CORNELL September 23, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Auto Safety.
“Princeton Forward” An important safety device in all cars is the safety belt which prevents the passengers, when stopping short, from sliding off the seat. New cars have an annoying little buzzer which reminds occupants to buckle up. But not all people take it seriously. What do you do when you hear the buzzer?
- Fasten your belt like the spineless wimp you are
- Reach for the snooze button
- The Cornell Band
“Buckle Down Winsockie” (Band forms a fastening safety belt) We were going to continue in our usual humorous vein, and perform a witty skit concerning the recall of Ford Pintos. But let’s face it… what’s funny about people being burned to a crisp? Where is the humor in multiple third degree burns……and death? Ford motors — you ought to be ashamed of yourselves! We abandon frivolity and say: “Recall the Pinto!”
“America” (Band forms the letters FORD then transforms to spell FIRE) And Firestone Tires — what’s so funny about rubber failure? Any device which pops under pressure simply cannot be relied on. The Firestone 500 has failed to hold even normal loads, and many accidents have occurred. Frankly Firestone Rubber, we find your lame excuses a hard pill to swallow.
“Wipe Out” (Band forms a Firestone tire) The best way to keep any car running safely is to have it tuned up regularly (the Band tunes up). Now that the Band has finally tuned up, we’re ready to roll.
“National Emblem” (Band forms a block band)
RUTGERS September 30, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at entertainment in New Jersey.
“Princeton Forward” Last year, something previously practiced covertly was legalized in certain parts of New Jersey. Residents have been high on the idea and, after hashing it over for a long time, there has been a big rush to get the first dealers in town. New joints have been lighting up the boardwalk since last spring and even the seediest roach-infested sections of town are rolling again. That’s right, we’re talking about casino gambling. The Band especially notes that now you don’t have to walk through New Brunswick to lose your shirt.
“It Ain’t Necessarily So” (Band forms a roulette wheel on the field) The Band appreciates that disco is truly a serious form of musical expression, and if you believe that, you also believe that New Jersey is the Garden State. We salute this type of New Jersey entertainment by getting it on!
“Get It On” (Band forms two lines and moves with the music. The officers line up in front and do a free style disco to the song. At the end of the song, the whole Band yells “Yeah!!”) And now, for the best entertainment in New Jersey, the Princeton University “big time” precision marching Band.
“March Grandioso” (Band forms the letters ‘NJ’ on the field while playing and bows at the end) We can’t neglect the many other entertainment opportunities available to New Jersey residents such as theaters, museums, shopping malls, operas, dances, concerts, and parks.
“I Love New York” (Band shifts the ‘J’ to a ‘Y’ to form ‘NY’) And now the only class entertainment in New Jersey leaves your playing field playing the song that has been NUMBER ONE for 232 years.
“Cannon Song” (Band re-shifts the ‘Y’ to a ‘J’ to form ‘NJ’)
BROWN – CUT October 7, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at What Ducks Have the People Don’t.
“Princeton Forward” They have wings, feathers, bills, and webbed feet. That’s about it. The Band now takes a long, hard look at Lubrication.
The ducks on the New Jersey coast have been worried because of the recent exploration for new sources of lubrication by the oil companies. When these companies probe for oil, one of three things can happen:
- They find a dry hole
- They find the lubricant they were looking for
- The look in the wrong place and find natural gas
“Classical Gas” (Band forms an oil derrick) We now turn to synthetic lubricants, which prevent excessive knocking, give greater cruising range, don’t break down under intense heat, and allow perfect piston performance. Like all lubricants, these products reduce friction and wear and provide an extended useful lifetime for moving parts. We hope this new breakthrough is not just another ploy to give the consumer the shaft.
“Shaft” (Band forms a piston) We now point out that many people still rely on natural lubrication.
“Grease” The Band finds a use for lubricants on its instruments also. A trombone player couldn’t move his slide if it weren’t for his cold cream. Now that the Band is well lubricated, let’s watch the trombones slide into action.
“Lassus Trombone” (Band forms a trombone)
BROWN October 7, 1978
And now for the entertainment portion of halftime, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Freshman Life at Princeton.
