, she says things like:
- You have five new messages…just kidding!
- You have no new messages. Stop calling me, and get a life!
- I am the Voicemaster. Are you the Gatekeeper?
- Messages?? What do you think I am, your personal secretary?!?
- You have no messages. Each of your roommates has five new messages. I’d hate to be you. (Censored: Sucks to be you, yaes?)
- The Brown band
Forming a telephone receiver, the Band invites you to press our buttons.
“Everybody Needs Somebody”
(Band forms a telephone receiver)
Hey, Princeton parents! With the cost of an education at $30,000 a year, you’re paying just ten cents per minute. So for the remainder of today’s game, please deposit another eight dollars.
October 19, 1996
Stampeding on the field like a herd of angry bison, it’s the Princeton University Band.
It’s campaign time again and the presidential candidates are in rare form. But sometimes the candidates have to face the fact that you can’t always please everybody. Even some Republicans are disappointed with Bob Dole and have plans to replace him. Possible replacements are:
- everybody’s favorite media superstar, Kato Kaelin
- George Bush’s dog, Millie; we heard Millie’s biography sold more copies than Bob Dole’s
- Darth Vader: even his outlook is brighter than Dole’s
However, other Republicans wish simply to give Dole a new running mate. The most popular choice so far is Strom Thurmond. Dole/Thurmond: why waste 200 years of experience?
“We’re an American Band”
(Band forms a concert arc)
As the presidential campaigns cross the country campaigning, the Band had decided to settle for a trip to Pennsylvania. We’ve found that there are a lot of good reasons to visit the Keystone State. If you have a couple of weeks, you could visit all the tourist attractions in Pittsburgh. At night, be sure to drop by one of the famous Amish keg parties. Forming Pennsylvania on the field, the Band recommends its favorite tourist attraction: the ancient bison burial grounds.
“Phantom of the Opera”
(Band forms Pennsylvania)
As the Band was sightseeing, we wondered about God’s real intention in creating bison. Perhaps they were meant as God’s fuzzy slippers, or maybe buffalo stunt doubles for American history movies. Whatever their original function, we do know they work well as paperweights, Q-Tips, coffee filters, spackle, and when poached are mighty tasty. Forming a bison on the field, the Band says, “Mmm, tastes like chicken.”
“Gimme Some Lovin'”
(Band forms a bison)
The Band would like to note that no bison were harmed during this halftime show.
October 26, 1996
March 1996: Sports Illustrated
writes: “If there really is a hoop heaven, the house band would be Princeton’s, troubadors in straw hats who played the theme from Underdog
late in the Tigers’ victory.”
Ladies and gentlemen, “Heaven’s House Band” presents: Princeton University: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
The College of New Jersey is founded. In 1747, Percival Winthrop the Third is rejected
by The College of New Jersey, forcing him to settle for Hahvahd. A tradition is born.
1756: The College of New Jersey moves from Newark to the Town of Princeton. Newark never
1777: Nassau Hall is damaged in the Battle of Princeton. Over two hundred years later, Nassau Hall is damaged again
, in a future president’s all-night keg party. (Censored: “..in President Shapiro’s Inaugural All-Night Kegger.”)
1783: For a few brief shining
months, Nassau Hall is
our nation’s capital. Then the capital moves to Philadelphia. The nation
1802: Nassau Hall’s clapper is stolen for the very
first time. When the clapper is retired nearly two centuries later, a confused
Class of 1996 instead steals: Clapp Hall.
Reminding you that a bell without a clapper is like a tiger without a tail, the Band forms Nassau Hall.
(Band forms Nassau Hall. Drum Major scales Nassau Hall and steals clapper.)
Although Princeton was founded as a religious college, by 1820 the trustees chose to embrace diversity, by voting to admit all
Presbyterians: both Anglos and
Eight years later, New Jersey Transit begins its Horse and Buggy Service to New York. The following year, a student climbs on top of the buggy, catches a nasty
cold, and sues for six million dollars.
At the first Houseparties in 1857, twelve students are suspended for dancing The Minuet: “the forbidden dance of looove.”
In 1865, Princeton holds its first Reunions, and Budweiser stock soars.
And in 1868, The College of New Jersey adopts the colors orange and black. Just months
later, Trenton State College tries to adopt our old
Wondering when Trenton State students will try to steal the clapper, the Band salutes the original
College of New Jersey.
(Band forms ‘250’)
Now sporting its new colors, The College of New Jersey plays Rutgers in the first intercollegiate football game in 1869. Forty-five years later, Palmer Stadium opens…and immediately
begins to crumble.
