Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman ’09
9/27/2008 — LehighBack inside the Orange Bubble, it’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles onto the field] While watching yesterday’s Presidential debates, the Band was inspired to new heights of boredom. Our thoughts digressed to different ways in which the US can pick its presidents
- A race around the world
- A hand-raising competition
- A Vice-Presidential swimsuit competition
- Thumb War
- A game of Magic: the Gathering
- Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots – AAAAHHH, YOU KNOCKED MY BLOCK OFF!!
- A Hannah Montana Lip-Synching contest
- A friendly game of Stratego: Middle East Version
- A Duel- Chainsaws at Midnight
10/18/2008 — BrownDefending their 94-game undefeated streak against Brown, it’s the Princeton University Band!! [Band scrambles onto the field] With the Presidential debates on primetime TV, a lot of attention has been given to important issues that deeply affect the average American. Issues such as Joe the Plumber. However, there are a few things you may not know about Joe the Plumber. For example:
- He’s actually Joe Sixpack’s civilian alter ego
- He’s not actually a licensed plumber… But he’s got his doctorate in laying pipe
- He’s the father of Bristol Palin’s baby
- The only reason Joe the plumber is involved in the campaign is because he believes that Barack Obama is the Koopa King
- He lost a leg battling a particularly large clog in Drew Carey’s toilet
- He’s a real maverick who isn’t afraid to get all mavericky on his problems
10/25/2008 — HahvahdIs this thing on? I can’t read it! There’s no words on there! Whatever, we’ll do it live! It’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles onto the field] With Halloween almost upon us, Princeton students are finally happy that their wardrobe consists almost entirely of Orange and Black. Students aren’t the only ones getting in to the holiday spirit, though. With the annual Faculty Halloween Party coming up, we thought we’d spill the beans on what some of our favorite faculty members are dressing up as.
- Joyce Carol Oates and Toni Morrison are dressing up as ’80s rap duo Salt-N-Pepa
- Paul Krugman is dressing up in his Nobel Prize. Only his Nobel Prize!
- Cornel West is dressing up in a TWO piece suit
- John Nash isn’t going out for Halloween, he’s mathematically proven that Flag day is a superior holiday
- MAT 201 professor Hossein Namazi is dressing up as… (Spooky Voice) A GHOOOOOST!
- Robbie George is dressing up as a sexy nun
- Public Safety will be dressing up as the Nazgul
- Dean Dunne won’t be going out for Halloween. He’ll be waiting in Prospect Garden for the Great Pumpkin
- And Shirley Tilghman will dress up as Xena, Warrior Princess and fight to the death with Harvard President Drew Gilpenfaust
11/07/2008 — PennHello, ma’am? Is your Band running? Then you’d better go catch it! It’s the Princeton University Band! [Band scrambles onto the field] Recently, Proposition 8 was passed in California, causing outrage among the gay community. However, a lot of resolutions were passed in other states that were not as publicized, yet are just as outrageous. For example:
- Alaska passes a bill banning convicted felons from holding public office. Oh wait..
- South Carolina passed a bill banning things that end in “rinceton University Band”
- New York passes a resolution banning escorts that cost more than $2,000. Seriously, these bankers are strapped for cash.
- Florida passes a bill banning people under the age of 65
- Main passes a bill banning people from getting haircuts
- Connecticut passes a bill banning New Haven
- Utah bans monogamy
- Texas passes a bill banning hats smaller than 10 gallons
11/15/2008 — YaleLock up your dumpsters, New Haven! It’s the Princeton University Band!! [Band scrambles onto the field] Alex Barnard, I mean Alexander V. Barnard was born the love child of a pair of yellow-crested cockatiels. The two love-birds couldn’t afford to keep their child, so they abandoned him in a dumpster outside the Citadel barracks. His adoptive parents passed by, and decided to dumpster dive themselves a wonderful freegan baby. They raised him on liberal amounts of birdseed, which instilled in him an unquenchable desire for vegan imitation food. He went through a punk phase during his adolescence, which he is still in. His adolescence, I mean. A few weeks ago, he was arrested and imprisoned for falsifying his identity while attempting to illegally take the LSAT. After 3 days in prison, Alex was able to slice through his cell bars using naught but his extremely sharp Adam’s apple. Once he broke out of prison he grew out a ridiculous-looking Mohawk as a disguise. You see him now, an emaciated shell of his former self. Forming a lambda or Alex’s favorite food: lamb, duh! The band plays “Bulldog”. [Band forms lambda, plays Bulldog] And now: Chicken Breast Rack of lamb Rocky Mountain Oysters Tenderloin Rump roast Sirloin Sweetbreads Bacon Giblets Pork Chops New York Strip Filet Mignon Chopped Liver Gizzard Haggis Frog Legs And the Double-Double Rotating Porterhouse!! [Band forms double-double rotating Porterhouse] Run away, Spikey! Before the plastic pumpkin gets you!
11/22/2008 — DartmouthSo hardcore that we pregame at 12:30, it’s the Princeton University Band!! [Band scrambles onto the field] With the new James Bond movie released last Thursday, the Band has sparked and interest in the classic Ian Fleming novels. However, upon extensive research into the circumstances surrounding the creation of the series, we discovered some rejected titles of previous Bond movies. For example:
- The spy who just wanted to be friends
- From China with SARS
- Learner’s permit to kill
- On her majesty’s turndown service
- Diamonds are forever, unlike this marriage, strumpet!
- For your thighs only
- The world is just right!
- The Incredible Hulk
- The Green Lantern
- Green Arrow
- Robin Hood
- Captain Planet
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Lucky the Leprechaun
- The Sexy Green M&M
- The Green Hornet
- And the double-double Rotating Peter Pan!!