“Princeton Forward” Traditionally ignoring the canons of good taste, the Band first looks at the Dining and Food Services, otherwise known as DFS. A typical Commons meal consists of Seafood Newburg, a savory melange of barnacles and sea water delicately welded to the plate; Mystery meat which wears a black mask, is tender as a silver bullet, and is made out of a white horse, smothered in Isabella McCosh memorial mushroom gravey. For dessert — Jello. Forming a cube of orange Jello, the Band salutes a common by-product of this typical Commons meal.
“Classical Gas” (Band forms a cube of Jello) For inarriving Freshman, Princeton social life may sometimes appear barren. However, after a few embarassing first efforts, most freshman find themselves, and their frustrations are eased somewhat. And while the male-to-female ratio may make the social scene appear impenetrable, the situation is well in hand by Thanksgiving and will remain so for the next four years. Forming a cold shower on the field, the Band salutes the fertile imagination of the Class of ’82.
“He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” (Band forms a cold shower) In all fairness, there are positive aspects of freshman life. We’ll just list a few:
- There are over 19 library facilities on campus
- Princeton has the largest open stack library in the world
- The Reserve Room is usually open until 2:00 AM
- The Brown Band
“My Favorite Things” (Band forms a book) But there’s one thing that makes every freshman’s life more enjoyable: The Princeton University Band.
“Washington Post” (Band forms the letters PUB and marches off at Trio)
COLUMBIA October 14, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Beatlemania Mania Mania.
“Princeton Forward” Beatlemania is a contagious disease marked by fits of screaming, violent attacks, hysteria, acne, fainting at cultural events, puberty, and a willingness to sit through the first half of the Ed Sullivan show. Forming a show on the field, the Band salutes the advent of this disease in America.
“I Want to Hold Your Hand” (Band forms a shoe) One of the Beatles’ more classic albums is the so-called Orange and Black Album. Some of the better known songs include: “Bungle It Bilbo,” “Why Don’t We Do It On The Field,” “Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Yalie,” “Nowhere Band,” and “A Hard Day’s Night.”
“A Hard Day’s Night” (Band forms an album cover) In the late 1960’s, it was rumored that Paul McCartney was dead. We made our own investigation and found startling evidence when we played an album backwards. Listen closely (Band plays random noises): I buried Paul. He’s not dead, he’s just resting. Miss him, miss him. For a good time call…. Princeton 24, Columbia 3. It’s better than being in Philadelphia.
Will the Beatles ever “Come Together” again? Over 50 million dollars has been offered for a one night stand as a foursome, but still the Fab Four have refused to mount the effort. Perhaps they feel they cannot measure up to their fans’ expectations. It seems we must lay aside our hopes for a Beatles reunions and rest content with thoughts of yesterday.
“Yesterday” (Band forms two dollar signs)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Things You Lose at Princeton.
“Princeton Forward” One of the first things all students lose at Princeton is their shirt. Even before they arrive, Princeton has lessened the bulge in their wallets by a cool eight grand. For students who can’t raise enough, the University lends a hand with its generous financial aid program. In return for this money, Princeton expects the students to put out….academically. Bouncing a check on the field, the Band notes that it’s that time of the month again.
“Free” (Band form a check and jumps up and down) Another thing people lose at Princeton is their appetite. This has given rise to the philosophy expounded in Upper Eagle at least twice a week: “If you can’t eat it, throw it.” Tossing everything from asparagus tips to their cookies, these Commoners have put Upper Eagle on the map and butter pats on their portraits. Ducking a bowl of Jello with bacon bits, the Band forms a “flying vege” and salutes the aerodynamic excellence of what DFS has the nerve to call “food.”
“Anything Goes” (Band forms a blob) As midterms approach, many freshman find themselves pulling their first all-nighters. Those who are lucky enough to make it in bed often find themselves tossing and turning, simply looking for a comfortable position and a soft place to lay their head. Once these many active hours have been spent, the student has lost something he or she can never regain: that’s right, sleep! Catching forty winks, the Band plays a suitable lullaby.
“Oh What a Beautiful Morning” (Band forms letters ‘ZZZ’) Among the many other things that students are prone to lose, the Band especially notes the following:
- Touch with reality
- Musical taste
Hoping to make up for this final loss, the Band leaves the field….while playing a hard driving arrangement of “The Thunderer.”