1872: The University announces that all
campus construction will
be completed in the next two years. No, really.
1877: Witherspoon Hall is the country’s first
college dormitory with indoor plumbing. Over one hundred years later, the country’s oldest
indoor plumbing is still
in Witherspoon Hall.
And in 1896, Woodrow Wilson delivers his famous speech: “Princeton in the Nation’s Service.” That same year, Hahvahd President Charles Eliot delivers his less
-famous speech: “Hahvahd in the Nation’s Fast Food
Service.” (“You want fries with that?”)
(Censored: Saluting Princeton in the Nation’s service, the Band forms a 250th Birthday Cake, and invites Hahvahd to ‘Eat Me’.)
(Censored: Saluting Princeton in the Nation’s service, the Band forms a 250th Birthday Cake, and invites Hahvahd to ‘close your eyes and blow’.”)
Saluting Princeton in the Nation’s service, the Band forms a 250th Birthday Cake, and asks Hahvahd: “Hey! You wanna piece of this?”
“Stars and Stripes Forever”
(Band forms a 250th Birthday Cake. Trash lie down to form five candles. As final strain starts, Drum Major “lights” each candle with mace, triggering a fire extinguisher.)
Turning from “Princeton in the Nation’s Service” to “Princeton in the Service of all Nations”: in 1900, our most famous alumnus graduates; he is God, Class of Zero. (Censored: “His son applies, but gets nailed on his boards. Of course, Penn accepts him.”)
The first squirrels appear at Princeton in 1920. One year later, the first squirrels appear at Commons…in the beef stew.
1935: Poor grades force John F. Kennedy to drop out of Princeton. Five years later, he graduates from Hahvahd with honors.
1969: Co-education comes to Princeton.
1970: Contraceptives come to Princeton.
In 1972, Atari introduces Pong.
Princeton introduces Blow Pong.
1976: The Nude Olympics begin. Film sales and Winter tourism skyrocket.
In 1995, Princeton graduate Gordon Wu is praised for his explosive one hundred million dollar gift, while Hahvahd graduate Ted Kaczynski is arrested for his explosive “gifts.”
And in 1996, in U.S. news, Princeton shoots three-pointers, beating UCLA, while in U.S. News and World Report, Hahvahd’s ranking shoots down to number three.
Looking forward to the 21st century, the Band reveals our birthday wish for Princeton: a roaring celebration across the world.
“Thus Spake Zarathustra”
(Band forms concert shell and flashes) HARD VAST ROAR ROAST HARVARD OLD NASS RULES
Be sure to join us next month at yale, where we’ll present a probing look at the cities of Princeton, Cambridge, and New Haven, entitled: Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory.
(In actual performance, the birthday cake formation and associated punchline were cut due to lack of time; “Stars and Stripes Forever” replaced “Arabian Nights” in the first joke. Timeline entries for 1972 and 1976 were also cut for time.)
November 2, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at entertainment.
Comic books have always been big sellers with kids, but lately media giant Marvel Comics has found an audience in an older crowd. A new superhero was recently introduced to please the more mature readers: Resumé Man. By day, he’s a mild-mannered department store clerk, but by night, he’s a committed, enthusiastic team player who would be a valuable addition to any Wall Street firm. Unfortunately, Marvel dropped Resumé Man after he lost a job to the boss’ son, Nepotism Man. Forming a padded resumé, the Band salutes everyone who’s caught on the outside looking in.
“I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In”
(Band forms a resumé)
But comics aren’t the only industry in which new ideas have a hard time. For instance, take the movies. (“Please. No, really!”) It seems like all we ever see any more are sequels. Whether it’s Rocky XII
or Friday the 13th, Part 69,
every new movie is a rehash of an old one. In fact, the biggest project in Hollywood today is a sequel to the summer smash Independance Day,
tentatively entitled Arbor Day
. Forming a flying saucer, the Band hopes we never see the third installment: Bastille Day
(Band forms a flying saucer)
Instead of a movie, you could stay home and play one of the new generation board games. Our favorite is Sponsored Monopoly,
in which the old spaces and cards take on 90’s identities. Ideas for Chance
and Community Chest
cards included “O.J. Simpson’s Get Out of Jail Free Card” and “Charles Keating’s S & L Bank Error in your Favor.” However, Parker Brothers learned the true meaning of monopoly when all the spaces were bought by the same sponsor. Now we can look forward to Microsoft Water Works, Microsoft Community Chest, Microsoft Reading Railroad…
(Band forms a concert arc)
Look out Band. It’s Bill Gates, and he wants to buy you!
November 9, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, nauseating look at presidential politics.