(Band marches to sidelines in a block ‘P’)
HAHVAHD October 28, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at the Banks of the Charles.
“Princeton Forward” In the sixties and early seventies, administrators at Harvard continually shifted the requirements for graduation, in a quest to find out “where it’s at” academically. Last year, Harvard University adopted a core curriculum of courses virtually, but not quite, identical to the major distribution requirements at Princeton. Summarizing the major differences between the Harvard and Princeton curriculum, the Band salutes the strength of a Harvard education.
“I Got Plenty of Nothin” (Band forms the letters ‘BS’) Not long ago, woman made their presence felt for the first time on the Cambridge campus, sticking their thumbs in and claiming their piece of the pie. It is with this in mind that the Band asks the musical question: “Is Harvard-Radcliffe really co-ed?”
“Yes, We Have No Bananas” (Band forms an ‘r’ then changes it to an ‘h’) A recent survey rated Harvard as number one among all schools in social status. To elevate its position and lure the socially prominent, Princeton has proposed the following courses for 1979-80:
- Economics 399: How to Marry a Fortune
- Sociology 416: Advanced Snobbery
- Biology 385: The Evolutionary Superiority of the Wealthy
- Linguistics 101: The Proper Pronunciations of Ah’s (r’s)
- Sociology 320: Crime and Deviant Behavior (better known as “Nuts and Radcliffe Women”)
“Anything Goes” (Band forms a ‘?’ on the field) The Princeton Band conducted its own survey of Harvard in search of another true Ivy League band. We searched far and wide looking for a band with wit, style, class, and humor, but could only find an oversized, over-stretched bass drum. In the Band Scoring Exam (or B.S.E.) prepared by E.T.S., the Harvard band particularly low in the following categories:
- Shows about Women and Politics (that was their show that day)
- Marching Ability
The Princeton Band would like to help out the Harvard Band and show them how to play real music.
“El Capitan” (Band forms the word ‘BAND’ and marches off)
PENN November 4, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Things That Begin With “P.”
“Princeton Forward” Princeton’s proctors provide protection for prudent Princetonians. It is these men’s responsibility to see that the students are protected, and all are experienced in the techniques of personal protection. Saluting the proctors’ selfless outpouring of their resources, the band forms Prospect Garden on the field and notes that 200% polyester leisure with contrast stitching add a touch of class to these proud protectors.
“Hey Look Me Over” (Band forms a flower) One of the most popular P’s on campus is the Pub. It derives its popularity from its many special events including: the well-attended Nerd Night, Orgo Night featuring four-colored beer, USG Night with free reserved beer for 25 USG members, and Boiler Repair Night featuring no heat and no hot water. The Band forms:
- A Pulverized Potty
- the USG
“Hail, Hail the Gang’s All Here” (Band forms a blob) Four score minus seven years ago, Princeton said, “Let there be an Honor Code” and God said, “It is good.” Since that time, students have feared the brand of the scarlet letter letter — P for Plagiarism. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for students to write papers, professors cry out, “Give me footnotes, or I give you F!” While many students regret that they have but one footnote to give for their papers, others are proud to say, “I came, I saw, I copied.” Whether ’tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of a bad paper or to take lines against a sea of criticism, the student must decide, as the band forms a possible consequence.
“Wipeout” (Band forms the letter ‘F’) Our last “P” is one which has occupied your mind, infiltrated your senses, invaded your thoughts, and provoked your humor. Listen now as this “P,” the Princeton University Band, plays the “Liberty Bell March.”
“Liberty Bell March” (Band forms a concert shell and marches off at the trio)
YALE – CUT November 11, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Mastication (or Groceries).
“Princeton Forward” Many foods are known by peculiar name brands and/or catchy slogans. For instance, “Lays — no one can eat just one,” or “I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner.” And don’t forget the “Manhandlers,” while “Jiffy Pop is as much fun to make as it is to eat.” Finally, Peter Pan comes in either smooth or crunchy but either way it sticks to the roof of your mouth. Saluting these many commerical slogans, the Band asks the musical question: “How do you handle a hungry man?”