“Princeton Forward”Now that the elections are over, Bob Dole has to find a new way of spending his time. He might decide to work for his old colleagues again, perhaps as Jack Kemp’s right-hand man. On the other hand, he could renounce all his earthly possessions and become a monk in Tibet, or maybe even a Chippendale dancer. Forming a Chippendale’s bow tie, the Band realizes that a quiet retirement might be best.
(Band forms a bow tie)
President Clinton, on the other hand, has another four years to try to push through his campaign promises, like the federally-mandated Frequent Buyer’s Program
at McDonald’s, and the ever-popular pledge, “Read my lips: no new scandals.” There are even rumors that he’s working out a secret deal with Iraq just to prove he can throw a better war than George Bush. In any case, with four more years and the full backing of the federal government, he’s determined finally to find out the secret identity of Batman.
(Band forms the Batman logo)
Elections have just concluded, but third parties are already searching for candidates for the next elections. The Band has heard of the following alliances:
- the Whig party with Tina Turner
- the Green party with Kermit the Frog
- the Reform party with Prince Charles continuing the tradition of Ross Perot by being all ears to the wishes of the voter
- the Bull Moose party with Elsie the Laughing Cow and Bullwinkle
- the Communist party with Snowball the Pig
- the Penn band, with the Stuffed Tigers’ Rights party
Faced with these candidates, the Band casts its vote for none of the above.
“You Can Call Me Al”
(Band forms a two boxes and crosses one)
The Band leaves you with this post-election thought: run away! It’s Marge Schott and Dennis Rodman in 2000!
November 16, 1996
Long ago, in an Arthurian legend far, far from the original, God, Princeton Class of ’00, charged King Hal of Nassau with a sacred quest.
(Band walks out to “Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem”)
And lo, God said, “What?!? Annual Giving again? For thine 205th I blessed thee by transmorgrifying Lake Carnegie into beer. Now I asketh a task of you: findeth the Holy yale.”
King Hal gathered about him Sir Fred of Yes (does a gallant salute), Sir Rhosis of Liver (does a fencing lunge with a brown paper bag), Sir Carril the Bruin Salyer (does the Pete Carril hand thing), and Lady Brooke of Shields (lady-like pose). Into the Valley of New Haven rode the five, bulldogs to the right of them, Elis to the left of them.
(Band forms a street)
The brave knights happened upon four strangers sporting the colors of Nassau who offered to escort them to the Holy yale. But after leading the Knights of Nassaulot deep into a dark alley, the strangers revealed themselves to be the treacherous Knights Who Say “Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Bow Wow Wow,” Sir Bush of Kennebunkport, Sir Philip the Stoned, Sir A. Bartlett of the Diamond, and Sir Ramix of Wedgewood. (The yale knights take off their jackets and show blue shirts with Y’s on them.) King Hal and his noble band were immediately sucked into the Pain Whipping Gym for interrogation.
(Band forms the Pain Whipping Interrogation Gym)
Their hopes shattered, the knights cried out, “Eli Eli, lama sabachthni. Where’s our wizard when you need him?” (“He’s dead, Jim!”) “No, Wizard with a ‘d’!” Einstein appeared in a flurry of quarks and uttered the mystic incantation “E=mc2” and the chains were transformed into gouda cheese.
Freed of their bondage and bearing grilled cheese sandwiches, the intrepid Knights of Nassaulot sallied forth once more into the wild blue yonder to face the dubiously named King Dan the Handsome. The two great kings faced each other across the windswept plains of New Haven, King Hal wielding his mighty scepter, Mr. Happy, and King Dan with his light saber. Wait a minute, you can’t have a light saber in an Arthurian legend. (King Dan looks at his saber, tosses it aside, and looks up to the press box for help. King Hal slays him.) The vanquished King Dan, with his dying breath, uttered, “You silly Princeton knights! (Pronounced phonetically) There is no Holy yale. God hasn’t been here for years. Can’t you tell?”
(Band forms a coffin)
And the mighty court of Nassaulot rode triumphantly home, determined never again to accept a quest on April 1.
THE DARMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 23, 1996
(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you’ll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
November 23, 1996
(There was no halftime performance, as Athletics delivered a presentation in honor of the last game in Palmer Stadium.)
Band marches on in a ‘P’ formation, playing “Princeton Forward.” The Band is followed by representatives from all football and track & field teams that played in Palmer Stadium, behind their class banners.
Band scrambles into a concert arc around the podium. Drums cadence until the speakers reach the podium area, then roll off into “National Emblem.”
The Band remains in a concert arc throughout the speeches.