“Jolly Green Giant Theme” (Band forms two wavy lines) Another fun food is the cocktail — what a man drinks reflects his own personal preferences. Some of the more colorful drinks include Screwdrivers for the man on the go, Harvey Wallbangers for those who like to drink alone, Highballs for travelling executives, and of course, Bloody Maries periodically. Forming a cocktail glass, the Band toasts the freshman up at Yale who don’t get cocktails.
“You’ve Said It All” (Band forms a cocktail glass) Another place people go to eat is the bowl. The Band would like to note that while students are unable to pick up any fruit at the game, they can always satisfy their yen with a bag of nuts or a hot dog between two buns.
“Oh Where, Oh Where” (Band forms a hot dog) The Band searched long and hard for a place to eat out at Yale. Unable to find such a place, the Band has this message for the bulldogs at Yale.
“2001” (Band forms a block band while a row of eight flashers flash two nonsense messages before unscrambling to form the words BEAT YALE)
YALE November 11, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at Things Yalies Should Know.
“Princeton Forward” One thing every Yalie should know is desperation. If the unaware freshman never had a taste of it before coming to Yale, they’ll know first hand what it’s all about after four long, hard years in New Haven. The tools of knowledge aren’t laid out for nothing — these students must pay for it. It is a sacrifice they make. With this in mind, the Band salutes the Yale bulldog; the animal with no tail.
“Freshman Up At Yale” (Band spells ‘FAIL’ then changes to ‘TAIL’) Some other things all bulldogs should know are: how to fetch, how to begm and especially how to roll over and play dead. For the audience participation of our show, the Band thinks the Yalies should know what the lemmings do.
“Anchors Aweigh” (Band forms an anchor on the field) Another things Yalies should know is how to read. While anthropologists differ on the question of whether undergraduates at Yale can master even a radically simplified form of the English language, it would seem that most bulldogs will have to recognize a few things in order to take their place in society: road signs for their driving, lavatory signs for their socializing, the penal code for their protection, and newspapers for their cages. The band wants to help, Yalies, we really do. Here are some easy words — read ’em and weep.
“2001” (Band forms a block band while a row of eight flashers flash two nonsense messages before unscrambling to form the words BEAT YALE) The last thing Yalies should know is enough to have gone to Princeton.
“Going Back” (Band forms a ‘Y’ and changes it to a ‘P’, then marches off the field)
DARTMOUTH November 18, 1978
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long hard look at Stories From the Bible.
“Princeton Forward” Close to the beginning, after they had turned on the lights, God said, “Let there be orange and black,” and it was good. He then said, “Let there be Princeton,” and it was so good He went there. Finally, he said, “Let there be sheep in New Jersey,” and Dartmouth was green with envy. Forming a good idea on the field, the Band salutes God.
“Good Morning Starshine” (Band forms a light bulb) The Band now looks at Noah and his world reknowned ark. Among the animals on the ark were two Brown bears, two Columbia lions, two Princeton tigers, no Yale bulldogs, two Harvard boys, Howard Cosell alone, and two Dartmouth sheep. After forty days and nights, God said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” so the Harvard boys were fruitful and the others multiplied. Multiplying on the field, the Band notes that it takes two to tango and a Dartmouth man to make a sweater.
“Double Your Pleasure” (Band forms 1 + 1) When Moses went to Mount Sinai to have his gallstones removed, he come back with the wrong tablets. Instead of aspirin, he had but ten commandments. God saideth unto Moses, “Take ten of these and call me in the morning.” Unfortunately, Moses didn’t carry Blue Cross so he couldn’t pay for the last four commandments. We’ve been informed by higher authority that the last four commandments were:
- Thou shalt not offer halftime shows to the Alumni Council for censoring
- Thou shalt not have fraternities at Dartmouth
- Thou shalt not raise the legal age in New Jersey to 19
- Thou shalt not offer sheep to Dartmouth men
“Climb Every Mountain” (Band forms the two tablets) There was one commandment that we overlooked: Thou shalt play one good musical peice per halftime.
“Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms a block band) Now before the Band parts the field, we want to simulate Moses parting the orange and black band.
(Band scatters to form PRINCETON. Following a perfect double rippled tip of the hat, the Band leaves the field to “Here Comes That Tiger” to end yet another fine season of music, marching, merriment, and mirth)